Sapphire_rose
27-10-16, 17:22
Hello there :)
My name is Loz and I live in Leicester in the UK. I'm 28 (though I feel much younger; I often forget how old I am and still think I'm a teenager :D ) and have been suffering from anxiety and depression since I was about 13 years old. At least, that's when I first became aware of it. Over the years, things have slowly been getting worse and now I've gotten to the point where the way I'm feeling is totally controlling my life; I feel like I've gotten to the 'point of no return' and there are very few people I can talk to about it. So I decided it was time to seek some support and advice from others who are going through similar issues and can understand how I feel and what I'm thinking, so here I am... I also feel like I've been through a lot and have knowledge and experience of certain issues that might be useful in helping others; I have no desire to come here and solely whine about my own problems without at least attempting to help other people, so I shall try and give as much support back to everyone else as I receive :)
My own story is so long and complicated that I hardly know where to start, but I shall try and condense it down a little; I'm sure no one wants to read a massive chunk of writing after all! :D
I suppose I've always felt alone; I have a brother but he's 13 years older than me and left home when he was 16 and I was 3, so we weren't raised together and as a result I've always felt more like an only child. My parents, although they always treated me well and were affectionate towards me, are not really parental people (as far as I'm aware both my brother and I were unplanned), and as such were somewhat disinterested in me; they didn't really ask about my school life much, and we never went on family trips or anything like that. So I learned from an early age to amuse myself and provide my own entertainment. My school life was even more lonely; I was bullied from the age of 7 to 14, and didn't have any real friends until I was about 12 years old. The bullying was never physical; I was never hit or anything like that. But other kids would call me "the plague" and scream or jerk away if I accidentally brushed past them, and the bullies would take my stuff and throw it round the classrooms to each other and laugh when I tried to get it back. They'd also follow me round the school and shout cruel things; some even pretended to befriend me and then led other bullies to where I was so they could all gang up on me together. Anyway; when I got older I learned that if I acted as though they didn't affect me, the bullying would stop, and it did, thankfully. I finally made some good friends who are my best friends to this day, and things started to look up.
Then, when I was 16, my parents got divorced. My mother, it turned out, had been having an affair that had lasted at least a year, and this was her third affair in the time she had been with my dad. It was around this time that I discovered my dad is not my brother's dad as well, so we are only half-siblings. There was a lot of other stuff my mother had lied about as well, and not only did I decide I wanted to live with my dad after the divorce, I later decided not to continue contact with my mum, and now I haven't spoken to her or seen her for 10 years. Whilst this upsets me sometimes, on the whole I am content with my decision; my mum betrayed me so deeply that I can't ever feel the same way about her again and the stress that pretending to be okay with her was causing me was not worth it. However, my brother still has contact with her and does not understand my decision; I feel that as he was not living at home and did not see or hear what went on the night they got divorced (there was an almighty argument that I heard every word of, as we live in a bungalow and there was nowhere to go to hide from it), he does not have the same opinion of my mum as I do. He often puts pressure on me to contact her again, but I am firm in my decision not to and it upsets me that he doesn't respect that.
A few years later, when I was around 20 years old, I had to go and live abroad for a year as part of my University degree, which was French and Spanish. So I spent three months in France and ten months in Spain, and wanted nothing more than to come home the entire time. I wasn't confident in my speaking ability and was constantly afraid of making errors and not being understood, and the thought of having to organise my own living arrangements in another language absolutely terrified me. Things got so bad that whilst in Spain, I stopped going to classes; it started as 'one missed class won't hurt', which turned into 'I'll just say I was ill all this week' to 'I can't go back now; I've missed too many classes and everyone will be staring at me and talking about me behind my back'. It got to the point where I couldn't leave my room; I would sleep until mid-morning and only leave my room to go to the bathroom or get something to eat, and I rarely left the apartment. Occasionally I would hear birds singing outside and realise that I hadn't slept all night and had just been lying in a sort of trance-like state in my bed; then I would get immediately exhausted and sleep the day away. I desperately wanted to quit my degree, fly back to England and go home to my dad's house; I even told my dad over Skype that this is what I was going to do. But he was absolutely against this and talked me into staying and completing my degree. So I forced myself through it, bit by bit with the help of my lecturers and counsellors, and I now have a BA in French and Spanish.
