terry1991
29-08-16, 21:33
Sorry for the long post but your thoughts would be greatly appreciated :)
A question I have always had about life is ‘Why does everyone one else worry so much about the small pointless problems in life rather than the largest problem of all which is life itself?’
This question is always on my mind, where ever I go or what ever I am doing and I just can’t shake it off even though I know there is no answer.
People will answer such question with such things as ‘You are simply unhappy with your life, find out what you want from your own life and it will lead to a happier you’.
This does not address the question as many people say how fed up with things they are and yet still worry about these little problems where I gave up addressing things which can be left without dire consequences.
Another good one is ‘We as intelligent human beings all have dreams, things we want to do or accomplish so forget the consequences and go live your dreams’ now I like this statement as its light hearted yet a powerfully true statement however, to do this one much have dreams or aspirations in their live’s which I do not.
There is nothing I want from life… thats it… I don’t know what else to add to that.
Maybe the above situation stems from my ever-growing list of mental problems, this would account for a tremendous amount of unease I have with life in my mind.
So you can clearly (as clear as I can make it) understand my mind state, I will list and attempt to briefly explain about it. So here goes;
Starting from my youth (as far as I can remember) I have always been very timid, only talkative when I felt it safe to do so and never liked crowds. This (from my guess work) came from a morbid phobia of balloons which haunted my whole life until recent years. On numerous occasions which I thought would be safe from balloons, they appeared and I had to make embarrassing exits in front of people. There after I avoided places I did not know, People I did not know, Friends birthday parties where a big no no and I got so school did not feel a safe place either.
Even though I had my group of friends the threat of balloons appearing was always there.
I won’t explain the whole event but once at school everybody found out about my morbid phobia and of course that made my life go from living very stressed to feeling like I had gone completely off the rails.
I knew everyone knew my secret and they could use it against me at any point, I chose to fade in to the unnoticeable background so to be forgotten about.
I lost all self respect, dignity, any morsel of confidence I had and I become frightened to stand up for myself. Im thin and not physically strong so I could never take anyone on that way and if I tried a verbal debate I knew all they had to do is show a balloon and that was me beat so I gave up and let people treat or talk to me how ever they wanted.
I always kept the mind set that ‘oh well, It will all just change as you get older’, but sadly those experiences left terrible scars and I am now the worst its ever been.
Soon after leaving school and trying a few of the normal teenage things like clubbing I realised how I had no social confidence or skills, no dress sense and didn’t fit in with anything. So I kept myself to my job with the thought that they are all still airheads who haven’t got a clue about the future. I believed that working straight away that I would quickly be able to start my own life, own my own home, a car and hopefully have a wife one day.
Harsh reality soon punched me in the face about that one too, suddenly I’ve got to the age which I dreamed of jumping to when I was younger saying ‘I wish I could miss the next 10 years out of my life and be 25, all the crap will be over by then’ how wrong was I.
My attempts at finding a partner was one huge humiliation, I have realised that women have no interest in me (tried numerous times). So I have accepted the single life but that I can happily take that, I just wish I had brains for a good career job to earn good money and high self esteem/confidence to go out and do things.
Truth of the matter is I have got to a stage where I don’t trust anybody and “I hate people” this is a harsh but very honest statement, all people annoy me to some degree but many I hate and think they shouldn’t be in my space.
I’d be happy to be told that I will die in the night I would ask if I could go to bed early.
Life in my head is stress and total confusion of emotions. I believe every person I see is much better than me in every way, I deserve to be pushed aside for these people. I feel like crying but can’t, I feel like screaming but can’t, I feel intense destructive anger that has caused me to physically shake but as I said above I’m physically weak also unsure of my own mind that I can’t let any of it out. Other people don’t see this side to me, they just see the fake smile. I would never commit suicide but I think about dying a lot! I wish for death to come upon me everyday.
So far I feel life has robbed everything from me, I feel I have no soul, no valid emotions.
For a brief spell I saw a councillor but I stopped after 3 sessions because it felt pointless and not worth paying £65 a time.
I sleep every night listening to hypnosis podcasts for stress/anger/confidence and relaxation (I can’t sleep without listening to them now).
