View Full Version : remember your first (big) panic attack?
I was thinking a few days ago about different stuff, as I do. Some stuff has been brought up in counselling recently and it has made me rather reflective. I had said that I might do a counselling diary, but I think that would be too painful. I will however, share things that I feel I want to, in the hope that it provides a means for anyone else to get 'things' off their chest!
My first big panic attack, that I had actually forgotten all about until this week (I know that is hard to believe, but there it is) was when I was 21.
I had been badly beaten by my ex in the street, taken back to his house by his parents and police, he was taken to the station. His parents wouldn't let me go until I reassured them I would not press charges or tell my parents the truth as to why I had a cut eye, bleeding nose etc. I told them I wouldn't press charges and I would say I had fallen off my bike! The police then let him go and he came back to his parents to start on me again! He got taken away by the police again but still his parents wouldn't let me go! I started hyperventilating, to the point of passing out, coming to to my ex's sister undoing my buttons and my future MIL to be trying to get me to drink whisky! (possibly they had no brandy!!LOL)
I am not telling you all this to make you feel sorry for me, as that was the end of that relationship (well........nearly:blush: ) but when I remembered it, it showed me how we can tuck things away in the recesses of our mind and not realise how much of an impact our past, distant or otherwise can have on our present. I don't think that was the beginning of anx for me, it started way before that, but it was the beginning I think of fearing a panic attack. (come on, how many of you would like to come to to your future sis in law fiddling with your blouse!LOL)
No-one needs to share their memories of their first one. it might help some though if you can think of the circumstances surrounding it and how it grew from there.
just a thought!
happyone
xx
Hi mate,
Very brave of you to share that, well done. I think nearly everyone would have had a panic at that horrid scenario so no wonder you did.
:hugs:
Lisa x
groovygranny
01-04-07, 23:33
Happyone, that is indescribably horrible. :ohmy:
Makes me feel a bit of a fraud being here and saying my first recognisable panic attack was in a coach, driven by a totally loony and inconsiderate driver up a mountain in Majorca.
The road was renowned for it's hazardous twists and turns and narrowness, but this didn't stop the crazy driver playing around and pretending he'd lost control of the wheel which made it look as if we were going right over the edge! The road was named 'The Serpent' and I spent the whole of the journey up the mountain cowered behind the seat in front of me just wanting to die to put an end to how I was feeling.
When we got to the top I couldn't stop the tremors that engulfed me, and after a few minutes told my hub that there was no way I was getting back in that coach. So we missed the visit to the Monastry and instead proceeded to walk back down the mountain...he still has the scars from the blisters he got on his poor feet!:weep:
Hi,
Thanks lisa and GG. I am just accepting all the stuff that has come to bring me to where I am now. The wonderful people of this site always validate your experiences, it is fantastic. I deffo don't want pity as I am still angry at myself for letting it happen (I know that is not rational, I'm working on it ok!)
Your experience is no less valid GG. It is not how 'bad' or how 'memorable' or anything. I think if we are able to look back and dissect things a bit, then it can help with now.
You, for example had a horrendous road trip that it is perfectly undersatndable to be frightened. The insensitivity of the bus driver is inexplicable, needed a good kick up the jacksy I would reckon!
I did have a wee smirk at the thought of your poor hubby and his blisters, poor man! But listen bus crashes have happened, and it was definately a wise move to walk if it made you feel like that on the bus. I think you were actually to be commended there!
Happyone
xx
I deffo don't want pity as I am still angry at myself for letting it happen (I know that is not rational, I'm working on it ok!)
xx
I'm glad you added the bit about knowing this is irrational mate, well done. It was not your fault in any way. Hopefully once you can let go of the guilt and anger it will really help.
:hugs:
Lisa x
mine was last february. after feeling my hands tremble while riding a public vehicle (which turned out to be hypertension). this resulted in anxiety attacks whenever i travel far from home.
after that i made some progress in beating this fear. i drive and commute regularly.
still, i have a fear that i will have another hypertensive attack while far from home. from what i can tell, my anxiety feeds my hypertension, which in turn feeds my anxiety.
and despite all that, i believe that i can succeed! i can do it! i can travel for long distances! :D
Southern_Belle
08-04-07, 17:03
Hi HappyOne,
I have had anxiety since childhood and probably did not realize they were panic attacks. I can remember being on the floor board of the car (no seat belts then, giving away my age lol) when we took family trips to the mountains and I was crying my heart out from fear. My parents were extremely understanding but they couldn't leave me anywhere. I remember one trip where you had to ride a ski lift up a mountain my patient father talked to me for an hour trying to convince me why I had to go up and I tried to rationalize with him why he could leave me, a child, down the mountain why they all went up and enjoyed Ghost Town and leave me behind. In the end I lost but he kept his arms around me the whole time up.