However, that was 6 years ago, and I still am unable to make any sort of progress with my life. Literally everything terrifies me to breaking point; I can't cope anymore. The reason I did a languages degree was because I wanted to become a translator (a lot of people don't know this but translators deal with written material only; spoken material is what an interpreter is used for), but I had no idea how difficult a field it is to get into, or that I would need an additional qualification (such as a Masters) in order to get any kind of translation work. So when I graduated, I took a part-time job in a supermarket with the intention of getting some money together to save for getting an extra qualification. It took me 2 years to get a job because I was so, so terrified of job interviews. Aaaaand... 4 years on, I still have that job. I have no faith in my language abilities and am starting to feel that translation is not a good idea for a career, but I don't have qualifications in anything else and can't find a job vacancy that doesn't require years and years of experience and fancy qualifications, and isn't just another supermarket job. I don't understand a lot of things that seem to come easily to other people; I have no comprehension of mortgages, taxes or any of that other scary 'adult' stuff, and I have no idea who to ask about any of it or how.
And that's not all. I'm 28 and I've never been in a relationship; I'm still a virgin and have never even been kissed. Whilst I don't feel that that is the end of the world, it does upset me sometimes because I feel like I'm trapped and can't move forwards and be an 'adult' like everyone else. But meeting guys and going on dates and stuff is just so totally terrifying to me; I get panicky just thinking about it.
I've never been on any kind of medication for my depression or anxiety because, surprise surprise, I'm afraid of doctors and am afraid of ending up dependant on medication just to feel 'normal'. And I have a few health worries that I think I should see a doctor about but can't go because even thinking about it makes me hyperventilate and have a panic attack.
I'm just so lost and trapped in my own terror that I don't know what to do or how to cope anymore; I feel as though I've wasted the best years of my life living with constant fear and if I don't do something soon, it'll be too late. Any help or advice you could offer me would be extremely gratefully received, and I am so sorry this message is so long :weep:
Thank you for reading this, if you have; you have no idea how much it means to me and I hope to be a member here for a long time. Hugs and chocolate to you all; you are all wondeful people :)
Loz
Save
My name is Loz and I live in Leicester in the UK. I'm 28 (though I feel much younger; I often forget how old I am and still think I'm a teenager :D ) and have been suffering from anxiety and depression since I was about 13 years old. At least, that's when I first became aware of it. Over the years, things have slowly been getting worse and now I've gotten to the point where the way I'm feeling is totally controlling my life; I feel like I've gotten to the 'point of no return' and there are very few people I can talk to about it. So I decided it was time to seek some support and advice from others who are going through similar issues and can understand how I feel and what I'm thinking, so here I am... I also feel like I've been through a lot and have knowledge and experience of certain issues that might be useful in helping others; I have no desire to come here and solely whine about my own problems without at least attempting to help other people, so I shall try and give as much support back to everyone else as I receive :)
My own story is so long and complicated that I hardly know where to start, but I shall try and condense it down a little; I'm sure no one wants to read a massive chunk of writing after all! :D
I suppose I've always felt alone; I have a brother but he's 13 years older than me and left home when he was 16 and I was 3, so we weren't raised together and as a result I've always felt more like an only child. My parents, although they always treated me well and were affectionate towards me, are not really parental people (as far as I'm aware both my brother and I were unplanned), and as such were somewhat disinterested in me; they didn't really ask about my school life much, and we never went on family trips or anything like that. So I learned from an early age to amuse myself and provide my own entertainment. My school life was even more lonely; I was bullied from the age of 7 to 14, and didn't have any real friends until I was about 12 years old. The bullying was never physical; I was never hit or anything like that. But other kids would call me "the plague" and scream or jerk away if I accidentally brushed past them, and the bullies would take my stuff and throw it round the classrooms to each other and laugh when I tried to get it back. They'd also follow me round the school and shout cruel things; some even pretended to befriend me and then led other bullies to where I was so they could all gang up on me together. Anyway; when I got older I learned that if I acted as though they didn't affect me, the bullying would stop, and it did, thankfully. I finally made some good friends who are my best friends to this day, and things started to look up.
