I feel like two different people! Can anyone relate? Recovery?

[Brittanykfit]

Hi everyone !
I struggled with severe anxiety for about 2 years with panic attacks.
I'm in therapy and I've never taken any meds.
30 years old , happily married, no kids.
I've always been a super positive happy person.
My anxiety stared after a traumatic health event (I'm healthy and fine now)

I'm pretty sure I'm in the recovering stages because I have many good days with no anxiety and I feel completely normal. I have no issues with leaving the house, driving, seeing friends, working etc.

However, usually close to the time of my period, (or when I haven't eaten properly or done my yoga ) I will have a few days where I am absolutely obsessed with worrying about if I have a mental disorder.

It comes out of nowhere !

The reason I worry about having a mental disorder is because of the thoughts that randomly flash through my mind and how I react to them.
I am terrified of the thought of one day possibly wanting to end my life (I love life and it makes no sense - it's like I am absolutely terrified of becoming depressed or so anxious that I won't be able to cope)

It's like my mind is taunting me with my biggest fears ! I try to "accept" it but OMG how can you accept something so psycho and so opposite of your core values ?! I feel like a psychotic person when I obsess and worry about these things ! I also have a deep underlying fear of going crazy or having a mental illness (I've been diagnosed only with anxiety by all of my doctors)

The crazy thing is , some days I feel perfect and couldn't even try to feel anxious if I tried !!!!

Then bam. Obsessive worry about being mentally ill and coping with life. I get derealization when I am in my head all day worrying and that makes it worse. Then a couple days later, I'm normal again like it never happened.

Is this anxiety ? OCD?

I don't have compulsions. Sometimes I get urges to clench my teeth or stare a something for a long time .... freaking weird ?!?!

Advice / thoughts are so much appreciated !!

I've been on my mental illness worry trip all day today !

[hanshan]

Hi Brittanykfit,

Welcome to NMP.

In the first place, make sure you eat well and do your yoga if it helps stop symptoms.

Past that, you seem to have an anxiety condition that is getting better. and the mental taunts and fear of a mental condition only have a basis in your anxiety. As your anxiety improves, they should decrease. With all these things, make sure you tell your doctor if hey continue to distress you. Good luck.

[Sparkling_Fairy]

I'm the same. I go through spells of anxiety where I find it hard to leave my house and I just want to be alone. And I go through spells of feeling great where I'm always out and about.

I started therapy recently and my therapist said everyone consists of different people. It's about bringing those pieces together to integrate back into one person. I guess it's the same for you. It's about getting the different sides of you back together so ultimately you feel like you again.
I don't know how you get there without therapy though. But it's normal to feel like you're two different people

[Brittanykfit]

Thanks guys :) I really enjoy my normal days .... then when I am hit with a high anxiety day it catches me off guard and the scary thoughts make me terrified still !
Guess this is where acceptance comes in. After two years of panic, I'm sure my body and mind are still sensitized and vulnerable.
Therapy is absolutely helping but there are some days where I feel right back at square one !

[SLA]

Scary thoughts. Do you know why they are scary? I do.

Because they don't align with who you are as a person, or who the REAL you actually is. You don't want these thoughts, because they go against what you believe in. That is what intrusive thoughts are.

The good news is, you are not alone, and it is easily solved. (but requires, persistance and practise)

Quite simply, you are not your thoughts. Have you ever said something and immediately regretted it? It felt like it wasn't you that was in control of your words? It's the same with thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are labelled as intrusive, because they are thoughts that manifest themselves sporadically and are not directly "yours".

So don't identify with these thoughts. They don't have any meaning.

Your brain gets stuck in a pattern where you think "I don't want to have intrusive thoughts!!" and in order to NOT have an intrusive thought, one pops up.

I used to call them pink elephants. Because if you tell yourself to "not think of a pink elephant" you first have to visualize what one looks like, so you can exclude it. It's the brain not being very smart.

Once you learn to identify them as having no weight, or value, you worry about them less. And when you worry about them less, you don't have them.

If you worry about them, they'll appear. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You'll be fine. I was where you were 8 years ago, and i've never had a major problem since. Occasionally they'll pop up, but I find them quite funny now.

[Brittanykfit]

Scary thoughts. Do you know why they are scary? I do.

Because they don't align with who you are as a person, or who the REAL you actually is. You don't want these thoughts, because they go against what you believe in. That is what intrusive thoughts are.

The good news is, you are not alone, and it is easily solved. (but requires, persistance and practise)

Quite simply, you are not your thoughts. Have you ever said something and immediately regretted it? It felt like it wasn't you that was in control of your words? It's the same with thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are labelled as intrusive, because they are thoughts that manifest themselves sporadically and are not directly "yours".

So don't identify with these thoughts. They don't have any meaning.

Your brain gets stuck in a pattern where you think "I don't want to have intrusive thoughts!!" and in order to NOT have an intrusive thought, one pops up.

I used to call them pink elephants. Because if you tell yourself to "not think of a pink elephant" you first have to visualize what one looks like, so you can exclude it. It's the brain not being very smart.

Once you learn to identify them as having no weight, or value, you worry about them less. And when you worry about them less, you don't have them.

If you worry about them, they'll appear. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You'll be fine. I was where you were 8 years ago, and i've never had a major problem since. Occasionally they'll pop up, but I find them quite funny now.


Thank you very much for the kind response :)
I really appreciate it.
You're absolutely right. It totally feels like a self fufilling prophecy.
The part that's so hard is that these thoughts immediately create an intense wave of panic. They feel terrible ! I can FEEL the thoughts. And when I'm already experiencing some derealization from being in my own head, it literally makes me feel like I'm experiencing psychosis or something. Then I dwell on having to go through that and I get really down and scared of the future.
It doesn't make sense because most days I am almost anxiety free. It's frustrating. It's so hard not to take ownership of those thoughts. I am constantly questioning my sanity and it's a horrible feeling to question your sanity ! It just blows my mind how terrifying that is. I'm having a really hard time getting past that feeling of going crazy or that feeling that I'm not right in my head. I am constantly looking for "signs of mental illness" in everything I do and say. It's exhausting. But on good days, it's not even a thought.
Ugh !!!

Thanks so much again :)

[georgewing]

Try as many healthy habits as you can eat helthy fruits and vegetables make sport it elps your mind and bosy ,also try meditation hypnose and breathing tehnique also all this will gave you confidence in you and will stop anxiety