I'll never be okay.. it has to be lymphoma.

[Stephenie.welch]

I know I have lymphoma. I have itching but it's really mild. It will itch for a split second and go away without having to scratch it. I have a CRP level of 8.9 should be below 4. and sedimentation rate of 19. Should be less than 20. So its climbing up there ! have bad fatigue. I just want to cry all day.. all the doctors I've seen never are worried.. dermatologist said my rash wasnt lymphoma.why can't I just believe them and let it go?because of these stupid relentless symptoms and unprecedented tests I'm falling apart..

[Stephenie.welch]

I'm sorry Fishman about your wife.. I just can't take it anymore of course I don't want you to say I have that! How are my results clear? They're clearly not! I'm going to a therapist I'm TRYING here,! I just can't get past this! ; (

[Stephenie.welch]

Why are you being like this ? I always looked up to you on here! I have NOONE

[Stephenie.welch]

I'm so sorry. I truly am. I'll stop bitching. My mom had breast cancer and it went to her spine and she had to wear the diapers too.. it was devastating she was my best friend and I think this is where my shit stems from. she was so strong through it all. I'll pray for your wife that is awful.. I'm always here. I know I'm ****img crazy, but I'll listen. Please stay strong. You're a good guy. You've made it through some tough shit , and you'll make it though this too. She loves you.

[Stephenie.welch]

Can she be cured?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm so sorry. I truly am. I'll stop bitching. My mom had breast cancer and it went to her spine and she had to wear the diapers too.. it was devastating she was my best friend and I think this is where my shit stems from. she was so strong through it all. I'll pray for your wife that is awful.. I'm always here. I know I'm ****img crazy, but I'll listen. Please stay strong. You're a good guy. You've made it through some tough shit , and you'll make it though this too. She loves you.

Don't worry, you're not "bitching". Do your threads look any different to anyone else around here? No, of course not.

I'm sorry you lost your mum to breast cancer. Something traumatic like that can be the trigger for such disorders.

[Cusper]

First off, Fishmanpa I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I always look out for you and the advice you take the time to help others with. I think that what you do on a regular basis to help assure others is absolutely selfless and incredible. I am thinking of you and your wife and I hope that she recovers. I think you are an amazing person for what you contribute on a regular basis. Sending you positive thoughts, much love and gratitude.

Hi Stephenie, I am sorry that you are going through this. I have this affliction as well. Also I have had a few genuine health scares(all treatable!). I know that my first reaction is a terrible disease when I develop symptoms. My family doctor has moments when I can tell she is a bit exasperated with me. However I do notice patterns. I get extreme health anxiety when I have less contact with the world. (which is easily done because I am an artist and i work from home) I noticed you said that you have no one. That is huge!!! you must have some support and friends in your life. If there is a way that you can connect with someone who shares your interests whatever they may be. I went through the worst of my anxiety when i was at home all of the time with my young son and had no time or money to go out and connect. Also, your mom dying of cancer is huge. huge! my best friends mom died of cancer and that was when my health anxiety began. I am 40 and that was 20 years ago. I have moments in life where my anxiety gets worse but there are definite patterns and it has always been when I have been isolated or stressed out more than usual. Also I know it sounds cheezy but the one person that wrote this book it's called "Dying To Be Me" by Anita Moojani has helped incredibly to my health anxiety. Please look her up. I still go through my days where I am scared of dying and leaving my son but then I read a few pages or youtube her and I calm down. It is an awful thing to have debilitating health anxiety. However it is a symptom of something else. You need people in your life. A purpose. Just know that I go through the same things you do and I understand your fear. However when the anxiety gets out of control I am aware that there is something else going on in my life that I am not addressing. It is probably doubtful you have lymphoma. I thought I had that once too... itching all over, sweating etc but it was just that I was not living my life and I felt trapped and alone. Reach out. Which you did here, but go and find a place where you can connect with others. If you can't maybe even find some grief groups so you can work through your feelings about your mom. Sending you lots of love. xoxxo

[Stephenie.welch]

Thank you guys. The future looks bleak right now. My mind is killing me. It's like go get help Stephenie you're going to die! Are you stupid? They're missing it. Okay fine stay home. Your funeral. Like seriously the thoughts I have. The ONLY symptom I have is the mild MILD itching. If I don't touch it, it goes away in a second. But that still freaks me out, I just wish my mom was here to talk every through this misery. Because that's what it is.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Stephanie,

I might not have ever had a HA element with my anxiety but at the worst of my GAD & OCD it absolutely owned my days from waking to falling back asleep. It was relentless and I spent my day touching hundreds of objects over & over & over & over, reading & re-reading until I wanted to scream, and my walks & shopping trips were marred badly by it all. It was like I couldn't control my own brain and my physical self either when it came to the touching urges.

BUT years on I am far far better now. Back then I had thoughts that I was cursed to live like that for the rest of my life and I wouldn't get the least bit better. I was very wrong. I would come out of my CBT sessions thinking "how on earth can thinking this is just a meaningless symptom change how I feel do bad". But on time, I changed.

CBT wasn't very effective for me, but a lot of that was how our CBT has been stripped back in the UK, but I learned more about it later and how to use it. Mindfulness helped me even more though. But the rest has been trial & error to work myself out of things and to keep moving forward as much as possible despite the blips & trenches I dug myself back into.

BUT I am far better than back then. Early on I was a shaking mess sitting on the settee all day afraid of what was on the TV, the things I was eating, brushing my teeth and washing, etc. That's how far it went BUT I can do all of that with ease and have done for years.

You will get there if you keep working on it. Not just therapy but whatever it takes to find things that work for you.