Then, when I was 16, my parents got divorced. My mother, it turned out, had been having an affair that had lasted at least a year, and this was her third affair in the time she had been with my dad. It was around this time that I discovered my dad is not my brother's dad as well, so we are only half-siblings. There was a lot of other stuff my mother had lied about as well, and not only did I decide I wanted to live with my dad after the divorce, I later decided not to continue contact with my mum, and now I haven't spoken to her or seen her for 10 years. Whilst this upsets me sometimes, on the whole I am content with my decision; my mum betrayed me so deeply that I can't ever feel the same way about her again and the stress that pretending to be okay with her was causing me was not worth it. However, my brother still has contact with her and does not understand my decision; I feel that as he was not living at home and did not see or hear what went on the night they got divorced (there was an almighty argument that I heard every word of, as we live in a bungalow and there was nowhere to go to hide from it), he does not have the same opinion of my mum as I do. He often puts pressure on me to contact her again, but I am firm in my decision not to and it upsets me that he doesn't respect that.
A few years later, when I was around 20 years old, I had to go and live abroad for a year as part of my University degree, which was French and Spanish. So I spent three months in France and ten months in Spain, and wanted nothing more than to come home the entire time. I wasn't confident in my speaking ability and was constantly afraid of making errors and not being understood, and the thought of having to organise my own living arrangements in another language absolutely terrified me. Things got so bad that whilst in Spain, I stopped going to classes; it started as 'one missed class won't hurt', which turned into 'I'll just say I was ill all this week' to 'I can't go back now; I've missed too many classes and everyone will be staring at me and talking about me behind my back'. It got to the point where I couldn't leave my room; I would sleep until mid-morning and only leave my room to go to the bathroom or get something to eat, and I rarely left the apartment. Occasionally I would hear birds singing outside and realise that I hadn't slept all night and had just been lying in a sort of trance-like state in my bed; then I would get immediately exhausted and sleep the day away. I desperately wanted to quit my degree, fly back to England and go home to my dad's house; I even told my dad over Skype that this is what I was going to do. But he was absolutely against this and talked me into staying and completing my degree. So I forced myself through it, bit by bit with the help of my lecturers and counsellors, and I now have a BA in French and Spanish.
However, that was 6 years ago, and I still am unable to make any sort of progress with my life. Literally everything terrifies me to breaking point; I can't cope anymore. The reason I did a languages degree was because I wanted to become a translator (a lot of people don't know this but translators deal with written material only; spoken material is what an interpreter is used for), but I had no idea how difficult a field it is to get into, or that I would need an additional qualification (such as a Masters) in order to get any kind of translation work. So when I graduated, I took a part-time job in a supermarket with the intention of getting some money together to save for getting an extra qualification. It took me 2 years to get a job because I was so, so terrified of job interviews. Aaaaand... 4 years on, I still have that job. I have no faith in my language abilities and am starting to feel that translation is not a good idea for a career, but I don't have qualifications in anything else and can't find a job vacancy that doesn't require years and years of experience and fancy qualifications, and isn't just another supermarket job. I don't understand a lot of things that seem to come easily to other people; I have no comprehension of mortgages, taxes or any of that other scary 'adult' stuff, and I have no idea who to ask about any of it or how.
And that's not all. I'm 28 and I've never been in a relationship; I'm still a virgin and have never even been kissed. Whilst I don't feel that that is the end of the world, it does upset me sometimes because I feel like I'm trapped and can't move forwards and be an 'adult' like everyone else. But meeting guys and going on dates and stuff is just so totally terrifying to me; I get panicky just thinking about it.
I've never been on any kind of medication for my depression or anxiety because, surprise surprise, I'm afraid of doctors and am afraid of ending up dependant on medication just to feel 'normal'. And I have a few health worries that I think I should see a doctor about but can't go because even thinking about it makes me hyperventilate and have a panic attack.
I'm just so lost and trapped in my own terror that I don't know what to do or how to cope anymore; I feel as though I've wasted the best years of my life living with constant fear and if I don't do something soon, it'll be too late. Any help or advice you could offer me would be extremely gratefully received, and I am so sorry this message is so long :weep:
Thank you for reading this, if you have; you have no idea how much it means to me and I hope to be a member here for a long time. Hugs and chocolate to you all; you are all wondeful people :)
Loz
Save