Relapse-OCD fear of schizophrenia

[Chachi]

Hi,

So I posted on here about a week ago and kind of told my story in short. Basically I have a deep fear of developing schizophrenia. It's my biggest fear and I suppose that's why the OCD has such a tight hold on it. I know it sounds so horrible to say this but I'd rather have a terminal illness than be schizophrenic. That gives you an idea of how powerful my fear is.

So, I suppose my question/concern is.. I don't know if it's actually OCD or the onset of psychosis. Initially it was a fear of hearing voices, which was terrifying and lasted months, then it moved on to delusions. I'd have horrible intrusive thoughts and so I feared that I'd start to believe them. Mostly based on stuff I had read. 'What if your thoughts are being controlled?' That was a big one that was persistent. I then recognized it as only an intrusive thought because of the "what if" so naturally my clever brain eliminated the "what if" to just simply, 'your thoughts are being controlled'. I knew this was not true but it scared the crap out of me.

So basically it jumps themes. I got over becoming delusional but then it was my thought process. I'm always paying attention to my thoughts. Random thoughts, words etc. So I thought surely this is word salad and these incomplete thoughts will become voices that don't make any sense. This has subsided just a tad but still present.

My newest thing, which started last night was more intrusive thoughts. I'll make my inner voice try to sound like a man or someone scary. It's horrible. I'll do it to check to see if I can do it on command (So messed up and weird). Then I go almost numb with fear because it's all so weird. I really don't want this to be ongoing and constant for months. Then I question if it was me or maybe now I'm starting to hear voices. I plug my ears and don't hear anything but buzzing. My ears are always buzzing now.

I cannot believe that it has found something else to latch on to. It's like it's so desperate to stay and will find anything. The sad thing is the most illogical thing can send me spiraling down because I'm in this hypersensitive mode.

Last week, I would have thoughts and counter them with an instructive thought. Why???!!! Ugh. I'm convince people with OCD are smarter than most. Only a creative brain could come up with such madness.

Do you think me making my intrusive thoughts try to sound like a man or something scary is normal? Have other people done that? Thanks

[SLA]

Hi Chachi,

You've dug yourself into a deep hole, I can see that. I can relate to it too. Intrusive thoughts consumed my life and thinking for ages.

The positive news is that there is a way out of the hole, but you need to realise a few things.

The intrusive thoughts you are having are normal. But what is not normal is your over-blown reaction to them.

Rather than let them go, you are putting value on them, and playing games with them to try and test them. This will only fuel the fire.

First off, having a fear of being schizophrenic is normal under these circumstances is normal. I thought I was going schizophrenic too.

I'll copy my method for managing Intrusive Thoughts here, but I wrote about my full experience of them on my blog. here. (http://bit.ly/2enRieD)

1 – Label

Whenever I have an intrusive thought, I give it a name. They are called my “Pink Elephants” because of the example given in the blog article. Once you spot them, and label them as harmless, they lose all power and you can move on to stage 2.

2 – Accept

When they occur, accept them. They happen, and there is nothing you can do about them. When you start trying to resist them, it adds fuel to the fire. So label them, accept them and then…

3 – Move On

Carry on with whatever you were doing before hand. It might take you many attempts in the early days, if you are still new to having them. But persist with this strategy, and eventually they will go completely.

[Chachi]

Thank you for your response!

I actually thought, what if I gave my intrusive thoughts a name and then I flipped because I know people who are ill sometimes name their voices. So it just scared me. Sometimes I'll say "instructive thought!" As soon as one is forming but other times they come out of nowhere and so quickly.

I don't think I'm going crazy but I'm scared that I could be. My grandma had schiz. My dad said I'm nothing like her and she got sick in her early 20's. I'm 34. Sometimes I think I inherented mental llness from her. Like maybe I'm a little schiz. I just don't understand how one day I'm okay and then it all crumbles.

I've been doing CBT and I know not to give these thoughts value but it's almost like I have to make sure they're not real. Was that a voice or a thought? I guess by then I've already started rather than letting it go. It feels almost as if I constantly watch my thoughts I can prevent myself from going full on crazy.

I'm trying so hard to let my thoughts roll by but then a nastier one will come along. I've stop reading stuff online as I'll find I tend to mimick stuff I read about schiz.

I'll carry on and try to let my thoughts be thoughts no matter how bizarre, random or scary. Thank you again, I really appreciate it.