Family illness... health anxiety going crazy.

[JosieLouise]

I had no idea what to title this... I don't want to trigger anybody. I won't go into details for that same reason.

My Grandad's going to die soon. We've known this since the beginning of the year and we reckon it'll probably be a couple more months. So naturally our whole family is sort of revolving around it. We're not going anywhere far away from home, cancelled our summer holidays, not making any solid plans for the rest of the year. It's like this cloud hanging over our heads, the most bizarre feeling of waiting for it to happen.

And then there's selfish old me, whose health anxiety is going into overdrive because of all this. I can't type the word, but you can probably guess that my Grandad's illness is the same/similar to what my anxiety fixates on. So every time I see him, every time we talk about it, every time I go to a hospital with him, it kicks in. It's getting to the point where I don't want to see him, which makes me feel like a horrible human being, because I mentally can't cope with seeing what IT is doing to him.

I'm on a waiting list for counselling. I don't think it can come soon enough.

[elysemarie123]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandfather -- death is never easy and having it hang over your head like that is awful.

One thing I will remind you is to NOT feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Everyone copes differently and the fact that your health anxiety kicks in when someone is sick is perfectly normal. It does not diminish your love for him and does not make you a horrible person. When my friend died I felt exactly the same way. Please remember what you are feeling is NORMAL and let your feelings happen. Trying to hold things in or ignore them will make it worse.

Let yourself feel.

[Captain irrational]

And then there's selfish old me, whose health anxiety is going into overdrive because of all this. I can't type the word, but you can probably guess that my Grandad's illness is the same/similar to what my anxiety fixates on. So every time I see him, every time we talk about it, every time I go to a hospital with him, it kicks in. It's getting to the point where I don't want to see him, which makes me feel like a horrible human being, because I mentally can't cope with seeing what IT is doing to him.

That's an entirely understandable response for somebody in your position, it doesn't make you a horrible person at all, nor does it make you selfish. Selfishness is a choice, none of us choose to have anxiety. You have however chosen to take steps towards overcoming your anxiety, such as joining this forum where others in the same boat can help you work through your troubles, and by seeking counselling. Those are both positive steps in the right direction and should be proud of yourself for it.

I'm very sorry to hear about your poor grandad. Me and my family are in a somewhat similar position with my own grandmother. She doesn't have any terminal illnesses, but we have had to watch both her mental and physical state decline enormously in the past two years (severe arthritis and short term memory loss). She is in constant pain and is always muddled and confused about everything. It's really heartbreaking to see and we don't expect her to last much longer. A part of me hopes she will just go peacefully in her sleep before her conditions become even worse.

[JosieLouise]

Thank you both.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself.