Just want to scream and cry

[Mummytofour]

Hey,

I am now on day 4 of citalopram 20mg and it is so hard. All I want to do is cry today although I haven't as I have to try to hide it all from the kids. When I get a small break from the awful side effects then it's my thoughts that do me in. I can't seem to win!. I know I have to ride out the worst days and be hopeful that it works in the long run but right now I just wish this would all go away. My thoughts are all focused on whether I am going to get a terminal illness one day and not reach old age, dying in general and not seeing my family anymore or exsisting and whether my kids will have anything happen to them as they get older. It's all such scary stuff and I am petrified of these things.

Anyone else feel the same?

Maxine

[karenp]

Maxine I get irrational thought too when I am ill but they do go away. I was in Citalopram three times and the start up is so scary, especially at that dose, I daren't restart it. I've been given Sertraline but suspect it will be no different, so I am starting it on a quarter of a lowest dose pill and only moving up when I am ready...it will take longer to recover but my anxiety is already so bad. I was left on benzos for 3 and half years so they do little to help me now. But if you can tolerate Citalopram a little longer you will soon notice good days, then more and more of them hopefully. I had to go up to max dose last time I took it but believe me, 20 is hardest to get to, going up to 40 was nothing and within two weeks I was well once on that dose....but I had a really good doctor when I was put on Citalopram who gave me sleeping pills and Lorazepam and I was off them within 3 months. No wd at all xxxx I took the Citalopram for three years and was 100% well but my doctor took me off it saying Escitalopram is moderner and better but it never even touched my anxiety. Good luck. I found I was much better after the first two weeks but did have bad days until I got to full dose.

[SLA]

Irrational thoughts never really "go" you just have to learn not to react to them.

When you take away their power, they subside. It's all about identifying and managing thoughts.

I posted a video on here a while ago: You Are Not Your Thoughts (http://bit.ly/2dfFqvb)

I've had terrible HA before, mostly over it now, and manage anxiety quite well.

[Mummytofour]

Hi Karen, thanks for replying. Feels so lonely when your stuck in your own head. I have been on citalopram before for 3 years and came off very slowly and successfully but 6 months later and it all came back so have restarted. I did a week at 10mg first and then upped to the 20mg. Last time I went up to 30mg after a while and it worked great for me. Just hope it works again but last time it was anxiety and panic attacks but the constant thoughts weren't there and this time that's what's upsetting me most and hoping it shuts that up.
I hope you do well with sertraline and that you find some relief too. I have been given some diazepam to help with the worst days but am using them sparingly as I keep thinking the next day could be worse and I might run out as they do seem to give my body a rest from it all for a while. X

---------- Post added at 18:10 ---------- Previous post was at 18:07 ----------

Hi SLA,
I believe I read some of your blog yesterday. Do you have a blog? I am sure it was one of your links I clicked on.

I shall have a watch of the video when I get a minute away from the kids. Trying to keep this all away from their little eyes and ears so as not too worry them x

[Becky2785]

When I first started on cit in may I had the worst intrusive thoughts ever about suicide I scared myself that much with them I took myself to hospital thinking I needed to be locked up. I have 2 children and try and concentrate on them although it's hard I have learnt how to deal with them now and they don't scare me too much anymore but there still there don't fight ur thoughts just let them be there and think of the worst thing that could happen thoughts are not fact and although they are horrible and scarey you.will gwt through them take care and you can pm if you need too xx

[Mummytofour]

Thanks Becky, sorry to hear you went through that. That must have been really scary.
I am really trying to just let them wash over me but it's so hard. Especially as I just have to look at my kids and the thoughts are there.
Managed to have a fairly ok day yesterday and got on with things then today I seem to be dizzy and have no energy whatsoever even though I slept well and doing normal housework seems to be taking my breath away. If it's not one thing it's another 😞

[Shezney]

I think it's normal to worry about that stuff when you're a mum , I have 6 and I worry all the time that I won't be around to see them grow up etc

[Mummytofour]

Shezney, in my opinion it is a very normal worry of course. Thing is with me is that it's taken over my mind now, everyday, all day. That's where the problem lies. I can't switch off the thought and get on with normal things because I am consumed the the dread of the what ifs x

[SurfingWaves]

Mindfulness techniques will help a lot while the Cit is starting to work. It will help you step away from the panic for a few brief moments and with practice you can feel a whole lot better from this alone. Take care

[Bantam]

Hi Maxine

This all sounds familiar. I too went on citalopram for a variety of reasons but mainly because irrational worries were taking over my mind and leaving me pretty much paralysed with dread and unable to do anything. My head was dredging up things from years ago and imagining all sorts of terrible ramifications!

