Feel so alone - anxiety on the loose

[elik]

I'm so scared, I want help and support but I just can't ask for it. I haven't spoken to anyone other than my therapist about my anxiety for nearly a year. This is unreal considering how much torture I've been through on my own. I want so much to just crumble in someone's arms and feel supported but I have become so scared of rejection and judgement that I never do. I can't win. I don't get too close to people so they don't see my vulnerability but I really want to and I really want close relationships as I love people but I have to protect them and maintain my pride. I just always want to know that I'm being a perfect person which is so unideal. I feel even though I have anxiety, it masks me and who I know I am underneath and I don't want that to be seen. It's not desirable to be around someone like me so I have to put on a front, but wait, that means I'm not being authentic and this is pressure like some sort of show I put on. So maybe I should try not speaking to anyone to catch a breath, but that's isolation and that's not going to help and people will think you're a weirdo so let's just keep up appearances and wince at the avalanche of inner critique post social encounter. Not talking to people and talking to people both have horrific circumstances so I'm left in limbo feeling increasingly isolated and lonelier than ever before, particularly because the older I get the less I feel I should be burdening others as I'm not a kid anymore. It's me on my own, very much so. I have no idea how to get out of these traps. I understand the faults in this thinking but I know either way I look at it without sounding negative I have a shed load of other consequential thinking my way to work on because that's how I'm wired. It's beyond a joke how petrifying this is and there's always a new angle and a new thought narrowing my life further and further.

[mike83]

Do you have any friends you can confide in? What do you have to protect them from? You just have to forgive yourself a little bit, no one can be perfect, it's pointless to try really. I don't think being yourself would be as bad as you think. What does your therapist say when you tell him/her about this?

[Buster70]

Hi there , you have to take a bit of a chance with people I've been let down by a lot and it does make you cynical about people in general but there are a lot of good understanding people who won't judge you , just because we overthink every situation it doesn't mean the person you have talked to has they just get on with their day while we pick at what we've said and that's our problem , I talk to different people each day walking my dogs some I like some I don't but it is good to talk and every now and then you click with somone , take care .

[Cherryade]

If you are ever desperate to talk to someone, please phone the Samaritans, day or night.
Has your therapist talked to you on how to move on and start interacting with people? I think they should be able to give you the confidence to move on. We cannot be alone, we need people around us esp when we are hurting. Perhaps there is an anxiety group local to you that you could attend?

[elik]

I am the most proud person going. I don't know how totals to people on a serious level unless it's them coming to me with something. I'm very good at socialising in a light and fuzzy way but I have always struggled with respect. I have countlessly been thrown aside or ridiculed because it's easy to. Without knowing me much people instantly vibe this so I get 'mugged off' a lot. It's excruciatingly frustrating because I just want to be nice and if I continue being nice they get away with it and if I give them a slight cold shoulder because I don't know how to handle it I get branded 'moody'. I can't say no without a huge internal battle as my level of understanding towards people is so high that in the majority of situations even if it negatively impacts on me I will get it. I don't mind this, what I do mind is that my love and understanding for those around me never gets reciprocated back to me and it's making me miserable. I am such a pleaser I need recognition now and again and all my conscious trying seems to have no reward. If someone were to say to me 'you're assertive' I would retract so quickly and hate myself because I have such a negative idea of this. What I'm saying is, the average person can handle themselves thus get respect and not have to deal with so many let downs etc and someone like me who cannot handle themselves and puts everything on a plate for others gets pushed around so I have
Many more situations where I need to be assertive than a lot of people. So overall I have no positives.

---------- Post added at 08:03 ---------- Previous post was at 07:51 ----------

It's my fault I'm this lonely though, I cannot open up or show any negative emotions which is probably due to years of negative responses to me when I'm true to myself so I just put on a 24/7 show to everyone including my best friend and parents because I can't have them not like me too

[Buster70]

You can't be liked by everyone non of us can and if try to hard to please people they will pick up on it , you need to learn to just be your self good or bad most people like honesty , you seem to be beating yourself up about other people's problems some people are not worth the effort , take care