After 16 years - I've finally had it

[ktdid2000]

So I've had health anxiety since 2000. No kidding. I got my first panic attack in high school, followed by the health anxiety/what is wrong with me train setting in and its been with me to various degrees ever since. I go through periods where I'm OK, and then periods where it takes over my life again - literally. When it comes around it blows up my life: work suffers, my friendships suffer, and now my family suffers because mom is busy with her self-induced personal (imagined) tragedy. I've gone through therapy before for about 6 months and it did seem to help for awhile, but I've had issues applying what I learned to my life long-term. Its just easier to slip back into the same old tragic thinking and OCD googling/checking of symptoms.

Yesterday was the final straw. I gave birth to my second son almost a year ago and he is the light of my life. I stay home with him on Tuesdays and we get to have a nice day together just the two of us. He had slept through the night the day before (yay!!) and we did some errands in the morning. In the afternoon I felt a knot/hardened area on my left breast. My mind immediately went to all kinds of dark places. I fed him but he wasn't interested at the moment so I pumped instead. Knot was still there. I'm now panicking - its got to be cancer. I call my doctor but they can't get me in until Thursday morning. I'm now compulsively checking the knot to see if its going down/getting any better. And starting to ignore my son who's crawling around on the floor after me probably wondering what happened to mommy. I keep telling myself its probably a plugged duct because I got them on the same breast with my first son, but that doesn't seem to work or help distract me. I keep compulsively checking. My house is turning into a disaster because I'm not doing the chores I was supposed to be doing that day and my son is starting to get upset. I close the door in the bathroom so I can check my breasts. I'm massaging the knot and putting heating pads on it to the point where I burn my skin. The whole area is now red and inflammed. More freaking out. My hubby gets home and I try to talk to him but with all the chaos and the two kids he mostly ignores me. He's used to my drama by now, so I suffer in silence. I keep running off to the bathroom to check and see if its changed any and compare it to the other breast. I get him to feel it too and he says its probably a plugged duct. The fact that he can feel it validates my assessment that something is wrong.

After bedtime I keep checking and wake up sweaty and panicked at 1am. Night sweats mean it must be cancer.

This morning the knot was gone. Son nursed on that side overnight and got rid of the plug. I am hit today with a wave of sadness. Sad that I ignored my family yesterday. Sad that I let this consume me once again (I've had three freak-outs in the past couple of months, some extending for more than a week over breast cancer and leukemia respectively). Sad that its impacting my relationships and everything else I love. I am DONE with this health anxiety.

So today I cancelled my doctors appointment and am making an appointment with a therapist. Its time to finally admit the health problem I've had all along and fix it - which I'm assuming will be a lifelong journey. It's a true chronic illness and this will always be ready to jump in and ruin things if I let it. My mom has recently clued me in that no less than 4 members of my family have dealt with health anxiety issues. :(

Wish me luck as I try to change my thinking. I don't want to become absent mommy. I need to change for my marriage and my kids. I just hope I can get there.

[Lifelonganxiety!]

Good luck to you! A lot of us on here have similar stories and have our ups and downs.

I've gotten a lot better with my anxiety. Not cured in the slightest, but have learned that over the many years (I beat you, mine started in 1999!) of worrying, nothing I thought was the end of me ever was so I've learned to trust the weirdness and abnormalities of the human body more. We all get aches, pains, lumps and bruises, fevers and sweats, dizziness and tingles - we're all still here.

Get your therapist to help, come here to chat, and learn to trust your body. I mean, the fact it's created two living beings should tell you how amazing it is!

[ktdid2000]

Haha - got me beat. :) Sad that we are both in this long-term club though.

After going to the therapy before I've been leery to try again, but I feel like I need to at least try again to get the things I learn into my life more to help me break the cycle faster/easier. I've just programmed myself so well to react how I do to anything abnormal that its practically automatic at this point. You know how they say takes a month to make a new habit? After 16 years I'm thinking it might take that long to get back to a point where the health anxiety spin-down cycle is no longer automatic! :P

[Lifelonganxiety!]

I think you absolutely need to find the right therapist. The two times I went were not good experiences. I never flat out said I have health anxiety, just that I worried about my health. Both times, they started asking questions about my family and childhood.

Maybe that's the way it works, but both times I left feeling like it was a waste of time, so maybe try to be specific about what you have and ask for help with that.

[ktdid2000]

Agreed - I'm looking into CBT again but it seems like every therapist claims to use that now as its quite the buzz word for treating everything under the sun.

I'll keep trying different people until I find one that seems to fit. It's expensive though as its not covered under my insurance - one of the many reasons I've been putting it off.