Long Post - Have to get this out of my head!

[Kathryn313]

So I thought I had it all sorted...CBT seemed to be working, I was/am starting to look after myself better. Eating better, a bit of exercise and self care is all part of the plan. I had some blood tests a few weeks ago which came back clear but my follow up was 4-5 weeks after the bloods were taken and I always knew that would be a challenging time to wait to talk to someone. The f/up appointment is on Monday and with the bloods all being clear, I don't know what to expect or to bring up with the Dr...and all the below is what is going through my mind right now...

My HA was triggered by an initial disbelief of an asthma diagnosis, I ended up really wheezy on the inhale rather than the exhale and I become fixated that it must be something other than asthma. Chest X-Ray was done and came back clear. It was suggested that because my steroid inhaler cleared the wheezing that it was just the way my asthma presented itself and to keep using the inhaler.

Inhaler use resulted in oral thrush and in turn a scratchy throat. I then became concerned that I had a throat issue, I did wonder if it was a benign condition called vocal cord dysfunction (when I was rational) or something more serious (when I was catastrophizing) as it was at the same time as unexpected weight loss (this is when I broke down at the Drs and the medication was suggested). It has also been suggested it could be GERD but I read a story months ago about someone who was diagnosed with anxiety, then GERD and it turned out to be NH Lymphoma (apologies if this triggers others), so I now associate GERD with a negative too.

I have omperozle but the information on the leaflet says it can mask other conditions so am scared to take it before I have other things ruled out. My present thinking is that I have a problem with my GI tract. My IBS has since flared up (constipation) so I think it’s a bowel problem, or it could all be stomach related. My stools appear to have changed slightly in colour. I wondered if it could be due to adding fish oil to my diet, or originally if it was a result of my oral thrush medication.

I find myself constantly circling for an explanation to all this. It’s exhausting and scary. And I can see clearly how this is typical HA thinking. I am still losing weight easily but I think that because the time I use to spend snacking I now spend worrying. My tastes have also changed and sweet things seem to taste too sweet.

The final straw relates to my tongue….. I was checking my tongue last week, I started this bad habit when I had oral thrush, and noticed a small patch on the left hand side which looked like it might flake off (pale white outline). I used my CBT thinking and thought about what it could actually be – side effect of the thrush meds, reaction to antacids, always been there but not noticed it before, and I limited my checking plus contacted the dentist for an appointment. Against my better judgement I checked again this evening and that patch is still there, and now seems to be another just behind it.
I know there is no way to get reassurance until my Dr appointment on Monday (although my CBT-ist would say this whole email is reassurance seeking).

This weekend is going to be a long one. I need to focus on health positive actions and not checking. To top it off my wheezing and crackly breathing is back (Logic -because I have stopped steroid inhaler to clear thrush, Catastrophising – because the chest Xray wasn’t detailed enough and/or my underlying condition cannot be picked up this way).

I have stopped short of listing all the things that I have been aware of these last few weeks, which includes itchy feet and hives, obsession that my nails look different to other peoples, whether an old dried up cyst under my arm has changed, painful bloating sensation after large meal. I seem to have completely forgotten what normal bodily sensations are and they are all something new/more painful than before.

Thanks for reading! (if you stuck with it)

[smiles]

Oh lovely, it's so very hard isn't it?
Just to try to rid you of some of your fears... My son had really bad asthma, he never had a wheeze at all, not even when he was in the middle of a full on attack, his presented with a cough, very odd but asthma effects people in different ways.
If you are doing slimming world ( congrats on fantastic weight loss) your tastes will change loads, particularly with sweet/ fatty foods.
I presume the unexpected weight loss was prior to SW? I have also lost a stone in the last month, on my least favourite diet... It's called the anxiety diet!! The only positive to come out of anxiety!!!
I had something similar sounding on my tongue, I believe it was the whitening toothpaste I used at the time, I changed to sensitive toothpaste and gargled twice a day with corsydal.
As for all the digestive stuff, bloating, pain and bowel probs, I should imagine it is down to IBS.
Explain all your worries to your GP on Monday, but until then NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN OVER THE WEEKEND!!!
Please try not to tye yourself up in knots (I know how hard it is) and let us know how you get on on Monday x

[swgrl09]

The positive is that you ARE able to rationalize, even if the anxiety still lingers. Keep thinking about the facts here, which you have clearly stated.

I do know the feeling like you are circling and spiraling with anxiety. I think we get into a cycle of checking our bodies for symptoms, panicking, then when we finally calm down about one thing we search for something else. See if you can challenge yourself to limit your checking behaviors.

[Kathryn313]

It's amazing how a good nights sleep can reset your thinking! I have just read a post from someone who says HA is like a bonfire, you think that it has gone out but its there just simmering waiting for something to bring it back into full fire. In my case it was the strange look to my tongue and the return of the wheezing.

This morning, after a bit of brooding I got myself back on track, relaxing bath, walk and update of my HA CBT diary. There is nothing I can do until I see the experts and NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN OVER THE WEEKEND!! (really appreciated that sentiment), but something good could happen over the weekend if I make the time to get out and about.

I have also taken the omeprazole, not worth sitting here getting worse when there is a potential solution which has been given to me.

---------- Post added at 13:59 ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 ----------

Oh and the bonfire gets lit ever so slightly again, as I looked down at my left forearm and there was a non itchy red rash from wrist to elbow. Showed it to my partner who said it looked like their heat rash, I put something cold on it and it immediately dissipated. *sigh*

[swgrl09]

That's a great metaphor - the bonfire. The hot embers are always there, just need the right thing to feed them. But if you don't let it get fed, it will eventually go out.

Glad you have gotten through the night. I also find a good night of sleep helpful.

[ScaredCaz]

Hi

So sorry you are going through this my HA works similar to yours in that my head is going round and round with what ifs and maybes even when I'm having a good day I could suddenly think to myself here you are laughing and joking and you could have cancer �� That's exactly how I work and when I'm ill whether it's my ibs or one of the other millions of niggles I get due to my fibromyalgia under active thyroid or just me being me it makes my HA so much worse

I wish I had some magic words for you but I don't so all I can say is think positive thoughts try and busy yourself but not wear yourself out listen to a podcast read a book do a crossword anything to concentrate on something else and I'm sure by Monday after your appointment you will feel so much better

Good luck

[Kathryn313]

Thanks. I just wish I knew what I might be best saying to the GP.

It's not a long appointment and I know anything I don't cover will be the next thing to brood over. I read that one guy helped his HA by having a regular appt in the GPs diary I wonder if that is helpful in the short term and whether my GP would be so tolerant.

[Kathryn313]

So following appt with GP - all bloods were fine (thyroid, kidneys, hormones, full blood count ect) just my CRP that is raised. Only to 5 though, so nothing outrageous.

She did finally get to see that my wheezing was not coming from my chest and my seemed surprised that my 02 levels were fine even though I had an audiable wheeze. Given a week of steroids to clear it up and some antihistamines. Then back in a few weeks to have a 15 min appt to have a good go over all my symptoms and try and tie it all together.

Feel a bit relieved and felt to be taken seriously but I wonder how long until the bonfire realises it has more fuel to go at!!

[Kathryn313]

So had a Bowel movement with blood on it the night before last. Not had that before, had a bit of a mini melt down, my right side beneath ribs hurt and beginning to perceive that my stools are yellower. That is when I can go! HA is telling me that this must be either liver cancer or a have an obstruction in gallbladder/digestive tract.

Keep telling myself my FBC was perfect (so can't be losing too much blood for anywhere can I?) and that my liver function tests were also good (so that should also be healthy?). Phoned dr and got the on call triage doc who said probably a pile, the colouring probably IBS and to see if side pain goes away with painkillers. Asked if I wanted to see him earlier than the 19th or stick my own doctor. Said prefer own doc but am wondering about getting a abdo ultrasound in the mean time?!? . This stuff really is relentless.

[Kathryn313]

So I guess I am really just updating this thread for me, kind of a blog to look back over my thoughts, feelings and symptoms.

I have had no further bowel bleeds as far as I am aware. I have stopped checking as much , so occasionally the 'what if you missed it' voice comes into my head. The pains on my right did subside with painkillers but I still get a prickly sensation across my left or right side. It most feels like someone is running a small cactus over it! It passes quickly so I don't dwell.

My tongue is still odd, the patches on left hand side seem to swell, them vanish, then I have a smooth red patch and then the patches come back. I read about something called geographical tongue, seems to match symptoms.

Today I saw my asthma nurse, the 5 day course of steroids worked whilst I was taking them but the day after the wheeze was back. She has changed my inhaler to a combined steroid and reliever one so hopefully that will help and not start another bout of oral thrush. I still think my wheeze is atypical but what can you do when no one else thinks so.

She also took a repeat blood test for creatine as it was elevated at 85 against a threshold of 80. Although the GP didn't mention that. She Said doing the repeat as they had no baseline to compare it to. I would have liked a repeat CRP too but that hadn't been requested.

My blood pressure was back to normal range, slightly high pulse.

