LateRoses
27-10-16, 20:48
Hi everyone,
I'm nearly crippled with anxiety right now that I may have melanoma or even the worst type, nodular melanoma.
About ten years ago when I was 21 or so, I discovered a very small scab-like mole on my lower back (on the right side, on my hip) and thought it was a scab or a dried, hard piece of something stuck on my skin. It wouldn't come off even though I tried picking it off, so I assumed it was a new mole.
Within the past year, maybe, the mole began to itch sometimes. I didn't really think much of it... but the mole grew sometime within the past ~10 years I've had it too. It used to be fairly small but had grown to be 6mm. It still felt like a scab mole and it was still round and raised yet flat-feeling, but I think it may have even darkened to an almost black color though I remember it being more of a grey.
Two days before I went to the dermatologist to get it looked at, my mom rubbed this pain relief gel called Therma Mend on it, and the next day the mole started to kind of come off... The mole looked different! The scab texture turned into more of a sandpaper texture on my skin and it looked much more brown against my skin. So my mole was a different color underneath?!
I went to the dermatologist this Tuesday, and when she had a look at my mole on my back, said it looked like a normal mole and it was my choice to get a biopsy or not. I agreed to a biopsy anyway and mentioned to her that the mole had looked different a few days ago; that my mom put something on it which caused bits of the top to fall off. She took a look at the photo I had taken a few days prior and immediately said that she "wants to biopsy this mole." This freaked me out that she suddenly seemed to be insisting on biopsying it and when I asked her if she thought/suspected it was "something bad," she said no... but it really tripped me up because she still insisted on biopsying when she saw the older photo, after originally saying I could choose to do it or not? I felt like she was just lying to me because I was visibly distressed and she didn't want to worry me further, but that she really suspected it was melanoma.
She said that it was unusual for someone to have only one mole like that on their body, and normally someone would present with multiples moles all over. I've never had a scab mole like this anywhere else on my body; I'm not a person with a lot of moles, period, and the ones I do have look more like larger, brown freckles.
At this point, I'm convinced that I've been ignoring what could turn out to be a nodular melanoma for nearly a year and that every weird sensation I've had in my pelvic area (especially any random aches and pains on the right side) is due to the cancer rapidly spreading inside my organs. I'm convinced once I get my diagnosis, I'll already be at death's door because that's how fast nodular melanoma can spread.
My anxiety has even affected my memory. I sit there trying to remember everything about the mole and can barely recall anything... Did it grow across the years or did it blow up in just a few months? Did it change from a grey to a much darker shade? Did every time it itched mean the mole/cancer was growing? Why was it brown underneath the scabby part, shouldn't it all be the same color throughout? Why did the scabby part even start coming off in the first place?
I'm truly driving myself crazy with these dark and maddening circular thoughts and I dread the wait for my results and also fear what the results may say.
---------- Post added at 12:48 ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 ----------
I also can't stop reading into the things the doctor said to me on my visit. When I was leaving after she took the biopsy sample, she said as way of greeting "Hopefully, I'll see you in a year" and in my mind I was thinking HOPEFULLY? Does she mean that hopefully the mole doesn't turn out to be melanoma like she suspects so all I'll need is a routine checkup in a year?!
I know that reading into every little thing someone says and attaching meaning to it is just another symptom of my HA, but it's really hard to separate my mind from this line of thinking.
Edited because the mole is more on the right side of my lower back/hip (around where the pants waistband sits). Previously said above right buttock which wasn't accurate.
I'm nearly crippled with anxiety right now that I may have melanoma or even the worst type, nodular melanoma.
About ten years ago when I was 21 or so, I discovered a very small scab-like mole on my lower back (on the right side, on my hip) and thought it was a scab or a dried, hard piece of something stuck on my skin. It wouldn't come off even though I tried picking it off, so I assumed it was a new mole.
Within the past year, maybe, the mole began to itch sometimes. I didn't really think much of it... but the mole grew sometime within the past ~10 years I've had it too. It used to be fairly small but had grown to be 6mm. It still felt like a scab mole and it was still round and raised yet flat-feeling, but I think it may have even darkened to an almost black color though I remember it being more of a grey.
Two days before I went to the dermatologist to get it looked at, my mom rubbed this pain relief gel called Therma Mend on it, and the next day the mole started to kind of come off... The mole looked different! The scab texture turned into more of a sandpaper texture on my skin and it looked much more brown against my skin. So my mole was a different color underneath?!
I went to the dermatologist this Tuesday, and when she had a look at my mole on my back, said it looked like a normal mole and it was my choice to get a biopsy or not. I agreed to a biopsy anyway and mentioned to her that the mole had looked different a few days ago; that my mom put something on it which caused bits of the top to fall off. She took a look at the photo I had taken a few days prior and immediately said that she "wants to biopsy this mole." This freaked me out that she suddenly seemed to be insisting on biopsying it and when I asked her if she thought/suspected it was "something bad," she said no... but it really tripped me up because she still insisted on biopsying when she saw the older photo, after originally saying I could choose to do it or not? I felt like she was just lying to me because I was visibly distressed and she didn't want to worry me further, but that she really suspected it was melanoma.
She said that it was unusual for someone to have only one mole like that on their body, and normally someone would present with multiples moles all over. I've never had a scab mole like this anywhere else on my body; I'm not a person with a lot of moles, period, and the ones I do have look more like larger, brown freckles.
At this point, I'm convinced that I've been ignoring what could turn out to be a nodular melanoma for nearly a year and that every weird sensation I've had in my pelvic area (especially any random aches and pains on the right side) is due to the cancer rapidly spreading inside my organs. I'm convinced once I get my diagnosis, I'll already be at death's door because that's how fast nodular melanoma can spread.
My anxiety has even affected my memory. I sit there trying to remember everything about the mole and can barely recall anything... Did it grow across the years or did it blow up in just a few months? Did it change from a grey to a much darker shade? Did every time it itched mean the mole/cancer was growing? Why was it brown underneath the scabby part, shouldn't it all be the same color throughout? Why did the scabby part even start coming off in the first place?
I'm truly driving myself crazy with these dark and maddening circular thoughts and I dread the wait for my results and also fear what the results may say.
---------- Post added at 12:48 ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 ----------
I also can't stop reading into the things the doctor said to me on my visit. When I was leaving after she took the biopsy sample, she said as way of greeting "Hopefully, I'll see you in a year" and in my mind I was thinking HOPEFULLY? Does she mean that hopefully the mole doesn't turn out to be melanoma like she suspects so all I'll need is a routine checkup in a year?!
I know that reading into every little thing someone says and attaching meaning to it is just another symptom of my HA, but it's really hard to separate my mind from this line of thinking.
Edited because the mole is more on the right side of my lower back/hip (around where the pants waistband sits). Previously said above right buttock which wasn't accurate.