When I went on citalopram it actually kicked in more quickly than I expected - it started to work after a week. I was very lucky though in that I didn't have mental side effects, just physical ones. After 2 weeks I was feeling SO much better. I too had no energy and also terrible headaches - I remember going home on day 3 and just sitting on the sofa feeling heavy and exhausted. I didn't even have dinner. Stick with it and have faith - if it worked last time it will hopefully work again, and this will start very soon. In the meantime you have us to remind you you're awesome :yesyes:

How are you feeling today?
Sending you positive vibes.
Pol

[Mummytofour]

Hi, I am one full week on 20 mg now after being on 10mg for a week previous. Have been feeling pretty rubbish today with high anxiety. I have calmed down a little the last hour or so but also had a tooth out today so that hasn't helped matters. My stomach is also not happy with me today probably the nerves at the dentist.
Your extremely lucky having good results that quickly. I expect to have another couple of weeks yet before seeing anything positive but I am hopeful.

Maxine

[DoraFlora]

Maxine,

I had to start up really slowly. Like reallllllly slowly. Was on 2.5mg for 2 weeks, then 5mg, and so on.
And the start up for me (even on 2.5!) was awful I am really sensitive to meds and was started at a time where I was having huge anxiety about an upcoming trip.

Now that I have upped again I am feeling a bit of an increase in anxiety, but am staying hopefully that it will pass.

If you can stick with it, I hope you will see benefit.

Your body adjusting to the meds is a hard process.

---------- Post added at 15:42 ---------- Previous post was at 15:39 ----------


When I first started on cit in may I had the worst intrusive thoughts ever about suicide I scared myself that much with them I took myself to hospital thinking I needed to be locked up. I have 2 children and try and concentrate on them although it's hard I have learnt how to deal with them now and they don't scare me too much anymore but there still there don't fight ur thoughts just let them be there and think of the worst thing that could happen thoughts are not fact and although they are horrible and scarey you.will gwt through them take care and you can pm if you need too xx

Becky-
What dose did you start at? How long until those thoughts subsided? Was any other invention needed or were you able to ride it out with the support of your family?


-Dora

[Mummytofour]

Hi Dora,

It's awful isn't it that it makes anxiety worse before better alongside having to ride out side effects too. Makes for a rough ride. I am just so fed up with it. Usually I have a bit of a break from it in the evenings but not today it seems.
Hope your increase in anxiety doesn't last long x

[DoraFlora]

Hi Maxine,

Now a few more days have passed. Has anything settled out for you yet?

I had a better day yesterday and today (still not "good" but better). That's likely because I worked and was able to do something that kept me actively engaged.
I fear days where I have no plans.
Idle minds...

I hope one day soon to get to a place where I am not afraid of just having a quiet afternoon on my own couch.

-Dora

[Mummytofour]

Hi Dora, glad to hear you have had some good days. I had a fairly good day yesterday too and today has been a bit rubbish so far this morning but then that's normal for me at the minute, mornings bring the worst. Hoping that the afternoon and evening is better. I am a week and half into 20mg now so still early days but there has been an improvement already so hopefully it only gets better.

What dose are you on now? X

[Mummytofour]

Day 12 of 20mg.

Yesterday was not a great day but not horrific either. In the evening I was laying in bed watching a film and came over very tired, achy and dizzy. Just did not feel right at all and it was all of a sudden. Ended up taking a diazepam with the citalopram and going to sleep. Woke up several times in the night which is the norm currently and still tired in the morning.

Today I managed to drag myself out of bed at around 11am after the kids getting in the bed to have cuddles. I then didn't move off the sofa till 3pm to get dressed as I felt so tired and dizzy. More fuzzy headed rather than dizzy actually. I am currently round the in laws for dinner and fireworks so hoping I feel ok for the evening. Not too bad currently if I manage to keep ignoring the head feelings.