I haven't lost any more weight in the last three weeks so that's keeping me a bit calm. Trying not to entertain too many thoughts of kidney disease.

GP follow up on Monday, will show her my tongue then. Talk about my blood in stool and right side pain and see what we come up with then!!

[Kathryn313]

Having a mini melt down. I keep going over what my blood results could mean and have I got kidney disease!

I have also gone from being completely rational to irrational over this mark on my tongue. Been looking for private oral surgeon appointments or a dentist but cant find anything, I need to know whether it could be tongue cancer. I am annoyed at myself for forgetting to show the nurse this morning and now I have to wait until Monday!!

[Kathryn313]

So, not been too bad these last couple of days. Did weigh myself this morning and felt that anxiety rise when I saw I had lost 3lbs since last week so that makes a total of 10lbs in 5 months. Having it hasn't been a continuous loss, most of it (5lbs) went when I was stressing over chest x-ray results. The other 5lb as been up and down.

The new inhaler seems really effectively and I slept without wheezing for the last couple of nights, which is more than I have managed in a quite a few weeks. Mum mentioned she also had this inhaler (despite not having asthma, when she developed a wheeze after a chest infection) so far so good. Did wake this morning with a slight wheeze but took the inhaler and seems ok now.

The side of my tongue seems to be on a calm day, you can see where the smooth patch is but nothing raised and you would have to know where you were looking to notice it at all. No signs of any pesky oral thrush coming back. I rinse before and after inhaler and using cortisol to see if helps with tongue.

Have gone back to just checking before I flush to check no blood and there is nothing since last week. One thing that did come to mind was that my stools have pretty much always floated - I actually thought this is normal - but from some posts on this site it seems that the opposite is true. Something else for the doctor list. I also red that kidney disease shows itself by blood in urine or fizzy urine (none of these I have, as far as I know! - did google self test kits and then had a word with myself)

I have a quiet weekend ahead so I need to make sure I don't go into panic mode. I also haven't been able to see my CBT person for the last couple of weeks so I think I am in need of a session there too.

Self Care Actions:
I have had no caffine for four days and have increased my intake of water.
Am trying to remember to take fish oils evey day
Booked in with massage therapist end of next

Wishing you all a rational weekend, afterall that all we can hope for! :)

[Kathryn313]

Update following GP appointment - This appointment was about reviewing all my symptoms and bringing things together...however I don't really feel that happened. First i spoke to a medical student and had to relive the last three months worth of symptoms and history to what felt like a 12 year old. The 12 year old then relayed this back to my GP as if i wasn't in the room. She was very nice about it all but talking poop to someone who felt like the equivalent of your friends teenage daughter was difficult!

GP took blood pressure, was really pleased that it was back to normal, she commented how much more relaxed I was looking and that my self care regime must be working.

My repeat creatine was still slightly up and she wants to repeat it in a month, along with my CRP.

GP not concerned about the blood in stool, the change in colour or pains on right hand side. Just commented that IBS and stress were related, I would have at least appreciated her having a feel around my abdomen and such like. Am a bit afraid to check myself in case i find something!

When I mentioned my tongue, she didn't think to have a look and I forgot to ask her check before I left (do have a dentist appt on Wednesday, so will be checked there)

I have a follow up with nurse regarding inhalers in 6 weeks and i should take a urine sample at that point, i guess to keep a check on kidneys.

It just felt like now we can treat all the symptoms there is no reason to find out the cause.

[Kathryn313]

Update post Dentist (I hope I aren't boring you all with this too much!)...I was worried I was wasting his time and that he would just say "go to GP" but he was very good and said it made sense for any concerns regarding tongue to go to him as they see so many they have a better sense of normal. My tongue has been better over these last couple of days the smooth red patch seems to be getting smaller and the flakey patches seem not to have reoccurred since the last one resolved a few days ago. He had a good look round and found what he called an area of hyperkeratosis potentially caused by teeth rubbing against it. He said it didn't look cancerous and there was a similar area on the other side which was reassuring to him. When/if the redness or the flakey-ness comes back then call that day and he will try and fit me in on the day so he can see it at its worse but all being well he will see me in four months for my usual check up.

Bowel movements are back to being fairly regular, drinking lots of water but the colour still looks pale to me and they are a bit fatty/floaty. I don't check every time (CBT in action) and I know I can mention it to the nurse on the 24th Oct. If it gets worse I will just phone up for an appointment.

My latest CBT appt was 2 days ago, we are trying to work on my fear of losing weight and looking to embrace weight loss as a way of improving my health, not a sign of it deteriorating. I made it through the whole appt without crying so I am taking that as a sign that my emotional resilience is improving.

Self Care Actions:
Reflection Log at the end of a day listing three things that went well today.
Introducing turmeric into my diet
Continuing water intake.
Continuing fish oils
First massage therapist appt on Friday.

[Kathryn313]

Nobody has commented telling me to stop banging on about myself so I will continue with the update. First massage therapist appointment today. Not sure what I expected but it was a pleasant way to spend an hour, from a HA point of view it also meant there was someone rubbing my muscles who would be able to feel any random lumps and bumps. This had an unexpected effect of offering reassurance. Although not sure CBT would say that was a healthy step forward.

Am still having niggles on right and left side, kind of just below my breasts which are causing little HA spikes. Also oral thrush back from ashtma meds. Tongue still odd. Trying to stay rational.

---------- Post added 24-09-16 at 00:08 ---------- Previous post was 23-09-16 at 23:52 ----------

Slight freak out, went to bathroom and looked at my hands as I washed them to see that all the veins looked bluer and more noticeable than usually. Washed hands and pretty much bank to normal!! But left me with a racing heart and a desire to google.

[dale12345]

It probably stress and IBS, just had a bit of blood on my stool if you have hemorrhoids very normal. I am sure it will be ok. Deep Breaths and positive thoughts.

[Kathryn313]

Having a strange day, I have had a good couple of days but for some reason i told myself it was ok to have a bit of a google over these grey knuckles. I haven't done that since the beginning of this whole saga but it was almost like an addict testing whether I am still dependent.

I got no answers to it, interesting thread out there about other people with similar thing but no answers - they all appear to not have died from it but then escalated to grey knuckles and wheezing before I knew it I had wated over an hour of my life. tTold myself enough was enough and shut it down. But what is interesting is that those pains just above my bowel are now occurring, so increased focus on health = notice symptoms. Is it that direct!!?

[Kathryn313]

Bowel movement this morning, a small amount of blood on stool/wiping, was straining slightly as not been for a few days. Didn't freak out completely but it is still milling around my head. I also noted a headache this morning, just little stabbing pains on and off for about 2-3 mins when I was driving into work. I can sense I am becoming hyper-aware of body again not sure what is feeding it...maybe the lack of a thorough appointment with the GP when I was expecting a proper once over? I am trying to go for at least another week before contacting the Dr or booking any appointments. If i can get to the 24th then that might be the longest I have gone without seeing/speaking to a medical professional in the last 4 months. However anymore blood in stools and i think my resolve will dissipate.

---------- Post added at 21:50 ---------- Previous post was at 21:16 ----------

Getting changed and noticed little patch of raised skin on shoulder. Cant see how you would add a picture and hard to explain.

[Mercime]

Bowel movement this morning, a small amount of blood on stool/wiping, was straining slightly as not been for a few days. Didn't freak out completely but it is still milling around my head. I also noted a headache this morning, just little stabbing pains on and off for about 2-3 mins when I was driving into work. I can sense I am becoming hyper-aware of body again not sure what is feeding it...maybe the lack of a thorough appointment with the GP when I was expecting a proper once over? I am trying to go for at least another week before contacting the Dr or booking any appointments. If i can get to the 24th then that might be the longest I have gone without seeing/speaking to a medical professional in the last 4 months. However anymore blood in stools and i think my resolve will dissipate.

---------- Post added at 21:50 ---------- Previous post was at 21:16 ----------

Getting changed and noticed little patch of raised skin on shoulder. Cant see how you would add a picture and hard to explain.

Kathryn, it's obvious that you are struggling, but can I just point something out? You may not realise as you are hyper aware at present, so I think it's worthwhile to say it.
Your attempts to rationalise, making your own little personal action plan, are great. The fact that even though you feel awful, you are still pushing the boundary of your fear by extending the time between GP appts - excellent. You may not see this is doing you much good, but it is, honestly. Whether it's HA, other anxiety, obsessive behaviour, phobia - the common ground is that before we can feel better, we have to challenge our issues - and that's exactly what you're doing. Well done, I mean that wholeheartedly.

Re the blood - take it from someone who has some experience, what you describe isn't symptomatic of what you fear xx

[Kathryn313]

Thanks Mercime, I think I am getting there but I know I have a part of me which fully expects to be posting here in 6 months time going 'so it wasn't just anxiety afterall...'

but I am working from the premise that it is anxiety related and therefore I may as well address that side of things since no one is going to look at it any other way until I have had a period of relative stability.

