View Full Version : I just want it to end
I worked my absolute ass off doing 4 A levels for 2 years and countless other tests to get into the university I wanted to and I succeeded. I was told that I was going to get a loan and everything was fine but a few days ago I got a letter saying that I will not get a loan because there was system error they failed to notify me about so now I can't go. On top of all that, my dad passed away a month ago.
My entire future just got crushed, any hopes of a career were taken away and I just can't deal with all this pain and disappointment anymore. I'm tired and exhausted of life and I just want it to end. I don't know what to do to be quite honest, I have no motivation to keep going in life or even be alive at all. This stress that has been going on for the past 2 years has caused daily anxiety attacks and now I just don't feel anything at all.
I don't know if this is the right place or if anyone cares at all but I just wanted to get it off my chest.
I'm 18 years old and I am beyond done with life, I see no point in moving forward.
Thank you for listening.
Was any reason given as to why you didn't get the loan? Surely if it was just a system error you could reapply?
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. However you are very young and things can improve for you. Most people I know who got a degree have done so in their mid-late 20's so time is still on your side. I'm very nearly 28 and really want to study but my mental health prevents that at the moment. I really thought I'd be more than I am by now as I know I have the potential, so i know how upsetting it must be for you but I still feel like it could be possible for you to get a loan somehow. I've never heard of anybody being refused unless they've already had one in the past.
Are you getting any help for your anxiety?
Basically, I was given false information about my application and was told to cancel it which now turned out to be pointless. When I applied back in March, I had to provide 3 year residency evidence which I did since I wasn't born here. No one told me that the law had changed and that I now need to provide 5 year evidence starting from September 1st 2011 - I moved here 15th of September 2011 so that's why they declined.
This has just been a running theme in my life - I work my ass off, I get the opportunity and it always and always comes down to money or someone else's mistakes. Since I have no evidence of the phone calls to that person who gave me false info, I can't appeal my case. A levels and entry requirements also change this year so I might have to retake A levels.
I haven't had any help for any of this because I don't see the point. It's not going to bring my dad back or take away the pain and disappointment or help me go to Uni and have a chance in life :(
Thank you for your reply!
I am so sorry about losing your father last month. Is it possible it might be a better option to give yourself some time to take care of yourself before starting school? I started graduate school the same year my mom died and it was extremely hard. I got through it, but it was one of the hardest years of my life. I feel like I didn't have time to feel what I needed to feel.
I agree with KeeKee - time is on your side. You have plenty of time to go to school. Is this something you could start next year when you have the solid 5 years done? When I was in grad school, there were people of all ages there starting new careers - 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, even 60s. It is never too late.
It makes sense that you feel as low as you do. Your father just passed away and you have been working hard to go to school and just had to change your plans. This is definitely not the end of the road for you though. :hugs:
Thank you.
I really don't know what to do. It's humiliating and I keep seeing everyone posting pictures of the things they've got and congratulating me on getting into Uni and my dad was so happy when he found out and proud of me and now I've just let him down. Every time I even see the word "uni", it feels like I'm being stabbed.
I'll see what the future brings but I don't unfortunately have the time to just not do anything - I need to help my mum pay rent etc so I will need to find a job ASAP.
Thank you for the kind messages, you've been very helpful.
Hello - First let me say that I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. Especially the loss of your father. It must be very difficult for you. My sincere condolences.
It's difficult for me to see someone so young as you with obviously sooo much promise to not see down the road a little further. You probably have somewhere from 70 to 80 years left on this planet (wish I could say that). You are focusing on the here and now only. When driving down the road if one looks directly at the ground in front of the car one will slam into an oak tree fairly quickly. You have to look down the road and plan accordingly. Obstacles will come, a dog running out in front of you, a storm, and of course all the really bad drivers out there - of which there are legions. But we don't stop driving. We slow down, go around, or take another path.
By your own words you worked hard and accomplished a very difficult task. You can't control the actions or mistakes of others. Take what you've done and look for other avenues. Apply it to a different school. It's ok to be disappointed but you're too damn young to be discouraged.
You are obviously a very bright young woman. Do not give up. I can't tell you how many times I've had disappointment in my life only to look back and say thank goodness I didn't get that because look what came out of it for me. Life is a trip. Enjoy the ride.
I'll leave you with something a very old man once said to me:
"If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans."
N.
That's very encouraging, thank you. I like the quote.
I just feel like I've failed my family, especially my mum and dad as they were all so excited and proud and I was the first one in my family to actually "make it". Clearly not.
I know I'm being pathetic and like any other disappointed person but all of this has been building up inside of me since my dad's death and these past 3 years have been a series of unfortunate events and loss (my dad, nan, sister) no matter how hard I try. My mum is in deep depression so there's no one I can really talk to or rely on - we all have our problems and by the looks of it, they just keep on coming and I have no fight left in me to motivate myself to get through this.
Thank you for the kind words, it's really nice to know that someone cares.
Look - There's no doubt you are carrying a heavy load right now. And I guarantee you are in no way letting your family down. Just don't let yourself down. And it's ok to take a breather now and again. The one thing you have, and it's probably the most valuable commodity anyone can have, is time. I suspect that the loss of your dad is the main underlying cause of what you are feeling. It wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel this way. And I sense that inwardly you are a very strong person. Though I know you don't feel this way at the moment. We all need time to grieve and cry and heal. Though we would naturally like it to be, the process can't be rushed.
Yes, you are among friends here and we do care very much. If you can't find someone to talk to at home certainly come here. For sure you will make some good friends.
You're not being pathetic...you're being human.
N.
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