View Full Version : Doing my best to not go down that road again
So I had a really bad bout of HA a few years ago. I wound up with gastritis (advil is a trigger, and I had been nursing chronic stress headaches), while living in a very emotionally toxic situation. It took almost 4 months to finally come around to where I could be okay. And then another month until the gastritis finally cleared up. At the time, I was constantly freaking out that I had appendicitis, or that my stomach was going to burst, or that I couldn't swallow and was going to get throat cancer from reflux, etc. etc. etc. on and on. I was so tense at the time that my legs would shake, and when I finally started to relax I had painful spots all over my legs, abs, and back.
I've been good for some time. But the past 5 months or so have been extremely stressful. Between my cat almost dying and having to undergo major surgery, restructuring at work, insurance woes, and a few household disasters, I'm just about spent. Then, last week, I developed a painful spasm in my lower right abdomen that just wouldn't go away. So three days later I wound up calling TeleHealth which said to get it checked out. The only option here on a weekend was emerg, so off I went. The doc was quite serious about ruling out appendicitis, but also seemed to think that wasn't what it was. I had an ultrasound (which, quite frankly, having to pee so bad while traveling an hour down a bumpy road, was more painful than the pain I initially was to emerg for). Three days after that I got the ultrasound results - they couldn't see my appendix, but at this point my initial pain has subsided anyway. Bloods and urine were fine too. No fever. No jumping off the table with pain when palpated. Oh, and my period started which seemed to decrease a lot of the panic for a day or two.
Thing is, in between all this - the pain, emerg, waiting for the ultrasound, and waiting for the results - my muscles (abs, thighs, etc.) have been so tight that I'm now experience all sort of OTHER pain that is likely a culprit of bad posture and really irritated tissues. Including around my right hip, which is - you can see where I'm going - right near the lower right quadrant. And of course, HA has me super sensitive to all pain and sensations in that region. Plus, when I was all wigged out I wasn't eating AND I was taking advil (hello gastritis).
So, right now I am trying to concentrate on my posture, relax my muscles, not google anything unless it has to do with yoga and massage or kittens, and eat right. I'm laying off coffee for a little while (for the stomach and to avoid the stimulant). I'm trying to not watch troubling tv (the Clinton/Trump debate and the most recent episode of Masters of Sex were bad ideas). I'll likely follow up with the doc next week and maybe see about getting referred to a good gyno (because I feel there was a pms component here too, corroborated by my mother who may have also experienced the initial pain I was experiencing when she was my age - she's fine).
I think I'm doing all the right things... but man my mind really wants to go down that road and take my body with it. As soon as it gets quiet and I'm not distracted I can feel the pull. It also doesn't help that I have a nosy coworker who seems to show great joy when offering unsolicited sympathy and useless advice to the possibly dying :rolleyes:
Anyway, I just wanted to get that all out somewhere where people understand. Thanks for listening.
I had a bit of a rough patch tonight. I was stupid and took my temp when I KNEW I had worked all day in a warm stuffy office and drove home with my seat warmer on. So of course my temp was up about a degree - not even. But that sent me into an inventory of al my tender spots, which will only get more tender if I keep poking them. It's that whole Groucho Marx shtick of "Hey doc it hurts when I do this."
So I've sat here shaking for about 45 minutes and am finally calmed down a bit. I feel like this is a set back. :( Anyone else get really impatient with themselves at times like these?
Up and down yesterday but went to bed feeling pretty normal. Have been working on my posture and realizing how much discomfort I have from leaning to my right all the time (from heavy purse, using a mouse, driving and leaning on the arm rest, even using my phone). So there's some relief there. Problem now is I'm dreaming a lot - so I'm waking up in the night and each time I wake up I feel panic. I'm also quite gassy in my guts which causes twinges - left and right, but the right ones I focus on.
I also pulled my groin a bit on that side too - too aggressively stretching already tense muscles. I felt it when I did it so I keep reminding myself that some of my discomfort is now self inflicted. Well, it all might be I guess.
Thing is, as pain goes they barely rate. I had a foot cramp that was 10x worse than any discomfort I'm feeling in my guts and I'd rate the foot cramp 3-4/10 and kept walking. Why the heck am I so obsessed with a transient gas bubble that causes a twinge thinking it could be appendicitis?
I also keep checking my temperature. I need to stop that but it is reassuring that it's the low end of normal (which is normal for me).
I'm just going to keep replying to myself. I hope no one minds. It helps to get it out
Last night I dreamed a lot and kept waking up. Which is bothersome because I feel panicked when I wake up. Was starting to feel somewhat normal and my husband left for a job. I went behind the tv to reset out router and when coming out bumped the side of my head. So of course, even though I've done the same thing before and worse I panicked.
I did Google, which is bad, but I did find some assurance that given it was a minor bump it is extraordinarily uncommon for anything bad to happen. Given that I've done worse falling off swing sets and hitting my head off stone fireplaces, I'm likely okay. Just a small sore spot where I hit.
I called my mom and had a long talk with her. I used to write all the time. She says I don't anymore and should start again because she thinks it's helped me as a kid (she never read the stupid stories I wrote but she knew I spent a lot of time writing). Maybe that's why this is helping. I also had a good cry.
I'm trying not to give myself a headache over all of this. Which is easy because I am prone to them. Last thing I need is a self fulfilling prophecy. I've been outside the past 3 hours walking and sitting and puttering. Trying not to test the sore spot on my head. Now I'm trying to relax with a bit of lunch.
Alright. The battle continues. Thanks for listening.
