looking4answers
01-04-07, 04:00
I wasn't feeling well last night..not sure exactly why.I had a night like most nights chatting on the computer..I woke in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom and my eyes looked blood red,like someone with a bad allergy..I went back to bed and awoke a few hours later with a pain in the back of my neck that felt like someone had hit me with a baseball bat..I am the one that hears his pulse in his head all the time and it seems to radiate from this area...I worry because it makes me think there is anuyrism waiting to burst there or a artery that is not quite right.I checked my pulse and it was beating faster than normal.I admit that well maybe I was sleeping to weird high on the pillow with my head turned and that could have been the cause but still i worry.. I took my beta blocker and went back to sleep..Today I just havent felt well and woke just a little later than normal but went out and fed the animals with little or no effort and didnt think much about it..I came back in and got on the computer and felt so depressed I just had nothing that I wanted to do online and felt just desolate and lonely and just sad..I didnt want to do anything.Could this have just been depression or was it that I wasnt feeling well to start with? I laid down for a while and stared outside it was a beautiful day but very windy making it a little colder than it would have been..I just laid there with nothing positive to think..Just feeling out of sorts..I took my antidepression med and next thing I know I was jerking out of a sleep..I went back to sleep and woke in a jerk again.This isnt unusual for me at all at night but as I laid there I was thinking I just want to sleep..I slept most of the afternoon just waking to drink a little water and go back to sleep.I woke at 730 to feed the animals and check on them and started huffing and puffing like I couldnt breathe well .. then laid down and my heart settled down for a bit..I was feeling kind of yucky and well got up and took a shower.The whole time I was in the shower I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me to slept all day ..It gives you the creeps to do that .. and then nightfall comes and you are kind of lost..I have a good friend that was on the computer with me last night early in the evening and we were talking about all kinds of things which is odd since they only live three miles away..She is open and will tell me for sure what she thinks..She was drinking and kept telling me you arent sick there is nothing wrong with you except you need to get up and get out ....She then told me what is wrong with you?She said you werent like this when I met you..I told her I didnt know and I was trying hard to figure that out and to make it go away..That thought stuck with me all night.. she called and gave me a pep talk and told me hey you are fine you are just getting older and stuff..but still the thought that she had said I wasnt like that when she met me was bizarre..I havent known them even a year and realized yes I have changed..Anyway I got off the phone with them and then saw another friend that is a nurse that I was chatting with and she tells me from what she knows of my history and such she agrees 100 percent with the other nurse..Ok they know im not sick or say they know and I feel that im a fairly intelligent person that loves life.. So why do I always feel this way or that way ..It just makes me think im crazy and for me to sleep the day away just isnt like me at all.. Am I really sick and my body is trying to tell me that im sick and my mind is pretending its anxiety or am I fine like they seem to think and my mind is telling me im sick..I have been more depressed today since this than most anyday in a long time.I got out of the shower thinking about it and started to cry ..I saw things that reminded me of my grandchildren and well it made me sad..I thought about fishing plans that a friend of mine has made for us in the spring and wondered if i would be here to join him..I am so scared tonight .. I usualy dont feel like this and I am questioning myself so much as to why I feel this way ..this just isnt me..And as I said for me to sleep all day just isnt me..Could I really have some kind of artery condition or could I just be depressed or maybe just didnt sleep that well last night? Please help me. Tell me something to make me feel better..Could my body just be getting older and im noticing things that i used to not notice or could there be some horrible change going on that I am not aware of only the symptoms or could I just be frustrated with my life.. and depression is hitting me hard fast and heavy.? Please share with me your thoughts..Help please? Im scared.