Harm OCD - Reached breaking point

[OCDSufferer23]

Hi everyone,

I've always had severe OCD, not stereotypical OCD, but intrusive thoughts and very distressing harm OCD. I've also suffered intermittently with anxiety and depression and have self-harmed in the past. I am currently taking 40mgs Citalopram daily, and have tried several different types of therapy in the past, including CBT, NLP and hypnotherapy.

A lot of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have been linked to my horse. I absolutely loved her to bits and she was my rock, but I used to get really horrible intrusive thoughts surrounding her.

Last week, for the first time ever, I had the intrusive thought 'Would it be easier if I just didn't have her, as, through no fault of her own, she causes me so much anxiety and she deserves so much better.' I would never sell her and I obviously didn't want any harm to come to her, but I just couldn't shake off this latest intrusive thought.

Just 2 days after this initial thought, for the first time in the 10 and a half years that we've owned her (we rescued her), she came down with awful colic and had to be put to sleep. She was 24 years old and incredibly fit and healthy before this.

I now cannot shake the thought that I caused this with my latest intrusive thought. I am driving myself insane with guilt and am not allowing myself to grieve properly. I genuinely believe that this is all my fault.

If it wasn't for my very supportive parents, partner and dog, then I really wouldn't want to be here anymore.

Thanks for reading xx

[SLA]

Sorry to hear about all of this. Especially your horse passing, as it was such an important part of your life.

The intrusive thoughts you have are in no way linked to the illness your horse had.

Thoughts like you had are normal. Our brains are continually scanning for threats. Sometimes those threats are irrational... "What if I killed my horse?"

When a thought like that comes in it usually triggers panic. "Why did I have that thought?!"

Then we worry about having more thoughts. That worry causes the thoughts to happen. Because our brain doesn't really know how to not think.

You are putting too much value, and identification on your thoughts.

I went through the same harm OCD, and it was THE WORST. Because I felt like the only way I could protect the people I loved was to kill myself.

But I saw the light. The thoughts are not yours, and you don't need to react.

I wrote about my experience on my blog (http://bit.ly/2enRieD), and did a video (http://bit.ly/2dfFqvb) which you might like. I do not make any money from these, it's purely a project to share my experience.