IWANTTOGETITRIGHT
31-08-16, 12:25
I am spiraling so fast and want to explode. I feel helpless. I am doing everything wrong. My partner is so enraged with me they have taken the panic in the last two days to a threatening level. I can't calm them as there seems to be a store of hate coming out at a level I just can't assimilate fast enough to be defenseless and soak it all up without saying something wrong that catapults the aggression, rejection and venom that is all aimed at me. I am battling with a delivery in the last two weeks where my partner has blamed me for not being able to function normally for the majority of the firts year of this relationship. They want what feels like my soul to jump on for their non achievement - including admission & apologies. We have had many "left" moments in this year that I was not able to rationalise and make sense of. All the while appearing to me like a willful attempt to derail all the good without motive. Two weeks ago after one of these, becoming more frequent and intense moments, my partner told me they had an anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Having read some pieces on anxiety I can see that I have not been helpful. Half of me is so mad at only being given this much needed spelling out to me now, and the other half just wants to get it right from now on. My partner since telling me is shocked that they actually feel worse, and not relieved for telling me, and was expecting an epiphany between us that would magically fix the situation. Personally, I am still trying to get my head around everything. According to my partner now I must suffer for what I have done because any normal person would have worked out that there partner was reacting all the while going left out of hurt. I am aware not to open my mouth at these times, as that one has gone so dreadfully wrong. When a contrary action does not make sense to me in a seemingly very good space without a known cause I have done many wrong things - been; impatient, emotional, angry, defensive, exhasted and weary with it as I rarely get at the time of these surges a clear question or statement delivered that I can address. Attack insues and then I attack back. I have never experienced this level of emotional see-saw. I am trying to catch up as fast as I can. I want this sensation within me of spinning on a really fast roundabout whilst bashing against a wall on the edge of it. When I have brought up any feeling (not that one) with my partner that I am experiencing they go mental at me - I have no right to a feeling at all at this stage. I have hurt them. I must soak that up fully now and demonstrate only contrition from every living pore. My head is going to blow for my partners sake and for it's own sakes! Is it crazy that I say I have never felt this level of anxiety constantly myself? --- is that narcissism inside me now doing anxiety? Must everything break everywhere? Is there a point at which the anger will stop? I want to wake-up from a nightmare really. I love my partner and have looked at all the reasons I do, and I still stand by those. Is there a third entity in our house that I cannot see that is able to tip the dynamics at will? Do I need to do something when my partner rages that one of us will be leaving the house in a body bag soon? - that they are close to a breakdown, I am the cause, and that they are going to tear everything down now? How do I assimilate someone telling me they love the bones off me in the morning and then appearing to completely hate and be disgusted by me in the afternoon (sometimes in the same hour)? Is it OK to folks at No More Panic that a partner comes on this platform? - I just don't know what to do that might calm it down for more than 2 days - this seems to be where it's at. But the pitch is now untenable for me...