lilyvanilly84
05-10-16, 01:09
Hello :) My name is Heather and I am 36 from Ohio. I think I've grown up with anxiety. For as long as I can remember I've had racing thoughts and fears that I couldn't control..the main one I remember is the thought of losing my parents when I was around ten or so. Laying in bed crying thinking of what my life would be like if something happened to them. Sad really! I got married young - and pregnant prior to marriage. He and I got married because of the pregnancy and three months after saying I do we lost our son. He was 36 1/2 weeks into gestation, and it devastated both of us, and neither of us ever properly dealt with it. He got angry and I got depressed. We waited five years before we were blessed with our daughter, now 7 (going on 27) Lily. Once she came into our lives - my life changed (obviously) but this is when I started noticing more and more anxiety. What if someone broke in the house and got to her first. What if something happens to her. What would I do? How could I move on from something so bad happening. The marriage continually got worse. He nagged all the time, and was nothing but negative. Shortly before getting pregnant I got held up at gun point. He took nothing..except for my normal life. He ruined my normal life that night. He has moved on to get out of prison (five years for what he did for me) and shortly after - ordered a pizza and shot the delivery driver in the head. Scum is what he is, and chances are he will never see freedom again. So needless to say I was very on edge after this - tense..never considered it "anxiety" until I got diagnosed later. Driving home one day out of no where I had my very first panic attack. I seriously thought I was dying. I thought something was tragically wrong, and I could barely drive it was so frightening. I got home and just couldn't' settle down - I had no idea what it was until I went to the emergency room when the sweet little doctor came in and told me after all of the tests came back that I had been diagnosed with a "panic attack". How does that happen? Where does that come from? Started the process of Dr. appointments, new meds etc. Didn't like the idea of Xanax when I felt anxious. After the panic attack...I was anxious like all the time. So I went to see my GP and he put me on Cymbalta. Sixty pounds later and one thought of "hey I should just drive off that cliff" I called him immediately (I was on the Cymbalta for about two years) he suggested therapy and a psychiatrist. I went to both. Went to a few sessions of therapy - I realized that I am a control freak - what I cant control I get anxious. Makes sense right? I also started seeing my psychiatrist, and he pulled me off the Cymbalta and put me on Viibryd. For about two years I have been on the Viibryd with the side kick of Clonazpam when I feel the anxiety sneaking up. I've never felt "normal" nor "good" on the Viibryd, but the panic attacks are for the most part at bay. Panic attacks make me go through the whole process of the symptoms, but after reading enough articles etc. I now get through them and actually feel the adrenaline rush. I know they peak and then start dissipating. Have been in the ER probably about three times for all of this, and each time they tell me everything came back normal, and that it is just panic disorder. As of late my depression seems to be getting worse. I went to my Dr again, and he decided to put me on buspar. The first week and a half was WONDERFUL! And then...bam...panic attack and one night I was up cleaning until about 3:30 in the morning. I called him the next day and he told me to discontinue use. Went to see him again, and this time he has added 100 mg of Wellbutrin (I am a smoker..gross! I know and would love to quit) and with the added benefit of possibly being able to quit smoking as I get out of this funk..sign me up! So here I am day 20 into Wellbutrin along with my 40 mg Viibryd with the sidekick of Clonazpam as needed. The anxiety has really spiked since being on the Wellbutrin and I am hoping that it tapers off soon. I am currently taking the full 50 mg of clonazepam daily. So here I am..I am a google queen (which is a blessing and a curse) and have stumbled across this forum. Thanks for reading my babbling and I look forward to helping when I can, and being helped when needed!