Now for the evening part of the show. Seems like the sun goes down and the anxiety creeps in. Still worried/trying not to be worried about my head. Have a mild headache that feels sinus-like (which is normal for me, I have bad sinuses and have been stuffy lately, but of course something in me is going "but could it be from...?"). And I suppose it still could be - lots of muscles there to tense up and create problems. And the post I smacked was a boney part where some big head muscles attach to.
I also feel ill... but I haven't eaten much today and I left it too long to eat dinner. Plus anxiety. I figure if I really puke then that's a sign. As bad as I feel when I'm anxious, I'm usually not puking anxious.
I did have some really normal feeling moments today though. So I'm holding on to that.
Rough morning this morning. I went to bed last night with reflux. I had a poor sleep filled with strange dreams. At some point I was woken up by an owl outside. When it was time to get up, I felt nauseated and headachey. I have eye strain and sinus congestion, but both feel different because of the anxiety. I've gone back and looked at old posts here, and I can see this is what happened before.
I knew I had to eat something, so my husband made me peanut butter on toast. The smell of toast has made me gag lately, so I waited until I got to work to eat it. The drive in was actually pretty okay. My work nemesis (the one who looks at me like I might die before asking me how I am feeling) was right there when I walked through the door.
I managed to eat my sandwich and drink my tea. My mom took me out this morning for tea and a treat. I went for a walk and got some vitamin D from the pharmacy and took a couple of those. I finally broke down and took an advil for the headache. I have some food in me, and I think I'm having a normal moment. Hoping this lasts.
Work is good. It keeps me focused on something that isn't me.
I was doing so well. I went to my GP yesterday. I explained the anxiety part, etc. He's referring me to a social worker. That's all good. The initial abdominal pain that I had gone in for and had the ultrasound for is well and truly gone, but replaced by the abdominal sensations that come with anxiety. I've had a lot of this before, it's all transient, not especially painful, and still wigs the hell out of me. The doc acknowledged that anxiety can make me hyper aware of those sensations, what pain they would actually consider a concern, and that some of this can also be muscular (which I have been thinking as well).
Aside from some slight anxiety about my flu shot, I ended the day thinking I had this licked. I meditated and was feeling good.
This morning I felt pretty good too, until I got out of bed and I had this strange sensation in my abdomen like I had a big lump in there. Pushing on it didn't cause any pain. I went to the toilet. Went back to bed and the feeling went away. So it was only when I was standing up. I started to shake and cry and forced myself not to google "bowel obstruction". The sensation has mostly subsided. I do believe it is muscular (my abs, thighs, butt, and back have all been through the ringer with this). But there's that little nagging feeling still.
I went for a walk at lunch in the park. Meditated. I've been working on getting up and switching chairs as much as possible.
I have a really long day tomorrow with training out of town. I'm worried that I'll feel crappy again tomorrow morning when I can't afford to be. I'm hoping that I'll just get out there and do the things I need to do. If I believed in God I would pray. But I don't. I just need to keep remembering that I got this, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
Kathryn313
26-10-16, 20:32
Just a quick message to say that your posts are really interesting to read through. I do something similar and it's nice when someone says keep doing it (so you don't feel that you are annoying people, can assure you that you are not)
Hope things get better soon, well done on the walking and mediation. Definately helps.
Thanks Kathryn :)
This afternoon I left work early because I'm up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Still dealing with the abdominal stuff, but also now have hip and knee pain. Muscles muscles muscles. Now that I'm sitting and relaxing I'm getting very twitchy muscles. I've been here before. Using muscles after prolonged tension = twitches.
In possibly weird good news - when I'm not in this totally overblown state of anxiety I get something I've always playfully referred to as lizard skin. Basically, stress breakouts. When I'm in super bad anxiety mode I don't get lizard skin at all - don't know if it's the high cortisol or what but my skin stays pretty clear. I have lizard skin. So maybe the cortisol is coming down some? I'm taking it as a good sign - never have I longed for "normal stress" so much.
I've had a couple victories too - I feel good about laughing at my knee pain. And the mystery cramp in my foot. I'm eating a bit better too, though lightly. Scrambled eggs, carrots and bananas are now staples that cannot be done without. Still losing weight, but not in an unreasonable way.
What a day yesterday. I had to get up at 5:30 to leave for training for 6:15 with two other people. Customer service and de-escalation training through our mental health agency. The weather called for snow overnight and into the morning, but there wasn't much, so I felt a little better driving. Got a short meditation in before leaving too.
The training was good, but the usual uncomfortable chairs and poor lighting had me feeling low, and by the end of the day I was getting sore and my anxiety was pushing up. Also, I hadn't come prepared and there was no herbal teas, so I had to drink plain water all day. Luckily, there was some mindfulness training thrown in, so we did get some breathing exercises that made me feel a bit better.
The weather got worse through the day, and by the time the workshop ended we really just wanted to go home so we didn't stop for dinner. I was nervous about going up the main highway, but that turned out okay because it had been salted, so it was just wet. But when we got closer to home it was clear that none of the roads had been salted or ploughed, and the snow had accumulated over a slippery layer of icy slush. It took us an extra hour to get home - so it was dark for much of that drive. Thank goodness my husband put the snow tires on the car or it would have been a nightmare.
I'm alright. i got through it. I was just really wound up when I got home, had a headache, was really sore, and needed food in order to take some advil. I'm still headachy this morning, so am going to have a bit more of a snooze before going into work.
