Close to breaking point

[elik]

I feel like exploding. I'm so trapped in negative turmoil I honestly have no strategy that can deal with the magnitude of this. Everything is obsessional and everything is terrifying. I just want to disappear I can't manage it anymore. My life is survival and that's all I know. Every method to help gets demolished by my mind as nothing has a good outcome because I destroy it with more hellish thoughts. Meanwhile I keep up appearances appearing confident and fun and caring etc which is who I am deep below this torture but the inner critique and fear is making this increasingly harder. I won't talk to anyone about it because no one can help me but me and they'll be confused and just never makes it better. Plus I need to be perfect and no burden. Meanwhile I constantly badger myself over how I'm acting whether people are good to me I'm good to them etc so never having an honest perspective of things making it impossible for me to make decisions or talk about things because this could change
In two minutes. I'm exhausted. It's never stopped and I'm so
Scared. I have no one and I have gotten so bad that I cannot talk about it because I will just beat myself up for being a burden. I try so hard to please people and help and when my anxiety gets so bad like this I find it hard to maintain this and feel like I need to opt out of loads of situations just to survive but I can't even do this because then I'm a bad person and in debt to people for not being there. Can you honestly see how horrendously webbed my mind is? The worst thing is is even when I try and strategise I don't trust what the better thing to do is. I just never know what's good or bad wrong or right and so forth and I live by trying to guess and be as good to everything as I can and I'm never happy ever. I am stop attached to the idea of being selfless and easy going because I actually love this trait in me but it's destroying my life

[lotusblossom]

Elik you really should learn how to be kinder to yourself, take care of yourself you cannot and don't have to please every body and any body but yourself, you seem to over think things yes unfortunately we all do at times you are getting close to emotional burn out if you are not already there. Please look after yourself and cut yourself some slack concentrate on yourself and I hope you feel better soon:hugs:

[Washerwoman]

You are not a burden and you are equally as important as everyone else on this planet. You have a right to be happy so please don't think anything else. There are many people feeling the same as you on this site this evening and all wishing you strength and the courage to seek out help to sort your fears .

[elik]

I just feel like I'm trying so hard all the time to make sure I portray my morals and qualities but I'm like a robot. I don't air my feelings ever in case they change and I like two faced or whatever because I'm trying to reduce future guilt. So all I do is speak good and even if situations or people in my life aren't so good I don't talk about it because I know I won't do anything about it so what's the point I just look fake but it's more that I am incredibly understanding and forgiving but it is fact that I don't get treated great sometimes but I will not say anything to them so it's not fair of me to say it to others? So I just keep everything for me, lonely and self hating for the lack of knowing how to lead a life that's not over thought.

[dally]

Elik
I cannot believe how accurately your thoughts and feelings mirror my own.
In my case, it's because my husband keftcme after a 32 year marriage/40 year relationship. And now also awaiting results of a biopsy (which could potentially be cancerous).
I am 'acting' positive about the biopsy results so that everyone around me doesn't get 'burdened' with more of my anxiety after 9months of burden when my husband left me.

I am heartbroken, hurt, humiliated, shocked, stunned, in disbelief, sick to my core....yet feel I have to put on a coping persona, to protect others. I do this. But sometimes, it gets too much, and I wonder how long I can go on. My rational brain says I will accept things as i have no choice, and my thoughts and emotions will ease over time. Nine months and it's no easier. I'm just getting better at acting they way I think other people want to believe I'm feelng.
I do understand.
Even if we could stop considering other people and just try to mend our selves. That job seems just impossible most of he time.

Thinking of you

[Hopeyet]

Everyone has fears and apprehensions. You have as much right to express them as anyone else.

My best suggestion - and I know it's not easy - would be to create some time for you. Read a book, go for a jog (exercise is great for anxiety, no matter how much you feel up to doing...) or take some time to catch up with friends you haven't see for a while.

I hope you feel better soon.

[elik]

Thank you for your words. I frustratingly understand everything you all say I know it myself hence why I'm banging my head against the wall as I don't know how to overcome anything because I'm scared of myself and my thoughts that I can't trust the best way to go about things without finding a negative