Session 6 of CBT last Friday and I can see how far I have come. I am less terrified of something being very wrong and I only have a background noise of 'what if!'. This week is exposure therapy and I have yet to start it. I am not keen on making myself miserable for the next few days and evenings by watching/reading stories about people who have been diagnosed with terminal cancer but can appreciate why it is part of the therapy and that by watching these programmes I will not be giving myself cancer. I do fear that it will spark me off on a journey of getting reassurance that I am not ill.

I feel I still have some vague symptoms but my bowel habits appears back to normal when I ensure I drink about 2L of water a day and consume all-bran in the morning. They are no longer pale and float less often. No more straining and therefore no more blood. I do get the aches in my sides and a feeling like someone is pressing a thumb on my right kidney from time to time. My tongue is better, no flakes and red patch is more in keeping with rest of tongue now but still has a bit of a difference to it in terms of being smooth where the rest of it has those little pillpae things. Wheezing has pretty much gone when I adhere to inhaler twice a day. Weight loss has levelled out and food has stopped tasting crazy sweet.

I am however more aware of my swallowing and when I eat bread it feels almost too thick for my throat and kind of rests at the back of the roof of my mouth until I swallow it away again. I do wonder if this is what it normally feels like and previously I just never paid it much attention.

I am still tempted in my weaker moments to book either a bupa health assessment to get a second run of blood tests mainly so I get the print out of the results plus a good feel around my tummy area given the GP didn't do this last time.

I am also tempted by the private MRI scans as HA demons say 'it cant hurt and worth it for peace of mind' and the other area of concerns is that my chest XRAY was misread and occasionally I would like a second one of those.

However, so far I have not done any of those things and don't intend to give them much thought until the asthma check up on the 24th October. It is my goal to get through these next three weeks. I have a second massage appointment this coming Friday.

Self-Care has dropped away a little and think I need to be back to nightly meditations (the 15 min you tube ones are pretty good) and remembering to take the fish oil three times a day.

[Kathryn313]

Struggling a little with the swallowing thing. Every time I eat I am becoming aware of how it feels to swallow. 'Thick' food, bread, pasta ect feels like I need to do a double swallow to move it down plus a drink afterwards. When do you get to the point that you get something checked out rather than keep testing your anxiety tolerance?

[Kathryn313]

Another random thing - woke up this morning and noticed that my left eye was dimmer than my right eye. It was noticeable because it was a pretty dark morning and when I closed my right eye everything was a shade or two darker than when I closed my left eye. Once I stepped into the light they adjusted to the same vision. I was checking my phone before I got up and I think from a small amount of googling that is this is quite common. Not sure if I need to mention it to the GP or an opticians or just let it be.:shrug:

[Kathryn313]

Me again - so had a reread of my posts and it looks like my current focus, the swallowing and throat fullness started four days back, in my head I thought it had been a couple of weeks so it is good to look back and get the perspective. It is however a concerning sensation, especially as I link anything with my throat to my wheezing and then I have the unhelpful thought that there is something in my windpipe or oesophagus which is causing a constriction which is manifesting itself as a wheeze, and now as a blockage and eventually it will continue to grow so much that I cant eat or breath at all. Right now my belief in this viewpoint is about 80% and only 20% belief that it is a symptom of anxiety. I am really struggling to know how to deal with it. So have come here to write it down. (lucky you). It also felt like I had a marble stuck in my throat when I was driving home, kept trying to swallow it away but the only thing that helped was having a menthol sweet.

I had the eye dimness again this morning but could def relate it to looking at my phone. as my left eye was still on he pillow and my right eye was looking at the screen. So the exposure to that light was only going to one eye.

This morning I came s close to booking a bupa appointment, I had an email about some late availability and discounts. I was at the point of putting in my card details when the page froze and then I needed to go out so didn't do it.

On a positive, I had my second massage therapy appointment this morning and had an abdominal massage as part of the therapy. Again this helped sooth me as there was someone manipulating those muscles and would feel any oddities. I would recommend massage to anyone as a way of relaxing for an hour. Its very different than being in a spa and I think it is doing me good - obviously not curing me of my swallowing anxiety though.

[Kathryn313]

Tongue flake back. Noticed last night. Not checked it again. Planning to get through until tonight before a recheck when I brush my teeth before bed.

[Mercime]

A good plan, and planning is the way to go Kathryn. It might not seem like it, but you are taking control, and that will make dents in your anxiety.

[Carrie8484]

I've only just read this thread Kathryn. I have to say you sound very similar to me with your HA. I too am hyper aware, constantly checking, and have had lots of what I would call legitimate scares over the past few years resulting in numerous blood tests, scans and appointments.
As you know I am going through a tonsillectomy recovery (paid privately) due to right sided throat issues. I'm still recovering from the operation but I am also already considering booking a private CT scan on that area as I am still feeling the discomfort I felt before the operation. Like you I am constantly wanting answers. I get my histology results next week will be another daunting appointment but I just wanted you to know, you are not on your own. Keep writing down how you feel and document your progress , even if you take steps backwards at times which we all do.
I too had bowel issues a couple of years ago , with blood, pain, discomfort, very irregular movements, and after numerous tests they diagnosed ibs.
I still suffer with those symptoms but they are on the 'back burner' as they've been investigated and I know there's nothing more I can do.
It sounds like you have got a lot of bases covered with looking into your symptoms and the medical professionals are not worried. I know this does not stop us worrying though!

The big C is my biggest fear and I am fed up of hearing the latest statistics which only adds to the anxiety.

I'm sorry I haven't offered any advice here but i wanted you to know you are doing the right thing by both getting your symptoms looked at by professionals but also trying to manage your anxiety with other relaxation techniques.
X

[Kathryn313]

Thanks both. Nice to know that this post isn't too annoying for people.

I am having a difficult time of things at the moment. The swallowing issue is getting me down as I can't seem to eat properly and after I do I am (from today) now getting some reflux with what I think is food bits. That's how it feels in my throat anyway. I think I should discuss this with my GP and get it seen too a not sure if this is pure anxiety or something genuine.

The consideration I have at the moment is that my partner currently has a dad diagnosed with dementia, a mum who has recovered from breast cancer and is partially paralysed/left sided weakness from a stroke and now a childfree aunt who has just been diagnosed with MND, I can't help but think having a wife who is undergoing tests for swallowing could be a final straw.

[Carrie8484]

I can relate, I really can. I'm not sure how much more people can put up with with my health worries. I've even considered leaving my partner to move back closer to my family. I feel like a terrible girlfriend, constantly ill, depressed, having tests and now surgery. Who would want to put up with that.

Having said that, I'm sure your husband is there for you despite all the other trauma going on. You are a team, and you would be there for him if it were the other way round. Life is not all roses as we know!

Have you considered alternative medicine? I am looking into acupuncture at the moment. I also want to try massage again as you have mentioned. Everything costs so much money.

I want to turn back the clock. 2 years ago things were stable with my health , I was happy for the first time in years.
I hope you have a better day. Will you book your bupa appointment or do you have any further appointments coming up? X

[Kathryn313]

Hi

I think everything I am doing is alternative therapy. So yeah I pretty much consider most things that are self care and ad on to life. Just like you I wish I could go back to when I wasn't preoccupied by my health - although I saw a friend for lunch yesterday and we recalled just how many things I have been worried about over the last 5 years!

I was trying to discipline mysef to get to the 24th October before any extra medical views/advice but I did go to the dentist this morning as my tongue flake is back and he said to go back when it reappeared so he could look at it. He formally diagnosed geographical tongue and it is benign in its features so he isn't worried.

In terms of my current concerns, I have an achy neck, when I look round to the left (when checking both ways at traffic lights ect) it really hurts down the right hand side neck muscles. I can look round futher to the right but I can still feel a pull in those muscles. I think I had a one off episode of this a few weeks back but was before I was blogging on here. It came on about 3pm this afternoon whilst at work, my unhelpful thoughts are that it is due to throat issues (the C word again) and that it is somehow pressing on a nerve and causing the aches. My belief in this is about 60% but it is giving an anxiety level of about a 7 out of 10. The alternative explanation is that it is muscular from sitting wrongly at my desk, or getting a draft on my neck. My response is to keep testing the ache by moving my head from side to side and writing it down on here in a CBT style format. My HA wants the reposnse to be to book a private head and neck MRI and just make sure there is nothing underlying.

Just be really sure if you get a CT scan privately of what you are getting, CT involved radiation (full body is approximately the same as exposing yourself to 5 years of background radiation - apologies for any triggering), they really should be done at the request of a medical professional who can weigh up this risk against actual need. they also show up many beign tiny nodules and you have to be in the right head space to deal with that, they should be read in conjunction with other medical findings in order to interpret them well. I am not advocating going private for extra test but if you do then an MRI is the safer option but again will show up things that aren't an issue...which is why I am putting off getting a private one despite being very tempted by the devil on my shoulder.

My swallowing issues are still there but a bit less obvious, still doing a double swallow when eating some food and still some acid reflux.

I haven't booked the bupa test, since I know deep down it wouldnt help me calm my fears. When I am a bit more stable I might go back as I do like to do them every couple of years just so I have my own results in my hands and not hidden away at the doctors.

