I broke the internet: I don't like feeling important

[lior]

I run a festival about design in London. It's in full swing right now. It's double the size of last year, and 20 times the size of the year before that. I got funding for the first time this year. It's a wild success. But I feel awful.

http://i.imgur.com/WsDsAln.png

Has nobody in the history of Google ever felt like this? I don't like it when people treat me like I'm important. I'm not that special. I'm equal to everyone else. I don't want to be treated in a really special way because I don't deserve it. I don't want to have the pressure of higher standards. I'm already trying too hard and breaking because of it. I'm burnt out. I can't do it any more. I don't want them to think I'm important because they keep asking too much of me and I can't meet their requests.

Even with all the success I'm currently experiencing in work, I still carry with me all the pain that I've been carrying. I'm not suddenly happy. I'm not more worthy than I was before. My value to the earth has not increased. My value as a human remains the same surely, whatever I do, however far time has progressed?

I'm ill right now.

"The downside of success has been a subject of speculation for at least a century. In Freud's (1925) paper about "Those Wrecked By Success," he stated that, "people occasionally fall ill precisely when a deeply-rooted and long-cherished wish has come to fulfillment. It seems then as though they were not able to tolerate their happiness; for there can be no question that there is a causal connection between their success and their falling ill." He concluded that the "forces of conscience"--our sense of guilt in general--induce illness in consequence of success. "
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201106/the-downside-success-guilt-or-shame

"the more contemporary notion of "survivor guilt" refers to the belief that fate has treated you better than others in your life, or that your favorable treatment was at someone else's expense. In moving beyond what was deemed possible, or in attaining one's ideals, a loyalty to parents, siblings, or peers can interfere with embracing accomplishment and even result in depression or anxiety (Weiss, 1993). Thus, a strong conscience may lead you to have empathy for those you have surpassed when you are successful, or you may have empathy for yourself as you become disconnected from the childhood identity that you have risen above."

"Once you are at the top you have to deal with the expectations of others and their potential disappointment. The stressors are not about guilt but instead about shame in the form of interpersonal worries: the responsibility of keeping people thinking highly of you and living up to their expectations."
- Thank goodness I'm not the only one!!

Finally, this is giving me some peace.
http://mikeiamele.com/need-stop-feeling-guilty-success/
"No matter what you tell yourself, the truth is that you’re the only person in control of your life. You’re the only one who can decide to be happy or miserable. You’re the only one who’s feeling guilty and stopping yourself from the overwhelming success that you deserve.

There’s a whole lot of success out there just waiting to be claimed. So, what’s it going to be, folks? Are you going to keep feeling guilty, or are you going to let yourself go and create success on your own terms.

The fun thing about life is you get to decide. And you’ve always been able to."

I am the same as everyone. I don't like feeling special. I'd rather fight in a teenage way to be special than to actually be special. It's what I'm used to. I don't actually want to grow up and be responsible for others. I'm barely responsible for myself. It's too scary and I'm too young. I want to enjoy life, not be serious.

I can't wait for my month off.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It's because you've put quotation marks in the search. :winks:

A big one for acceptance I think. Learning to accept adoration from other people and rather than feel uncomfortable with compliments, accept that it just means other people have appreciated you for something. That's not a bad thing. It would be far worse if we never told people that we appreciate them, that means being taken for granted which can depress people too.

The pressure is often from ourselves as we tend to be people who are more self critical. I drove myself into my relapse due to high standards when other's around me didn't produce results so accurate and tie up all the loose ends to the minute of details. A lot of that was me not learning to prioritise enough and accept that I couldn't do everything even though before my anxiety I had such limits in place.

[lior]

I've got quite good at delegating. I'm being careful to not give too much work to others. If things aren't perfect, I forgive myself and them: we'll do it better next time. There's so much going on; we can't control it all. We can steer and make frameworks but we can't guarantee everything to be perfect.

I think it's going great - it's just the past few days while I've been ill that I've felt super down. There are other factors going on too. If only my boyfriend was here, and not away for 6 months (or forever). If only my parents were lovely and supportive. I feel the lack of emotional support in my life. My friends do it from a distance. I support myself better than most people do, but I still would really benefit from extra help in times like these.