ladyofthehouse
20-09-16, 18:53
I feel really really guilty that I have taken time off work. I teach adults in further education and am classed as a casual worker . We used to have contracts but they were stopped several years ago. We only get paid for the hours we work. Basically, we work for 30 weeks out of 52 so we dont have any wages coming in for 5 months of the year. At the start of each academic year a minimum number of students have to sign up for the courses otherwise they wont put the course on. Effectively , you never know a) if youre going to get work again or b) if your going to keep the job if students drop out in the first weeks ( which can happen if they find they dont like the subject). I took over a course a third of a way through last year. There had been some complaints about the tutor and they asked me to step in . Its was a difficult course to teach because I was stepping in a third of the way through it, had never taught the particular course before and because some of the students were quite aggressive personalities. My job is to teach them well enough and try as best as I can to ensure they pass their exams. I found the 6 months I was teaching them was really stressfull and the only way Id know if I'd succeeded would depend on the end of year exams.I got depressed and was referred to a counsellor. I settled down a bit when the summer holidays started but was still on tenterhooks until the exam results came out in August. My anxiety levels were really high for the 6 months. Thankfully, they all passed. Although I started to calm down, my bosses put me down for teaching the same course again. I went back to work last week and everything came crashing down on me and now I'm riddled with anxiety, depression and self doubt. I saw a psychiatrist who said I need to take a break from work . I finally emailed over the weekend to say I was taking time off because I was sufferening from depression and anxiety. I feel really really guilty about letting everyone down . I dont even know if they'll have me back when I'm better . I might have shot myself in the foot and never be offered more work. I'm 60 , have worked with the present college for 17 years so getting another job wont be that easy. I feel stupid for letting it get to me the way it has. I'm even more anxious now I dont know whether or not I'll work again. I wish now that I'd had the courage to carry on.