[Kathryn313]

Neck muscle still achy when looking left but is easing up. Less belief that it is something terrible today.

[Primula]

Great thread Kathryn, thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts, it takes guts to do that. Very interesting to read about your journey with HA, CBT and all the self help you are doing. I'm sure you will do just fine, it's not a straight line to recovery as you know, but you have great insight into your condition and this will stand you in good stead. You are showing HA that you are in charge.

[pulisa]

I echo all that Primula has pointed out. This thread is so informative and helpful to others and you are doing so well to document your symptoms and mental responses to these symptoms, Kathryn. HA is such a mental battle but you are certainly winning.

[Kathryn313]

Thanks. I just hope the thread has a happy ending! Am looking to the day when I log on here after a years break saying I beat it! I worry that I will get a nasty diagnosis (throat is very dry now) and the whole thread becomes one big trigger. I would probably have to delete it and then it would be like I never existed here.

Self care actions today - none.
I need to pick them back up.

[emnemz]

very interesting your thread Kathryn. My HA is at an all time high due to chest issues. i too am asthmatic but im thinking maybe a meds review may be in order with my wheeze and coughing at the moment... i figure if i had the big C i would have more symptoms a year later and it wouldnt feel better to then flare up again.. when i really think back this is how long its been playing on my mind.
Back at the doctors Friday, so see what they say. I have put off my asthma review due to the fact that im panicking that i will have a panic attack about the peak flow (always low, always freaks me out) but with my anxiety at a high, i feel it could make me worse.
You sound like you are gaining some good control. Sorry to moan about me on your post lol, i just felt as though i could relate with the chest issues!

[Kathryn313]

Moan away...that's what the forum is for. What bothers me is that my peak flow is always normal. I can't find any evidence that I have asthma other than the noise I make in the inhale if I stop taking steroid inhaler. But it's been nearly three years so whatever I do have must be benign!

[emnemz]

what is your peak flow normally?xx

[Kathryn313]

I don't a actually recall it's around the top end of that thing

[Kathryn313]

Sometimes you do just wonder when things might start looking up. I know how to find the good in things but with three older relatives (70+) all with some ongoing care needs life is trickier by the day. I obviously have my own mental health concerns but now my wife who has been holding it all together has got to the stage where she recognises she cant cope anymore either. Why does it have to get so difficult all at once? We will come through it and need to make sure that we are both getting the help required, I really miss my late 20's when everything seemed to be good and any HA i had i could let go off pretty easily.

My friends are now scattered across the country and it is hard to fit into theirs lives or them into mine, these last few days I have come to see how lonely I am becoming after what was a very active social life. Everyone now has kids or is settling down and I feel a bit left behind. Don't get me wrong I don't need anyone to get the violins out but I am wondering if it does indeed get better or does it just trickier from here on in.

[Carrie8484]

Kathryn, I feel similar.
All my friends are scattered and I moved to a new city to live with my boyfriend last year. Due to my health issues and anxiety, I haven't really met anybody here.
I was told your 30's are when life starts to get easier - I'm still waiting!
I think sometimes we have to push ourselves and out of our comfort zones in order to make changes for the better. Easy for me to say, I rarely go out! But I do want to make changes.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife, I hope she gets the support she needs professionally if necessary and I can tell you will be there for her despite all your own problems. Like I said, a couple are a team, a unit, and you can and will work through things together.

Give yourself a break this weekend? Tell anxiety to sit on the back burner for a few hours and do something you enjoy - a nice coffee shop or going for a walk, a little cafe or something. Having health anxiety is a full time job and we need a break from it sometimes X

[Kathryn313]

Thanks carrie. All of us are going through something! I am so grateful for this group. I have taken a couple of hours out to have a cup of tea and some lunch. Meeting at 3pm to discuss ongoing care needs and prognosis for our aunt but after that I might take myself off for a walk. My other half is a chef so working a vast amount if hours doesn't help but she is looking to reduce her hours. Work have been very supportive to both of us which does help.

Today I have bought her a stress yoda! Seems just a trival gift but am hoping it will create a smile.

Symptom wise I have been pretty good, tongue flake vanished again now. A small amount of wheezing but forgot to take inhaler this morning.

I am considering going back to slimming world which could work as one of my exposures, although also found a therapy group for comfort eaters, 6 week course looking at reasons behind it and mindfulness. Not sure if I fancy disclosing all this in a group setting though.

My throat still feels a bit thick when eating and definately suffering from more acid reflux but my eating has been erratic so that won't be helping.

Onwards and upwards!

[Kathryn313]

6.30pm - Tonight's random symptom - excess saliva, feel like i want to put kitchen roll in my mouth and soak it up (obviously not something i will be doing!!, just a tad frustrating).

10.23pm - also noting that head/neck feels really tight again. I think this might be an area to work on at my next massage appointment.

I know i will feel better in the morning so I am going to write it down here, then let the thoughts go.

[Kathryn313]

I did feel much better yesterday morning. I have got back into some bad eating habits a reflux is more evident after chocolate and cheese.

I had dropped 2lb in the scales and I felt my stomach do the same flip of anxiety when I saw the numbers but I know it's not significant and to let it be.

Yesterday evening I had that type of reflux that come up in your throat and causing you to gag a little, you keep feeling the acid burn once it has dissipated so that was unpleasant but I did go out for tea with family and realised after the meal I hadn't noticed any struggle with swallowing. Saliva thing seems to have been a bit of a one off.

I did wake around 4am with a achy, burning sensation under my ribs on the left hand side - where stomach is. I told myself that it was just a stress reaction and didn't panic.

I am going to mention all this to the nurse next Monday as don't think it should be ignored but working in not catasphrophising it until then.

[Kathryn313]

Less reflux yesterday. Took a rennie before bed.

My throat feels very mucusy at the moment. Noticed it over the last day or two and also I seem to have a bit of wheezing breaking through. I also make those strange throat or breathing clicks where you sound like a creaky door is being opened far away.


Looking back on first NMP post, I can see I joined on the 20th August, a few weeks after I had my chest X-ray and everything spiralled from there. That means that it has only been 12 weeks since I felt at my lowest. Am proud of how far I have come in that time. Still not perfect and I still contemplate private tests most days but think I am doing well. And more importantly I don't appear to have died.

[Primula]

Less reflux yesterday. Took a rennie before bed.

My throat feels very mucusy at the moment. Noticed it over the last day or two and also I seem to have a bit of wheezing breaking through. I also make those strange throat or breathing clicks where you sound like a creaky door is being opened far away.


Looking back on first NMP post, I can see I joined on the 20th August, a few weeks after I had my chest X-ray and everything spiralled from there. That means that it has only been 12 weeks since I felt at my lowest. Am proud of how far I have come in that time. Still not perfect and I still contemplate private tests most days but think I am doing well. And more importantly I don't appear to have died.

Good post Kathryn, I like the line 'more importantly I don't appear to have died.' I keep telling myself this, I've been struggling with this latest worry for 4 months, and sense dictates that I would be feeling worse, and when I'm rational I can believe it, but then my anxious mind takes over. I've been reading about how people with HA appear to have an amplifying style with their symptoms. Whereas people without HA don't pay much attention to symptoms, those of us with HA notice the symptom and magnify it, not deliberately but that's the way our brain is wired. I know that mindfulness and CBT helps with that, must get back on to it. Keep updating. :)

[Kathryn313]

Found myself googling again this evening, it was triggered by reading an article in the news and went from there to googling whether i should have an annual MRI scan as part of preventative medicine! I stopped after 10 mins.

[Carrie8484]

Found myself googling again this evening, it was triggered by reading an article in the news and went from there to googling whether i should have an annual MRI scan as part of preventative medicine! I stopped after 10 mins.

That happens to me. I google, then search, and I always manage to find an article or thread about someone my age and gender who has the type of disease I am worrying about, and I scare myself silly. Happened today. I woke up petrified and wanting to book a scan without delay.
As the day went on the anxiety was still there, as are the symptoms, but things calmed down a little.
All I can say to myself and you and people like us is try not to use the G word....

[Kathryn313]

That happens to me. I google, then search, and I always manage to find an article or thread about someone my age and gender who has the type of disease I am worrying about, and I scare myself silly. Happened today. I woke up petrified and wanting to book a scan without delay.
As the day went on the anxiety was still there, as are the symptoms, but things calmed down a little.
All I can say to myself and you and people like us is try not to use the G word....

Yeah, I think my last google was my random grey knuckle thing a few days/weeks back so there is a healthy gap between indulgences but is such a strange thing to put ourselves through.

---------- Post added at 21:30 ---------- Previous post was at 19:42 ----------

9.30 - grrr wheezing!

---------- Post added at 22:18 ---------- Previous post was at 21:30 ----------

22.18 reliever inhaler and some Vicks has sorted it out

[Kathryn313]

My inhaler appears to becoming less effective. I was wheezing a little around 5pm this evening which has been pretty much unheard of since I got my new inhaler. Am trying to figure out whether it is rational to request a referral to a specialist if the wheezing doesn't stay away. Hard to know if it's your body finding a way to justify some reassurance or it's genuine.