[Mummytofour]

Day 20 of citalopram, day 13 of 20mg.

Slept fairly well last night, better than the previous few nights. Dozed on and off for few hours this morning between yet again having snuggles with the kids. Got up and sorted around 11 and retreated to the sofa again mainly due to fuzzy pressure feeli in my head and dizziness. It lessened by around 3 so have managed to do some washing, bath the kids, help with homework etc. Appetite has picked up a bit, still eating smaller amounts but better than not eating at all like last few weeks. Anxiety is there but at a lower amount than before medication. Just want the thoughts to lessen up some more. Side effects are probably causing me more issues than anything at the moment but I am riding out the storm. X

[Mummytofour]

Day 14 of 20mg

Had quite a good day yesterday. Had the usual morning anxiety but it is better than it was. Had a bit of a foggy head during the day but nothing major. Managed to get some housework done in the afternoon and ate 3 meals too which hasn't happened in weeks. During the evening I didn't really have any anxiety and was fairly relaxed.

Day 15

Today has been non stop thoughts really and the dread feeling has lingered all day so far. I am not really having too many side effects currently. My head feels foggy which I think is the main thing now from the medication. I am finding my back is hurting more last few days, this I am putting down to being tense a lot and am trying to relax when I notice I am doing it. Also my sinuses are quite sensitive today and not sure if that's due to the meds or weather changing. Also as of today I am one week smoke free so god knows what effects that's having on me too. Sometimes feel like my chest is tight but again I think I tense the upper half of my body a lot like I am bracing myself for something bad to happen. I am hoping I can get rid of the negative thoughts this evening so I can chill for a bit.

[Mummytofour]

Day 16

Not too bad a day. Anxiety level was quite low, still there but a bit easier to ignore. Back is still aching a lot, head still foggy but I know that's the meds so I ignore it as much as possible. It would help if there wasn't so many physical signs of anxiety as I feel it just fuels it. I can feel quite normal and anxiety is low and then my chest aches and my back aches and the anxiety rises again as I start thinking about it again.

[pollynewsome]

I can't believe how much I ache as a result of the anxiety. I'm almost anxiety free but the aching still continues. I guess it takes time for the body to repair. Here's hoping cos it's agony!!

[Mummytofour]

Hi polly,

That's what I am struggling with at the moment. My entire back aches and chest and occasionally my legs join in but my legs feel more weak and tingly than achy I would say. Shoulders and neck too and head. Keep telling myself that it was only my lower back that ached on and off before the anxiety came back and back on the citalopram so i know it's gotta be the tensing up. Even though I don't realise I am doing it.

Glad to hear your anxiety is getting better though and hope that you get relief from the body aches soon. X

[pollynewsome]

Awww it's horrible. My worst pain is neck and across my shoulders. I have a wheat bag that I pop on microwave to heat it up and I place that round my neck. It seems to help. Hope you hlget relief soon too. Xx

[karenp]

I found Citalopram start up horrific so won't even go there unless my doctor gives me a whole bunch of benzos,lol. Seriously, it really is an hard drug to tolerate but if you can, it worked wonders for me and I went up to 40mg which was easy once I had got to 20mg...I was well for three years, never a day of panic or anxiety but my doctor took me off it and now I'm ill again and under a GP who won't give me more than one benzo a day so I'm trying Amitriptyline. I still have heightened anxiety but no other symptom. I totally sympathise with anyone starting up on an SSRI though who are sensitive to them like me.

[Mummytofour]

Thanks Polly x

Karen, your story is similar to mine I have been on citalopram before for 3 years. Was good when I got up to 30mg. I tapered off though as I had felt better for a while so did as gp said and tapered for quite a while but after 6 months free of them it all came back. Went straight back to the Drs. I was asked straight away how I felt about going back on citalopram and I said I don't care as long as I get rid of the anxiety again!. I said I was worried about getting worse before better and she prescribed me some diazepam to take when needed. I have been having them only if I really get bad so still got some left for emergencies.

How's the amitriptyline going for you? Is that another ssri?

