New to anxiety & citalopram

[LeighA08]

Hello everyone,

I've been reading through some of the posts on here for a few weeks now while I struggle with the side affects of citalopram. It's made me feel better knowing I'm not alone and have finally plucked up the courage to write my own story.

At the start of June I started feeling quite low and stupidily had a few cheeky cigarettes a few weekends in a row (I gave up December 2014 using Allen Carr's easy way but sometimes if drunk still nabbled a little). Because I made a sober decision to smoke, it frightened me to the point I had a panic attack. That whole week my heart raced and I had to take 3 days off work.

That should have been my warning to not smoke again but then at a wedding early July, I did and ever since I have been an anxious mess.

I tired to get on with things / pull myself together, went to see a hypnotherapist and also back to one of Allen Carr's easy way seminars. Nothing helped and the constant knots in my tummy every morning increased in intensity, if someone asked if I was ok I would just burst into tears. What seemed to be only a few slip ups had turned into one big anxiety disorder.

I finally admitted defeat and started taking 10mg of citalopram at the end of July. I started to experience the increased anxiety that everyone seems to to the point I haven't been able to go to work since starting the medication and also been prescribed a little diazepam to cope. I do only take it now in emergencies.

I did have two 'good' days where I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but they were quickly snatched away from me and left me feeling even more miserable like I was back to square one. I've been seeing a counsellor and also attempting to relax with meditation and baths but everything is short lived and I'm soon anxious again, the mornings being the absolute worst where I just want to cry in bed all day.

I'm on week 4, don't feel as anxious but actually in a bad mood for the past few days and have lost so much weight (down to 8st now), eating is a chore and in fact everything I do to try stay busy like have visitors or create to do lists all just feels like going through the motions because I'm not enjoying anything, looking forward to anything nor does anything seem to help.

I seem to be fixated by smoking as well. Not that I want one but it's constantly on my mind and i don't even want to go outside in case I see someone smoking and it scares me. I am aware however, that the citalopram could be making my thoughts a lot more obsessive at the moment too.

I am worried however, because I believe this was all started by smoking and just spiralled out of control that actually medication won't work for me because I need to get my thoughts in order about the smoking. I just don't know how to do that at the moment.

I have a feeling my doctor will want to increase me from 10mg to 20mg next week which makes me nervous about the increased anxiety again with an increased dose. I can't go back to pacing up and down my flat like a crazy lady again!

I'm supposed to be going to Cuba as well in 4 weeks time which adds an unwanted time pressure on everything but I refuse to let this take control by having me cancel or reschedule. I just pray I feel OK enough to at least pretend to be the 'happy Leigh' that I usually was before this.

Any advice / thoughts on the smoking aspect, increasing my dose or any tips on how to relax and get on with things would be very much appreciated.

Thank you

Leigh

[Andy1718]

Hi there
Good to see you had the courage to write a post, this forum is very helpful. You must stick with the cit no matter how bad it is. I was on 10mg for two weeks this is the GP's therapeutic dose to see how the side effects are. I was increased until 20mg thereafter. The side effects did not get worse and I gradually improved. I did not feel the effect until week 10 of the 20mg dose. Your appetite will return, I remember the nauseating feeling and not wanting to eat. I would try to relax with meditation the app headspace is good, or try some CBT counselling. This anxiety takes time to heal. I was constantly waiting to feel better but I now realize that you have to stop thinking about feeling better and let it just happen.

[Debs21uk]

Hi Leigh,

Thanks for sharing your story. You are in good company here and we're always here for support if you need it. Once you've been on the starting dose the side effects do get better, I'd say it's the hardest part but it's a slow process getting the desired effect. I had problems with my dosage and it made my intrusive thoughts worse but it was partly to do with the increased anxiety as even the most ridiculous thought felt like it was on repeat constantly so that'll probably why your brain is sticking on the smoking thoughts. It should get better as you get to the right dose for you.

If you do change dose stick with it and take it slow, the past few months have taught me that and if you feel something isn't working discuss it with your doctor. As Andy mentioned, I too use the headspace app and it's a really good starting point at only 10minutes. It's basically mindfulness and is really good for relaxation and helping you to identify thoughts and learn how to observe them without engaging in them. A lot of research has been done on it and is known to really help.

I got stuck in a very bad pattern of getting fixated on myself and how I was feeling which is a really negative pattern. To help I try to do things I enjoy, for me arts and crafts, puzzles, reading (which isn't always easy).

You'll have good days and bad days but you'll find the good will eventually outweigh the bad but don't get disheartened on the bad days as they will become less. I know as I have been on and off citalopram for 12yrs and it has worked very well for me.

Good luck and keep us posted x

[LeighA08]

Thank you both.
I seem to be even more fixated on the smoking more than ever. I can't seem to do anything without thinking about it but I refuse to let myself do it but I need something to take these horrible feelings away.
I have the doctors tomorrow but I'm worried that even increasing the dose won't help if I can't get my head straight about the smoking topic.
Honestly I feel like screaming, being sick and / or punching something because nothing seems to be chilling me out.
Help :weep: