View Full Version : Past actions & regrets ruining my LIFE.
lscmichelle
24-08-16, 10:44
Hi its me again, sorry to post again with the same worry about having Eye Melanoma but this time I will be more detailed about my actual worries and concerns, I am 19 and just had a massive panic attack (again).
PLEASE read:(
The story begins when I was 13 or so, a normal happy teenager who is on their phones all the time and I used to go on my phone for like an hour before bed which has developed into a routine habit for a few years. I was very innocent, did not have a single clue that this causes huge damage to the eye and also cellular damage, i was very naive back then and Cancer never even crossed my mind.
Until one day when i was like 16/17 i realised there a small brown oval shaped pigment next to my iris (right eye), left eye also sees slightly darker than the right eye and cannot seem to focus on near small words. (cells are mostly damaged i think)
Then I went to the ophthalmologist, he said its a freckle in the eye and its nothing to worry about, its just like a freckle on the skin. I was relieved and Cancer still hasnt strike my mind yet.
UNTIL the start of this summer, i was suddenly triggered by the thought of Eye cancer, ofcourse I googled, terrified to DEATH and went to 2 different ophthalmologists, they dilated my pupils - Thank god they said they found nothing life threatening - however since then I developed extreme HA, and very extreme self-hatred and guilt to the point I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror because I believe I have caused myself a high cancer risk and I can do nothing to change the past which is frustrating.
I am depressed and can't seem to find a way around it, everything I do eventually leads me back to this guilt and past regrets really haunts me 24/7 and I am suffering so bad, keep imagining my eyeballs being removed and die (melanoma spreads quick).
I have suicidal thoughts as well because of this too:scared15: I don't want to die because of my innocent young self repeatedly harming myself (without knowing) - ok I'm about to have another panic attack again, why does it seem so hopeless for me to get over this? It's probably the guilt and UNCERTAINTY.
Im sorry for the rant, I feel like one day I will explode and do something irrational because it sucks to live life like this, I should be enjoying my life as a teenager with a good family. I feel SO guilty and ashamed, scared and helpless. Im sorry, im so sorry to rant about this again but I feel like i need to let it out, hopefully its the last time ...
The rant is perfectly understandable, everyone needs to vent sometimes. Sounds like you could use some therapy, and some time away from the internet. Once you vent to a therapist, they can surprisingly do wondrous things to your well being. I make my way around here, but I'll say it again. Your gonna be okay, just try to get yourself someone to talk to about this stuff so they can help you.
lscmichelle
24-08-16, 11:03
The rant is perfectly understandable, everyone needs to vent sometimes. Sounds like you could use some therapy, and some time away from the internet. Once you vent to a therapist, they can surprisingly do wondrous things to your well being. I make my way around here, but I'll say it again. Your gonna be okay, just try to get yourself someone to talk to about this stuff so they can help you.
Thank you so so much for your reply again Leafers. Sorry I just feel so alone and feel like people on this platform are the only ones that understand me so this is my only place to express my fear. Really unsure how can i get pass this fear, whats going on my mind is that I have to save money for my future cancer treatments instead so I cant spend on therapy :// I hate myself so much, wish I could be somebody else!! :weep: Sh*t, just saw that this cancer can easily spread, now i cant even type anymore
---------- Post added at 11:03 ---------- Previous post was at 10:56 ----------
I came across this quote just now:
"But then it occurred to me that none of us know what the future holds. People die in accidents every day that no one could have ever predicted. None of us has any guarantees and that is why we have to make the best out of each and every day we are lucky enough to be alive."
Its from an eye cancer survivor, puts me into a bit of perspective.
I'm doing my best for ya, try to calm down. I know it's hard to believe but you gotta tell yourself, that kinda stuff can't cause eye cancer and skin cancer at your age shouldn't be worried about. Take deep breaths, try a bit of yoga if you have to, just try to relax yourself. You definitely need to take action about your anxiety, tackle that while taking a break from googling stuff. I regret a lot of my past health mistakes, but I thought about it in a different angle. If I didn't have those experiences, or stop them. I would have been blind to what happens in the future. My aunt died of something last year, not cancer not nothing. She committed suicide because of hypochondria, I don't really think anyone should go through what your going. Suicide is by all means no exit out, it's just bringing you into what you feared at the start, death. Fear is a logical response to even illogical things that were proven wrong, because a part of our brain just doesn't know any better. Try to get some spare cash, and please put it to use against anxiety, not anything cancer related, try to get medicated for it, try to get therapy, do something about it. It's not healthy to be this way, and if you do need someone to listen I don't mind if you private message me, I've tried my best on all your posts and I don't really plan on giving up on you yet. Best of luck to you, please feel better.
