Feeling lost, helpless and suicidal

[MattYoung]

Hello everyone. This is my first post and my first time using any forum site like this so I hope I am posting this in the right place. I apologize if not.

I don't really know how to start so I guess I'll just tell my story.

I just spent about 40 minutes writing my story from the start but felt it wasn't really necessary. So I'll try to explain it as I currently am.

Turns out I wrote my whole life story anyway. I'm sorry for this being so long so I will understand If none decide to read it.

My depression/anxiety or whatever it is, I don't really care, stopped me completing my HND (Higher National Diploma) IT course about a year and a half ago. I was told by my teachers that they didn't think it would be best if I came back as in my current state I probably wouldn't of got much work done and would be wasting the money on the course. I'm not going to lie, it hurt. I was kind of comfortable plodding along and then one time I was asked to see the counselor and then, next minute I was left with nothing and no plan for the future.

Since then I have been getting worse and worse. I held a part time job for about 6 months after college at a tourist attraction restaurant. It was hugely busy with a lot of rude people and in the end I broke down. I have had an issue with excessive sweating as long as I can remember and there were days where my work shirt would almost completely turn into a darker colour from the sweat and I wasn't allowed breaks to cool off or to change shirt. It became too much between the constant comments from co-workers and the looks from customers. I am sorry I know its gross and I'm waffling again!

Anyway, that experience has really scared me from working anywhere. I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me. I want to work. I have a lot of dreams and love the idea of being able to sustain myself. I am trying, I promise. I have looked online at other people in similar situations and seeing what sort of jobs they go into but I just have been too scared to do anything myself. I live in a very small village so there is limited shops around that actually need any staff.

Shortly after finishing that part time job my mum booked an appointment with a Psychiatrist who then put me onto a CBT therapist. Also at this point there had been alot of self harm going on through pure frustration and disappointment in myself. He told me to take a break. To just try and relax and take little steps to move forward in my own time. It helped a lot to have him to talk to but I couldn't switch off my stupid brain. He said the average client would be done it about 8-12 sessions. After session 20 I didn't know what to do. He had taught me all he could and now I was just going to him because he was the only one I could talk to, he didn't judge me and he understood, but I wasn't getting much better and at this point my brain was screaming at me that I "should've been done by session 12, I'm obviously doing something wrong or not trying hard enough!"
I had to stop seeing him because I felt so bad for my parents having to spend all their money on my therapy and I just felt I was wasting it but I didn't know how else to make it work. I had told all of this to him and we tried to work through it but every week I would be worse and worse because I just knew it was more and more money going from my parents. Waffling again..

I vowed to myself to keep the sheets that he had given me and to read them every time I needed to. I managed to keep his voice of guidance in my head for a few weeks but it has slowly died out and I have really lost my way. I can't ask my parents for more money to see him I just can't but I really have no one else to talk to who understands as much as he did, which is mainly why I'm writing here.

I have gotten to the point where the only thing stopping me from "ending it all" is the effect it would have on my parents and my girlfriend. It would be immensely unfair on them and I don't think I could do it. Which leaves me in this purgatory of emptiness and disappointment as I slowly feel my dreams slipping away.

I had made a few big steps in my eyes on how to recover. One day, during the time I was seeing my therapist, I had a strange but immense urge to start blacksmithing. I know, very odd and obscure but I'll take it. As the demon in my head had taken all the joy and motivation away from all my other interests, this had been the only feeling of happiness, of a goal I had had in months and I dove straight into it. I bought a book which I studied for days. I watched loads of videos on YouTube on how to do certain things. I built a forge out of bricks based on one of those videos and my parents bought me an anvil. For the first time in ages I felt like I accomplished something. I clutched onto that feeling for as long as I could and made a few things which I was very proud of. My therapist said I could use it as a recovery tool as it was helping to structure my days and get me working in the day as if it were a normal working day. I loved it, I set up a shop on Etsy just for the hell of it as I thought someone might want to buy something I made and they did! I made a sale of 2 door handles to someone in Australia! It was very rewarding. It had not made me feel any better about a proper job with people so I was still at a bit of a loss.
I had the idea of maybe trying to actually use this a sort of part-time job. I worked out how much I would need to sell to at least match what I was making at my old job and it was very achievable. That would give me purpose and a sense of worth that I so desperately needed.
But that it pretty much where my story ends. I haven't been out to my "forge" in weeks, afraid that the next thing I make will be worse than the last. Any mistake I make I cannot forgive myself for. I punish myself in my head for being so stupid to think I could do anything worth while. I feel like I am wasting my potential as I really had a spark for programming and I liked the problem solving. I have tried to make apps, getting into and then doubting myself and telling myself that I couldn't ever do that.

