Isaac_vale
29-08-16, 23:17
Hi everyone,
I'm Isaac, I'm a 19 year old boy/man (still not sure) from London.
As I'm writing I feel OK. That means I'm not pacing around the room trying not to die.
I think it all started in my childhood, as young as 7 or 8 I can remember sleepless nights thinking about all the stabbings that were happening in London. Not wanting to go to the park because I was scared of people my age that I didn't know. Although strangely enough I've always been a very sociable person, especially since my teens.
On reflection I've always been naturally prone to feeling depressed and/or anxious. Religious conflict (coming to terms with not believing in the christian god I was brought up believing in, being frightened of spending an eternity in hell due to my sexuality, etc . .) and genetic heritage are two factors I would imagine play big roles. My dad has quit 2 jobs due to stress and has been diagnosed with a number of mental health issues (he hasn't told me the specific ones but I think bipolar is one) and my mum has been on anti-depressants.
As time has passed life has gotten better and worse. In some respects I am better than ever but in others I am the worst I have ever been. I was experiencing depression and mild anxiety to varying degrees on and off as long as I can remember, worsening (but also improving) through my teens. Taking mdma and other similar drugs more than likely didn't help in the long run and it wasn't until about the end of last year I started regularly experiencing panic attacks. They started off as difficulty breathing accompanied by fears of imminent heart attack. I had a meningitis phase where I kept giving myself symptoms of meningitis to the point where I would have called for an ambulance if it weren't for my boyfriend. I would feel on the edge of fainting at work (I work in a cafe) and slowly I found it more and more difficult to ever feel relaxed or content. Wine helped me get to sleep, but I try not to rely on it because becoming an alcoholic is really the last thing I need. My panic attacks have since evolved. I have good days and bad days. Most days I have panic attacks at some point. Recently this has involved feeling as if at any moment I might just completely cease to exist, feeling so detached that I might be about to lose my mind and have no awareness of or connection to my surroundings. I fear that I am about to become paralysed due to my crippling anxiety and depression. Fears of a stroke occur most days too. Sometimes I can reason with myself and remember everything is ok, other times my fear gets the better of me and I go to my dark place.
I have never been diagnosed with anything but I know that I am suffering from panic disorder (a follow on from my anxiety) as well as some degree of depression. It's hard to admit you need help and though now I'm in a place where I'm ready to look for it, my life is so busy and the GPs so booked up that it feels genuinely impossible to see someone. I don't know if this story of my life is appropriate for this thread but I just want someone to help me out and tell me what I need to do to get my life back for good.
Thank you very much if you have taken the time to read all of this, it's assuring to know I have some form of outlet.
I'm Isaac, I'm a 19 year old boy/man (still not sure) from London.
As I'm writing I feel OK. That means I'm not pacing around the room trying not to die.
I think it all started in my childhood, as young as 7 or 8 I can remember sleepless nights thinking about all the stabbings that were happening in London. Not wanting to go to the park because I was scared of people my age that I didn't know. Although strangely enough I've always been a very sociable person, especially since my teens.
On reflection I've always been naturally prone to feeling depressed and/or anxious. Religious conflict (coming to terms with not believing in the christian god I was brought up believing in, being frightened of spending an eternity in hell due to my sexuality, etc . .) and genetic heritage are two factors I would imagine play big roles. My dad has quit 2 jobs due to stress and has been diagnosed with a number of mental health issues (he hasn't told me the specific ones but I think bipolar is one) and my mum has been on anti-depressants.
As time has passed life has gotten better and worse. In some respects I am better than ever but in others I am the worst I have ever been. I was experiencing depression and mild anxiety to varying degrees on and off as long as I can remember, worsening (but also improving) through my teens. Taking mdma and other similar drugs more than likely didn't help in the long run and it wasn't until about the end of last year I started regularly experiencing panic attacks. They started off as difficulty breathing accompanied by fears of imminent heart attack. I had a meningitis phase where I kept giving myself symptoms of meningitis to the point where I would have called for an ambulance if it weren't for my boyfriend. I would feel on the edge of fainting at work (I work in a cafe) and slowly I found it more and more difficult to ever feel relaxed or content. Wine helped me get to sleep, but I try not to rely on it because becoming an alcoholic is really the last thing I need. My panic attacks have since evolved. I have good days and bad days. Most days I have panic attacks at some point. Recently this has involved feeling as if at any moment I might just completely cease to exist, feeling so detached that I might be about to lose my mind and have no awareness of or connection to my surroundings. I fear that I am about to become paralysed due to my crippling anxiety and depression. Fears of a stroke occur most days too. Sometimes I can reason with myself and remember everything is ok, other times my fear gets the better of me and I go to my dark place.
I have never been diagnosed with anything but I know that I am suffering from panic disorder (a follow on from my anxiety) as well as some degree of depression. It's hard to admit you need help and though now I'm in a place where I'm ready to look for it, my life is so busy and the GPs so booked up that it feels genuinely impossible to see someone. I don't know if this story of my life is appropriate for this thread but I just want someone to help me out and tell me what I need to do to get my life back for good.
Thank you very much if you have taken the time to read all of this, it's assuring to know I have some form of outlet.