Traceypo
23-09-16, 12:21
My anxiety story began following the birth of my son, 9 years ago. Little thoughts that spiralled out of control until I became convinced I'd die and leave him motherless.
It took a long time to understand and accept this was anxiety, I was constantly living at my GP surgery convinced that whatever it was that was going on at that time would most certainly be terminal.
The first step was the acceptance or even just a willingness to consider that it could be anxiety. Once my mind was open to that, I was able to look at my options and do my research.
The second step for me was therapy, albeit I had CBT, each round of sessions served a purpose in my journey.
The third step was lifestyle changes, that's what stopped me dwelling waiting for a miracle, it was those changes that have made me human again.
If anyone asked what my anxiety was like, I could only describe it as an immense fear and that at my worst I was 100% convinced I would die that day. I was breathing but not living, I was detached from everything and everyone around me and in my mind I was in some strange survival mode, it was as if all those negative and scary thoughts were protecting me and keeping me alive. I now know that not to be true, it was those behaviours that kept me locked into the vicious cycle.
I look back at those times with immense sadness. I missed out on so much, I never felt the real joys of those times and even if I had a smile on my face you could bet your life I was obsessing in my head about whatever was going to kill me that day.
Moving forward, I'm now truly living and loving it. I'm still scared of some things, I'm still slightly anxious at times but I'm able to see that for what it is and not the worst potential that could be.
I smile with a real joy behind my eyes and cry tears what no-one will ever truly understand, as I have fought my battle and won. I don't live in fear anymore.
I go out walking lots, 3 miles a day, 5 times a week. I live 15 mins drive from the coast and I can now appreciate the beauty of that, I notice things that I never noticed before, the little things that make me smile.
My mind now wanders, for some that's frustrating, for me it's evidence that I'm no longer obsessed with controlling my thoughts and directing them in a destructive way.
I'm still smoke free, a massive step for me and I'm one week away from 6 months without a cigarette.
But best of all, I look at my son and we now connect in a way we never could before, because Mam was so obsessed with leaving him motherless that I could never be there with him, even when I was holding his hand.
For all you still fighting this, don't give up, there is a better place. For me, after all those 'illnesses', 'conditions' and 'life threatening ' events, I can now say that it was all anxiety, it was all in my head and I kept making it what it was by my behaviour. There was no magic wand, the solution and recovery for me was in me, I just needed the direction and support to find it.
Xxx
It took a long time to understand and accept this was anxiety, I was constantly living at my GP surgery convinced that whatever it was that was going on at that time would most certainly be terminal.
The first step was the acceptance or even just a willingness to consider that it could be anxiety. Once my mind was open to that, I was able to look at my options and do my research.
The second step for me was therapy, albeit I had CBT, each round of sessions served a purpose in my journey.
The third step was lifestyle changes, that's what stopped me dwelling waiting for a miracle, it was those changes that have made me human again.
If anyone asked what my anxiety was like, I could only describe it as an immense fear and that at my worst I was 100% convinced I would die that day. I was breathing but not living, I was detached from everything and everyone around me and in my mind I was in some strange survival mode, it was as if all those negative and scary thoughts were protecting me and keeping me alive. I now know that not to be true, it was those behaviours that kept me locked into the vicious cycle.
I look back at those times with immense sadness. I missed out on so much, I never felt the real joys of those times and even if I had a smile on my face you could bet your life I was obsessing in my head about whatever was going to kill me that day.
Moving forward, I'm now truly living and loving it. I'm still scared of some things, I'm still slightly anxious at times but I'm able to see that for what it is and not the worst potential that could be.
I smile with a real joy behind my eyes and cry tears what no-one will ever truly understand, as I have fought my battle and won. I don't live in fear anymore.
I go out walking lots, 3 miles a day, 5 times a week. I live 15 mins drive from the coast and I can now appreciate the beauty of that, I notice things that I never noticed before, the little things that make me smile.
My mind now wanders, for some that's frustrating, for me it's evidence that I'm no longer obsessed with controlling my thoughts and directing them in a destructive way.
I'm still smoke free, a massive step for me and I'm one week away from 6 months without a cigarette.
But best of all, I look at my son and we now connect in a way we never could before, because Mam was so obsessed with leaving him motherless that I could never be there with him, even when I was holding his hand.
For all you still fighting this, don't give up, there is a better place. For me, after all those 'illnesses', 'conditions' and 'life threatening ' events, I can now say that it was all anxiety, it was all in my head and I kept making it what it was by my behaviour. There was no magic wand, the solution and recovery for me was in me, I just needed the direction and support to find it.
Xxx