I'm very sorry for waffling. The last part is a jumble, I don't even want to read through it again. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I have just felt so overloaded recently and needed to get this stuff out. I don't have a clue what to do in the future. Any job needs a qualification and I am now illegible for any student loan that I know of so I can't even do that, even if I could I might even bugger it up again.
I have a dream to beat this darkness back and reclaim my spark for blacksmithing and create a business doing what I love. I don't want to make millions. I just want enough to live on. I have a dream to move to Canada, buy myself an old pickup truck, live somewhere quiet and just pay the bills by doing what I love. I know everyone has dreams and they aren't always obtainable but I just feel so crap that my dreams aren't even that big and I still have no hope to get them. I would even settle for working in a smallish village if it meant I could live in a quiet place in Canada.

Me and my girlfriend met before this all went down. We hit it off real big and I can still remember the things I would do just to make her smile. But now, now it is really hard. For both of us. I want nothing more than to be that guy for her again but all of this stuff has just been brought to the surface and has really destroyed any feelings I had for anything. I feel completely empty, apart from the sadness, loneliness and the worthlessness. I haven't felt love for her for ages. I have promised myself that I am not going to make any decisions relationship-wise until I feel I am better. I do not want to throw this girl away for no reason. She has done so much for me and to this day she stands beside me just taking all the crap that's thrown her way in her stride. I am desperately holding on to the feelings I had for her at the start in the hopes that they will be the same on the other side. I have had minutes of relief someday's where I can feel the love again. I can't help but make the most of it and hug and kiss her until inevitably it fades away again. It just makes me so confused as to what feelings I should believe, but I am holding on to those brief periods of love that I get and so is she.

In summary of all this mostly unnecessary information is that I have slowly become suicidal with no solid plan for the future (dreams but no plans). So much pressure to progress that it is becoming counter intuitive and is making me worse by doubting all my actions and attempts to make things better by saying to myself that it's not the most efficient way to get better. I can't stand my parents friends coming round and me having to explain that I'm unemployed and to sit through their looks of disappointment and confusion as to why a perfectly able bodied guy is sat at home doing nothing when he should be out working and living on his own by now. I wish I could explain everything.
Oh and also I've put on a ton of weight due to the fact that I eat almost every time I get the slightest bit down. I have also been crying at the weirdest things but some I see are relatable to me wanting to do people proud. I never used to cry at many movies apart from Marley and Me and I am Legend, pretty much anything with a dog death. But now I'm crying at literally any movie, most recently most Marvel films as it's mostly all I watch. Especially a bit in Iron Man 2 where he gets a hidden message from his dad who he thought wasn't proud of him. That bit hit hard for me. It seems silly now I say it. My relationship has never been great with my dad and I always care what people think of me, I care too much which obviously links with all the other stuff but I didn't realise stuff like that affected me so much. I wish I could make everyone proud of me.

Jeez, waffling again. I'm going to stop now. Been crying pretty much the whole time of writing this so think I'm going to have a rest! Thank you so much if you have read this far. I am so sorry it is so long.

Matt

[Mermaid16]

Hi Matt! Welcome to no more panic. You will find lots of people on here that you can talk to. Firstly, things will get better. If you do feel suicidal to the point where you think you may actually do something, please go to A&E. You have your whole life ahead of you. I have been in your place many years ago and am so happy that I didn't take that road, because things get better. I have been there more than once in fact and every time it does get better.

You have options available. Have you considered returning to the psychiatrist and letting them know that you are still struggling after the CBT? It sounds like you have depression and they may be able to prescribe you some medication to get you through this rough patch. It is worth a try.

You seem to be very hard on yourself, when in fact you have achieved quite a lot. Good on you for blacksmithing, also following through with the CBT and continuing to work on it after it finished.

Try not to think too much into the future. I know I get easily overwhelmed when I do this. Try taking the one day at a time approach. If you make it through today, then you have achieved something.

I do think you need to speak to someone (psychiatrist) about the way you are feeling. It seems as it has been going on for some time and hasn't improved. It can and will get better, you need to remember that.

Speak to your parents and let them know how you are feeling and suggest going to the psychiatrist. As they are your parents, I am sure they would want to help you any way they can. Don't worry about the money, you can work that out when you are better.

You have a girlfriend and parents that love you, you just need some help to get through this patch.

Let us know how you get on. We are here if you need to chat.

Tracy

If you do see the psychiatrist, be totally honest with everything and the way you are feeling, because they can't help you if they don't know what you are really feeling

[deadletter]

Well, I read it all. It's very hard getting all those words and feelings out and waiting to see if anyone has heard you. Minutes are a long time, let alone hours and days. Anyway, I read it all. There's not much I can offer in way of solution, but for what it's worth the person I heard in your post is someone I liked.
It seems like you have strong creative, practical and technical abilities. Albeit you can't realise them at this time. I don't know what the solution is there. I do know the self-loathing is an unnecessary hindrance. I get caught up in some very destructive reveries of my existential worth over the most seemingly slight things. It could be described as stupid, if you wished to compound the shame. It's actually a complex, self-contained abuser/victim relationship. I read some interesting stuff about introjected perspectives, a sort of alien rationale that you adopt and that takes over. Much as a victim of abuse would take on the perspective of their abuser and berates themselves in the identical manner as the abuser would. Don't know what the solution to that is either. But next time you feel so certain of your lack of value, remember there's every chance you've got an imposter in your head feeding you those principles.
Anyway, it was a good post Matt. The best I can offer is my empathy. I hope you do well.

