Almost 2 years since I was last here.......

[gypcyg]

Some background info:
I am 47 and have had Social Anxiety since my teens. It has lessened as I have gotten older or perhaps I have just learnt to deal with it better.

I have always had a low opinion of myself - although I've always been popular, I always thought that people would "see through me", so I've always kept people at arms length.

I got married 10 years ago but we split 5 years ago (although we tried again 2 years ago). She refuses to sign the divorce papers - she keeps asking for money and more money (we had no children), I have given her thousands but refuse to give her any more. She was violent and controlling, and is very unpredictable, so I keep away from her - our only contact is through Email.

She contacted me 2 weeks ago (after 18 months of silence) asking for money, then emailed a long list of why I'm a nasty person when I refused. I'm not too uspet about this as I was already resigned to having to wait 5 years for the divorce to happen.


My mum died 5 months ago. We never really got on. When I was 11, her dad died (my Granddad) and she blamed me - she said I had broken his heart (because I had stopped going to see him on my way home from school). I had buried this memory but it came to the fore when talking to a cousin in the pub a few years ago. I put this down as the event that made me hate myself. It was also the reason I could never get on with my mum.

I still haven't cried at my mum's passing - to be honest, it hasn't really made me feel sad (I am unsure if I am just blocking the emotions from surfacing, or if I just don't care - we weren't very close and she constantly criticised everything and everyone).


After I split with my wife, I have had 2 lovers. Both started as "friends with benefits" but I ended the relationships when the women wanted more from me. I don't feel like I want a long-term partner again. In fact my suicidal thoughts have returned. I seek the release of death! I've gotten to the point where I feel I have experienced everything I should've and now there is nothing left to live for. I know there is more happening because my blushing has returned (although it is much less now) and the shaking has begun to appear when I'm in situations where I feel nervous.

My job is usually stress free so why have these things started to recur? I'm not sure if I want answers or if I just wanted to write some of this down - I don't talk to anyone about my feelings - never have (well only to anonymous strangers on the internet).

[KeeKee]

Sounds like your ex wife had issues of her own.
I'm not really good at giving advice but just want you to know I've read your post.

It's perfectly fine not wanting a proper relationship at this stage. My partner and I separated 2 days ago (although our relationship has always been complicated), if we are done for good, i know I'll be single for a very long time.

Could you not seek help from a professional? I'm onto my third therapy now and getting things out really helps. There is help out there and nobody should do it alone.

You may feel you have experienced everything but you never know what the future holds. You could meet that perfect woman, you could win some money and have an amazing holiday. Life has so much to offer. It's just not the same doing it alone is it?

[gypcyg]

Thank you for reading and answering my post.

My ex did have plenty of issues - mine don't come anywhere near to the severity of hers! She is an amazing woman and I was always sad that I couldn't make our marriage work - I really did try and I gave her plenty of chances. Sadly she could never trust me and she never really knew how to have a healthy relationship.

I think that I am over her though - when she emailed I never got the excitement I usually get, And the old feelings of love and hope didn't wash over me. I don't hold any ill-feeling against her - I hope she finds happiness, but it won't be with me - I've had enough of banging my head against that wall! (maybe the realisation that it is truly over, has made me feel this down).


Today I have had Butterflies in my stomach since I woke - I feel really nervous and down. I think I had bad dreams last night but can't remember what they were.


Sorry to hear that you are going through a break-up too. It's never a nice time for anyone.

[HalfJack]

Dips are common. I think I usually get my lowest moments when I'm jut generally world weary or sometime after an upset rather than at the time it happens. I agree with Keekee, there is always more to experience.

I get nightmares too, and it leaves me feeling like that all day, hate it.

I don't like talking about things to people (in person) either. Lots of self help methods you can do alone though, and I'd imagine a lot of people here would offer advice if you got stuck or confused with something.

Hope you feel better soon.

[georgewing]

I am very sory for your situation and from what i read you have low self esteem and this its the principal factor of people failure in life .Well to tell you sincerely i will leave in pain and not kill myself in this world are poeple who suffer more than you and they love life everyday .They are people paralized on the chair with cancr and other bad deseas that makes theyr life a calvar .Yo must decide that you will take control over your life and not let this "quality" womens to spend your money .