Relationship causing more anxiety - boyfriend blames himself

[AthenaFaeyrn]

So yesterday it was our day off and I tried hard to do a lot of things. We took a trip out of town and did some shopping, walked by the seafront and had lunch on the beach, then had a drink at a nearby bar. This stuff isn't easy for me, especially in the summer when there are lots of people around. Anyhow, when we were at the bar, he suggested we then walk to his sisters to pick some of his stuff up, hang out with his family for a bit, then his sis would drive us back home. I stupidly agreed to this while deep down not wanting to do it at all!

So after we came out of the bar I was really quiet and he asked me what was wrong, I told him that I couldn't do those things. Well, he got frustrated with me and said 3 things that hurt me.

1, he said, "But you were fine earlier", which I felt invalidated my feelings. He usually says this when I'm triggered. I hate it. "You were fine earlier". So? I'm not anymore.

2, he said, "But I still need to see my family", which I felt went against all I have said to him about him being fine to see them alone, but I could go home so he could do what he needed. I felt like he was implying that I was in some way taking him away from his family when obviously I did not want to do that.

3, he said, "Can't you do it for me?", which I felt was... what is the word for this? Guilting me? Manipulating me? I don't know.. Either way, PRESSURE. "Do it for me" is NOT cool!!!

I ended up launching at him, "You know sometimes I wish I had CANCER instead of anxiety" and he went quiet for the rest of the trip. I later said that I meant if I had something PHYSICAL, then maybe he would understand all I'm going through, but because it's psychological, I just get treated like I'm being stubborn, or like I'm just ruining things.

I actually felt like taking an OD yesterday in part because of him, and how hard life is feeling for me. As we were walking outside I was looking for something to hurt myself with. I felt just so completely possessed by depression after that.

I am having very serious doubts about this relationship. His responses to my illness, the unsympathetic way he treats me when I'm triggered, and the pressure on me to seem happy is becoming too great for me to bear.

We discussed the problem later on, and a lot came out of me: a sexual assault by a family member that I suffered many years ago that is still unresolved, and how no one cared about it, not even my own family. I spoke to him about my dad's death earlier this year and about how I am bereaved by it, which makes me NOT want to see happy families like his. I am also tapering off one medication whilst going onto a different medication so I feel so scared because of the side-effects. I never know how the meds are going to affect me. I NEED CARE, NOT THIS.

Before I said all of this, he told me how he "does a LOT to make me happy"....

So obviously he sees me sad or triggered, and then thinks about himself and all he does for me... I don't like this. It strikes me as self-absorbed and ignorant. (Likewise, I do a LOT to SEEM happy, because I know he tries to make me happy, but my problems are deeper than a relationship). As though he thinks he can cure me when I have SO many issues that need professional work.

I feel like I need to tell him: I appreciate that you do a lot to make me happy, but it doesn't work. That isn't your fault. When I am able, I DO enjoy our times together, but my anxiety has nothing to do with you, except you know... when you actually trigger it by being very unsympathetic and pressuring in a situation in which I'm very uncomfortable.

I dream of having someone who appreciates how much is going on inside me, and praises me rather than pressures me, for taking the steps I do to recover. Not this. Not this hideous amount of pressure I feel which ONLY SETS ME BACK!

[HalfJack]

I know how you feel I've had the same problem in a lot of relationships, personally I've never been able to make it work with someone like that. Sounds like you can be pretty open with him though, maybe if you did talk to him he'll be able to understand. Good luck either way :)

"I feel like I need to tell him: I appreciate that you do a lot to make me happy, but it doesn't work. That isn't your fault. When I am able, I DO enjoy our times together, but my anxiety has nothing to do with you, except you know... when you actually trigger it by being very unsympathetic and pressuring in a situation in which I'm very uncomfortable." That's really good!

I know so many people like that! It's like they're more concerned with how our mental health effects them, than how we are feeling. Even if they're nice people, it's just so selfish and difficult to be around. They may as well just say "I think it's about time you were better now".

I hate it when I say to someone "Sorry I just need a second, _______ really makes me nervous" and they reply "Why? It's harmless" Well done you've just summed up anxiety! It wouldn't be anxiety if only truly terrifying things scared me. It wouldn't be depression if only tragedies made me sad.

A lot of people get it, some need a helping hand, some never will. Never know till you try I guess.
It's his flaw if he doesn't though, not yours.

[KeeKee]

Both of your comments ring true to me. I too have a very unsympathetic partner. He goes on about how I'm affecting his life, making him miserable, I'm the reason he doesn't help with housework etc as I make him feel crap so he doesn't bother doing anything. I have heard many people say people with mental health issues are selfish. I think they need to take a look at themselves.

Not understanding somebody is perfectly normal, what isn't is trying to tell them they're acting daft, as the OP put it trying to guilt them into doing things or trying to blame them for the way they are.

I was visibly upset in front of my partner last night and he didn't even try to comfort me. I feel like he sees me as a burden and sometimes I wish he'd just leave.

If you could have a heart to heart with your partner it may make a world of difference.

I too dream of having somebody who understands.

[AthenaFaeyrn]

Thank you so much HalfJack and KeeKee.

I had to have a sit down yesterday when we were walking outdoors. The tears were coming and he just did nothing. I dreamed right then and there of someone else sitting next to me, holding me and telling me that I've done well to come this far, reassuring me. I don't understand how someone can be this way, so cold and just frustrated... Maybe it's because I've been with someone who has anxiety and I have always been reassuring and understanding, but maybe then that's because I know how it can be!

[KeeKee]

My partner does the same with me AthenaFaeyrn. I've been completely ignored multiple times when I've become upset and it's soul destroying. It happened last night.