Kiwi90
05-09-16, 22:49
Today I visited the doctor for the first time in ten years to discuss my anxiety. Frankly it was the most terrified I've been in months but I do feel as though a weight has been lifted and I'm not insane. My panic disorder has been self managed for almost ten years; fortunately it's been infrequent and I've been known to go years without so much as a fluttery heart. I have a great job, work in a very sociable industry and live with my best friend. Although there have been minor episodes of panic, these haven't lasted longer than a couple of days or some ocassionally severe panic attacks. There's often very little to trigger my anxiety and so I know I'm somewhat lucky.
In the last three months this has changed. On the surface I have carried on as normal; going to work, meetings, conferences and still doing an okay job. I've so socalised, been to gigs and festivals, enjoyed nights out and been the same person on the outside to most of my friends. But I've felt myself losing control. I have food allergies which have been the cause of a great deal of anxiety. In the last few months I've barely eaten in restaurants (something I love) for fear of contamination, my epi-pen not working and me dying. I only eat food with labels attached and even then I'm anxious someone may have eaten something at home, gone to the factory and contaminated my food. Logical, I know. Because of this my diet has reduced to easy food, and the same food regularly with no real selection. I am gaining weight. I've started sleeping with the light on incase somebody breaks into my house and rapes me. One several ocassions I've checked the house in the night. I go to the toilet so much I asked for a diabeties test (negative), in particular in the night. I will not walk home in the dark, something which is going to prove difficult with Autumn approaching (strangely my favourite season). On Fridays I can't just have a drink to get tipsy with my friends (I am after all only 26, Friday's were made for drinking!); I drink to get out of my mind drunk and then spend Saturday having panic attacks over the silly things I didn't do or say. I fear if I stop going out and drinking on Fridays my friends will start to hate me and I'll be alone. On several occasions I've had to work from home because I've had a panic attack about being fired or what to wear to the office without being judged; the women I work with are lovely and would honestly never judge. Thankfully I work in a very flexible job that in theory can be done from anywhere. I'm convinced I'll be single forever and end up in a home where they have to ask people in the papers to come to my funeral. I'm Maid of Honour at my friends wedding and had a panic attack because of bridesmaid dresses last week; mostly thinking I'd be the one that is awkward to buy for and she'd hate me and everyone would look terrible because of me. This resulted in me passing out. I'm spending money on things I don't need for a couple of moments joy. This is resulting in credit card debts. All of this has compounded into one never ending circle of issues and anxiety that is turning me into a wreck of the person I was. And all in the space of three months...
Today the doctor strongly recommend counselling and a course of Citalopram. Both of which I am fine with; anything is better than how I'm feeling right now. To be honest I'm not fine. That's a lie. I hate the idea of counselling so I can talk about issues I've long buried (I already know I have abandonment issues, I don't need anyone else to tell me....) and medicating is something that has always scared me. But I'm willing to give it a go. With a somewhat open mind. My main concern is work.
Do I tell them? I often have side effects with medications and reading some of the Citalopram side effects has led me to think these may effect my performance at work. I need to concentrate for long periods of time, something many people have said they struggled with. I think I'd rather have my boss on my team, expecting it and it not happening - than having no idea why I'm suddenly crap in meetings.
I know I've rambled a bit but now my main anxiety is telling my boss about my anxiety! Any suggestions?!
In the last three months this has changed. On the surface I have carried on as normal; going to work, meetings, conferences and still doing an okay job. I've so socalised, been to gigs and festivals, enjoyed nights out and been the same person on the outside to most of my friends. But I've felt myself losing control. I have food allergies which have been the cause of a great deal of anxiety. In the last few months I've barely eaten in restaurants (something I love) for fear of contamination, my epi-pen not working and me dying. I only eat food with labels attached and even then I'm anxious someone may have eaten something at home, gone to the factory and contaminated my food. Logical, I know. Because of this my diet has reduced to easy food, and the same food regularly with no real selection. I am gaining weight. I've started sleeping with the light on incase somebody breaks into my house and rapes me. One several ocassions I've checked the house in the night. I go to the toilet so much I asked for a diabeties test (negative), in particular in the night. I will not walk home in the dark, something which is going to prove difficult with Autumn approaching (strangely my favourite season). On Fridays I can't just have a drink to get tipsy with my friends (I am after all only 26, Friday's were made for drinking!); I drink to get out of my mind drunk and then spend Saturday having panic attacks over the silly things I didn't do or say. I fear if I stop going out and drinking on Fridays my friends will start to hate me and I'll be alone. On several occasions I've had to work from home because I've had a panic attack about being fired or what to wear to the office without being judged; the women I work with are lovely and would honestly never judge. Thankfully I work in a very flexible job that in theory can be done from anywhere. I'm convinced I'll be single forever and end up in a home where they have to ask people in the papers to come to my funeral. I'm Maid of Honour at my friends wedding and had a panic attack because of bridesmaid dresses last week; mostly thinking I'd be the one that is awkward to buy for and she'd hate me and everyone would look terrible because of me. This resulted in me passing out. I'm spending money on things I don't need for a couple of moments joy. This is resulting in credit card debts. All of this has compounded into one never ending circle of issues and anxiety that is turning me into a wreck of the person I was. And all in the space of three months...
Today the doctor strongly recommend counselling and a course of Citalopram. Both of which I am fine with; anything is better than how I'm feeling right now. To be honest I'm not fine. That's a lie. I hate the idea of counselling so I can talk about issues I've long buried (I already know I have abandonment issues, I don't need anyone else to tell me....) and medicating is something that has always scared me. But I'm willing to give it a go. With a somewhat open mind. My main concern is work.
Do I tell them? I often have side effects with medications and reading some of the Citalopram side effects has led me to think these may effect my performance at work. I need to concentrate for long periods of time, something many people have said they struggled with. I think I'd rather have my boss on my team, expecting it and it not happening - than having no idea why I'm suddenly crap in meetings.
I know I've rambled a bit but now my main anxiety is telling my boss about my anxiety! Any suggestions?!