I just want my body to stop aching, especially my abdominal muscles. The doctor does not feel that I have anything seriously wrong in there, and the problems I'm experience now are completely different from what initially triggered my HA. They are very clearly (when I think about them rationally) sore spots on my abdomen, not in it. They are worse when I tense, or sit poorly, and I can feel them when I stretch. The doc clearly doesn't think I have anything wrong enough in there to warrant the radiation exposure from a CT scan. But I still have these niggles that plague me when I'm low - everything from I'm silently disintegrating inside to something's going to sneakily burst.
I'll get there, I know. I need to have patience while my body relaxes and my muscles heal. Right now it feels foreign to me, right down to how my belly fat feels when I lay in certain positions (I'm not really fat, but I have some tummy flab that comes with domestication :p). It's bizarre and off putting.
Alright, snooze time. I have a busy day at work (as usual), but nothing too stressful.
Another set back. Yesterday I went into work which was hard after such a trying day yesterday. I meditated in the morning which helped a bit. But I found through the day I was irritable and restless. However I tried I couldn't shake the different sensations in my gut. Again, nothing particularly painful or lasting - but still setting of my anxiety.
My mother and sister came and got me for lunch. I had carrot soup which - in retrospect - may have been a bit too acidic. But I ate most of it with a roll and some tea. I was wiped by the time I got home, but tried to do some gentle exercise. When I lay down on the bed I realized I was gassy. Neither my husband or I had much energy so we ate leftover pizza for dinner. Very soon I had horrible gas and urgently had to go to the toilet (at our house we call this the flitz - not full on diarrhea, but very loose and urgent bm). This of course all set off my anxiety and I went to lay down. This made me feel a bit better, but then I fell asleep and felt really groggy and oogy when I woke up (not unusual, I'm not a good napper).
Of course, this early to bed meant I woke up around 2am. After I woke up I had that urgent need for the toilet again. Then flitzed a second time at around 5:30am. So this all had me very upset and I started shaking. Plus my back and hip started to hurt - probably all leftovers from the drive on Thursday and my brief foray into exercise. I managed to sleep in until around 9. Still felt really shaky and anxious, but got up and took a shower and came down to some eggs. I've ate about half of that now, but it's really hard when I'm this way to eat anything. I am the epitome of fat and happy - well, when I'm happy I guess.
As this was all going on, my cat tried to sit with me on the couch, but slipped off when he couldn't find a spot to lay down. He landed on the floor with a pretty spectacular thud. He's fine, but that started me balling.
My husband doesn't know what to do with me. I'm so afraid that at some point he's just going to stop putting up with it and leave me. I try to explain that I am trying, and how hard it is, but he doesn't understand how it feels.
I just had another 10 minute meditation. It does help for a bit. I'm going to try finishing my tea and go from there. I have an appointment with the social worker, but it's not until the 24th.
---------- Post added at 16:30 ---------- Previous post was at 14:37 ----------
Emailed my former yoga instructor. I haven't been in quite a while and explained what I am going through. Going back a week Monday. Called my mom and cried a lot. Talked about what this might be stemming from. She thinks unequivocally it is stemming from almost losing my cat - or as she put it, for the first time almost losing someone I really love. Sounds silly when I type it out but it is true I think. I've lost a grandparent but that was at a young age. I've lost schoolmates I was fond of or friendly with. I've lost clients in my work. But this cat is like my baby, so him being so sick was maybe harder than I really gave it credit for.
I just did 10 minutes on the stationary bike. Trying to gently loosen my hips and give myself short consistent periods of movement. Now I'm lying on the guest bed with the cat purring beside me. Feeling my muscles twitch from the movement. That's okay. I know what that is.
This is hard. I keep saying that, but I think mostly to remind myself that it's true, and that I need to have patience with myself.
Kathryn313
29-10-16, 19:51
You are doing great. Keep going. The yoga should help.
Thanks Kathryn, I appreciate the kind words. I hope you are doing okay!
Mornings are still hard. Yesterday morning I had a tough time, but got myself out of bed, showered and ate some. The rest of the day was spent puttering around, alternating between doing something, laying flat and relaxing my muscles, and watching television.
I actually cooked yesterday - and not just something quick and easy, but something that took some prep and time.
Last night I had a bit of a hard time. I keep waking in the night, and then I'm aware of my guts. I had some gas bubbles in there I could really feel, which wigged me out. Probably from nervous swallowing. So I massaged my tummy gently and changed position which helped. When I woke up this morning I was panicky. But I got myself going, and had a tea and toast on the road.
Today I walked in the park at lunch.
Some of my aches are subsiding, but I'm also getting new ones. Today I'm noticing there is irritated tissue below my armpits. "Lymph nodes!" anxiety me shouts. But there are no lumps, it's just sore when I really push. So I'm assuming it's like every other sore spot on my body. A trigger point of tense nervy tissue. These wigged me out last time I was like this. I'll see if they resolve in a few weeks, which is what a doc is going to tell me to do anyway.
At home I'm being very careful about wearing soft loose clothing too, so back at work today and I can feel every stitch. Bra is especially annoying me today.
My throat is a little achy today too. I have been around a few people with colds, but am hoping it's just from nervous swallowing. Drinking lots helps - tea, tepid water, eating yogurt. Lets me swallow without just swallowing air which then causes my gut problems.
I'm hesitant to say I'm approaching success in licking this latest bout, but this is feeling a lot like the last days of my last episode a few years ago. Where because I'm letting a lot of what was bothering me go, anxiety is throwing it's last volleys at me. "Feeling better eh? What about THIS ache below the armpit? Or this sore throat? Rationalize THAT!"
