I've made matters worse I fear

[tjb113]

So I've been dealing with my health anxiety and fear of ALS or another neurological disease for a few months now. Ever since I did the stupid thing and searched Google and got ALS as a result I've been an absolute wreck. About a month ago I did see a neurologist who actually specializes in ALS and he decided an EMG would help get to the bottom of things. Finally today I had that EMG and in spite of actually managing my anxiety better these past few weeks the results of the EMG have set me right back in to panic mode.

The nerve conduction test went fine and everything was normal there. But the EMG itself did show, as he called them "findings", in my right leg and arm. Now, we know I have an impingement on my right C7 side so I could have maybe handled that finding. The leg finding though was completely unexpected and now I'm totally freaking out (made worse by a chronic dry cough I've had for a week now). He said it was likely caused by a nerve and ordered an MRI on the rest of my back (lumbar and thoracic) and that has been done, though I don't have those results yet. He told me he still doesn't believe it to be ALS but I can't stop fearing he's just trying to assuage my fears and anxiety. I also fear that if the MRI comes back without showing any issues that my panic is going to crank up to 11 since no physiological source makes it more likely it's a disease.

This anxiety is going to kill me before any disease can at this rate, and there is nothing I've been able to do to get it to stop. The fear is just so overwhelming it has destroyed nearly every day since this all began and it was only the past few weeks I've been able to actually enjoy life even a little again. Now this happens and it's like I'm back at square one. I can't keep dealing with this but I can't see any possible way I can control it or stop it either. Everything just feels so hopeless now.

[Minivil]

What's with our constant search for meaning behind things our doctors do/say? I do this. It's like, we simply cannot be ok with a straightforward answer, we attach our fears to their words/actions.

They ordered more tests---they must be afraid to tell me the truth about what they fear. No. They aren't even fearful and they likely aren't that "afraid" to tell you a thing, good or bad. This is their job. They see things like this all day, every day. You aren't that special (as my dad would say, less harsh than it sounds...like "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake" more than anyone else in this life), they are just doing their jobs and would tell you, without fear, if there WAS anything to fear. They aren't speculating. You aren't an experiment for them or some medical anomaly. We really have to stop inferring or attaching meaning to things they say, don't say, do or don't do.

I was waiting for some routine test results and my doc left them in a voice mail. She said, "Part 1 of your test came back clean, nothing to worry about there. Part two came back normal with no traces of xyz, so that's good news! Now just keep your follow up appointment with Dr. X." I picked apart that message like whoa. Why did she insist on me keeping my other appointment? Does she think I really have something and is afraid to say it? Because she didn't say the precise words I wanted to hear, in the tone I expected, I didn't trust it. I had to call and check, and I was pretty embarrassed. lol

Sorry for rambling. I know the anxiety is intense, this is all just to say that most times there is no hidden meaning. It just is a test. We sit in that uncertainty, and it SUCKS, but we don't need to catastrophic it every time. PS---I have massive nerve issues in my leg/sciatica and need to get seen by a neuro for sure. Ick.

[tjb113]

Yeah, I definitely agree, and the rational side of my brain absolutely despises the reactionary side that lets this crap ruin my life. But sadly that reactionary side is just so hard to control, and as long as there is a possibility of something terrible that isn't ruled out it just latches on to that and the fear grows and festers. Whenever it gets better something comes along to give it a little recharge and the process repeats.

I mean, he told me that ALS can not be ruled out, but that he is 99% certain that my spinal problems are the source of my problems. Of course as long as that 1% exists my mind just can't rest at ease. I mean, I know I have cervical spine problems, and they've now confirmed a growth on the thoracic spine as well, but the lumbar didn't show any issues. There in lies the problem that I can't get past, the lumbar innervates the legs, so if that one is fine why did he still show findings in the right leg? Any result I get I find a hole and I just can't get any reassurance so long as I can find these flaws.