I also remember my Grandmother was taking all 4 of us kids on an airplane back to her farm to give my parents some alone time and to visit her which was wonderful but I freaked on the plane before it even took off. My parents came and got me off of it and understood, me as them, I would have been mad but they weren't, I guess they already knew I had anxiety even though I didn't.
According to me, my first panic attack was a few years ago at a doctor's office. I was getting trigger injections for chronic pain and I started to panic and actually went into a seizure type of reaction. The doctor actually called an ambulance and I had to go to the hospital. Now that is a bad panic attack when you scare a doctor, LOL. The second one was in a dentist's chair. I haven't had one since then thank goodness, but as soon as I walk in the dentist's office they gas me up, think I scared them pretty bad too.
Laura
p.s.
I no longer sit on the floor boards while traveling, doing much better, aren't meds great!
Hello everyone....
It does feel embarrassing when, after hearing why someone else has had or started having panic attacks and it is so much worse than your own reason for having them...so sorry for what happened to you happyone:hugs:
My first ever PA (and what started me down the road to serious anxiety) was my second day into a new job. I got as far as the car park and when I tried to open my car door found that I couldn't breathe :-( People kept looking at me through the window which made things worse and the more I tried to push myself to get out of the car, it got worse. I started crying, people were staring and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. What a joy!
In the end my husband had to come and get me to drive me home. That was seven years ago and even though I've only had one other PA since then, it has really affected my ability to get back to work because of that one incident. Going to a place of work represents fear, feeling like I'm suffocating and people staring at me as if I am a freak.
That is what is so lovely about this forum because I know most people on here understand so well how powerful this illness is and how it can stop you from living the life you want to live. I'm still fighting though and probably will until I'm old and grey (nearly there but not quite!!!)
Much love to you all.
Mine was one evening, I was watching TV in the house alone and I just thought I wasnt breathing and went on for hours controling my breathing in and out, this eventually after hours made me hyperventilate and have a panic attack including Depersonalization. Being completly unaware of what was happening I thought I had gone mad, schizophrenic what ever bringing on severe anxiety increasing the panic. This lasted 3 months- severe anxiety and panics, I tried many medications but eventually citalorpram was what was needed. The anxiety continued for months such as will I actually go mad if it happens again, will I commit suicide because I couldnt cope if I did etc. The Citalorpram, positive thinking (when I could) 5 sessions of counselling helped and now I am virtually recovered. I am still on meds but Im in no rush as is my GP.
I always had it in my mind was it because I took recreactional drugs such as E's, Cocain, speed etc. I rememeber one night I had got waisted and thought I couldnt breathe but just thought it off and went to sleep. Was that a trigger for it all? I dont know- it was a few months before my major episode.
Very brave of you Happyone to share your story.
Anxiety kicked in at around 30 for me, but when I think back, I had a panic attack at 19 when I was just about ready to sit down to a meal in a restaurant. I actually left (rather embarressingly) but put it down to a "funny turn".
It wasn't until some years later I realised it was a Panic Attack.
TC
Jaco
Like Jaco, my first big panic attack took place in a restaurant.
It was summer 2001 and I was on holiday. It was very packed, very hot and we were forced to share a table with strangers. The meal took forever to come and my repeated request for a glass of water went unanswered because they were so busy. Just as the food came I felt the blood drain from my face and my legs turned to jelly. My partner noticed that I had turned pale and asked me if I was alright. I knew I had to get out of there and was really upset by the fact that I was unable to go back in. We had to pay for the food we never ate. It ruined my holiday. At the time I tried to write it off as a 'funny turn' but I think deep down I knew something bad had happened. I have never eaten in a restaurant or café since.
Hi.
my first panic attack was when I was 19 in a graveyard. We were putting flowers on my now husbands grans grave...or rather he was cos I couldnt get out of the car. I thought I was going to die. My dad had died suddenly the year previously, I had left home to start a new job and my mum was suicidal and drinking heavily... I think really it all just caught up with me...and has continued to catch me ever since lol! After that episode I couldnt go out, was scared to sleep in case I died in my sleep (you know what I mean), and was convinced I would drop dead at any minute.
I did recover to a degree but the anxiety and the intense fear has never really gone.
