elik
23-08-16, 07:21
I think this is the worst I've ever been, like I don't think I've felt content for weeks. I wake up sweating, I drive everywhere crying and I dread most things. I am desperate for help but I'm now too anxious about people and keeping up appearances. I don't want to feel in debt to anyone I don't want to bore people I want them all to ditch me so I can be on my own but I won't because I think about their happiness first. I don't have the money to keep this up and I don't have the mental strength to work. I feel like everything is going to crash around me. I'm severely depressed, but my anxiety in some probably good way won't let me be as that's selfish and I have to keep communicating etc or people will hate me so I'm resentfully asking people how they are etc but hoping they almost won't respond because I can't cope with the pressure of anything other than surviving so I continually beat myself up for struggling which only cements my self hatrid. I'm usually very logical alongside my anxiety which causes a lot of conflict but I've actually lost any sense of logic as I've been so consumed by anxiety for so long with no break. All I want to do is be on my own and for everyone to forget about me but I am like a robot knowing I have to keep being here and making sure that everyone's happy with my efforts and it's making me not want anyone around me because this thinking makes it a chore.