Im losing myself so quickly to anxiety

[Lucy1987]

Hi all, i apologise in advance for posting.
I have been having these awful thoughts lately about death, in particular, death of my fiancé. I have very little rational explanation for this though i feel the trigger came as a result of a car accident he was involved in about 6 weeks ago. He came out unscathed but noticeably shook, while my thoughts dived deep into what could have happened and how different the result could have been.
Before i continue let me remind you that i have given myself the "look on the bright side, he didn't die" chat 100 million times, I'm here because its not working, I'm losing myself in my thoughts.
Recently i have been waking up with these deep dark death thoughts consuming me, it hurts my throat, my chest, my body aches and i can do nothing but cry uncontrollably. Luckily i have been blessed with a man who allows me to express myself, whether it makes sense or not. He does his best to reassure me that all is well, but i am not convinced... well at least irrational, anxious me is not convinced. Normal me can't quite understand how i allowed myself to get to that stage, to such an upset, unconsolable state.
Honestly its almost as if i am mourning him, i squeeze him so tightly whilst i cry, hoping to never have to let go of him.
We live together and have had a relatively normal relationship until now, in fact i would argue that he was more anxious than me before this point, but now iv lost control. I literally cry at a sad song, get myself so worked up to the point where i can't come down.
I have grown up around my mum who has experienced anxiety and depression her whole life and iv done a psychology degree so i understand mental health is hereditary, but I'm so scared I'm going to turn into her, she has wasted so much time worrying when she should have been living.
I really need some help on coping mechanisms because at the moment I'm not managing at all, iv got an appointment with my GP to get started with CBT but I'm feeling quite alone (i don't speak to anyone but my boyfriend).
I am also quite stressed generally right now regarding money, further studies, deadlines all whilst trying to work full time and i feel a little like when I'm anxious in one area i tend to be anxious in all of them... does anyone else feel like this?
Thank you in advance for any help.

[RosieBelle]

Hi Lucy :)
It sounds like what has happened with your boyfriend has shook you up a bit and it will probably do you good to talk to someone about it. I can understand how upsetting it must have been for you, so please don't be hard on yourself. You just need time to recover from it.
You're never alone Lucy as you can always come on here and get out all your thoughts and feelings out and have someone to listen to you and to support you. The samaritans and Mind are good to contact as well if you need to talk to someone.
In regards to copinh mechanisms, I find distraction is good for keeping us busy and distracted from the anxious thoughts. Try and keep yourself busy with things you enjoy and try relaxatio techniques, such as meditation, breathing exercises etc...
See if you can reduce the stress levels in your life too. I get this as well where I'm stressed with work, I tend to have a recurrence of anxiety, so it's best to try and keep stress to a minumum.

Hope this helps :hugs:

[Washerwoman]

Yes I feel like that right now, one part of my brain knows it's totally irrational and unfortunately that is the part that loses the battle, the 'what if' side wins. I've recently admitted to myself that although I function completely normally (I have a lovely young family and job) that I have a side that tends to fixate on things that probably won't ever happen. I have a whole load of symptoms of other things going on too (OCD, panic attacks) which are usually not taking over my life but when a 'thing' happens (even something small but which seems bad) I get these awful feelings back. I don't unfortunately have any advise for how you can help yourself, what you've said about cbt and talking to people sounds good though, I will hopefully pluck up the courage to take your advise on that. I just wanted to let you know that you're absolutely not on your own, nor are you going to feel like this forever, it will pass and there is hope.

[Lucy1987]

Thank you, even waiting to get a response on here felt like hours, i was thinking great they all think I'm mental, i probably al mental, now iv just told everyone and all of them know I'm mental... when does this stop? I'm in over drive.
but seriously thank you, its not something iv ever felt comfortable talking about but i honestly do appreciate any and every reply on here... so nice to know that although its not normal, I'm not the only one feeling this way. I sometimes wish i could untangle my brain and rewire it to a way that fits who i think i am instead of who i really am! i just keep telling myself it will pass, it will pass, it will pass (when??shhhh) it will pass, it will pass...:hugs:

---------- Post added at 21:45 ---------- Previous post was at 21:43 ----------

i read a quote once the said "it is both a blessing and a curse, to feel everything, so very deeply" guess we're all in the same boat (I'm so glad there are others in this boat and not just me!!! though i feel so alone even the smallest message helps)

[Buster70]

Hi Lucy , 1.30 in the morning and wide awake form a nightmare , you are definitely not alone in the way you think I used to feel the same until I came across a site like this and I thought that's me as I read a few posts , I catastrophise a lot over family if something small happens my brain fast forwards to the worst case , I went through it when I was young for a while and got better for very long time but I wouldn't have believed it at the time , some of us don't deal well with stress and our brains go into overload hopfully things will calm down for you soon as the memory of what happened fades , take care Lucy you have your whole lives in front of you .