I just don't know whether to emphasise my reflux or my wheezing and if I was to be referred on which specialist would be best.

I was prescribed omoprozole by the private GP way back in July but didn't take it as was unconvinced. I now only want to take medication prescribed by my NHS GP, so maybe she will put me on it but then 'what if' it masks other causes...the HA merry go round is back!

---------- Post added at 18:56 ---------- Previous post was at 18:55 ----------

Ps - not looking for reassurance from the forum. Please feel free not to give it. :)

[Kathryn313]

Ok, so just had my partner ask 'what's that?' In quite a startled voice as a bruise mark appeared on my back but then disappear fairly quickly after wiping it off/gone down now. The assumption was I just got some random muck on me but partner doesn't seem convinced it was muck. Obviously my heart is racing now thinking it's some sort of haematological issue related to my breathing/wheezing issues. She took a picture of it but because of the shadow from the camera you can't really see it. Seems to be a bruise streak just right of my spine below my shoulder.

It would of course be quite a random symptom if it was a genuine thing. I am refusing to google but am wondering whether I should be getting checked out sooner than Monday? Or even what I would say...

Am I bit scared as not like my other half to react that way, especially as she knows not to trigger my HA. Reassurance is now permitted!!

[Kathryn313]

Repeat after me: 'spiralling'....

I can feel my HA has just hit a point it hadn't been at for quite some time.
My body is a bit jittery this morning and despite my resolve not to google I did just that when I woke up.

However I couldn't find anything regarding 'flash bruising' which is what I am calling last nights mark. However am aware I sound a bit like a different poster on here 'I had a mark on my mark on back, it wiped off but scared it is cancer?' - to which the response would be, it was dirt. If it wasn't for the conviction of my other half that it was a bruise I don't think I would worry as much.

It also doesn't help that it's occurred at the same time my asthma is getting worse and last night my breathing meant I was a loud sleeper.

Am a bit fed up with it all to be honest. I do wonder if I had stuck with the escitopram then maybe by now I would be whistling my way though life.

---------- Post added at 08:51 ---------- Previous post was at 07:58 ----------

I have calmed down a little, writing it down is part of the CBT in practice. I have also done some exposure therapy which although counter intuitive has make me think more rationally about things. I have me next CBT appt in the 27th, followed by a massage appointment in the 28th. Both of which come after the nurse appointment on Monday.

I am considering going back to Slimming World as I need to get to a healthy weight to lower my risk of the thing I fear.

[Kathryn313]

Really acidic throat this evening, when I cough or burp I also have a low level wheeze. Really annoying.

On a plus I am really pleased that haven't been the GP between the 19th of sept and this coming Monday.

---------- Post added at 20:42 ---------- Previous post was at 19:28 ----------

Gaviscon has controlled acid, took four chewable ones. The drop in temperature is probably the reason for the wheeze. It is on the exhale so I can relate it easier to asthma. However there is definitely still a inhale noise too.

[Kathryn313]

Nurse appointment this morning, tested urine and that was clear so that's good. She repeated the CRP and Creatine and will find out the results in a couple of days.

Nurse heard the inhale wheeze and still seemed happy it was asthma so I am going with it. I generally feel well in myself so no reason to suspect anything sinister based on medical evidence so I will up inhalers as directed and go from there. Follow up call in 6 weeks.

It didn't feel the right place to have conversation about my acid reflux issues. My swallowing has much improved. I plan to call for blood results in a couple of days and will look to make a Dr appointment to discuss it then. I will also discuss the couple of times when there has been a small amount of bright red blood on my stool (once a few weeks ago and once a day or two back). The colour all seems normal again and now I am drinking more water and having all bran most mornings the constipation has subsided.

I still get my doubtful moments and these might become more pressing once I start slimming world and hopefully begin to lose some weight.

It is also now more likely that I will book a bupa assement in the coming weeks as part of my normal health monitoring as I can use that as an end point for all this HA malarkey. Really hope I am coming through the other side of it.

Self Care Actions:
Massage on Friday
CBT on Thursday
Fish Oils
Increased Fibre
Increased Water

[Kathryn313]

Had really poor eating day, woke up with dull ache on right hand side of bowel area. Prob just indigestion.

---------- Post added at 00:21 ---------- Previous post was at 00:08 ----------

I do however feel a bit panicky about it.

---------- Post added at 01:11 ---------- Previous post was at 00:21 ----------

And it's not helping that my throat feels like i might be starting with a cold! However I put some youtube 15 min relaxation music one which really helped but can't seem to drift back to sleep properly.

[Kathryn313]

So had a full blown emotional crying fit this evening, hearty sobs and everything! Father in law was admitted to hospital on Sunday, following us visiting and noticing how unwell he looked. We are now staying at mother in laws to help look after things whilst he is in. My wife is still suffering from panic attacks through the night due to all the stress around us and these two weeks that she has off work to recover and look into options to help with our caring responsibilities has now been taken up with actual caring. Our aunt moved into nursing home today but we didn't get to see her settle in as was an emotional afternoon for my wife as the ward FIL transferred from didn't fully inform the ward he has been transferred to, so trying to get things back on plan. Plus his early dementia means he can't easily relay things.

Am calm again now but had leaky eye syndrome for a good few hours. So hard to know which way to turn. Now I feel guilty because I wanted to help my wife cope as opposed to being someone else to look after, and I know she will feel guilty that I am so emotional and she can't help. It's a never ending circle!! I suspect my HA will find a way of expressing itself in terms of physical symptoms through the night. Watch this space.

We are looking into support from age Uk and carers UK, it just all takes time to sort out and we never seem to have any.

[Kathryn313]

Fleshy marble type sensation in my throat. Feels like it is the base of my tongue. Can't swallow it away.

Occasional ache in left hip. New.

---------- Post added at 17:24 ---------- Previous post was at 16:39 ----------

Seems to have gone away after a burp. Now have an acid and mucusy throat. I don't really think there is much wrong but keep entertaining the thoughts that it could be an early tumour in my oesphagus. I don't know if I should push for an Endo? Tricky stuff.

[EKB]

I just wanted to thank you for your kind words on my post. I have been reading yours as well and it is helpful to know that anxiety seems to throw one symptom after another at you before it is done. Best to you and your wife.

[Kathryn313]

Full of cold today! Horrid but at least a real illness :)

Had CBT S7 today, something called EMDR was included. I will post more about it when I am feeling better but am intrigued to see if it helps!x

[Kathryn313]

Ok, so I am thinking that I am going to ask for a referral to a specialist. Been thinking logically about this feeling in my throat, had a sandwich for lunch and can definitely feel pieces of it still in my throat. Am needing to try and drink to swallow it away. I get could be anxiety related but I am at the point now that I need someone to have a look down there and confirm it before I move on with my therapy. Am phoning for a GP appointment in the morning and hopefully get seen this coming week.

[EKB]

Good idea. It really could be anxiety - and could be exacerbated if you are test swallowing frequently (I've been there!). But getting your GP to have a look cannot hurt. If it's something they'll fix it, if it's anxiety then you'll have that confirmation. Good luck!

[Kathryn313]

Spoke to dr today, didn't ask about my blood results but she said she could see me this afternoon (I was at work so not possible) or weds at 9am.

So appt on weds it is...they seemed quite keen to see me as soon as possible ... Hope my bloods haven't come back at alarming levels...

[Wilburis]

Good luck for Wednesday :hugs:

[Kathryn313]

Thanks. Am feeling really sicky and stomach churning. Don't think it's a symptom of anything nasty but rather a reaction to eating too much rubbish today and becoming slightly preoccupied with my health again. Anxiety levels are naturally high, not used to feeling physically sick with it. Not helping that my skin seem to be reacting to any little bite or scratch with a histamine type response. Very annoying.

My rational brain is still engaged and although my threat brain asks the what if question, I can still fight back. I doubt my bloods were off as am sure she would have said sonething along the lines of 'and looking at the results of your latest bloods...'. No need for her to hide them from me. I did like that this dr (it's a different one at the same practice) said that we should at least get you an outpatient appointment and have a look.

I think I have just fallen into a classic HA trap, whereby I ask for the test/appointment and when they grant it, I use that to reinforce the belief that I must need it if the dr agrees with me!! Tomorrow will be spent decorating the new house, so plenty of distraction. I am not going to die between now and Wednesday so I need to let today be enough for today and get the most out of tomorrow.

[Wilburis]

Hello

Maybe your bloods were OK and the GP wants to go through them with you to ease your mind?

I note you had the CRP redone. May I ask why? Its just that mine has been coming back raised at 20, and now 16 and my GP is not at all concerned. It said no further action. I only knew the result as I asked.

Health anxiety is awful - I jump from one scare to another.

My GP doesnt send me for tests for anything. I dont know what is worse....

take care and I hope you have a good day xx

:hugs:

[EKB]

Enjoy decorating :)

[Kathryn313]

The decorating was a challenge for two people who are both less emotionally resilient than usual! Hung three pieces of wall paper but am not convinced they will still be up when we go back.