First time back here for years, which goes to show you're never to old to be having a really crap time again.

quick edit - in relation to crying at films, I managed the other day to cry watching John Carpenter's The Fog, which seems entirely inappropriate.

[unspoken]

Hi Matt. I also read your whole post, and I can relate to it. Anxiety and depression erode away your confidence and self-esteem. The constant doubt in your head and the feeling of pressure from everyone around you makes you feel paralysed.

What I found is that eventually the goalposts moved. My parents' expectations lowered as they started to understand something of what I was going through.

Without telling you my whole life story, I also had a bad experience in a job which made me too anxious to work again. It was a long slow recovery to the point where I could take on another job. I'd love to say that things have been brilliant since, but unfortunately the "perfect storm" of conditions has repeated itself and last Monday I went into work, only to be told by my manager not to come in anymore because they couldn't deal with me being inconsistent with my anxiety. I had already resigned but I couldn't finish my notice period. It's not even the first job where that's happened to me. This condition is a curse sometimes.

You sound like you've got skills and creativity, but you struggle to cope with pressure and being around other people all the time. I can relate to that and I know other people who can, too.

The thing that really helped me break through when I was too depressed and anxious to do anything at all was a book my GP "prescribed" called Overcoming Low Self-Esteem. It used some CBT techniques and I learned to be compassionate towards myself. I realised that I tend to forgive other people for things that I wouldn't forgive myself for. Give yourself time and try to treat yourself like you'd treat somebody you care about. Focus on what you have achieved, even simple things like getting out of bed and having a shower. Recognise that you are achieving things. Don't dwell on the things you've not achieved.

Definitely speak to your parents about getting some support. Perhaps you could go to see a counsellor and talk about how you feel. Psychiatrists are very expensive to see privately but it's worth it if it helps you. Counsellors can be much cheaper and organisations like Mind provide subsidised counselling services in many areas. Have you tried your GP as well? A few years ago I got very little from the NHS but this year I managed to get 16 CBT sessions for free and I only waited about 5 weeks, as the government has put money into making CBT more available.

Ultimately, your parents, even if they seem distant, want you to be happy. Older generations didn't really talk about mental health in the same way we do today so they may not find it easy talking about it, but you are their son and if they've paid for treatment before, I think they'll be prepared to pay for it again. It may take some of the pressure off if you are open with them about how much you're struggling. I wish you well. It's not easy, but you can get better than you are now, and your dreams are achievable.

[MattYoung]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply to me. I really do appreciate it honestly. I am very sorry I haven't replied sooner but I have been kind of scared I guess. I wasn't sure what to expect and kind of felt embarrassed that I would load my problems onto other people so I've just been trying to get over that for now.
I feel terrible and quite rude that all of you replied so quickly and were so nice whereas I wasn't able to return the favor by replying quickly but just know that I have read each one of your replies thoroughly and I promise I am taking all of the advice on board.
I won't reply directly to each thing as I'd be here forever and I would hate to leave somebody out or for you to think that I didn't listen to a piece of advice as I didn't reply to it so I will just reply generally. I hope that's okay.

A little update, I have recently seen my GP again to talk about how I am on Mirtazapine which is the third medication she is trying and I told her the truth about how I feel which is that I haven't really seen much of a difference. This is also where I am getting worried that I'm not really giving the medication a chance because I feel down due to my situation in life and the problems that I have so I feel it's unfair on the medication because those problems are still in my life and I'm just not sure what to expect from the medication because it obviously can't fix those problems. I'm not great at explaining things but if anyone has any experience with anti-depressants and whether or not you will know if they're working when they work? I know it won't be a quick process but I'm just worried about saying they're not working too quickly as I don't really know what to look for.
She has also referred me to another psychiatrist through the NHS this time. I'm just worried about seeing yet another person where I have to explain myself from the start again and I feel like they will be judging me and I'm scared they'll say what a previous doctor said which was that it's just a low period or something. I don't want them to think I'm lazy and just not bothering.

I don't want anyone to feel like they have to reply to this as it is just me rambling again and I know it probably isn't easy to give advice on these situations so I wont feel bad if no body replies as I am already so grateful with the replies I have already received.

Thank you so much and I have honestly taken the advice and reassurance to heart. I'm doing my best to take the pressure off myself and give myself a break, it's just easier said than done as I'm sure you all understand.

Thanks again,

Matt