Arron1
15-10-16, 14:44
Hi All,
Firstly, please forgive me if I have set up this post incorrectly, or if this has been duplicated before.
My name is Aaron and I am 25 years old. I experienced a pretty traumatic childhood, as I was in and out of hospitals with a tumour and phenomena. I also was lived with my grandparents until i was about 5. This by the way was a wonderful experience and one where I found a deep and loving relationship with them.
I have always been concerned with my health and well being. I would at a young age worry about hearing something about someone and wonder 'what if' that happened to me. I would often be worried about various types of cancer or tumours etc.
I would say my first experience of real anxiety and fear occurred in my first year of secondary school. I would often get horrible thoughts about members of my family, whom I love and cherish, and this would often bring me to tears. I also felt uneasy around machinery, as it reminded me of the machinery I would see at hospitals. My thoughts would dwell on for ages and often I would not be able to compose myself in classes or at home. As I was around 11/12 I cannot remember much more.
My anxiety was reduced somewhat during my school life. I did however experience thoughts of being sick in public and on planes. This affected my exams and often would cause stress when travelling or in public. My anxiety then begun very seriously when I went to University. I moved to a University 45 minutes from home (not out of choice, due to the available university.) My initial option was Birmingham. I begun to experience frequent chest pains and worried this would cause a heart attack. This fear continuously played on my mind and I often would have several attacks where I thought I was going to die. My anxiety escalated when I was studying the subject of Euthanasia and I went into a freak panic about would what happen if I had this feeling. My University experience did not last long and I lived a stressful year often panicking all day and night to no relief. I don't know how but I moved University to Birmingham and found myself in a much better position. I did have the occasional anxiety moment, however, it was not a daily occurrence.
Throughout my second and final year, my anxiety was rather reduced and barring the odd panic thought/moments, It did not dwell on me daily. I feel the reassurance of going to the hospital and getting checked, I was in a much better position.
I now come to the present moment, whereby my Anxiety has returned and feels at its peak. As mentioned above, I would have occasional moments of panic or anxiety but nothing which would dwell on my mind for too long. I was recently made redundant from my work where I was enjoying working. On top of this I have been living away from home whilst my house is being redeveloped. I suffered a panic attack in the back of a cab, returning from my friends house after a great night out. The key here was the feeling in my attack. I felt like I needed to escape out of the cab and this severe stomach drop feeling took over my body. I actually left the cab and phoned 111, informing the operator of my symptoms. When i was told I would need to go to hospital, I went into a massive panic and took the first cab to the nearest hospital, whilst struggling in the back. Once hear I was told there was nothing of worry, but I could not settle down until I was in my parents company. I am extremely close to my parents and I felt a sense of relief once they arrived. The feeling in the cab stuck with me and I experienced the same feeling at my aunties house one evening. I felt trapped/enclosed in the room and felt as though I couldn't stop until I left the house. Thankfully, I was able to fall asleep and did not worry about leaving during the day.
It is here my anxiety has spiralled out of control. As I am much older, my thoughts are stronger and more hurtful. The thoughts include; fear of having a panic attack(the loss of control stomach drop feeling I experienced in the cab) I get many OCD thoughts and sounds, which replay in my head and cause me to worry because they won't go. Recently, I was away and experienced the same panic attack on a short flight. The only relief was we were soon to land. My anxiety has now escalated to the point where if I am far from home (even 10-15 minutes), I go into the same feeling of panic and dread. Its this gut dropping feeling which I feel I can't control. I now only get relief when I get home, such as I did when I got out the car/ feeling of leaving my aunties house.
I am a sociable person, who loves nothing more then relaxing or going for a drink with my mates or to go to the football home/away. I feel this cycle of anxiety is now imbedded in my head and I feel as though it will not go away. I am determined to fight it, but the daily struggle becomes exhausting. I can't help but feel the absence of routine at work/home has developed this, as I worry at any given moment, when my mind isn't occupied. I want to fight this off, get back into work and build my career and life again. I have such a wonderful family and friends, who I know care and I likewise, love and cherish.
I apologise for the length of this post. Like I mentioned, I have never ever joined a forum and this is my first ever time I have written down my feelings like this. I just want to remove this constant thought of doubt, fear and panic attack feeling. I would appreciate any advice/tips, or if anyone has any similar experiences.