Am I going crazy? Anyone ever felt like this? :s
A question I have always had about life is ‘Why does everyone one else worry so much about the small pointless problems in life rather than the largest problem of all which is life itself?’
This question is always on my mind, where ever I go or what ever I am doing and I just can’t shake it off even though I know there is no answer.
People will answer such question with such things as ‘You are simply unhappy with your life, find out what you want from your own life and it will lead to a happier you’.
This does not address the question as many people say how fed up with things they are and yet still worry about these little problems where I gave up addressing things which can be left without dire consequences.
Another good one is ‘We as intelligent human beings all have dreams, things we want to do or accomplish so forget the consequences and go live your dreams’ now I like this statement as its light hearted yet a powerfully true statement however, to do this one much have dreams or aspirations in their live’s which I do not.
There is nothing I want from life… thats it… I don’t know what else to add to that.
Maybe the above situation stems from my ever-growing list of mental problems, this would account for a tremendous amount of unease I have with life in my mind.
So you can clearly (as clear as I can make it) understand my mind state, I will list and attempt to briefly explain about it. So here goes;
Starting from my youth (as far as I can remember) I have always been very timid, only talkative when I felt it safe to do so and never liked crowds. This (from my guess work) came from a morbid phobia of balloons which haunted my whole life until recent years. On numerous occasions which I thought would be safe from balloons, they appeared and I had to make embarrassing exits in front of people. There after I avoided places I did not know, People I did not know, Friends birthday parties where a big no no and I got so school did not feel a safe place either.
Even though I had my group of friends the threat of balloons appearing was always there.
I won’t explain the whole event but once at school everybody found out about my morbid phobia and of course that made my life go from living very stressed to feeling like I had gone completely off the rails.
I knew everyone knew my secret and they could use it against me at any point, I chose to fade in to the unnoticeable background so to be forgotten about.
I lost all self respect, dignity, any morsel of confidence I had and I become frightened to stand up for myself. Im thin and not physically strong so I could never take anyone on that way and if I tried a verbal debate I knew all they had to do is show a balloon and that was me beat so I gave up and let people treat or talk to me how ever they wanted.
I always kept the mind set that ‘oh well, It will all just change as you get older’, but sadly those experiences left terrible scars and I am now the worst its ever been.
Soon after leaving school and trying a few of the normal teenage things like clubbing I realised how I had no social confidence or skills, no dress sense and didn’t fit in with anything. So I kept myself to my job with the thought that they are all still airheads who haven’t got a clue about the future. I believed that working straight away that I would quickly be able to start my own life, own my own home, a car and hopefully have a wife one day.
Harsh reality soon punched me in the face about that one too, suddenly I’ve got to the age which I dreamed of jumping to when I was younger saying ‘I wish I could miss the next 10 years out of my life and be 25, all the crap will be over by then’ how wrong was I.
My attempts at finding a partner was one huge humiliation, I have realised that women have no interest in me (tried numerous times). So I have accepted the single life but that I can happily take that, I just wish I had brains for a good career job to earn good money and high self esteem/confidence to go out and do things.
Truth of the matter is I have got to a stage where I don’t trust anybody and “I hate people” this is a harsh but very honest statement, all people annoy me to some degree but many I hate and think they shouldn’t be in my space.
I’d be happy to be told that I will die in the night I would ask if I could go to bed early.
Life in my head is stress and total confusion of emotions. I believe every person I see is much better than me in every way, I deserve to be pushed aside for these people. I feel like crying but can’t, I feel like screaming but can’t, I feel intense destructive anger that has caused me to physically shake but as I said above I’m physically weak also unsure of my own mind that I can’t let any of it out. Other people don’t see this side to me, they just see the fake smile. I would never commit suicide but I think about dying a lot! I wish for death to come upon me everyday.
So far I feel life has robbed everything from me, I feel I have no soul, no valid emotions.
For a brief spell I saw a councillor but I stopped after 3 sessions because it felt pointless and not worth paying £65 a time.
I sleep every night listening to hypnosis podcasts for stress/anger/confidence and relaxation (I can’t sleep without listening to them now).
Am I going crazy? Anyone ever felt like this? :s