Anxiety in general was less yesterday, feeling in throat wasn't very noticeable. I have had a bowel movement will a bit of fresh blood on it. Something to mention this morning as although have be told probably piles I haven't had that confirmed. This makes four occasions in the last 8 weeks.

Wheezing definately a lot better. So that's a positive.

[Carrie8484]

Good luck at the Doctor's this morning x

[Kathryn313]

So my blood tests came back with no concerns, they didn't say what levels though. Different GP, looked at my mouth. She didn't see anything of concern but seemed to appreciate health anxiety was a balancing act and she didnt want to send me for lots of tests but given this hasn't resolved she was going to send me for an ENT OP. This is what I have wanted for a while as I can check about my inhalation wheezing too!

Forgot to mention bowel bleed!

[EKB]

Sounds like a productive appointment! :) Write down everything you want to ask the ENT so you get everything you need out of the appointment.

I hope you feel good about things... that makes such a huge difference when you feel like you're being heard, and getting what you need.

[Kathryn313]

It was a good appointment. I am a bit concerned that it may be a sign that my CBT isn't working as I am seeking an appointment for reassurance and what if I have this appointment, am assured for a short time but then need more!? CBTist says I do too much what if thinking and no one can know what they will feel/do after one event.

The house move stuff is ramping up now, today I am trying to finish some bits and pieces but woke up with dodgey bowels and heading to the loo every 20mins. This is a new thing for me, it's usually the other way round. Am thinking probably relates to takeaway last night from new place....of course HA says = Bowel cancer!! And shouts why didn't you get that bit if blood checked out...

[EKB]

That was me and carrot soup last week. I was in tears! I hope you start to feel better once the takeout stops causing its problems. :hug:

Not seeking reassurance is hard. But I think if you have a valid medical worry, it can't be conflated with seeking reassurance. But if the ENT doesn't find anything serious, I think that's when you need to get into that self analysis. I found a good Australian HA workbook online that's helped me a bit - I'll try and find it today and share a link in case it may be helpful to others.

---------- Post added at 13:23 ---------- Previous post was at 11:23 ----------

Here it is: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53

There are a whole bunch of modules and I have kind of been picking through them and picking up the bits that I can see myself doing. It's been helpful.

It's difficult where I am to get CBT on the public system, or even through benefits at work, so I am doing a lot of self-help.

[Kathryn313]

Woke up with urgent need for the loo. Bowels playing up again. I now have a churning stomach type feeling but it feels like when you are really hungry, which doesn't seem a natural coupling of symptoms. Am sure it will settle, only lasted an hour or so the other morning.

I also keep getting a pulsing/twitching in right eye but aware that is just because I am tired.

[Carrie8484]

How are you getting on Kathryn? Hope the last few days have been OK X

[Kathryn313]

For the first time in a few days I can feel a bit of irritation on the right hand side with swallowing.

All in all pretty good though, been moving house so been nicely distracted.

How are you?

[EKB]

I was wondering how you're doing! All the best with the move!

[Kathryn313]

So, session 8 of CBT in an hour...I almost feel like I am coming to the end of things, I didn't manage to do my home work, which was the 'think of the worse case scenario' for 30 mins a day, it wasn't avoidance, just run out of time.

I am more accepting of the steroid inhaler since it seems to be doing it's job.

I am now annoyed at putting all my anxiety weight loss back on and seem to be comfort eating a whole lot more, which I know isn't good for me. I could go back to slimming world this evening and just test myself when it comes to losing weight and see how panicked I get.

I have stopped thinking about self care and why I need it, I know that I need to put that back on the table but the fact I have forgotten to talk fish oils, coconut oil, go for walk or put on meditation indicates to me that I am not as aware of feeling unwell. I am not trying to cure myself. I even managed a night out with a few drinks and didn't freak out about the damage being done to my liver. I think doing Stoptober really helped there.

I will always have HA but for the first time since July it isn't a constant nag... Of course until I freak out over something and my next post contradicts this positive message :)

[Kathryn313]

Back on the inhaler more regularly and within a day or so I get that claggy throat feeling, sense of gravel at the back of my throat and the little lump feeling where I want to reach and take it out. I can relate it to benign things so bit panicking, it's just annoying now!

My ENT appointment is on a 9 week waiting list so will be the new year before that takes place.

I have just started to get the finger aches and the elbow ones, prob the change in weather.

[Kathryn313]

Back to slimming world this morning. Let the weight loss freak outs begin!

[Carrie8484]

Go you! Lots of luck. I'm eating a lot more now it's colder and worried about piling on the pounds, best get exercising :-/

[Kathryn313]

Just for the sake of documenting.

Situation: lying on the sofa listening to radio. I can feel a raised patch on the roof of my mouth. Tongue keeps running over it as it is quite sore.
Unhelpful thought: oral cancer, it's spreading from my throat and I will die or have to have horrid surgery.
Anxiety level: 5 out 10
Belief in this thought: less than 5%
Alternative explanation for sore patch: burnt mouth on hot cup of soup on Thursday, could be this or just one of those things or scratched it after some crisps.
Belief in this thought: 95%
Behaviours: trying to stop checking (ie running tongue over it) and written out thought diary.

Would have been a time that those % were reversed.x

[Kathryn313]

Just opened some redirected mail (from old house to new) and my ENT appt letter is in there and the appointment is on Monday at 9.45. This means it's too short notice for my other half to change shifts round, I also didn't tell get I was being referred. It was all so very tense that I didn't want to through another worry into the mix but that has just caused an anxiety for today instead.

She will be stressed about not being able to come and annoyed I didn't tell her. I was hoping it would come in the few year and things would have settled a bit. I would cancel it but it says if you cancel with less than 24hrs notice you have to go back to your GP so guess I am keeping the appointment and fessing up to the wife!!!

[Kathryn313]

So, had naso endoscopy and as expected (by the medical professionals) it was all clear. Very short appointment and no real time to discuss concerns but the main thing is that there are no lumps or bumps in my throat.

[Carrie8484]

Glad to hear this. Yes the appointments are very short aren't they!
Hopefully this will help you out this concern aside as the scope certainly helped with my throat worries x

[EKB]

Good news! I know it's hard to shake the "there is something wrong with me" voice, but I hope you feel a bit better after this. :hugs:

[Kathryn313]

I am doing much better all in all, I need to book my final CBT appointment to complete my therapy.

I am however lying here feeling a really dull ache in what feels to be the lower right hand side of my lung and the back and it has caused me a noticeable panicky sensation about misdiagnosed lung disease, of course it is probably because it is cold and I am lying on the sofa in an uncomfortable position.

[Kathryn313]

Not sure why but I feel a bit out of sorts today, mentally rather than psychically, not helped by feeling a little clear bump on the inside of my mouth. I have had these before, usually in the inside of my lip but for some reason I began checking the inside of my mouth, not really done any checking of anything for a few weeks, and shining a light in my mouth I saw that I have some yellowing patches towards the back. It's kind of where my tonsils would be (if I had them).

I think this is perfectly normal and not worrisome, as the ENT doctor would have seen this last week. My HA daemon says that I should have asked more questions but thats a typical reaction for people like us!! I think I need a meditation tonight.

[pulisa]

Logically you know that the ENT doctor WOULD have spotted any dodgy lesions and that you are just having HA ruminations which can rapidly take a hold as you know all too well...

[Kathryn313]

Improving day by day. :)

[Kathryn313]

Tongue flake back and quite sore, also frustratingly my wheezing has returned following a cold. I know the reasons and am quite a bit more rational but want to keep a record in here to show the types of symptoms I am dealing with and how hard it is to keep yourself in check

[Kathryn313]

Bad afternoon as wheezing has returned and I worry about misdiagnosis. Reread asthma plan and tried to bring it back into my control.

[Kathryn313]

Grrr! It's all so annoying. So easy to stay calm when there are no symptoms to trigger your thinking. My asthma has been really bad these last couple of days. Wheezing in inhale and coughing. My inhalers do seem to be providing symptom relief, alongside taking an anti histamine but it gets really bad before it gets better. I can't shake the feeling that I have been misdiagnosed with asthma when it is really a throat issue (even though the Endo was clear), I wonder if it's further down the windpipe and that the camera couldn't see anything.

Am not thinking it is sinister as not lost any weight despite trying too!

I am going to book an appointment with the asthma nurse because I know you should report any worsening if symptoms and check inhaler regime, also considering private respiratory appointment but don't know whether I will believe their view so am wondering if I need to just slow down my thinking and look at making sure I am undertaking my coping mechanisms.

So frustrating!

[pulisa]

Concentrate on the asthma management with the asthma nurse and go from there if necessary? No need for any private assessments-save your money. The endo was clear-don't let your mind wander onto further sinister possibilities "further down"-this is your HA talking.

[Kathryn313]

Thanks Pulisa. Appreciate the rational voice!

Hope you are holding up ok.x

[pulisa]

I think I am, Kathryn! Christmas was a real struggle though-glad to be out of it now.

