New to anxiety

[LeighA08]

Hello everyone,

I've been reading through some of the posts on here for a few weeks now while I struggle with the side affects of citalopram. It's made me feel better knowing I'm not alone and have finally plucked up the courage to write my own story.

At the start of June I started feeling quite low and stupidily had a few cheeky cigarettes a few weekends in a row (I gave up December 2014 using Allen Carr's easy way but sometimes if drunk still nabbled a little). Because I made a sober decision to smoke, it frightened me to the point I had a panic attack. That whole week my heart raced and I had to take 3 days off work.

That should have been my warning to not smoke again but then at a wedding early July, I did and ever since I have been an anxious mess.

I tired to get on with things / pull myself together, went to see a hypnotherapist and also back to one of Allen Carr's easy way seminars. Nothing helped and the constant knots in my tummy every morning increased in intensity, if someone asked if I was ok I would just burst into tears. What seemed to be only a few slip ups had turned into one big anxiety disorder.

I finally admitted defeat and started taking 10mg of citalopram at the end of July. I started to experience the increased anxiety that everyone seems to to the point I haven't been able to go to work since starting the medication and also been prescribed a little diazepam to cope. I do only take it now in emergencies.

I did have two 'good' days where I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but they were quickly snatched away from me and left me feeling even more miserable like I was back to square one. I've been seeing a counsellor and also attempting to relax with meditation and baths but everything is short lived and I'm soon anxious again, the mornings being the absolute worst where I just want to cry in bed all day.

I'm on week 4, don't feel as anxious but actually in a bad mood for the past few days and have lost so much weight (down to 8st now), eating is a chore and in fact everything I do to try stay busy like have visitors or create to do lists all just feels like going through the motions because I'm not enjoying anything, looking forward to anything nor does anything seem to help.

I seem to be fixated by smoking as well. Not that I want one but it's constantly on my mind and i don't even want to go outside in case I see someone smoking and it scares me. I am aware however, that the citalopram could be making my thoughts a lot more obsessive at the moment too.

I am worried however, because I believe this was all started by smoking and just spiralled out of control that actually medication won't work for me because I need to get my thoughts in order about the smoking. I just don't know how to do that at the moment.

I have a feeling my doctor will want to increase me from 10mg to 20mg next week which makes me nervous about the increased anxiety again with an increased dose. I can't go back to pacing up and down my flat like a crazy lady again!

I'm supposed to be going to Cuba as well in 4 weeks time which adds an unwanted time pressure on everything but I refuse to let this take control by having me cancel or reschedule. I just pray I feel OK enough to at least pretend to be the 'happy Leigh' that I usually was before this.

Any advice / thoughts on the smoking aspect, increasing my dose or any tips on how to relax and get on with things would be very much appreciated.

Thank you

Leigh

[Oosh]

I use things like this when they come along. Associations can often plague you in a negative way but sometimes you can use them to help.

I've had anxious associations to things that I've used to my advantage.
Sugar
Alcohol
Pizza (haha that's actually fairly recent and true)

So I use the anxiety association to keep me from doing those things that wouldn't do me any good anyway.

What a piece of luck that you've developed an anxious association with smoking. You can use it to stay away from smoking now and to link the anxiety cause to the smoking.

"It was the smoking that was the trigger"
"No smoking and I'm anxiety free, happy, confident Leigh again *cue relief*

You don't have to fear being in the presence of it. Just fear it and it's ingredients being in your system.

A helpful new mental approach.
Creating an explanation, a fall guy and eliminating him from your life leaving you strong and confident again.

A negative into a positive.

"It was that and it's gone".

So you've turned a corner, a scary episode now over. Now what about Cuba ! What to enjoy about Cuba ? What does anxiety free, confident Leigh enjoy about Cuba ? Think of those brighter things now and forget the episode, it's over. Don't dwell on it.

Maybe make a mood diary regarding your meds and monitor in a detached way if you think they're improving how you feel, giving you side effects you don't like and if you need them.

How was confident smoke free Leigh getting by ?
What were the ingredients of your good and confident mood ?
What was your lifestyle ?
Do that.

[LeighA08]

Thank you.
I seem to be even more fixated on the smoking more than ever. I can't seem to do anything without thinking about it but I refuse to let myself do it but I need something to take these horrible feelings away.
I have the doctors tomorrow but I'm worried that even increasing the dose won't help if I can't get my head straight about the smoking topic.
Honestly I feel like screaming, being sick and / or punching something because nothing seems to be chilling me out.
Help :weep:

[georgewing]

Well i know its hard but you must control your thoughts and use sugestion to transform your subconstient mind .Start everyday by practicing autosugestion for example every day i am beter day by day or i am perefectly fine etc .Doing this repeted every day you ill change your old beliefs

[shtevp]

Medication is great for temporarily masking the underlying issue. What medication truly does is it suppresses the anxiety and doesn't get to the root cause.

I suggest you check out the youtube channel "Self Meets Reality". There is a lot of great information about the real nature of anxiety and it can help you remove your anxiety naturally without the use of medication.

Of course, it's a process but one that is entirely doable. I empathize with your situation.

All the best