Scaredlady
23-10-16, 23:31
Hey! I've posted on here a few times about my fear of schizophrenia and I have now found a new worry in relation to the same fear. This IS long, sorry but can someone anyone please read and give an honest opinion please.
Quick recap of the background before I mention my new worry. Around last May (2015) I was overcome with a fear of noise - Basically I woke up one morning and out of the blue I was scared, frightened by normal sounds, anything from a boiling kettle to a car horn. For some reason I was convinced that these "everyday" noises were voices, even though I knew it wasn't voices I still had this overwhelming fear of it being voices, I was convinced that it was the onset of schizophrenia. I eventually went to my doctor and she diagnosed me as having "acute noise anxiety". She prescribed me medication that I didn't ever take because one of the side effects was a possible chance of increased anxiety. I was scared to take the tablets. Since then I have battled on taking each day as it comes with no medication or counselling.
I have friends, I am socialable, I look after my appearance, I've had long term relationships, I am close with family/friends, I've worked, I have hobbies, I have an interest in life etc etc so I don't display any of the typical schizophrenia symptoms in terms of being withdrawn etc and I am not depressed and have never experienced suicidal thoughts or paranoid delusions but I am obsessed with the worry of schizophrenia. However I was talking to a girl on this forum and she was saying about the symptoms of schizophrenia - Today I couldn't stop myself from going onto Google and searching the symptoms.
Bad idea, very bad idea and I knew it would be, like it has been in the past. However, out of all of the dozens of recognised symptoms of schizophrenia I "only" have four - Anxiety, trouble falling asleep, smoking cigarettes and rehearsing conversations.
I have always been certain that my doctors were wrong when they've told me it was anxiety as I was sure anxiety was a sign of the onset of schizophrenia and now it seems I was right and it petrifies me. Also the thing about rehearsing conversations - Ever since I was a child I have always had pretend chats in my head. When I was young (maybe around 10) I would sometimes role play and pretend I was a teacher, a dancer, whatever profession I happened to aspire to be as an adult. I stopped doing this type of role playing a long time ago but I have always had chats in my head where I will rehearse what I will say to someone or think what they will say to me. Sometimes I will invent scenarios that will never happen and will practice what I would say and imagine what the other person will say to me - Like a friend or a family member. This isn't normal is it?? Sometimes if I'm out walking or maybe waiting for a bus or even just sat at home I will have pretend conversations in my head and sometimes if I meet someone and like them I may at times imagine having conversations with them (in my head). Is this schizophrenia?
The last 18 months that I have been battling anxiety I never once considered the fact that the conversations I have in my head may be a sign of onset schizophrenia, I should have realised but I didn't. The conversations that I have in my own head I never believe them, for example I don't actually think oh this conversation might actually happen. They are just normal conversations as in nothing bad, just normal stuff. It's Sunday and I won't be able to get a doctor's appointment for probably over a week to ask my doctor, does anyone have any input on what I'm saying?
As for trouble sleeping, I find it hard to switch off my brain and the sound of my breathing scares me at times because I over think and my fear takes over and I get scared of hearing voices. I do however eventually fall asleep 3 or 4 hours later, I do sleep. In 18 months I have never actually heard any voices or had any hallucinations, I just worry what if I do hear voices or what if I start to hallucinate or what if I start to become paranoid or delusional.
I also read that people with schizophrenia have a tendency to be smokers (apparently around 70% are smokers) - I smoke, I started when I was 16 as my friends were smoking (stopped at 19) and only started again when I was about 23, I'm 31 now - Is this relevant do you think, do I crave nicotine because I have the onset of schizophrenia?
I know I must sound weird to anyone reading this and I apologise for that, I'm just scared and I suppose looking for reassurance. I don't want to be schizophrenic, I would rather be dead than have it (although I am not suicidal).
I'm not depressed and I don't dislike life; I love life, I just battle with this anxiety (if that is what it is) but as hard as it is I have not allowed it to isolate me, I still enjoy doing things even when it's difficult.