Going to take a bath tonight, try and soak the soreness out of my muscles and relax. I'm hoping that I can keep this up and continue to feel a bit better day after day. But I am not taking it for granted that I won't have another set back.
Past couple days have been busy, and up and down physically and emotionally.
My pain has become more localized to the muscles. I think that's because my guts have calmed down enough that their discomfort is not being conflated with the muscular discomfort. I'm trying not to over self monitor - but I am seeing a more direct correlation with where I'm carrying tension and when I feel pain. Deep belly breathing is helping - I read that will help relax the pelvic floor muscles.
I really did a hatchet job on the inside of my mouth with some sharp toast. I feel like I have a swollen gland because of it - which isn't unusual, but could also be muscle strain from nervous swallowing. I'm trying not to swallow unnecessarily. To give some perspective, when meditating I can go the full 10 - 15 minutes without swallowing at all or feeling the need to, when I'm worked up I might swallow once every 30 seconds. No wonder I'm sore in the neck and jaw area. Plus clenching, don't forget clenching. Anyway, swishing with salt water for the mouth abrasions.
We're having a really hard time with our house right now - basically talking to lawyers and insurance companies which isn't fun. My husband is upset about it, and I'm trying to be less of a basket case for him, but bottling up my neuroses doesn't help either myself or him. I had a howling cry this morning, which upsets him. But this morning as I was apologizing after my tears he said that if it made me feel better then to cry all I wanted, just as long as I was there with him going through this house stuff. I think that's a fair bargain.
Otherwise, warm baths, laying flat, and moving throughout the day is helping with the hip and abdominal pain. I still have that nagging feeling that something other than muscular is wrong, but I feel like if it were it would escalate and I would feel markedly bad as opposed to this vague "I think something is wrong but I can't put my finger on it." Last time I went through this, I went through so many tests and everything came up clear, so I don't know why I'm expecting a different result given the lead up to this was - in retrospect - fairly similar.
The only thing I've been researching is information about muscles and how to cope with muscle tension, and there are some deep internal muscles that can cause all sorts of discomfort. The primary solution to that discomfort? Meditation, relaxation, warm baths and compresses. So there's my prescription.
I keep asking myself when is it time to phone the gp. There are other things I would like to talk about, but I feel like I need to work this out first.
Feeling low today. I'm catching myself holding tension my hip and side which is making them achy. I woke up panicky this morning, but got on with it and fit in a 15 minute meditation before driving to work. My shoulder is really sore, like I pulled it or something.
My husband makes me toast every morning and wraps it in a paper towel for me to take to work. This morning he wrote "I love you" on it :) I texted him to let him know I was feeling low. He reminded me that we were up for a couple hours in the night (he has trouble sleeping between being arthritic and stresses about the house). He then said "You are doing better than you were even a week ago. Give yourself a break." and reminded me to take my vitamin D.
That was really really nice. It meant a lot to me that he's noticed, because I know he's been frustrated and worried about me. So, I'm having a low day but that's okay.
Kathryn313
03-11-16, 23:47
That's a nice post EKB (the supportive husband bit). Keep going. Sorry it's tough for you at the moment.x
Today was pretty okay. Last night I really nursed my right side with the heating pad, and ground into the knot in my shoulder with a pingpong ball. I think it helped because while I am still tight on that side a bit, it was much improved.
I've moved my mouse to the left at work. I am a left-handed writer, but am ambidextrous in most other things (depends on how I learn and what the task is). I was reading how cashiers can develop muscle imbalances because they turn in the same direction up to 8 hours a day for days on end. So I thought this isn't going to get better if I keep doing the same repetitive moves, so move the mouse over. I actually noticed that my left shoulder now creeps up through the day since I've moved things - so I can totally see how I'm unbalanced physically, which is taking it's toll now mentally. :p I'm also getting up at least once every hour, using a Chrome extension to remind me.
I'm still not drinking coffee, but I've been drinking tea lattes from a local coffee shop that I really like. Bit of an expensive habit, but it gets me out on a walk and the vitamin D in the milk is good for me.
I purchased a year's subscription to Headspace after I found a coupon code for 3 months free. I am meditating twice a day - a ten minute in the morning (to get past morning anxiety), and a fifteen minute when I get home from work. In the past, when I got through the door at home after work I would immediately start dinner - sometimes without my shoes being off yet. Now I am going up to the bedroom, changing into some soft clothes, and meditating. My husband has been very good about the meditation, giving me time and space to do it. In the meditation I'm on now, they talk about intention and thinking about why I am meditating, and who for. The primary reason is so that I can feel better. But I want to feel better not just for me, but for my family. Anyway, money well spent I think given I'm not paying for private therapy.
Bath time tonight! Bath time is a bit of a planned affair because we are on a septic. I'm looking forward to bath time.
So, I'm not 100% by any means, but today was a much better day than I've had in awhile and makes me feel like the small things I am doing are helping.
Engaged in some unhelpful self-checking last night, so had a bit of a moment. Came around by bedtime though. I've been really good about not Googling symptoms, and remain good about it.
I'm at that point now where the anxiety and physical symptoms seem to be separating. Where any belief that there is something seriously physically wrong with me clearly has no basis in reality, and the knowledge that this is all a consequence of being over stressed, over tired, and not having a proper outlet is completely within the realm of reality. Yet every so often I get that low-level hum of anxiety and this feeling like there must be something wrong. So clearly I have more work to do.
Did a lot of house cleaning today. Tomorrow I have family coming over for lunch which will be nice.