Maxine

[Mummytofour]

Have had fairly good couple of days yesterday and today. Not much anxiety or too many side effects either which is great. Have managed to get on with things a bit more. Still quite tired at times but overall an improvement has been made.

[Becky2785]

Maxine,

I had to start up really slowly. Like reallllllly slowly. Was on 2.5mg for 2 weeks, then 5mg, and so on.
And the start up for me (even on 2.5!) was awful I am really sensitive to meds and was started at a time where I was having huge anxiety about an upcoming trip.

Now that I have upped again I am feeling a bit of an increase in anxiety, but am staying hopefully that it will pass.

If you can stick with it, I hope you will see benefit.

Your body adjusting to the meds is a hard process.

---------- Post added at 15:42 ---------- Previous post was at 15:39 ----------



Becky-
What dose did you start at? How long until those thoughts subsided? Was any other invention needed or were you able to ride it out with the support of your family?


-Dora

Hi Dora I started cit in may only 10mgs and been on them ever since. I also had cbt therapy which really helped me aswell as self help too it is really hard to let them go but you cannot give in it does get better. I never thought I would get to where I am now but 6 months on and I'm 80% better still have my days but I can easily calm myself hope this helps xx

[Mummytofour]

Now 4 weeks exactly on cit and it's been 3 weeks on 20mg.

Last few days have been up and down. My thoughts still go ten to the dozen most of the day really. Haven't got the morning shakiness like I had in the first couple of weeks, anxiety has improved by around 50% I would say.
Physically my back hasn't ached as much today as last few days. Woke up this morning with a headache though and I am pretty certain I was clenching my jaw in the night a lot so that will be the reason for that. I felt pretty dizzy through the morning also today which was pretty annoying but it's still early days so all things considered it could be worse. I have tried to make sure I am relaxing my muscles today by prompted myself to check if I am tensing up from time to time.

[karenp]

Well done getting this far....hopefully the side effects will get easier each week now. Amitriptyline is a really old style AD, it's not an SSRI but still horrible. I'm getting heightened anxiety as ever even with this and have to up my dose tonight. It's a lot easier than Citalopram though but I still keep thinking I am going to have a huge panic attack and all the irrational thoughts. My head hurts too but apart from that, I am coping. But my dose is so low at the moment I need to get up to 75mg really and am still starting 30mg this evening. I just wish I had never let my doctor talk me into coming off Citalopram as I was so perfect and normal on it but it's just too much without sleeping pills and benzos to go through. Good luck....hopefully you will be like me when I took it and start feeling normal around 4pm first, then noon, then 10am until mornings are perfect too. xxx

[Mummytofour]

It is very hard going through the start up. I try to just remind myself that I will feel better eventually as I did before. I wish I had never come off it either although it was my choice and dr agreed as I had been much better for over a year. We thought the anxiety was stemming from an illness I was found to have though at the time but looks like it wasn't. Don't think I will ever want to come off it again. I can't go through it all again.
Hope the new meds work out well for you and good luck with the increase x

---------- Post added at 18:31 ---------- Previous post was at 18:25 ----------

Today has not been the best of days. Felt fairly anxious until around 5pm ish and now it's more low level. Woke with a headache again after clenching my jaw, nausea and a dash to the loo this morning, back, chest and neck ache. Oh and the dizziness too. I think because of the stomach issues this morning that's what set my anxiety off and then bought on all the other things due to tensing up and not breathing correctly. Funny how I can sit and write this and be so rational and yet while it's happening in the day my brain is going into overdrive and telling me I am going to die!

[karenp]

I know exactly what you mean. I become totally irrational but know it's just part of the anxiety and once I am calm (like now) it all seems silly. But I will probs be just the same again tomorrow. Really hope things calm down for you soon. SSRI's are the most evil pills so I am facing the unknown here using Amitriptyline but they claim it's really good, juts as good at least but old school. I'm really dreading Christmas as I am broke because of not being able to work and just the thought of still feeling ill. But here's to next year xxxx

[Mummytofour]

I am the same, signed off work and broke for Christmas too. My other half is trying to work some weekends to cover part of my wages but it's not going to be nearly enough. Just have to do the best we can this year and we always have next year x

[Mummytofour]

Yesterday was a half and half day. Was fairly anxious for part of the day but not all day. My other half went to a friends for the evening which a couple of weeks ago I couldn't have him go as I couldn't be on my own or even with a friend here as I needed the comfort of him being here so that's a step forward.