Am I having the onset of schizophrenia do you think? I know it's impossible for any of you to give me a definite answer when you don't know me and this is the internet but could someone please please please give me an idea what you think.
Quick recap of the background before I mention my new worry. Around last May (2015) I was overcome with a fear of noise - Basically I woke up one morning and out of the blue I was scared, frightened by normal sounds, anything from a boiling kettle to a car horn. For some reason I was convinced that these "everyday" noises were voices, even though I knew it wasn't voices I still had this overwhelming fear of it being voices, I was convinced that it was the onset of schizophrenia. I eventually went to my doctor and she diagnosed me as having "acute noise anxiety". She prescribed me medication that I didn't ever take because one of the side effects was a possible chance of increased anxiety. I was scared to take the tablets. Since then I have battled on taking each day as it comes with no medication or counselling.
I have friends, I am socialable, I look after my appearance, I've had long term relationships, I am close with family/friends, I've worked, I have hobbies, I have an interest in life etc etc so I don't display any of the typical schizophrenia symptoms in terms of being withdrawn etc and I am not depressed and have never experienced suicidal thoughts or paranoid delusions but I am obsessed with the worry of schizophrenia. However I was talking to a girl on this forum and she was saying about the symptoms of schizophrenia - Today I couldn't stop myself from going onto Google and searching the symptoms.
Bad idea, very bad idea and I knew it would be, like it has been in the past. However, out of all of the dozens of recognised symptoms of schizophrenia I "only" have four - Anxiety, trouble falling asleep, smoking cigarettes and rehearsing conversations.
I have always been certain that my doctors were wrong when they've told me it was anxiety as I was sure anxiety was a sign of the onset of schizophrenia and now it seems I was right and it petrifies me. Also the thing about rehearsing conversations - Ever since I was a child I have always had pretend chats in my head. When I was young (maybe around 10) I would sometimes role play and pretend I was a teacher, a dancer, whatever profession I happened to aspire to be as an adult. I stopped doing this type of role playing a long time ago but I have always had chats in my head where I will rehearse what I will say to someone or think what they will say to me. Sometimes I will invent scenarios that will never happen and will practice what I would say and imagine what the other person will say to me - Like a friend or a family member. This isn't normal is it?? Sometimes if I'm out walking or maybe waiting for a bus or even just sat at home I will have pretend conversations in my head and sometimes if I meet someone and like them I may at times imagine having conversations with them (in my head). Is this schizophrenia?
The last 18 months that I have been battling anxiety I never once considered the fact that the conversations I have in my head may be a sign of onset schizophrenia, I should have realised but I didn't. The conversations that I have in my own head I never believe them, for example I don't actually think oh this conversation might actually happen. They are just normal conversations as in nothing bad, just normal stuff. It's Sunday and I won't be able to get a doctor's appointment for probably over a week to ask my doctor, does anyone have any input on what I'm saying?
As for trouble sleeping, I find it hard to switch off my brain and the sound of my breathing scares me at times because I over think and my fear takes over and I get scared of hearing voices. I do however eventually fall asleep 3 or 4 hours later, I do sleep. In 18 months I have never actually heard any voices or had any hallucinations, I just worry what if I do hear voices or what if I start to hallucinate or what if I start to become paranoid or delusional.
I also read that people with schizophrenia have a tendency to be smokers (apparently around 70% are smokers) - I smoke, I started when I was 16 as my friends were smoking (stopped at 19) and only started again when I was about 23, I'm 31 now - Is this relevant do you think, do I crave nicotine because I have the onset of schizophrenia?
I know I must sound weird to anyone reading this and I apologise for that, I'm just scared and I suppose looking for reassurance. I don't want to be schizophrenic, I would rather be dead than have it (although I am not suicidal).
I'm not depressed and I don't dislike life; I love life, I just battle with this anxiety (if that is what it is) but as hard as it is I have not allowed it to isolate me, I still enjoy doing things even when it's difficult.
Am I having the onset of schizophrenia do you think? I know it's impossible for any of you to give me a definite answer when you don't know me and this is the internet but could someone please please please give me an idea what you think.