elik
26-10-16, 17:04
I just don't know how on earth I can go forward. This is the same thing I have bored you with for the last year continuously. I am beyond stuck. I want to cry at every turn I take because everything in my life is an unbearable challenge made particularly worse at the moment by people. I don't think I have ever had social anxiety, well not as a sole perpetrator, but this year it has swallowed me and poisoned my every day life. This is where I feel claustrophobic as there seems to be new concerns cropping up from no where and I shouldn't take for granted the now moments because it could get worse... I have no one to talk to at all, at ALL. This is partly my fault, because I have become petrified of rejection and judgement that all I do is act as perfectly as I believe perfect can be and make sure I am making other people happy. This is not attainable. I love socializing deep down but I have become clouded by anxiety and its so anxiety provoking in any given social situation that I cant wait to get home just to breathe. I have forgotten how to be close to someone. I have forgotten how it is OK to have flaws. All my life all I have seen in myself is flaws and I can't get it out of my head, therefore I cannot fathom the idea of others seeing these flaws to add to my own internal dialogue. I am completely worthless to this world. Completely. No one has much care for my existence (not being dramatic), I get manipulated and walked over countless times just to shrug and laugh it off because I don't know how to change that. Before you say stand up for yourself, I cannot. It is something I have never been able to do. Although I would try and do this a few years ago when things pushed me to the point of near tears, my way of standing up for myself would be to go quiet, not even purposely, but I cant handle it so I just shut off, and then I used to get called moody which jumped me straight out of my quietness because heaven forbid someone think of me like that. Then I start to laugh everything off so I don't come across like this. Situations like this happen all the time with me, I used to try and exert myself differently upon first impressions so people would maybe get some desire to respect me but it has never worked. Something about me just says, she's so ditsy, shes so this, shes so that, make fun of her, shes an easy target, even if she bites back we can laugh. I'm the sort of person that will work into a venue, have a laugh and chat and then I'm the first one to get ripped into and the first one to be forgotten. The majority of situations I am in I end up going home alone and its few and far between that anyone asks if I am ok. But its not like I can force this on people?! Its their decision as to whether they care about me. So what is wrong with me??? it must be me?! I have never tried so hard as I have this year to be the best person to be around and I haven't got anywhere, just noticed more how little of an impact it has made. If I assert myself in ANY way, for example, say to someone a different time to meet then what I suggested I feel demanding and horrible and want to take everything back. No one appreciates me whatsoever. There is no silver lining to that statement. Zero. I have copious amounts of people making plans with me then either not showing or telling me they cant do it at the last minute or the next day when I have just had to sit on the idea that they may suddenly expect me to meet them. I am so full of anger about all these things, but I wont direct them at anyone. I understand so much psychologically that I always excuse them, always sympathise with them, always want to understand them (even though there is a chance they are stringing me along) because thats my nature. Unfortunately no one ever would think of returning such a favor. I can almost guarantee if I let someone down last minute who does it to me, I would suffer the consequences. Theres no balance in my friendships. This is I am sure because of how I hold myself, sometimes awkwardly ditzy in order to entertain, intent on listening and understanding which can bore people, and the fact I let people do all this to me is what everyone would say is why I get these reactions. Well, I can also guarantee that if I started putting my foot down and being assertive (if it didn't kill me:weep:) people dont care enough to want to listen, I would be rejected. Honestly, I dont think I have ever done anything wrong by anyone, try to keep my head above water even though I am drowning and unfortunately am so desperate for people to not misunderstand me because they have no idea how one persons judgement can tip someone of my fragility over the edge. This is why I cannot work (I say cannot, I know this is dramatic) as I cannot bare the thought of all those up hill battles that come into play in a work environment. Previous examples of me working have shown me to leave abruptly, cry at my desk, hardly turn up, bullied,etc. A lot of people would turn round and say 'thats life' and it is. The issue is, I haven't a clue how I am to handle life or if I am even capable.