New to the Forum - My Story!

[jonny93]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Jonny, 22 Years Old, from the North! Been lurking on here for months so thought I would join to see if I could benefit. I always find that I feel a bit of an Alien when nobody understand HA so good to be around others similar.

My problems started when I became a teenager. Always had a preoccupation with my health and worried a lot in general. Over the years I became obsessed with self-checking for lumps and changes to my skin. I have a terrible phobia of the doctors - I can't even sit in the waiting room, I have to wait outside and have someone go in with me.

I tend to ruminate and think about symptoms to the point where it drives me insane. My latest thing is that I am convinced I have some form of cancer in the Liver/Pancreas/Stomach area. It all started with bad acid reflux issues and nausea, some PPI's and Gaviscon sorted this. The nausea still happens sometimes, which automatically makes my mind jump straight to some sort of cancer. Recently had a full blood count. All normal, except my ALT liver enzyme was "borderline" at 80 (Max is 40). I had this retested 2 weeks later then it dropped to 56, still high but the doctor said she was happy with that.

Back in May my partner was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer, it's been a struggle but he has now had a resection, is cancer free and is just having chemo as an added insurance policy against it coming back in future. Not ideal for someone with HA to deal with, but I am not the victim.

My partners main symptom was anemia, which led to him having damaged nails. Since then I have become OBSESSED with checking my nails. I'm not entirely sure what I am looking for. But it's obsessive. I also check the whites of my eyes for jaundice, to see if I have a liver/pancreas issues. I also check my stools obsessively for colour changes etc. It's almost like I am seeking to back up my own diagnosis. I also ask friends and family members to check my eyes for jaundice.

I also have a general "I don't look well" thing going on. I look in the mirror and convince myself that I look poorly, tired and unwell. I then seek reassurance from others and even seek out old photos to compare myself against!

I'm sure others know how much of a nightmare this is! I have had CBT before but I didn't find it helped. During my CBT I "came out" as gay. My therapist concluded that my irrational fear of going to hell for being gay was feeding my health anxiety and leading to a fear of death. I agreed that this was plausible and was discharged but it hasn't got any better. I am currently on a waiting list for more CBT but am not hopeful.

I also tried Citalopram for my anxiety. I thought they were effective but also felt like a zombie in a sense. I never felt excitement, happiness, sadness etc. I always felt very levelled out as though nothing could affect me!

I would welcome anyone's thoughts on this! I always feel I am wasting the doctors time and am convinced I annoy him! I want to believe my symptoms are due to anxiety, or that being hypersensitive means I notice things that a "normal" person wouldn't - but it's hard. I see headlines about people that, for example, have 1 verruca and weeks later die of an uncontrollable cancer. I am convinced I will become a statistic or a headline!

Apologies for the long post - it feels so good to get it all out! :)

[smiles]

Oh my goodness lovely, what a shocking amount you have had to deal with!! My HA has returned after six wonderfull years because I have been looking after people that I love.
It is really normal (in a very warped way) for you to react after having such a hard time, please be kind to yourself and try to remember that you are feeling this way because you have been through so very much.
As for not looking in the best of health at the moment, you are probably run down, anxiety is exhausting, I should imagine that what you have been through has effected your eating and sleep habits, this in turn will effect how you look ( even if you are the only person that notices it!).
It's sounds like your partner is on the mend (thank goodness) it's now time for you to mend as well.
Take care and BE PATIENT AND KIND TO YOURSELF
X x x

[jonny93]

Thanks so much for your reply!

It has been a struggle. My biggest phobia is cancer so to be faced with it is difficult but it kinda puts things into perspective. My partner is doing amazingly well - we learnt of his diagnoses just 4 days before my final university exams too! It's certainly been an eventful 2016!

The difficult thing for me is trying to work out whether I am anxious because I am actually poorly in some way, or whether I feel poorly and my symptoms are a result of the initial anxiety! It's an awful cycle. It's great to see so many people in a similar situation though!

I go through periods where I sleep much more than normal! To be expected, but I convince myself "well I'm never normally tired, back in 2009 I read a web page that listed fatigue as a cancer symptom so it must be that". The problem with the Internet is that we can't un-read and forget. So I've always found that stopping usin the Internet doesn't have much effect! I am hugely rational with my partner and am always positive, but when it comes to myself it all goes out of the window, we are strange beings............... :)

[smiles]

Tell me about it!!!! Fatigue is a symptom of life, never mind cancer!!!
I went through a period recently of being shattered, I was sleeping until at least 8 every morning, then by 3oc I was dozing off in the chair, I was starting to get really worried until I realised its because I don't go to sleep until at least 1am so I only get 6 hours at best!!!
Emotionally looking after someone who is ill is so hard, you are so helpless to make every thing ok, and would do any thing to help with the suffering, but you can't, so you end up feeling like you are failing them in some way, this in turn makes you feel anxious, but you don't have time or headspace... But then they begin to get better and BAM!!! Your turn to feel like crap!!!!
I woul think your anxiety is making you feel these symptoms, but do talk to your Dr and tell him what you have been through and how you feel, I'm sure they will be supportive x x x