Things have been going fairly well lately. I have done 19 days of meditation, sometimes once sometimes twice a day. I am starting yoga again tonight.
Mornings are still challenging, but I'm starting to get the hang of the anxiety peak that comes with them. For me the solution is shower, meditate, tea, food, repeat. Sunday was hard for me because I slept in - so I was over hungry which made me nauseated and discombobulated. So, I think as much as I like sleeping in, I need to get up at my usual time and eat. Even then, I can lay around in bed a bit more after I get something in my tummy.
Today I had that urge to call the GP again. But then I thought "For what?" I'm actually feeling quite a bit better. Even my trigger points are lessening in how much they bother me. Gut wise and energy wise I'm actually feeling quite a bit improved.
I did give in to googling "grumbling appendicitis" which I shouldn't have done. But I did manage to rationalize that this is certainly not that (any pain I have is intermittent, it's worse when I'm sitting for long periods, does not worsen with activity and if anything feels better when I'm walking or moving around). But, googling is always a mistake, so I am owning that one.
We'll see how yoga feels tonight. I am an intensely practical person, and not into the spiritual aspects of yoga or meditation. But I see value in the practice from a practical standpoint. So hopefully I can really focus on the practical and get that benefit.
I'm enjoying the meditation. I see it as a way to help stop that sort of mind churn that happens when you can't shake those thoughts of something being wrong. Headspace is a good app for me because it keeps it practical.
I don't feel like I'm all the way there yet, but I feel like I am finally making some real headway. I have to continue to be kind to myself.
Wow yoga was intense for me last night. I was actually nervous going. First because my husband decided to make mac n' cheese for supper and I had a very small portion before going - so I was afraid of digestion issues (mainly reflux when bending over).
Mainly though, I was scared of doing something I wasn't sure my body could do in the state that it's in. Keeping in mind that my HA is still trying to convince me that I'm deathly ill, something in me was trying to tell me that twisting and bending and stretching my body was going to somehow make something in me pop loose or break. So when I got to yoga class I was very tense.
The class I go to uses lots of props for support but is very exacting in terms of what body parts are supposed to do what. So if the aim is to be able to bend and touch the floor, but you can only accomplish that by doing the pose incorrectly, then the correction is to do the pose correctly and maybe bend less to touch a block or a chair. So it really targets the weak spots in your body because they aren't allowed off the hook from other body parts compensating for their weakness.
Some of my current trouble spots were in the direct line of fire of our workout last night. My right side has been really tight which has been a source of anxiety for me because it was right side pain that initially sent me to emerg at the beginning of all this. The first couple of poses were bending backward which felt crazy because anxiety has made me hunch forward. Then we did some hip work, which on me are very tight and strained from sitting at a desk and driving too much - I almost cried during this, but not because it really hurt or anything. There is a somewhat woo concept that the hips are the seat of your emotions, and hip work often causes emotions to bubble up to the surface. Woo or no, I certainly felt it. I've read less-woo articles elsewhere that talk about the deep internal muscles in the hip being very unpleasant and agitating to stretch and massage, which would have an equal effect I would think. Another one that made me edgy was some of the abdominal work we did - my right oblique muscles (which again, HA keeps whispering kidneys to me) in particular had words with me - but again, a comfort because use + pain = muscular.
I felt pretty okay afterword, and went to bed fine. But I woke up at 2am after a dream and was very agitated. Got up, went pee, and managed to settle back into sleep. This morning I was really agitated again when I woke. My right side, which I had felt was loosening up a bit having changed the ergonomics of my desk, was very tight again. But I did my thing - shower, meditate, tea, eat. Then I got cocky and went to work and tried to have a cup of coffee. Three sips in and I was vibrating. So that ended that.
Through the day I have felt a bit better. My left side is now sore in many of the same ways my right side is now. Which is a comfort because it logically flies in the face of anything other than muscular being the source of discomfort. Another chat with mom today (because everything went off the rails and a near forgotten meeting meant I was in another town and my lunch still at the office when I needed it, so it was PB and toast at mom's to tide me over) revealed she has had much the same discomfort.
Anyway, that's enough of this long post. Partly I want to document this because I do need to email my instructor in a few days to let her know how things in my body settled out after class. No yoga next week, but the week after. Probably good to ease in.
It's all a process. There is no magic bullet to make us feel better. Just many small steps that don't always feel good right away.
:hugs:
Sorry to here this EKB.
It's all a process. There is no magic bullet to make us feel better. Just many small steps that don't always feel good right away.
This is 100% spot on.
Some days we just feel crap for no obvious reason.
The thing I always say is don't beat yourself up if you are already feeling bad.
Accept that today is not a great day, and decide to go easy on yourself.
Hope you feel better soon.
Accept that today is not a great day, and decide to go easy on yourself.
Thanks SLA, I will endeavor to do just that.
I know it's the news from south of the border that is getting to me. I'm being swept up in the collective angst.
So yes, today is not a great day. And that's okay.
Thank-you for your kind words :)
Well that was a tough long day. But I can say I'm feeling a bit better. I had meditated somewhat unsuccessfully in the morning, so I went out into the park at lunch and after 3
attempts to find a bench that had enough sun on it to not freeze my derrière (it was cold today!) I managed to get 15 minutes in. It was actually very nice. Although the wind was cold, the sun was so bright.
A late meeting meant I was hungry on the way home, which made me edgy driving in the dark. But I just powered through and made some eggs and got that in me. Husband and I are spending a low stimulus evening away from tv and the news. Which is good.
