randomforeigner
12-10-16, 06:01
At the bookshop I yesterday saw a book that brought some light on the entire issue. It mentioned PTSD in children, which I didn't know existed. I thought it was something that could occur in adults only, and only after severe traumas like car crashes and so on. But now I learned for example that 'exposure to witnessing actual or threatened death in primary caregivers' may cause it, something which in fact happened multiple times when I grew up. Both parents were ill, and regularly hospitalized, mum nearly died when I was around five years old, and it wasn't the first time nor the last. I recall endless corridors at the hospital, sitting outside in the corridor bawling (children not allowed to visit ward at the thorax clinic in those days). Mum actually did die but eleven years later, her third heart attack. (She had six different severe disease, from thrombocytopenia to angina pectoris and smoking). My dad suffered from psychosis now and then, and I recall other visits and other hospitals, endless corridors, with colour-marked pathways leading to different wards, dreary cafeteria visits. Urgh. Fortunately, for me, I had my grandmothers. At the time I developed socially withdrawn behavior at school especially around the age 13. And if you came home after school and there was nobody at home, you never really knew if they had just gone shopping, or fallen ill. At one time I had to run over to a neighbor and call for an ambulance, this was when I was 11 years old I think. My mum was then at the hospital, it was dad who was driven away. As a result I had all the symptoms: irritable and angry, hyper-vigilance, exaggerated startle response, problems with concentration... etc. etc. I now read "A child, however, will be knocked off of his developmental path and after healing from the trauma will be out of step with his peers and school demands. He will therefore suffer ongoing frustration and disappointments" - which is exactly what happened. I self-medicated by digging into my school books because at the same time I knew I needed to manage to get good grades, and books and school-books was a safe way out. On top of that I was bullied at school for some consecutive years, and moved schools because of it (mid term, not ideal). I was also the youngest child in my classes following that I was born prematurely late in the year and did spend the first months in a NICU as it were. Being the youngest in a class, it means you jump the shortest and run the slowest, fight back the weakest, etc. This is no good. What a rotten start, but it pains me to think that many children have it even worse, comparatively. Anyway, after this, I'm sort of still always overly interested in having a safe environment, and don't like surprises. I like for example to check out in advance the fire exits of a hotel if I'm to stay in it. I also have a tendency of also showing an increased alertness to the environment at nearly all times except when falling asleep in the TV sofa. I don't take any medication, never have. I once visited a psychologist but he found nothing wrong, nothing to treat, but he charged me £300 and was amazed how I had managed to cope so well, as he put it. :shrug: