daenerys84
25-08-16, 18:11
Hi Everyone,
I joined this forum to see if having and giving support to people in a similar situation to me may help, even just a little. Here's my story (sorry if it's a long one) -
I am now 32 years old. I grew up in a house with my mother, father and brother. My mum suffered from mental health issues for as long as I can remember. She was sometimes abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally) and in later years, an alcoholic.
I grew up pretty quickly when my mum and dad separated when I was 13/14 and stayed to look after my mum. My younger brother went to live with my dad but by then, my mum was so unwell that I felt I had to stay with her to stop her doing anything silly. Since then, she's been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and hospitalised a couple of times. I managed to do pretty well in school but was always a bit of a loner and bullied at school for many years.
Cut to age 16 when I met my son's father (aka sperm donor). He was a wrong 'un but I fell for him hook line and sinker. I got involved with the wrong crowd and started drinking and taking drugs. We met in the February/March, just after I had turned 16. By the May, I was pregnant. My mum threw me out when she found out I was pregnant and I moved in with my son's father. I then experienced a life that I didn't even know existed. Turns out that I had led a rather sheltered life up until then. Life with him was awful. He was mentally and emotionally manipulative and broke me down to a shell of the bubbly person that I used to be. He also cheated on me with my 'best friend' at the time.
My son was born a month before I turned 17. Life didn't get any better and we were both on the dole, living in a rough area. I started to suffer depression (this was when I was first prescribed anti-depressants).
On new years day, when my son would be turning 1 ten days later, he threw us both out. Turns out that he'd been seeing someone else behind my back and was 'leaving me' for her. What I didn't know then was that that was the beginning of my new life (no, actually, an ACTUAL life). We moved in with my father and I was, I'm ashamed to say, selfish. I could barely look after my son I was such a mess. My world had ended as far as I was concerned.
I managed to get a flat through the council around 2 months later. Around 6 months later, I finally managed to pull myself out of the deep dark hole I was in but I still suffered from deep depression. When my son was 3, I started college. I started a job on his first day of school at age 4. I've worked ever since.
My son's father was in and out of his life when it suited him; not seeing him for ages (5 years being the longest from age 4 to 9).
I remained single for a further 10 years with the odd fling and one night stand. Never letting anyone close enough to break me again. Until last summer...
I met my current partner in the July. He is everything that my son's father isn't. Kind, caring, understanding. At first, I found it hard to believe that anyone could be that nice and that I would end up with my heart broken again so kept him at arms length. He gradually broke down my barriers and we've been living together since March.
I should add that I am still on anti-depressants 16 years on and I'm the most stable that I've ever been depression wise....but....the anxiety is killing me. I am absolutely petrified that he'll cheat/leave me. So much so that the independent woman I'd become is almost just a memory. I've become everything that I swore I'd never be again. Clingy, paranoid and (I think) possessive. My partner is very understanding and says that I'm none of those things. We talk, A LOT. He knows most of my inner thoughts and fears. I'm terrified that I'm going to push him away being the way I am. Every time his phone beeps with a message, I think he's talking to another girl. Even as I type this, I realise how ridiculous I sound. But that's the joy of anxiety I suppose, knowing that you're being irrational but the fear, dread and impending doom is so real at the time that you feel like you're suffocating.
My mum is now sober, has been for around 2 years and is stable. She's been a great support to me but doesn't understand anxiety. It's hard to explain something that even you don't understand half the time.
Sorry for the long post and thank you to all who have read this far!
I joined this forum to see if having and giving support to people in a similar situation to me may help, even just a little. Here's my story (sorry if it's a long one) -
I am now 32 years old. I grew up in a house with my mother, father and brother. My mum suffered from mental health issues for as long as I can remember. She was sometimes abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally) and in later years, an alcoholic.
I grew up pretty quickly when my mum and dad separated when I was 13/14 and stayed to look after my mum. My younger brother went to live with my dad but by then, my mum was so unwell that I felt I had to stay with her to stop her doing anything silly. Since then, she's been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and hospitalised a couple of times. I managed to do pretty well in school but was always a bit of a loner and bullied at school for many years.
Cut to age 16 when I met my son's father (aka sperm donor). He was a wrong 'un but I fell for him hook line and sinker. I got involved with the wrong crowd and started drinking and taking drugs. We met in the February/March, just after I had turned 16. By the May, I was pregnant. My mum threw me out when she found out I was pregnant and I moved in with my son's father. I then experienced a life that I didn't even know existed. Turns out that I had led a rather sheltered life up until then. Life with him was awful. He was mentally and emotionally manipulative and broke me down to a shell of the bubbly person that I used to be. He also cheated on me with my 'best friend' at the time.
My son was born a month before I turned 17. Life didn't get any better and we were both on the dole, living in a rough area. I started to suffer depression (this was when I was first prescribed anti-depressants).
On new years day, when my son would be turning 1 ten days later, he threw us both out. Turns out that he'd been seeing someone else behind my back and was 'leaving me' for her. What I didn't know then was that that was the beginning of my new life (no, actually, an ACTUAL life). We moved in with my father and I was, I'm ashamed to say, selfish. I could barely look after my son I was such a mess. My world had ended as far as I was concerned.
I managed to get a flat through the council around 2 months later. Around 6 months later, I finally managed to pull myself out of the deep dark hole I was in but I still suffered from deep depression. When my son was 3, I started college. I started a job on his first day of school at age 4. I've worked ever since.
My son's father was in and out of his life when it suited him; not seeing him for ages (5 years being the longest from age 4 to 9).
I remained single for a further 10 years with the odd fling and one night stand. Never letting anyone close enough to break me again. Until last summer...
I met my current partner in the July. He is everything that my son's father isn't. Kind, caring, understanding. At first, I found it hard to believe that anyone could be that nice and that I would end up with my heart broken again so kept him at arms length. He gradually broke down my barriers and we've been living together since March.
I should add that I am still on anti-depressants 16 years on and I'm the most stable that I've ever been depression wise....but....the anxiety is killing me. I am absolutely petrified that he'll cheat/leave me. So much so that the independent woman I'd become is almost just a memory. I've become everything that I swore I'd never be again. Clingy, paranoid and (I think) possessive. My partner is very understanding and says that I'm none of those things. We talk, A LOT. He knows most of my inner thoughts and fears. I'm terrified that I'm going to push him away being the way I am. Every time his phone beeps with a message, I think he's talking to another girl. Even as I type this, I realise how ridiculous I sound. But that's the joy of anxiety I suppose, knowing that you're being irrational but the fear, dread and impending doom is so real at the time that you feel like you're suffocating.
My mum is now sober, has been for around 2 years and is stable. She's been a great support to me but doesn't understand anxiety. It's hard to explain something that even you don't understand half the time.
Sorry for the long post and thank you to all who have read this far!