Hey EKB sound like you had a better day :) Like the fact that the Tv and the news took a back seat! I bet it made all the difference to your evening!! Too many people including my self watch far too much Tv (which is sad!!!) Enjoy your day!!
Hey EKB sound like you had a better day :) Like the fact that the Tv and the news took a back seat! I bet it made all the difference to your evening!! Too many people including my self watch far too much Tv (which is sad!!!) Enjoy your day!!
Thanks Bigboyuk. It really did help. We actually didn't start watching the news again in any big way until yesterday. And I think I'm going to take a break from it this weekend again. Do some reading, writing, cooking.
---
I started worrying about my physical discomfort again. I'm not even really going to call it pain. There is pain, but it's minor and intermittent. But then I started cataloguing all the changes that I've made to my body since my anxiety set in, in an effort to fix the discomfort I was feeling. And it totally stands to reason that parts of my body are unhappy with me for shifting a position I've been holding myself in for the better part of the day daily for two years, for being more aware of my posture and engaging previously lazy muscles to hold me up straight, for not constantly sucking in my abdomen because of being self conscious about my weight (embrace that Buddha belly!) - of course new hurts have replaced old hurts.
One of the more stubborn sources of discomfort right now is my hip. But I know that will take time. I've abused these muscles with a desk job for too long to expect a turnaround in a few weeks.
If I don't fixate on what's bugging me right now, I can honestly say things are loosening up. It's truly astonishing the damage anxiety, and the precursors to triggering that anxiety, can do to a body.
I'm using my lessons from last weekend and making sure I eat before I get too hungry. Especially since last night I felt unwell - edgy and vibrating. Not sure if it was a result of not eating enough protein, watching the news again, or my newly freed up core muscles making me feel all loosey goosey.
I see the social worker in two weeks. I'm trying to figure out what to say. I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle in terms of not letting this get so acute for a third time. Well, I have time to figure that out I guess.
Iam glad for you EKB :) it certainly won't do any harm missing the news too much bad stuff that will only hinder any recovery!! That's the thing the discomforts that are fixed get replaced by something else amiss a bit like a leaking roof you get one bit sorted and there is still water getting in LOL Prehaps make some notes prior to seeing your SW Its certainly like a jigsaw puzzle and trying to find that last piece is nighmare have a great week end :) Cheers
Thanks Bigboyuk. It really did help. We actually didn't start watching the news again in any big way until yesterday. And I think I'm going to take a break from it this weekend again. Do some reading, writing, cooking.
---
I started worrying about my physical discomfort again. I'm not even really going to call it pain. There is pain, but it's minor and intermittent. But then I started cataloguing all the changes that I've made to my body since my anxiety set in, in an effort to fix the discomfort I was feeling. And it totally stands to reason that parts of my body are unhappy with me for shifting a position I've been holding myself in for the better part of the day daily for two years, for being more aware of my posture and engaging previously lazy muscles to hold me up straight, for not constantly sucking in my abdomen because of being self conscious about my weight (embrace that Buddha belly!) - of course new hurts have replaced old hurts.
One of the more stubborn sources of discomfort right now is my hip. But I know that will take time. I've abused these muscles with a desk job for too long to expect a turnaround in a few weeks.
If I don't fixate on what's bugging me right now, I can honestly say things are loosening up. It's truly astonishing the damage anxiety, and the precursors to triggering that anxiety, can do to a body.
I'm using my lessons from last weekend and making sure I eat before I get too hungry. Especially since last night I felt unwell - edgy and vibrating. Not sure if it was a result of not eating enough protein, watching the news again, or my newly freed up core muscles making me feel all loosey goosey.
I see the social worker in two weeks. I'm trying to figure out what to say. I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle in terms of not letting this get so acute for a third time. Well, I have time to figure that out I guess.
The weekend went pretty well. My yoga instructor has been very kind and has given me instructions for home practice to help me. She said for every year of the thing you are trying to correct, it takes a month of daily practice to do it. So, I think I have my work cut out for me. It means I need to be patient. I started some home practice based on her instructions and I'm feeling it a bit today. Trying to adjust the ergonomics of my desk to help things too.
I've been reading a lot about pain and posture, which - if I'm being honest with myself - is a substitute habit for googling symptoms, albeit a productive one because I do have posture related pain! So, it has been helpful. The site I go to is painscience.com, and the guy even writes a bit about depression (which he has had) and anxiety as it relates to pain and posture. He steers clear of anything too woo, rather talks about things as being either helpful or not helpful, or in terms of being harmless to try. His writing even makes me laugh once and awhile, which is good.
I'm on day 27 of meditating. Some days I do better at it then others. I wouldn't say I've had a meditation where I've been 100% successful at not squirming or my mind wandering, but I've certainly had minutes of where I could feel that I had that focus and my mind felt like it had stopped churning. This morning I was in that zone until my cat jumped up on the bed where I was sitting cross legged and started asking for attention. I didn't complain, cats are good therapy too.
I actually ran into the SW at an event this weekend. I live in a small place, so it can be a bit awkward. She actually made a point of coming over to say hi. She's very kind. I'm sure she knows we have an appointment coming up, but didn't let on. Kind and professional.
I had a text chat with my sister - she's overworked and going through some high stress (both happy and not happy) life events. It was good to commiserate. I sent her a free gift coupon for the meditation app I've been using.
When I look back at what I write, it looks like I am actually doing okay. Though there are moments when I feel anything but. Patience patience patience. I have it in spades with others, but I need to have it with myself.
