deutschistliebe
25-08-16, 01:44
Hi, my name is Megan and I'm a 21 year old college student in my senior year. I recently studied abroad in Germany last semester and while I was there I had my OK Cupid account up and running.
One day out of the blue a guy messaged me on OK Cupid from Ukraine. We both admitted that it was a little crazy that he had found me on OK Cupid since we were pretty far away, and technically my settings weren't set up to search for people at that distance, but his were open to anywhere.
Up until now, I had never dated anyone. I had kissed some people during a truth or dare thing around 10 years back but I had never found a person I felt worth committing to a relationship with. I had had crushes on guys before, some people had liked me, but nothing was ever reciprocated. The only crushes I ever had were actually merely based in infatuation. Regardless of whether I told the person of my feelings or not, I never even got close enough with these people to even call them my friends.
With Nazar it was different. We somehow found each other online and ended up talking for 2 months straight before he came and visited me in Germany. During the first month or so of us talking, there was no talk of commitment or anything serious really, so I think that's why I didn't start questioning things during that time. We both knew it would be risky to keep talking if we developed feelings because our situation is so difficult but we did it anyway.
From the beginning we would have very serious discussions about the long-term, since both of us weren't into casual dating and were looking for someone to spend a life with. We made it clear from the beginning what we were looking for and it turned out that we actually fulfilled each other's wishes very well. But somewhere along the way I started to question my feelings for him.
We hadn't even met in person at this point, but anytime we would talk about the future I would start to panic and think "what if I we get a divorce and it doesn't work out?", "what if I can't hold true to the things I told him now?". I started to panic and evaluate everything I might have felt for him romantically or sexually and one night I just couldn't handle the misery anymore and sent him some videos on Skype saying it didn't feel right anymore and that I was deeply hurt by this and hope that his family understand that he really DOES mean so much to me and it's extremely painful to do this.
The next day he responded and quite logically tried to understand what I was saying we agreed to try to make it work.
Time went by and he eventually came to see me during my last week in Germany before returning the the US. We spent only 6 days together but we held each other for hours and did basically everything but intercourse and we had so much fun exploring the city together. When it came time for him to leave it was obviously heartbreaking but a little voice in my head kept telling me that it was probably better that way, because then I wouldn't have these doubts anymore. The voice told me that I never liked him anyways and this would be the chance for me to just put all of this behind me.
The day before I left he told me he loved me because he said he didn't want to have to say it over a screen and didn't want me to feel pressured to say it since it wasn't really the proper time in our relationship for that, and that I didn't have to say it.
Nevertheless, on our way back to the airport in the morning I told him I loved him too. I didn't know if I was ever going to see him again and I wanted him to know that he really did mean a lot to me, whatever that was.
It's been a month since I got back to the US and we were continuing things online for a week or so before the thoughts started to engulf my ever waking moment again. We were telling each other we loved each other, saying all kinds of cutsy things and being really affectionate (as affectionate as one can be over a phone).
However, from the beginning of our "relationship" (since we were just talking online) I've pretty much rated, doubted and analysed every single aspect of him and every aspect of my feelings.
I had this imaginary man in my mind for years and the only thing that is keeping him from being practically perfect in my mind, is the fact that he ISN'T this imaginary "dream" man I had come up with years ago. Not that he doesn't have all the qualities I'm looking for in a person, but that he literally isn't the exact person I always thought of in my fantasies.
I never had these thoughts with other people I liked because I never had anything serious, or that I really cared about at all with them.
I have had a history of obsessive thoughts that have led to anxiety and depression since I was 15 and there is also a history of it in my family. When I was 15 I questioned and panicked over my love of music and whether or not I wanted to pursue it as a career. I ended up deciding against it because I lost all the love I once had for it.
I panicked about having deadly health issues my sophomore year of college and had over 10 exams and 3 hospital visits over "anxiety". Nothing was every seriously wrong but I was so worried that I was just going to die randomly.
Even when I say "I love you" to my mom, it feels wrong. I know I love my parents and family, and I always will, but I always get a bad feeling in my gut when I say it because I feel like I'm lying.
I constantly compare everyone else's relationships to ours. Even today my coworkers were talking about how "you just know" with their significant others and were talking about how happy they were about marriage and all I could do was panic.
I'm currently unable to even do my schoolwork because I feel so sick inside. I'm overwhelmed with the guilt that I don't even like Nazar as a person and that he annoys me and that he means nothing to me. I have even told him that I didn't feel right anymore and that I felt numb towards him, etc and he still wants to try to stay together if I can get over this in the future.
There are literally no major relationship issues. We talk maturely about everything, we don't yell at each other, we have very similar values and enjoy similar things in life.
These thoughts are ruining my life and I haven't even had the proper time to spend time with him in person and let love develop on its own. I feel like most people on these forums can remember a time when they were so happy with their partner and can very easily contrast this to how they feel now, but Nazar and I only had SIX DAYS in person together. As amazing as they were, that is nowhere enough time to really feel anything THAT grand for anyone.
With that being said, I had the feeling from the first time I talked to him that he may end up being my husband. I don't want to lose such a wonderful person from my life. It's not all the time that you meet someone who has so many qualities that you have wanted all your life.
I don't know what to do. I hate having to put him through all these doubts but right now I can't even feel anything positive. My whole life here seems depressing and worthless.
---------- Post added at 19:44 ---------- Previous post was at 19:37 ----------
I should add that he has been nothing but supportive and while he visited me he never did one thing I wasn't comfortable with.