Ok. I haven't read all your posts but I read that you have had your eyes tested and nothing has been found. You cannot get eye cancer from looking at mobile phones, if that was so we would all be getting it.
What yiu do have are irrational thoughts and anxiety, both of which can be managed. I've been in the same situation as you, feeling terrified and thinking life isn't worth living.
I'm not going to give you any reassurance except for the above, but I d recommend the following;
STOP googling
no asking for reassurance (it only gives short term relief)
Make an immediate appointment with your doctor, not to discuss illness, but to ask for help with your health anxiety.
I know there is a waiting list for counselling on NHS, so you can also look at the getselfhekp.co.uk, I recommended before.
Don't know your financial situation or your parents, but maybe some private counselling which you can usually get very quickly, just make sure CPCAB registered.
Take control of your situation, if you have to google then only google how to get over health anxiety.
You can get over this. :yesyes:
At 19, you certainly haven't gotten to the point of having that many past actions and regrets! Add about 30-40 years and then maybe we can talk about that... not literally as I won't be here to do so ~lol~
Frankly lscmichelle, there is no basis for this fear nor a reason to regret anything. Looking at a computer or cell phone does not cause cancer. Show me scientific medical proof or one actual medically documented case! Besides, you've been cleared by two medical professionals.
I'll repeat my advice in seeking professional help. This forum is great on that you'll find (and have found) people that can relate. The thing is, real life professional help is needed to help overcome the real illness that is causing you to feel this way and holding you back.
It's very obvious you're in a severe spiral as your posting indicates but as many are saying, step back, take a breath and collect yourself. The reality is nothing as your mind is making it to be. Heck, I'd trade places health wise in a second!
Please seriously consider what I've advised in speaking to your parents or a trusted adult or your GP about help with your anxiety.
Many people have regrets but I can tell you the worst regrets are the things we miss or the chances we don't take due to fear. I have real health issues that can bury me six feet under. Anxiety does that to you above ground.
Positive thoughts
You are right Fishmanpa, there's loads I wish I hadn't done in my 54 years, but its too late for regret, we can't live a perfect life, how boring that would be?
The problem you have Michelle is panic and anxiety which is driving your anxious thought, once you are able to get that sorted yiu will be able to think more rationally.
Please get help for your anxiety. :)
Why do you keep reading about cancer if it's causing you so much mental anguish?
I'll repeat what you've been told repeatedly, you DO NOT have eye cancer. You CANNOT get eye cancer from looking at your phone, the very notion of that is completely and utterly absurd.
You keep telling us that you hate yourself for past mistakes, but there patently has not been any mistakes made by yourself. You used to read your phone at night. Big whoop. I do it to this day and I'm in my late 20's, have done it for many years and you know what? I'll STILL do it, because there is absolutely no risk whatsoever apart from the bog standard eye conditions.
You'll never get over this fear unless you start drumming that into yourself. You WILL NOT get cancer because of this. You did not make any mistakes in that regard. Until you accept those facts you will get absolutely nowhere.
Hi Iscmichelle You already have been given some sound advice but will add Mind the mental health charity will set up counselling for you free of charge there may be a short waiting list but it's worth the wait and you will see the same counsellor every week for about 8 weeks, Also Mind may also offer other therapys too for free or at a higly discounted rate good luck and hope you are feeling better soon :)
Hi Iscmichelle You already have been given some sound advice but will add Mind the mental health charity will set up counselling for you free of charge there may be a short waiting list but it's worth the wait and you will see the same counsellor every week for about 8 weeks, Also Mind may also offer other therapys too for free or at a higly discounted rate good luck and hope you are feeling better soon :)
Yes forgot about MIND, great suggestion. I think they do make a small charge. Only about £5 as a donation I think, but a great place to get help. They are online and local branches can be contacted by email or phone. Contact details should be readily available on website.
lscmichelle
24-08-16, 12:16
Guys, all of you who replied, I started crying alone in the reataurant because I am so thankful for all of your replies and genuine help and care, I hope you all don't think I am doing this for attention because i really am not. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to help when i have nobody else to talk to apart from you guys.
I will try my best to stop me from overthinking about the future, though its very hard because i have extreme anxiety and i think the worst scenarios as always.
I will try to stop beating myself up for what i've done in the past, its hard but my mental health is more imporant for now i guess because my whole body is heavily affected by the negative thoughts like a spiral and black hole that i cant seem to escape.
Also, reassurance really doesnt help for long when Having cancer seems so realistic. (at least thats what my mine tells me every single second) I hope.. Really hope i can recover and live a better life. :(
Michelle
---------- Post added at 12:16 ---------- Previous post was at 12:08 ----------
Why do you keep reading about cancer if it's causing you so much mental anguish?