It's easy for me to dish out advice but I know you are aware of what is happening when the HA "voice" starts getting a grip and it's best to shoot it down before it has a chance to make its mark-as you know xx

[MyNameIsTerry]

Kathryn, I haven't read this thread but just noticed the asthma bit at the end. I agree with pulisa, don't put money into asthma checks because they are free and easily accessible at your GP surgery. They can be quick and often not very good (the check up can be very basic) but you can milk them for information and what a nurse can't answer, they go and ask a GP while you wait or call you back.

I have asthma and I can tell you that it has been a right pain in the bum trying to separate it from my anxiety symptoms. I don't have HA elements to my anxiety so I don't have the doubts about bigger health issues but symptoms are still a worry.

I find muscular tension can be a problem. So can posture. These impact on breathing so you can easily find yourself worrying about asthma. The same with issues like needing to take deep breaths.

So, understanding which is which and how your anxiety (and behaviours) may impact on it is worth knowing because when your breathing gets worse, panic sets in as I bet you have found.

Please don't worry about asthma though. I see people worry about it on here but it's so common and well managed these days. People run marathons with it these days. It can be well controlled. And get your free flu jabs each year as chest infections are common for us and need antibiotics or even steroids sometimes. I've had many of those over the last 30 or so years with my asthma.

Breathing techniques may help too as you want to keep your breathing as relaxed as possible, a big problem for anxiety sufferers.

Some inhalers can give you the jitters too. Salamol Relievers, for instance. This tends to go after some weeks of use but it can be scary when your anxiety is bad since it mimics some anxiety symptoms. They can change inhalers to get around things like that.

Exercise is very good for asthma. Obviously, get the asthma controlled first and follow the advice of the asthma nurse but Asthma UK promote exercise as a good way to improve asthma. It helps to increase your lung capacity.

[Kathryn313]

Thanks Terry. I know everyone is right, it's no coincidence that this has triggered again because I was feeling better, so took less of my preventative inhaler, also gained a few pounds and the weather has taken a turn for the colder. It all stacks up when you look at it objectively. Am following my asthma plan and have upped my preventative inhaler which seems to be doing the trick.

It is so formulaic when you read anxiety posts, we all go through the same steps, yet with HA everyone of us things we are the one that has been really misdiagnosed!! I get hung up on the inhale wheeze because I once read something somewhere and it circles rounds that threat brain just waiting for it's chance to be heard!!

[Kathryn313]

Am a bit cross at myself. I checked my stools for the first time in ages and saw a small amount blood on them. My CBT thinking would be:

Situation: Going to loo
Thought: I haven't checked for ages I wonder if things are ok.
Unhelpful thought: I might still be bleeding and the doctor hasn't examine me, just said was probably piles, what if it isn't? What if it is coming from a polyp? What if I did a FOB test, this would def show? Does that mean I should have a colonoscopy? What if it's cancer?
Anxiety level: 7 out of 10
Belief in these thought: 40%
Alternative reason for symptoms: IBS, Piles, more unhealthy diet over the Christmas period and a bit more alcohol.
Belief in the alternative:60%
Behaviours: came and wrote it down, breathed through it.
Anxiety level now: 4 out of 10

Going to drink more water and have more fibre today.

[Kathryn313]

More noticeable blood this afternoon. Have posted a thread to help with my processing of the liklihood that this is perfectly innocent.

GP was closed today for training, so I am going to call tomorrow.

I didn't get in touch earlier as wanted to see if it continued after that episode on the 1st Jan before getting in touch with them. I think this shows I have more of a handle on things.x

[Kathryn313]

And just to top things of ear ache today, with some painful swallowing. What I have to tell myself that everybody gets little infections and lurgies all the time. Not everything is related and not everything is terrible.

[pulisa]

Absolutely! You are giving yourself all the right self- talk, Kathryn x

[swgrl09]

Just poked in to have a look at this thread, and I have to commend you for really doing the CBT work. It is moments like those that help us overcome this HA where we force ourselves to write it out like you did.

[pulisa]

I'm really impressed too because it's obvious how badly you want to overcome your HA and what a good job you are doing! You are not falling into any of the reassurance-seeking traps and are managing all those nagging HA thoughts with firmness and logic. I appreciate how hard and tiring it is to keep yourself focussed and diverted from worst case scenario "syndrome" x

[Kathryn313]

Hi All

Saw the nurse today, she went through a few questions and then asked me if i wanted to be referred for a test. That caught me of guard a bit, as wasn't sure what my answer was! I said would like it properly checked out. She looked at the two week referral information but i am too young for that (which i pretty said to her would be the case) and have been referred as a routine. I think this will give me more time to see when the blood makes a reappearance.

I am so glad i have this site to write down my thoughts.

[Kathryn313]

Achy little sensation around the bottom of my ribs on the right hand side.

Alternative explanations - lying in wrong position, hyper awareness due to being on no panic site, hyper awareness due to referral.

Anxiety level - 4/10.
belief is something sinister - 10%

[Elen]

Kathryn

I love how this thread shows how you are challenge your thinking.

I know at this stage it must be a lot of hard work for you but I am sure that with practice it will become second nature.

[Kathryn313]

Appointment to see bowel consultant has come through for Tuesday. Letter arrived on Friday and is too short notice to get time off work...have had a difficult couple of days with headaches and nausea...I will try and get it rearranged for the next few weeks.

[Kathryn313]

Right eye vision problems are annoying me, started a week or so ago...feels like I have something in it. Optician can't see anything worrisome.

Bowel appt rearranged for Tuesday 28th, haven't had any more blood episodes. Stools are a bit paler/yellowy. Have avoided checking daily and limited to no more than a couple of times a week. Nagging pain on the right hand side, where my waist is.

Booked a CBT top up appt for the 3rd March.

[Kathryn313]

Struggling today, I am beginning to become a little overwhlemed by life. I feel like I am constantly trying to catch myself back up again.

I have a little pulse in my back on right hand side, my brain instantly thinks it is a symptom of some sort of cancer slowing growing somewhere in my body. I can feel that fearful sensation building in up in me, whereby i want tests 'just in case'. A revisit of my blood work or a private all body scan. I know that either of these will not help and are not necessary but the 'what if' monster is definitely back.

Having this eye problem is obviously feeding some it.
I keep craving really sweet foods, and yet i am not putting on any weight so i am thinking the worse there, rather than noticing that although i have eaten some rubbish i have also often much more fruit and veg this week.

It's so tiring.

[Kathryn313]

I need to find a way to slow down again...my head feel busy again and i know where that path leads!!

Bowel consultant appointment next Tuesday, i had one more bowel movement which had some fresh looking blood on it. I could relate it to anything specific. i have noted the dates down to give to the GP. It has been 7 months since the first noticeable bit..cant believe it has been that long back. How can time pass slowly and quickly all at the same time!!?

I am anxious about my health still but it is more manageable in general.

[Kathryn313]

Am in a very strange place with my HA, it is there in the background more than it has been for a while. I can feel more need for reassurance and talking about my health ramping up a little bit.

There have been a collection of reassurance seeking behaviors happening at the moment:

Bowel Blood - Had my consultation, he confirmed that there are some hemorrhoids that are in a condition which would mean they bleed after period of constipation, or a more difficult stool passing. He couldn't see any blood further past them.

He does want to request a full colonoscopy due to my family history but more for checking. Am going to talk to my CBT-ist on Friday, as I could refuse the test if I so wished. I do feel assured with the hemorrhoid confirmation. My only concern is that if I don't have the full scope now it has been offered, when I am two months or so into slimmingworld and losing weight my mind will go to a darker place if I see blood again.

Weight Loss: rejoined Slimmingworld and doing it properly, I haven't gained any weight since Christmas despite not eating all that well, so that bothers me, also since eating well i have lost 5lb in 5 days and that then bothers me, even though I know a non HA would just be going 'yipee',its working!!

Tongue Flake/Smooth patch - I work in a hospital and today I met a speech and language therapist who had just finished an education session in a school, she had a little fake mouth with her (dont ask!!), that she used for showing what mouth lesions look like. One was very similar (but granted not exactly) like mine. When i mentioned i had geographical tongue diagnosed by my dentist and i had HA around it..she asked out of professional curiosity could she see it, then asked lots of question about who checked it out and how it feels. This made me feel about anxious obviously. I have now been in touch with the Head and Neck specialist nurse at work (who i know though project we have worked on), fessed up about my HA and she has said to pop to see her tomorrow afternoon and she will have a nosey. I know that anything odd would have been spotted at my ENT appt late last year, at the time of that appointment my flake/patch was going though a normal looking period. The fact that there are normal periods means it is very unlikely to be something sinister but am drawn there all over again.

Right eye ache/vision - not sure if i have picked up on that here, my right feels a little foggy and dry. my vision isnt as sharpe in that eye as it was. I went to the optician a few weeks back and they changed my prescription and this is likely to just a be a consequence of that, went back to the optician tonight and they said to give it another week or two and if it doesn't get easier they will retest and make sure i do have the right prescription

So here I am, spending time on the forum, for support and an avenue for releasing the tension....and breathe....(thankfully my wheezing is being well controlled with my inhaler, so breathing isnt a trigger!)