Also, he grew up using English in school from a young age, so his English is practically "native-like", in case anyone was wondering about that.
One day out of the blue a guy messaged me on OK Cupid from Ukraine. We both admitted that it was a little crazy that he had found me on OK Cupid since we were pretty far away, and technically my settings weren't set up to search for people at that distance, but his were open to anywhere.
Up until now, I had never dated anyone. I had kissed some people during a truth or dare thing around 10 years back but I had never found a person I felt worth committing to a relationship with. I had had crushes on guys before, some people had liked me, but nothing was ever reciprocated. The only crushes I ever had were actually merely based in infatuation. Regardless of whether I told the person of my feelings or not, I never even got close enough with these people to even call them my friends.
With Nazar it was different. We somehow found each other online and ended up talking for 2 months straight before he came and visited me in Germany. During the first month or so of us talking, there was no talk of commitment or anything serious really, so I think that's why I didn't start questioning things during that time. We both knew it would be risky to keep talking if we developed feelings because our situation is so difficult but we did it anyway.
From the beginning we would have very serious discussions about the long-term, since both of us weren't into casual dating and were looking for someone to spend a life with. We made it clear from the beginning what we were looking for and it turned out that we actually fulfilled each other's wishes very well. But somewhere along the way I started to question my feelings for him.
We hadn't even met in person at this point, but anytime we would talk about the future I would start to panic and think "what if I we get a divorce and it doesn't work out?", "what if I can't hold true to the things I told him now?". I started to panic and evaluate everything I might have felt for him romantically or sexually and one night I just couldn't handle the misery anymore and sent him some videos on Skype saying it didn't feel right anymore and that I was deeply hurt by this and hope that his family understand that he really DOES mean so much to me and it's extremely painful to do this.
The next day he responded and quite logically tried to understand what I was saying we agreed to try to make it work.
Time went by and he eventually came to see me during my last week in Germany before returning the the US. We spent only 6 days together but we held each other for hours and did basically everything but intercourse and we had so much fun exploring the city together. When it came time for him to leave it was obviously heartbreaking but a little voice in my head kept telling me that it was probably better that way, because then I wouldn't have these doubts anymore. The voice told me that I never liked him anyways and this would be the chance for me to just put all of this behind me.
The day before I left he told me he loved me because he said he didn't want to have to say it over a screen and didn't want me to feel pressured to say it since it wasn't really the proper time in our relationship for that, and that I didn't have to say it.
Nevertheless, on our way back to the airport in the morning I told him I loved him too. I didn't know if I was ever going to see him again and I wanted him to know that he really did mean a lot to me, whatever that was.
It's been a month since I got back to the US and we were continuing things online for a week or so before the thoughts started to engulf my ever waking moment again. We were telling each other we loved each other, saying all kinds of cutsy things and being really affectionate (as affectionate as one can be over a phone).
However, from the beginning of our "relationship" (since we were just talking online) I've pretty much rated, doubted and analysed every single aspect of him and every aspect of my feelings.
I had this imaginary man in my mind for years and the only thing that is keeping him from being practically perfect in my mind, is the fact that he ISN'T this imaginary "dream" man I had come up with years ago. Not that he doesn't have all the qualities I'm looking for in a person, but that he literally isn't the exact person I always thought of in my fantasies.
I never had these thoughts with other people I liked because I never had anything serious, or that I really cared about at all with them.
I have had a history of obsessive thoughts that have led to anxiety and depression since I was 15 and there is also a history of it in my family. When I was 15 I questioned and panicked over my love of music and whether or not I wanted to pursue it as a career. I ended up deciding against it because I lost all the love I once had for it.
I panicked about having deadly health issues my sophomore year of college and had over 10 exams and 3 hospital visits over "anxiety". Nothing was every seriously wrong but I was so worried that I was just going to die randomly.
Even when I say "I love you" to my mom, it feels wrong. I know I love my parents and family, and I always will, but I always get a bad feeling in my gut when I say it because I feel like I'm lying.
I constantly compare everyone else's relationships to ours. Even today my coworkers were talking about how "you just know" with their significant others and were talking about how happy they were about marriage and all I could do was panic.
I'm currently unable to even do my schoolwork because I feel so sick inside. I'm overwhelmed with the guilt that I don't even like Nazar as a person and that he annoys me and that he means nothing to me. I have even told him that I didn't feel right anymore and that I felt numb towards him, etc and he still wants to try to stay together if I can get over this in the future.
There are literally no major relationship issues. We talk maturely about everything, we don't yell at each other, we have very similar values and enjoy similar things in life.
These thoughts are ruining my life and I haven't even had the proper time to spend time with him in person and let love develop on its own. I feel like most people on these forums can remember a time when they were so happy with their partner and can very easily contrast this to how they feel now, but Nazar and I only had SIX DAYS in person together. As amazing as they were, that is nowhere enough time to really feel anything THAT grand for anyone.
With that being said, I had the feeling from the first time I talked to him that he may end up being my husband. I don't want to lose such a wonderful person from my life. It's not all the time that you meet someone who has so many qualities that you have wanted all your life.
I don't know what to do. I hate having to put him through all these doubts but right now I can't even feel anything positive. My whole life here seems depressing and worthless.
---------- Post added at 19:44 ---------- Previous post was at 19:37 ----------
I should add that he has been nothing but supportive and while he visited me he never did one thing I wasn't comfortable with.
Also, he grew up using English in school from a young age, so his English is practically "native-like", in case anyone was wondering about that.