I'll repeat what you've been told repeatedly, you DO NOT have eye cancer. You CANNOT get eye cancer from looking at your phone, the very notion of that is completely and utterly absurd.
You keep telling us that you hate yourself for past mistakes, but there patently has not been any mistakes made by yourself. You used to read your phone at night. Big whoop. I do it to this day and I'm in my late 20's, have done it for many years and you know what? I'll STILL do it, because there is absolutely no risk whatsoever apart from the bog standard eye conditions.
Do you do it too? I thought i am the only one :( Yes I used to use my phone in the dark on bed, im afraid it could be as harmful as UV because I am using my phone in the pitch dark, that could be equivalent to staring at the sun... GOSH
Okay i really have to take a deep breath, stop worrying NOW and if it REALLY did happen in the future thats when i should start worrying right???
Easier said than done though. sigh.
The sun emits ultraviolet radiation in vast quantities. UV radiation exposure at these limits over long periods of time can affect cells in the human body.
Mobile phones emit Radio Frequency radiation in quantities that cannot affect the human body.
Comparing the radiation from the sun to the radiation from your phone is a bit like comparing being bitten by a great white shark to being bitten by a hamster.
No, your phone is not anywhere near as harmful as the sun, stop saying it is because it really really isn't.
lscmichelle
24-08-16, 14:19
The sun emits ultraviolet radiation in vast quantities. UV radiation exposure at these limits over long periods of time can affect cells in the human body.
Mobile phones emit Radio Frequency radiation in quantities that cannot affect the human body.
Comparing the radiation from the sun to the radiation from your phone is a bit like comparing being bitten by a great white shark to being bitten by a hamster.
No, your phone is not anywhere near as harmful as the sun, stop saying it is because it really really isn't.
I apologize again if i sound very stupid, i hope this will get to my head finally, thank you again... My worries stem from the fact that i have been doing it for years so it wouldve done as much harm as staring at UV rays. Sounds stupid i know, i feel like wasting everyone's time but i can't help it. I will try tho.
I apologize again if i sound very stupid, i hope this will get to my head finally, thank you again... My worries stem from the fact that i have been doing it for years so it wouldve done as much harm as staring at UV rays. Sounds stupid i know, i feel like wasting everyone's time but i can't help it. I will try tho.
It's only stupid to someone who knows. There's nothing wrong with making a mistake, you know. As long as you learn from it, it's all good.
You need to give yourself a break and quit being so hard on yourself.
You aren't stupid. You have anxiety and panic which us making you latch on to irrational thoughts. If you can take steps to reduce your anxiety you'll find the thoughts still come but they don't take on so much importance.
Try not to argue with your thoughts let them cone and say "so what " to them. Say to yourself you can still do things with or without anxiety.
Look up belly breathing by David Carbonell.
None of this us a cure, but all these things help me to reduce my anxiety on a daily basis.
It's not the thoughts that are the problem, it's the importance we give them.
Vanilla Sky
24-08-16, 15:35
I have had an eye freckle for years. Please stop worrying it is nothing harmful
lscmichelle
24-08-16, 16:11
I have had an eye freckle for years. Please stop worrying it is nothing harmful
How long have you had it for? Im just worried that mine appeared because the pigmentation cells are damaged, the ophthalmologist isnt worried though, i hope i can stop worrying and always reacting negatively to things.
---------- Post added at 16:11 ---------- Previous post was at 16:08 ----------
You aren't stupid. You have anxiety and panic which us making you latch on to irrational thoughts. If you can take steps to reduce your anxiety you'll find the thoughts still come but they don't take on so much importance.
Try not to argue with your thoughts let them cone and say "so what " to them. Say to yourself you can still do things with or without anxiety.
Look up belly breathing by David Carbonell.
Thank you, its very hard because for months and months i have convinced myself that all my thougts are very real and will definitely happen but the uncertainty and fear is killing me. I really need to get help, can't ruin my entire life living like this..
lscmichelle
25-08-16, 04:37
Feeling a bit better today, trying every second to convince myself that nothing too bad is going to happen and I shouldnt be focusing so much on the future and try to enjoy life right NOW. Its very hard, when im so convinced that I will get a deadly disease so soon.. gosh im trying, really.
I've been here and the mark I was concerned about is still there. Loel most of us I was sure I was right but the eye doctor didn't seem bothered at all!
Hi You aren't stupid far from it you reconise you have a problem and that's half the battle won :) As for Mind when I went some years back there was no charge but even so if you are on benifits they should understand :) You need to seek help and there's nothing wrong wtih asking for help :)
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