Kathryn313
15-11-16, 08:23
Keep going.x
Mummytofour
15-11-16, 10:48
Hi, have just read through your posts. Glad to hear your feeling a bit better. Found it interesting to read and follow your thought patterns on your aches and pains etc as I am currently feeling all the muscular aches and pains which I am are is from tensing up so much through the day trying to control the anxiety but there's always that niggling thought of 'what if' that rears its ugly head at times. Hope you carry on feeling better x
Thanks Mummytofour. I'm feeling that niggling 'what if' a bit today myself. I did some yoga last night which highlighted an ache that I've been trying not to fixate on, and then had anxious dreams last night. I'm off and on with anxiety today, but I also think I'm hormonal. Which never helps.
I do know this will pass. It just takes time. I looked back in my calendar from last time this happened. It started in an October, and I didn't feel anything close to normal until February/March. This one isn't nearly as bad because I at least recognize it for what it is. It doesn't change the feelings necessarily - but it does change how I react to those feelings.
I just found out one of our family pets (one that lives with my parents and brother) is badly sick. Poor thing. I'm mostly sad for my brother because he's so sensitive to this kind of thing, and this really is his cat (she formed quite a bond with him). I mentioned my cat's major surgery quite a few pages back, and it's bringing up some similar emotions.
Positive things are she is quite an old cat (at the point where you already start to brace yourself for such things), and this was caught in it's early stages. So even though her days are now numbered, what she has can be conceivably managed by diet and medication to give her another couple of good years if we're lucky. But it's my brother's decision and I hear he's conflicted because they were trying to adopt a stray and now can't take on both a sick cat and work with a newly homed stray. I'm sure he's tied up in knots right now.
Anyway, I know this update has nearly nothing to do with anxiety - but it's making me a bit glum. I was just out of my teens when this quirky little cat came into our lives - and they have a way of worming their way into our hearts.
Kathryn313
15-11-16, 21:40
One of the things that concerns me about getting a pet is the pain I will feel when they pass away. I know I would miss out on so many positive experiences but do worry about that pain I am setting myself up for down the line...
One of the things that concerns me about getting a pet is the pain I will feel when they pass away. I know I would miss out on so many positive experiences but do worry about that pain I am setting myself up for down the line...
It is painful, there's no denying that. I'm fond of saying the one guarantee with pets is they will break your heart. But somehow it's worth it. I remember all my childhood pets very fondly, and am happy I had them.
I wasn't kind to myself yesterday. Woke up late, so meditation was limited. A long meeting in the morning and then another in the evening. I ate sporadically at best. By the time I got home I was pretty wrecked.
I dream very vividly when my brain is in overdrive, and last night was some college art film level stuff.
Today I'm sore, my eye is bugging me. It's probably just irritated. Back on the self-care today! I'm hyper aware of stuff today, so I'm trying to not indulge in unhelpful testing. Keep thinking of that Groucho Marx sketch... Doc it hurts when I do this! Then don't do that.
I see the SW in a week.
Been awhile since I updated. Overall I've been doing better. I've done 34 days of meditation straight, and have found it helpful with quieting my mind somewhat.
I started doing daily yoga, then stopped for a bit because it was highlighting some pain that was triggering some anxiety in me. And then I started again. I went to a class last night and today my anxiety is playing up a bit. This was somewhat expected as it happened last time I went, and it took a couple of days for me to physically and mentally settle.
It's hard not to do some unhelpful testing. The discomfort I have is my right side. It feels like a stiff muscle. If I massage the area or tense that area I get pain. If I do specific stretches I can really feel it from the bottom of my ribs to my hip and then down into my leg. I get less-worse pain on my left side. It is, of course, more painful after yoga because I'm using those muscles.
I have no rational reason to believe this is anything other than muscular. And I have no rational reason to believe this is anything other than me injuring myself by trying to stretch or twist or bend anxiety tensed muscles. Also, I have noticed that I habitually lean to the right all the time, which is likely a product of my desk job. I know I've written much of this out before, but I find I need the reminder this evening.
All that said, I have made an appointment with my GP to see about getting some physiotherapy. It's been about 3 weeks with only small improvement. But, all those core muscles are hard to heal because they are always in use. I had a bad muscle pull last time from laying on a bolster and then having a coughing fit that took months to finally heal (and I had reinjured it twice as well). It could just be I need to stick with the yoga. Anyway, appointment isn't for a couple of weeks, so if I see marked improvement I can cancel. I don't want to go for reassurance (though I'm going to be honest with myself and acknowledge that the fact that I have an appointment in the future is reassuring on a level) - I want to go for the specific goal of better dealing with whatever pulled muscle I have.
The what ifs still get to me (obviously, that's why I'm writing this). I still get that sense of dread at night when I'm going to sleep. Mornings I feel really good for about a minute before anxiety hits me - but I am trying to be patient through it. Usually I have it shaken off by the end of my shower.
I'm waiting to see if anyone mentions to me that I've been wearing just about the same outfit to work everyday for the past month or more. That's one thing I've had a hard time getting back. My capacity for decision making has been reduced, so I've been wearing a lot of black to work so I don't have to put too much energy into deciding what to wear. So far, no one has.
My husband just says I'm getting old and should just accept that I'm going to hurt this way. :p But overall he's supportive, just a little bit of a curmudgeon sometimes.
My sister is really feeling the pressure between work and moving house. Talked to her today and I think I helped her. I'm glad that I'm in a better place than I was a month ago, and that I can help her.
I had the SW appointment yesterday. It was good. Bottom line was I need to put on my oxygen mask before assisting others (I don't know why, but the life as a plane crash metaphor is oddly calming - and I have a fear of flying!).
