Rach**81
26-03-07, 16:14
Hi My name is Rachel
I am new to this site.... it seems to be a good place and very interesting with many supportive and welcoming people.
Because of my inability to deal with panic as a young child i have developed coping mechanisms which are unhealthy and done me a lot of damage.
Alcoholism, anorexia, bulimia, misuse of drugs (in the past ) currently i am an agrophobic alcoholic who is still bulimic and a compulsive eater and have gone from being underweight to overwieght and i do not like going out of the house at all.
the thing is, i was diagnosed with depression at age 15 by a child psychiatrist and that was after the anorexia but BEFORE i began to drink alcoholicly.
i wish the doctor would understand that i am an alcoholic because i started drinking to try and override the shyness and depression, but over the years the alcohol and drugs and eating disorders have made me WORSE and now i just dont want to go out i dont want anyone to see the mess i have become, i am embarrased and ashamed...
I am now 25 i have been on and off the antidepressants for 10 years starting with prozac in 1996.
I think it all started off with me having a low self esteem, there was no reason for this cos my family were always very kind to me, but i always had problems socialising and i hated school. A classroom or a bus full of noisy kids was allways an ordeal and i didnt like myself so i thought that i was doing other kids a favour by isolating and not talking to them.... consequently they singled me out as a target for abuse cos i was different
by not eating i could shut out what was going on and controlling the weightloss made me feel good about myself.........
I have written a letter to my doctor and i am asking for a mental health assessment..... i hope they will not just say
go away and stop drinking....... thats not the whole problem i have had periods of my life when i didnt drink at all and things did not get better, in fact i ended up being hospitalised for a transient pshycotic episode and they gave me a question mark diagnosis of bi-polar and let me out after a few weeks drugged up to the eyeballs on something called olanzapine which made me feel so flat like i was made of wood and i had no feelings at all life was not worth it......
well im clean of drugs today but still activelly bulimic and a binge drinking alkie (am not physically dependant on the stuff - i do not get any with drawels syptoms when i stop ) but the thing is i used to work 6 days a week and now i have not been to work for over a year cos i just dont want to go out of the house anymore
if i feel panicky about leaving the house it makes it hard to get to my AA meetings..... when i do get to the meetings nobody there understands very much about eating disorders or agrophobia....
because of the agrophobia I am unable to attend a full time treatment programme for alcohol....
and the more depressed i get the more i eat and the bigger i get so i get more depressed and even more reluctant to go out..... its like a vicious circle
Anyway...... i think i feel bit better for being able to get that stuff out.... i do not have a councellor who i could talk to..... i think i still deserve a concellor even though i am an alcoholic....... so i will ask the doctor about it.....
sometimes i feel like i am not entitiled to help cos people see the problems as selfish and self inflicted so i feel reluctant to ask for help thinking that maybe i dont deserve any help............
I guess i feel better for venting anyway LOL :)
I am new to this site.... it seems to be a good place and very interesting with many supportive and welcoming people.
Because of my inability to deal with panic as a young child i have developed coping mechanisms which are unhealthy and done me a lot of damage.
Alcoholism, anorexia, bulimia, misuse of drugs (in the past ) currently i am an agrophobic alcoholic who is still bulimic and a compulsive eater and have gone from being underweight to overwieght and i do not like going out of the house at all.
the thing is, i was diagnosed with depression at age 15 by a child psychiatrist and that was after the anorexia but BEFORE i began to drink alcoholicly.
i wish the doctor would understand that i am an alcoholic because i started drinking to try and override the shyness and depression, but over the years the alcohol and drugs and eating disorders have made me WORSE and now i just dont want to go out i dont want anyone to see the mess i have become, i am embarrased and ashamed...
I am now 25 i have been on and off the antidepressants for 10 years starting with prozac in 1996.
I think it all started off with me having a low self esteem, there was no reason for this cos my family were always very kind to me, but i always had problems socialising and i hated school. A classroom or a bus full of noisy kids was allways an ordeal and i didnt like myself so i thought that i was doing other kids a favour by isolating and not talking to them.... consequently they singled me out as a target for abuse cos i was different
by not eating i could shut out what was going on and controlling the weightloss made me feel good about myself.........
I have written a letter to my doctor and i am asking for a mental health assessment..... i hope they will not just say
go away and stop drinking....... thats not the whole problem i have had periods of my life when i didnt drink at all and things did not get better, in fact i ended up being hospitalised for a transient pshycotic episode and they gave me a question mark diagnosis of bi-polar and let me out after a few weeks drugged up to the eyeballs on something called olanzapine which made me feel so flat like i was made of wood and i had no feelings at all life was not worth it......
well im clean of drugs today but still activelly bulimic and a binge drinking alkie (am not physically dependant on the stuff - i do not get any with drawels syptoms when i stop ) but the thing is i used to work 6 days a week and now i have not been to work for over a year cos i just dont want to go out of the house anymore
if i feel panicky about leaving the house it makes it hard to get to my AA meetings..... when i do get to the meetings nobody there understands very much about eating disorders or agrophobia....
because of the agrophobia I am unable to attend a full time treatment programme for alcohol....
and the more depressed i get the more i eat and the bigger i get so i get more depressed and even more reluctant to go out..... its like a vicious circle
Anyway...... i think i feel bit better for being able to get that stuff out.... i do not have a councellor who i could talk to..... i think i still deserve a concellor even though i am an alcoholic....... so i will ask the doctor about it.....
sometimes i feel like i am not entitiled to help cos people see the problems as selfish and self inflicted so i feel reluctant to ask for help thinking that maybe i dont deserve any help............
I guess i feel better for venting anyway LOL :)