Thank you
Arron
Firstly, please forgive me if I have set up this post incorrectly, or if this has been duplicated before.
My name is Aaron and I am 25 years old. I experienced a pretty traumatic childhood, as I was in and out of hospitals with a tumour and phenomena. I also was lived with my grandparents until i was about 5. This by the way was a wonderful experience and one where I found a deep and loving relationship with them.
I have always been concerned with my health and well being. I would at a young age worry about hearing something about someone and wonder 'what if' that happened to me. I would often be worried about various types of cancer or tumours etc.
I would say my first experience of real anxiety and fear occurred in my first year of secondary school. I would often get horrible thoughts about members of my family, whom I love and cherish, and this would often bring me to tears. I also felt uneasy around machinery, as it reminded me of the machinery I would see at hospitals. My thoughts would dwell on for ages and often I would not be able to compose myself in classes or at home. As I was around 11/12 I cannot remember much more.
My anxiety was reduced somewhat during my school life. I did however experience thoughts of being sick in public and on planes. This affected my exams and often would cause stress when travelling or in public. My anxiety then begun very seriously when I went to University. I moved to a University 45 minutes from home (not out of choice, due to the available university.) My initial option was Birmingham. I begun to experience frequent chest pains and worried this would cause a heart attack. This fear continuously played on my mind and I often would have several attacks where I thought I was going to die. My anxiety escalated when I was studying the subject of Euthanasia and I went into a freak panic about would what happen if I had this feeling. My University experience did not last long and I lived a stressful year often panicking all day and night to no relief. I don't know how but I moved University to Birmingham and found myself in a much better position. I did have the occasional anxiety moment, however, it was not a daily occurrence.
Throughout my second and final year, my anxiety was rather reduced and barring the odd panic thought/moments, It did not dwell on me daily. I feel the reassurance of going to the hospital and getting checked, I was in a much better position.
I now come to the present moment, whereby my Anxiety has returned and feels at its peak. As mentioned above, I would have occasional moments of panic or anxiety but nothing which would dwell on my mind for too long. I was recently made redundant from my work where I was enjoying working. On top of this I have been living away from home whilst my house is being redeveloped. I suffered a panic attack in the back of a cab, returning from my friends house after a great night out. The key here was the feeling in my attack. I felt like I needed to escape out of the cab and this severe stomach drop feeling took over my body. I actually left the cab and phoned 111, informing the operator of my symptoms. When i was told I would need to go to hospital, I went into a massive panic and took the first cab to the nearest hospital, whilst struggling in the back. Once hear I was told there was nothing of worry, but I could not settle down until I was in my parents company. I am extremely close to my parents and I felt a sense of relief once they arrived. The feeling in the cab stuck with me and I experienced the same feeling at my aunties house one evening. I felt trapped/enclosed in the room and felt as though I couldn't stop until I left the house. Thankfully, I was able to fall asleep and did not worry about leaving during the day.
It is here my anxiety has spiralled out of control. As I am much older, my thoughts are stronger and more hurtful. The thoughts include; fear of having a panic attack(the loss of control stomach drop feeling I experienced in the cab) I get many OCD thoughts and sounds, which replay in my head and cause me to worry because they won't go. Recently, I was away and experienced the same panic attack on a short flight. The only relief was we were soon to land. My anxiety has now escalated to the point where if I am far from home (even 10-15 minutes), I go into the same feeling of panic and dread. Its this gut dropping feeling which I feel I can't control. I now only get relief when I get home, such as I did when I got out the car/ feeling of leaving my aunties house.
I am a sociable person, who loves nothing more then relaxing or going for a drink with my mates or to go to the football home/away. I feel this cycle of anxiety is now imbedded in my head and I feel as though it will not go away. I am determined to fight it, but the daily struggle becomes exhausting. I can't help but feel the absence of routine at work/home has developed this, as I worry at any given moment, when my mind isn't occupied. I want to fight this off, get back into work and build my career and life again. I have such a wonderful family and friends, who I know care and I likewise, love and cherish.
I apologise for the length of this post. Like I mentioned, I have never ever joined a forum and this is my first ever time I have written down my feelings like this. I just want to remove this constant thought of doubt, fear and panic attack feeling. I would appreciate any advice/tips, or if anyone has any similar experiences.
Thank you
Arron