disagreement with a friend - very big trigger

[sunset_5]

Hey all!

I was supposed to meet up with a friend today. We were texting last night to talk about when and where and I couldn't give her an exact time yet because I had some things to do beforehand. I asked her if it would be ok if I just let her know when I'm done and if she then could pick me up as I was in her area anyway. Then she said she actually wanted to take the bus and not the car, I acted a little surprised but it was no big deal and I said I can take the bus too or ask my parents to drive me to hers (personally I don't have a driver's license) but then she stopped replying.

This morning she said she got the text but didn't respond because she was a little shocked, because apparently I'd been aggressive in my texts. Then we had a whole long conversation via text where I tried to explain what I really meant but she just kept saying she felt offended by what I'd said. But I still don't see anything wrong except maybe my "exaggerated" surprise at her not wanting to take the car this time - but I never said it was a problem and she just insinuated I was mad at her and didn't want to meet up with her anymore when she doesn't come pick me up. And I never said that. She was also upset because I couldn't give her a time and just expected her to be ready when I am. I get that a little bit, but that was exceptional and usually we always schedule an exact time way in advance. So much for trying a little spontaneity.....

Conflicts like that are really huge triggers for my anxiety and it just makes me want to hide somewhere because now I feel like she will forever be judgmental about that, feel like she won't talk to me anymore, but at the same time, I am usually the one who comes creeping back and apologises to people, even when I'm not wrong.
But I've just felt so extremely anxious again since this happened this morning and I just can't seem to let it go.

Any advice? Am I exaggerating? I don't know what to do... :weep:

[Oosh]

It's ok to iron things out you know. Feelings get hurt, people can get annoyed, it's ok to put some effort in to iron things out afterwards so you can get back to doing what you wanted to do in the first place which was to enjoy your friends company.

Nothing wrong with putting effort in to iron issues out. If you find there's always an issue no matter how hard you try to iron things out and get on then tell her that too in a friendly way. You can't please some people no matter how much effort you put in. That's not you it's them.

Go out of your way to see her, apologise whatever so you can get back to enjoying being mates again.

[sunset_5]

Thanks for the advice Oosh - thing is, I don't really think I did anything wrong there. And I am ALWAYS the one going back to people and apologising. I really want to work on not letting people walk all over me again so yeah.

I think it was all a big misunderstanding, but she was really making a huge drama out of a silly little thing. Maybe she was having a bad day too... it can happen, I know. But if I apologise now, I know I will not get an apology from her. And it will be just the same as usual.

And she has done things to hurt me too where I have kept my mouth shut. Last year I had a knee injury and I was walking with crutches for 3 months. When we wanted to meet up, she didn't even offer to exceptionally come and pick me up - I had to walk a mile to the train station and get on the train with the crutches, and we met there. And after the movie, she got back into her car and drove home and left me to take the train again. I found that pretty inconsiderate.

[Oosh]

Haha I see your point. That does sound pretty inconsiderate. Hard to change people like that. Maybe hang out with more considerate people if thats possible.
It's not easy finding considerate people but it's healthy to have good standards. Talk first though. You might be able to talk things through.

[sunset_5]

Yep. I was always the shy girl who let everyone walk all over her. Recently I have started to respect myself more and stand up for myself. I've already noticed that some people don't like it. Tough luck for them, I don't live to please them...
It's just annoying when I try to explain something to them and they just won't get it, like that one girl. Oh well.

Thanks for replying anyway, Oosh. That's very nice of you :)

[georgewing]

Well she understand that you are a materialist person and you dont like it because dont cone at hou with car and he come with the bus .Trh to explain well the situation

[sunset_5]

Not sure I understand your message georgewing...

Well, yes apparently she does think that I am so materialistic and that I get mad because she can't come pick me up by car.

To be honest, I have no idea how much more I can try to explain the situation when she still thinks that after I already said I wasn't mad, just surprised, and that I already said I can take the bus or ask my parents.

That said: So far I've taken the bus or train to meet up with her every single time, so why would I suddenly be mad that she can't come pick me up? I've not got a driver's license and I've made do with that all of my life. Really like I've said it was just an idea because I was in her area and it would have been quicker and saved us both some time.

That said: If after all these years THAT is what she thinks of me, then she doesn't even know who I am as a person...