[Emily101115]

Hi Kathryn I can really relate to you with the weight loss,I am going through the same at the moment.I joined slimming world in November 2016 weighing 13st,I didn't follow it prolly as I should have as it was coming up to Christmas however I did start to make the small changes-using fry light,muller lights,stopped takeaways managed to get down to 12st 6lb.I did catch a sickness bug too So weather that helped I don't know.

My weight has been up and down these past few weeks raging from 12st 8lb and down to my now lowest at 12st 4lb which has absolutely terrified me.

I started the gym in January 2017 going to classes like legs,bums and tums/body shape/spinning classes.Despite having 2-3 weeks off the gym this is when I have dropped down to 12st 4lb as I haven't been all that healthy either!!

I have had a skin cancer/Melanoma fear since December as I have a darker freckle on my chest I will be going back to drs on Monday (3rd time-drs request to take another look) it's not got bigger it's just under th light it looked like a scab was on it.

Now my mind is doing overtime as to this weight loss! Can I ask what you did to help settle your mind with the weight loss? xx

[Elen]

Kathryn don't be too hard on yourself, from what I can see you are still doing a great job.

Its great that you keep challenging your HA.

You have checked out the things that need to be checked without going into a worst case scenario spiral each time.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here,

[pulisa]

I'm sure you are great at your job but working in a hospital environment must be so unhelpful when it comes to managing your HA. You've got temptation all the time re reassurance-seeking from your colleagues so I think you ARE doing a fantastic job just keeping things rational and normalising symptoms which have the potential for inducing spiralling.

[Kathryn313]

Emily - In answer to your question....'Now my mind is doing overtime as to this weight loss! Can I ask what you did to help settle your mind with the weight loss?'

I put weight on! once the anxiety subsided i gradually found myself putting a couple of pound on each week and am not back to my pre-anxiety levels. I think the passing of time also helps but i hard to just wait it out when you heads is telling you there is something very wrong and then causing your metabolism to ramp up so you lose weight even easier!!

Head and Neck nurse, confirmed Geographical tongue, she asked the consultant if i should have anything done in relation to it and he stated a full set of bloods...however I had this done when all this started so don't feel like I need a repeat.

CBT session was really useful, concluded that a non HA person would carry on through the process, so going to have the scope. Nervous about that now though.

Eye better but still a bit annoying.

Thank you for your kinds words, it really does help.x

[Kathryn313]

Been doing much better in general.


Full colonoscopy done this afternoon. I just had gas and air, the experience was better than I was dreading in terms of levels of pain.

All clear (as expected).

So let's see how long it is before the HA bonfire reappears...am in a good place anxiety wise at the moment but aware it is always there waiting so you have to keep up with all the tricks and techniques that get you through bad patches!

My eye still occasionally a bit dry/out of focus but I notice it much less now.

Inhaler continues to work on my asthma.


Self care actions:
Swim once a week
6 weekly massage
YouTube relaxing music or meditation every 2-3 times a week.

[Kathryn313]

Grrrr...itchy gums following a cold. Horrible sensation.

[Bigboyuk]

Grrrr...itchy gums following a cold. Horrible sensation. Not nice granted, but nothing serious so keep up using the wellness tools in your previous post and you won't go wrong. you are doing great:yesyes::hugs:

[Kathryn313]

Thank you! Not been on the site for a few weeks. I always get itchy gums after a cold but I forget the sensation and then when it represents I start to have a mini panic so just wanted it written down and out of my head so it had no where to spiral!

I also wanted to update these section regarding my vision...the right sided blurriness seems to have completely settled. I probably last noticed it over 4 weeks ago. I used to hate going into threads which would not conclude and you never knew if things settled or not.

[Josh1234]

Are you taking medication? I think it's good and all for you to challenge the HA, but I'm not even sure that what's happening here. This thread looks virtually the same from its beginning, till right now, which spans over a half year, at least. The fact that it's done in public does seem to be some not so overt form of reassurance seeking. I'd consider a medication to aid you, because you're still panicking over insigficant body stuff, despite being in CBT. Sometimes CBT isn't enough for people. They need meds and therapy both.

[Kathryn313]

I don't really panic about things anymore, it's just there some days and other days it isn't. My worse was last summer when I couldn't concentrate, cried all the time and spent many am unhappy hour googling.

To say I was completely free of HA would obviously be a lie but it isn't paralysing my life. I don't have medication at present, it was suggested at the beginning and I know if this begins to consume my life then I will absolutely go there. I guess I just like to know that I am able to express it somewhere. I spend a lot less time on the forum these days.

Xxx

[Kathryn313]

Just a quick check in to say I am still alive!! It's almost a year since I joined NMP. It is a great resource and I will be forever grateful to those who helped me along the way.

Still wheezy but inhaler works well
Tongue still has a a habit of flaking and growing back

But I can deal with it all at present.
So consider myself a success story!!! :)

[swajj]

I read your threads. Don't think I ever posted on them though. Glad you are feeling stronger. Can I ask if you feel it has helped staying away from NMP?

[pulisa]

I'm really pleased that you have a firm check on your HA, Kathryn. You have put a lot of hard work into understanding how it can take a hold but equally you have the skills to be able to manage it successfully.

[Kathryn313]

It definitely helped to break the cycle of posting on here and interacting but only at the point when I felt that was the next habit to break. Being able to Use this space safely and supportively was an absolute godsend in the beginning. It was the only place I could write my thoughts and be understood and also as I was coming out the other side I could see how common our experiences are and the true pattern of HA. So many familiar names still posting and still seeking reassurance and more importantly still alive, there fears from last summer not realised.

My reason for logging on today is to do a bit of formal CBT as I can feel myself getting a little more anxious again, started with a tooth cracking, now it is getting achy so I have booked an appointment with my dentist next Tuesday but this has led to a bit of checking behaviour of my mouth when then leads to querying the geographic al tongue, then a light light to see better, then the 'I wonder if it has always looked like that' moments. So to stop that escalation I felt the need to stop, write down my reflections and move on. So this is that bit. I don't need reassurance in response.

I don't want to start a new thread because this one tells my story.

How are you guys doing?

[pulisa]

Great that you can put a check on these little HA voices of doubt. Nothing like being logical and in control to stop them in their tracks. I hope the cracked tooth isn't too expensive to sort out. The dentist will always take a cursory look round your mouth to spot any oral lesions as part of the treatment so no point in doing it yourself now.
You've done so well in managing your HA positively and successfully x

[Kathryn313]

Lump in my groin on the right hand side, I have recently had an infection so I suspect a reactive lymph node but I must confess I don’t really know where my lymph nodes actually are, so it could be anything!! It’s about 1cm and feels like a cyst but has no head to it. Came up two days ago.

I did just have a quick google but shut it down quickly and came here instead.
I am away for a couple of weeks soon, if it is still there on my return or gets bigger I will head to the GP.

[pulisa]

That's a logical and sensible reaction and approach, Kathryn. Waiting is hard but in view of the infection the GP would give you this advice too.

[swgrl09]

I'm glad you shut down google!! That takes strength! Also try not to poke too much. That can make them swell.

[Kathryn313]

It was just a spot! All gone now...I am just So busy at work at the moment and can feel myself stressing out.

I had a night out drinking and dancing last night and at 3am I woke in agony, pain radiating down my back, through my shoulders, I couldn’t stretch it out or shake it off, could only sleep on my back for short periods of time, sleeping on my side was a complete no go. Am now worried the same will happen tonight! And I will start to spiral into thinking all kinds of things. Thinking all sorts of things but know it is probably indigestion...but it really did ache/hurt...took my tears at one point :(

[Kathryn313]

After a reread of my thread - I wanted a quick update here instead of a new thread. The tender sensation I have on my right side has been referred to in here so I wanted to link it all.

I have some intermittent tenderness on my right hand side, just at the bottom of my rib cage and around my waistline. I have resisted any googling and know if I get genuinely worried I should go the doctor but I am a bit embarrassed to go the doctor as I haven’t lost any weight in the last 6 month, despite agreeing with the doctor I would look towards getting to a healthy BMI. I did get the little blue pills (not those ones!), oralistat but it turns my stools very light. She tested everything and all came back fine, expect for one result that was borderline and I didn’t ask much about. My HA was under control then.

I am back to thinking a liver or kidney problem (belief in this about 20%). I have an appointment with my CBT therapist lined up for a few weeks time, last appointment was over a year ago.

Still alive :)

[pulisa]

Always a good idea to have a CBT "top-up" from a professional if you are feeling a bit wobbly and I'm sure between you you will be able to formulate a plan to monitor the tenderness without allowing your HA to take a hold.

[Kathryn313]

Funny, I can barely remember that July episode now!
Just back on the forum to break the cycle of internet checking for wheezing. I have had that cold that’s going around and now my noisy nighttime wheeze is back. Went the GP on Monday - was a new GP who commented that my symptoms don’t seem like asthma and queried how I was diagnosed. I can’t bring myself to go through that loop again!! Anyway he said to keep taking the inhaler and it should clear up soon. Fingers crossed, as I am shattered - need sleep.