We talked about "voices" to watch out for. The voice that says I'm stupid for feeling the way I do. The voice that devalues the time I spend doing the less materially productive aspects of my job. And of course the voice that tells me there's something wrong with me when there isn't. She actually brought up HA by name without me doing it. But she tied it to the other stresses in my life and that this is my body - in a VERY real way - telling me that I need to find a better balance.
So overall I feel very good about the conversation that we had. She took me seriously, and she pointed out some things that I was struggling to solidify in my attempt to feel better. I'm on the right track, and I need to keep it up.
I will be seeing her again in a few weeks to see how I'm doing.
Today I'm probably feeling the best I have in awhile - both physically and emotionally. But I'm aware that this process includes both ups and downs. That's okay, when the down comes, I'll remember that there's an up on its way.
Kathryn313
01-12-16, 23:21
My therapist used that exact analogy. Really helpful for me
My therapist used that exact analogy. Really helpful for me
I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of it this next week or two. I'm coming down with a cold, and there is a lot of stuff going on at work the next couple weeks - but I can't run myself too much farther down than I am. Going to definitely have to make sure I put on my mask first.
Kathryn313
04-12-16, 20:36
Hope you have a good week and that you have your own oxygen mask handy :)
Thanks Kathryn. :) I am putting it on by taking a sick day tomorrow. This cold has me down and out, so I need to be kind to myself.
Just caught up on your progress EKB.
Colds do suck! I am just about avoiding them at the moment.
You found that meditation helped calm your mind, do you find it helps you think clearer too?
I've always struggled with meditation. Its like turning a tap on rather off. I seem to get more thought. Maybe I need to persist with it more.
I think I'm a bit like you, and have found it does seem to turn the tap on. Or maybe not so much turning the tap on, but makes me aware of the natural background noise that my mind produces.
But it has made me realize that I am actually very focused in my day to day activities - if I'm doing something I am present and in the moment for that thing. But if I'm idle, my mind churns away at things it ought not to. So I guess the meditation has made me sit down with that churning and actively watch it, and understand that's what my mind is doing.
And it's actually okay that it turns the tap on, because it isn't about not having thoughts, but recognizing them and letting them be on their way. A visualization I found helpful is to imagine being on the side of the road, and thoughts are like cars. You watch them go by but you don't chase them or dwell on them. My mother is always pointing out that I have always internalized my thoughts and feelings, so there are quite a few cars on my road!
There are many times that my meditation sessions are outright failures (if we're looking at the typical notion of what success looks like, which we probably shouldn't) - but I stick it out and figure that meditation is referred to as practice for a reason ;)
If you haven't, I'd really recommend looking at Andy Puddicombe's articles and trying out the Headspace app (it has 10 free 10 minute sessions that you can repeat without a subscription). I'm a skeptic and a cynic, so to say I like his approach is saying something.
I will admit though, with this cold I haven't been meditating as much. Every couple of minutes I go into a coughing fit (normal for me and colds), which I find very very frustrating. But I've been doing 10 minutes every other day still, so haven't fallen completely off of it.
Ugh I'm run down. I've developed a bad cough from this cold. The cold part is mostly better but the dry tickly cough is holding on. I have a really over active cough reflex, so I get into these coughing fits that make me gag. On top of it I've been working too hard through this, and haven't given myself enough recovery time. But the work doesn't go away, so I'm just tying to slog through until Christmas holidays when I can relax.
Oh, and my family is being bizarre. They are going through some stuff and not coping well at all, so it's fallen to me to help. Which is fine, I'm happy to. But - without getting too far into it - there are some root problems that I'm not sure I can or should address.
Where's that oxygen mask? I'm not sure I can find it, let alone apply it.
I'm taking some PPI's because the throat lozenges give me reflux which makes the cough worse. I think that's helping a bit. But I can't eliminate other irritants like talking and going in and out of the cold weather. The coughing is exhausting and wakes me up at night - so sleep is crappy.
Aspects of my self care routine have suffered because of all this. Though I am trying to sub in other things that are soothing for the cough and comforting for the anxiety. My super unhelpful coworker decided it would be helpful to tell me that she had a friend who coughed too hard and collapsed a lung. Intellectually I know this is a ridiculous story.
Anyway, just wanted to vent.
Kathryn313
14-12-16, 22:01
You have to love a colleague with a story! I envious those people though as they clearly have a HA free existence and it doesn't cross their mind that it might be a trigger. They probably don't even know the concept of a trigger.
I know how you feel, I have had a cold and now my asthma is playing up, the wheezing not subsided at all. Waking in the night aswell, my Inhalers just not helping to calm it down but am hopeful only another couple of days before I get back to normal. As every wheeze make my threat brain question what is HA and what is a genuine misdiagnosis and I circle for any excuse to book a second opinion.
Can you do some self care at all? I have got back to taking fish oil and more water.
Sorry to hear you're suffering from the effects of a cold as well. Hope you are indeed better in a couple days - I'm hoping I am too! :)
Still taking vitamin D, making sure I eat well, and taking warm baths. Can't do yoga and meditation without hacking and coughing though. But as soon as the cough clears, I'm getting back to that again.
I've been writing some too. Just stream of consciousness kind of stuff, but kind of soothing.
This coworker has been a menace - and you're right, she doesn't have a clue that what she's saying would make anyone around her feel bad. I think another coworker talked to her though, because she's settled down about 'sharing' her bizarre health stories. And has stopped remarking that I'm "pale" :rolleyes:
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.