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Rach**81
26-03-07, 16:14
Hi My name is Rachel

I am new to this site.... it seems to be a good place and very interesting with many supportive and welcoming people.

Because of my inability to deal with panic as a young child i have developed coping mechanisms which are unhealthy and done me a lot of damage.

Alcoholism, anorexia, bulimia, misuse of drugs (in the past ) currently i am an agrophobic alcoholic who is still bulimic and a compulsive eater and have gone from being underweight to overwieght and i do not like going out of the house at all.

the thing is, i was diagnosed with depression at age 15 by a child psychiatrist and that was after the anorexia but BEFORE i began to drink alcoholicly.
i wish the doctor would understand that i am an alcoholic because i started drinking to try and override the shyness and depression, but over the years the alcohol and drugs and eating disorders have made me WORSE and now i just dont want to go out i dont want anyone to see the mess i have become, i am embarrased and ashamed...

I am now 25 i have been on and off the antidepressants for 10 years starting with prozac in 1996.

I think it all started off with me having a low self esteem, there was no reason for this cos my family were always very kind to me, but i always had problems socialising and i hated school. A classroom or a bus full of noisy kids was allways an ordeal and i didnt like myself so i thought that i was doing other kids a favour by isolating and not talking to them.... consequently they singled me out as a target for abuse cos i was different

by not eating i could shut out what was going on and controlling the weightloss made me feel good about myself.........

I have written a letter to my doctor and i am asking for a mental health assessment..... i hope they will not just say

go away and stop drinking....... thats not the whole problem i have had periods of my life when i didnt drink at all and things did not get better, in fact i ended up being hospitalised for a transient pshycotic episode and they gave me a question mark diagnosis of bi-polar and let me out after a few weeks drugged up to the eyeballs on something called olanzapine which made me feel so flat like i was made of wood and i had no feelings at all life was not worth it......

well im clean of drugs today but still activelly bulimic and a binge drinking alkie (am not physically dependant on the stuff - i do not get any with drawels syptoms when i stop ) but the thing is i used to work 6 days a week and now i have not been to work for over a year cos i just dont want to go out of the house anymore

if i feel panicky about leaving the house it makes it hard to get to my AA meetings..... when i do get to the meetings nobody there understands very much about eating disorders or agrophobia....

because of the agrophobia I am unable to attend a full time treatment programme for alcohol....

and the more depressed i get the more i eat and the bigger i get so i get more depressed and even more reluctant to go out..... its like a vicious circle

Anyway...... i think i feel bit better for being able to get that stuff out.... i do not have a councellor who i could talk to..... i think i still deserve a concellor even though i am an alcoholic....... so i will ask the doctor about it.....

sometimes i feel like i am not entitiled to help cos people see the problems as selfish and self inflicted so i feel reluctant to ask for help thinking that maybe i dont deserve any help............

I guess i feel better for venting anyway LOL :)

Piglet
26-03-07, 18:54
Anyway...... i think i feel bit better for being able to get that stuff out.... i do not have a councellor who i could talk to..... i think i still deserve a concellor even though i am an alcoholic....... so i will ask the doctor about it.....



Good for you hun and I totally agree with you!!

A really big welcome to the site and have you had chance to visit the chatroom at all? It gets going in the eveing and can be a good distraction if you are not managing to get out and about at the mo.

Love Piglet :flowers:

Lynnann
26-03-07, 19:25
Hi Rach,

Welcome to NMP, look forward to getting to know you. We all deserve to get better and you have as much right to help as anyone else hunni.

Well Done for sharing,

Lynnann

nomorepanic
26-03-07, 20:18
Hi Rach

Welcome aboard. Thanks for the comprehensive intro.

You deserve help as much as anyone else does so please don't let them fob you off ok?

Hope we can be of some help on here.

Rach**81
26-03-07, 20:53
thank you all for being welcoming .... im glad to be here folks :)

belle
26-03-07, 20:58
Hi and welcome to the forum :)

Sarah x

manmoor
26-03-07, 23:25
Hi Rach,

A big warm welcome to you. xx

eastender
26-03-07, 23:55
Welcome Rach, a very good introduction. Hope things go well for you

hoppipolla
01-04-07, 15:33
hi rach it's been nice chatting to you in the chat room! hope you come back on there soon (you said you would brb hehe)

it was interesting reading your story, and i don't think anyone blames you for doing anything wrong or turning to bad things, you sounds like you always tried and just did what you could, it's just been tough but you can't help that :)

hang on in there! see you in a min maybe!

hoppi! :byebye:

hoppipolla
01-04-07, 15:39
ah just noticed you said you couldn't come back! that's ok :)

chat soon maybe and feel free to PM or whatever.

bye for now :)

Rach**81
01-04-07, 23:55
:flowers: Thanks Hoppipolla for the supportive message ... chat to you soon :) take care

Pink Princess
02-04-07, 16:38
hey welcome to the site, we spoke in chat so hope to speak soon xxxx

SANDYJANE
02-04-07, 18:44
hi, and a big welcome and hope to chat soon

love sandy xx