Happyone I can understand your feelings about being angry for letting things happen...I had a similar experience (that same year actually) which has left me with a lot of self loathing...painful to reflect on but I do think it helps in the long run....like allowing yourself to have the feelings, being able to identify what the feelings are (which I'm very bad at) and acknowledging the real cause of those feelings (dont know if that makes sense but I know what I mean lol!:blush: ).
take care
Coni X
Isn't it funny the different experiences that bring us to where we are now?
rain, I can totally identify with your experience. I still have problems with busy eating places. My kids love to go to McDonalds and sit in. I only ever take them to a drive thru and then drive down to the beach to eat it, or I drive to one 40 miles away that is in a quiet town and is never busy! the thought of asking to share a table with a stranger would be too much!
Coni, it does make sense what you say. I do think that identifying, acknowledging and forgiving ourselves is a step towards recovery.
Like you Jaco, when I had my first panic attack, I didn't know what it was, just that I was terrified and slightly out of it. I now know that feeling to be depersonalisation.
Kimmy, I too take citalopram and when I came off them, the panic returned (I did stop cold turkey though!:blush: ) i started them again.
3 faces, no-ones experience is more or less valid or worse or better. It is what is particular to any individual. There is absolutely no need for embarrassment as you experience was as real to you as mine or others might have been little to another. I just think that identifying it and dissecting it can help us recognise that it was an event that possibly started it and from understanding can we move on from it. Does that make sense?
laura, I remeber my mum telling me about a friend who was taken to hospital with the blue lights fashing with a suspected heart attack and it was a panic attack. I am not surprised your doc was worried! And well done for not sitting on the floorboards any more!
Pwidi, you sound so positive, well done!
Thanks for sharing with me.
happyone
xx
Panic Attack I’ve had was in one of my English Lessons at school two years ago. It was a noisy lesson where everyone was messing around because of having a substitute teacher and this then started bring on a Panic Attack. What I didn’t know was that it would be the worst one to come.
I firstly started to get all tingly, and was breathing deeper. It was starting to feel more debilitating as people were shouting across the classroom. Very quickly, I was getting really shaky, breathless, and was feeling full of terror. In just 3 minutes I already had feelings of losing control, and deprealization, with those extreme feelings lasting for 20 seconds until I went back to slightly calmer feelings of terror, and tensing, but after another 2 minutes the feelings went to the most severe again of deprealization and losing control, which lasted for 34 seconds this time which is longer than usual when I get the worst feelings in a panic attack. Again, I suddenly clamed down a tiny bit feeling more aware again but with tensing and heavy breathing until I got another wave of Deprealization and losing control yet again until after 15 seconds, I was calming down to a mild level of the panic attack. Students in the classroom were getting increasingly more disruptive without the substitute teacher doing anything to stop the behaviour, and this only made my panic attack last even longer with yet another 20 second band of extreme deprealization and losing control feelings. I kept feeling as if everybody suddenly turned evil, and that they went strange themselves because of what was happening.
Finally, just after another band of the horrible feelings I did start claming down, and after 2 minutes, I felt much better, even though the students were still disruptive. I was so relived that I finally clamed down as the panic attack lasted for the start of the lesson all the way to end where the bell rung 2 minutes after I subsided from it. In total this really uncomfortable panic attack lasted for 50 minutes, and I really did think that I was going to expire that time as I’ve never had one as bad as this before (well close).
Often, when I have a panic attack, I will get more and more uncomfortable until I get to the worst point of feeling strange, with deprealization for just a few seconds until I suddenly calm down and remain feeling fine for a few hours. And they often last no longer than 20 minutes.
Also, I’m sorry to hear the uncomfortable Panic Attacks you other users have face too. Glad you got through it, just like I did without anything bad actually happening.
My first pa was when I was 15 years old. It was the first day back at school after the summer holidays and as the bus slowed down at my stop my vision blurred, my body went weak and I got this unknown sense of 'unreality' - like I was watching myself having this pa from outside of myself. I was lightheaded and my whole body felt 'weightless' and I just thought I was going to 'go mad' and make a food of myself in front of the whole bus load of teenagers. I clutched the rail for dear life as I stepped down from the bus as I was sure I was going to fall over.
I managed to carry on talking to my friend as I stepped down from the bus and walked the half mile walk home with her. The feeling of unreality continued for the entire walk home but disappeared as soon as I got inside of my house.
That panic attack will be 21 years old in September this year - does anyone think I should throw it a big birthday party????? :shrug:
Eibhlin
Oh I am sorry but this did make me laugh!
That panic attack will be 21 years old in September this year - does anyone think I should throw it a big birthday party????? :shrug:
Eibhlin
You gotta laugh or you'll cry as they say hunny!
happyone
xx
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