Where to begin? Need to break cycle

[elik]

I'm beyond frustrated in case you haven't guessed from previous posts...

I'm so insecure and so uneasy with myself caused by years of anxiety build up and bad coping mechanisms, therefore I have a protective barrier from other people so I'm never myself, something to do with the fact that I think I am such an unlovable person I HAVE to make myself look better. At the moment I'm trying to tolerate the discomfort and be myself a bit more but its making me even more anxious... I feel like people will think I am as much of a loser as I am and I can't be this vulnerable. Either way of handling things leads to huge distress and I don't quite know which way to turn for any sort of content life... I'm terrified of not being perfect (I know, its silly) but even if not that, because I am unhappy with how my life is because of all my issues its not like I can be myself and be happy, its just being true to feel exposed and embarrassed - confirming my self hatred and pushing me further down into more of a desperately pathetic life.

[SLA]

Do you have the motivation to change? Because if you do, then change can happen at any moment. It won't happen over night. For me, from the deepest hole I've been in, until a time when I felt "normal" was about 6 months. It can be done quicker though.

The first thing you have to do is commit to wanting to improve things. At some point you have to look at yourself in the mirror, and accept the past, but then decide that you want to change and become better.

Start taking small steps.

[littlepanda]

You're being very hard on yourself. But you know that. However, if you know that why are you still doing it without really trying to stop?

It sounds to me like you are depressed. You might just wave this away at first, but years of anxiety will have this effect on you.

Being anxious all the time is tough and tiring. We struggle to find a way to get away from it. The same with your self hate. This internal dialogue you have going on is not a helpful one. The truth is you can't win the fight against yourself, you need to give it up. Accepting things the way they are in life is the only way to contentment. Otherwise we just run around trying to change things all the time. If you haven't tried meditation I really recommend you do. There is a good phone app called headspace, give it a try. Meditation helps us to train our minds, calm them down and also help you look at things with a better perspective.

Of course you are trying to push people away if you don't like yourself. That makes perfect sense.

Let me ask you, when was the last time you spend time with yourself?

When was the last time you did something you enjoyed? Worked on a hobby?

[elik]

I seem to spend a lot of time with myself at the moment as I'm in despair. This is just a constant state of mind I'm desperate to help myself but feel powerless in doing so as I feel anxiety wins each time. Eg if I get one thought like I had a dream I had nearly slept with my friends boyfriend a week or so ago and I'll replay this thought to death because it's something that would destroy me and I'll question whether it's a dream. How can I just brush past that if I have that petrified feeling of uncertainty in myself and actions.....

---------- Post added at 05:48 ---------- Previous post was at 05:47 ----------

This just adds to the stream of distressing thoughts that can be triggered at any moment. It's 24/7 torture and I survive it but don't live

[georgewing]

Start by having your own opinions and be confident in you .A confident person dont care so much what other say and think because they dont care so much about you .Start by reading personal development books and they will help you out

[SLA]

I seem to spend a lot of time with myself at the moment as I'm in despair. This is just a constant state of mind I'm desperate to help myself but feel powerless in doing so as I feel anxiety wins each time. Eg if I get one thought like I had a dream I had nearly slept with my friends boyfriend a week or so ago and I'll replay this thought to death because it's something that would destroy me and I'll question whether it's a dream. How can I just brush past that if I have that petrified feeling of uncertainty in myself and actions.....

---------- Post added at 05:48 ---------- Previous post was at 05:47 ----------

This just adds to the stream of distressing thoughts that can be triggered at any moment. It's 24/7 torture and I survive it but don't live

You need to make a start, however small.

Is your main issue with distressing thoughts? If so, check out this. (http://www.startinglifeagain.com/3-steps-to-manage-and-eliminate-your-intrusive-thoughts/)

It takes a long-time to rebuild confidence. But gradually, each day, bit by bit, it can be done.

Start today. Do 2 things that will restore faith in your ability to be certain about yourself, and your actions.

I'll pick them for you if you want.

Go to the nearest shop, and buy a pint of milk.
Smile and say thank you to the cashier.

That's as simple a start as it needs to be. Go and do it.