Today has been pretty good. Barely any anxiety. Even the thoughts have subsided today and although they pop in my head they go away. Like I haven't been going round in circles and dwelling on the thoughts like normal. That has been great. Woke with a headache from night time clenching of my jaw again but that soon went after some paracetamol. Bit of backache at times but nothing too bad.

[Mummytofour]

Well 20 days has passed since I last updated. That in itself shows that I am feeling a fair bit better. I am still not fully back to myself but better than a few weeks ago. I don't have the crippling anxiety anymore I just have a low level uncertainty most of the day. Quite hard to describe but it's like I feel like it's still there just waiting to pounce and letting me know that I am not free of it completely. Still remain on 20mg, mainly due to not having the guts to go to 30mg yet. I do think I will need to, to get the full benefits but I am so nervous of the increased anxiety and other side effects that I am being a wuss. I may try in a couple of days and see how I go. There's never a good time though. My other halfs off work this week so was going to do it this week but I have some training for work coming up for three days and after not working for about 2 months I didn't want to have effects from increased dose and not make the training as I cannot have anymore time on sick pay.

[Mummytofour]

Another update. Hopefully I don't have to look back on this in the future but in case I do I need to keep updating. Also might help anyone else starting up on citalopram. So last couple days I have felt like anxiety is there in the background trying to creep back in. Yesterday afternoon I was quite anxious and did take a diazepam as I was going out with the kids and didn't want to get panicked while out as I could feel it. I have had a sickness bug the last couple of days too or been glutened not sure which but this may have been the reason for feeling bad yesterday. I bit the bullet last night though and upped to 30mg. Just did it quick and swallowed them before I could change my mind and wuss out again so here goes. Am hoping I don't have too many side effects from increasing and will report on what I do get. So far have woke up with a headache and clenching my jaw but that's pretty normal at the moment.

[Mummytofour]

Day 3 of 30mg and nothing much to report really. Have actually felt pretty good today although I am guessing the effects won't quite hit until next few days. I have felt tensed up at times but quite chilled at the same time if that makes any sense. Hoping to get a smooth ride from increase as days 4-7 seem to be my worst days upon start up and increase so will see over the next few days.

[pollynewsome]

You are doing so well. Just a little bit of encouragement. I was also scared of increasing dose to 30mg, however I did it and so glad I did. Approx 7 weeks I think at 30mg and hardly any anxiety!! Side affects were minimal which was my biggest fear. Hope it goes smoothly like it did for me. Xx

[Annifrid]

Keep your head up!
I would be scared too, if I had to up my dose to 30mg.
Hopefully I can stick to 20 mg.
Good luck, Mummytofour. x

[Mummytofour]

Thanks annifrid and polly for the encouragement. Hearing that you did it with out much trouble polly did make it easier for me. I keep thinking I might not get much side effects like you.

Day 4 today of increase and although it's only morning. Still feel like I am doing quite well. Maybe a tiny increase in anxiety but nothing too bad. Tense jaw and clenching is a pain but again not too bad. Will see how the rest of the day goes.

[Mummytofour]

Have had a fairly good day today. Was a bit tensed up this morning but that eased off towards lunchtime. The afternoon was ok and this evening I have a headache and sore lower back. After realising I had a headache I also noticed I had a frown and realised I had been scrunching my head up most of the day so that explains the headache. Fingers crossed for another good day tomorrow

[Sage579]

I had a recent relaspe and restarted my celexA trust me I know how you feel. The meds can increase your symptoms before it gets better. Just keep with it I promise it'll be better iam nearly at week 5 at 30mg and feels like I turned the corner the other day.

[Mummytofour]

That's good to hear sage. I am not having it to bad so far on 30mg, day 5 today and I have been out doing some xmas shopping on my own and felt fine. Getting back ache and bit of a headache but anxiety is pretty low so that's good.

[Mummytofour]

Day 7 of increased dose today. Yesterday I had a bit of increased anxiety but not too bad. I kept myself busy and it subsided throughout the day. I had back ache on and off throughout the day and headache too.

Today I am also feeling increased anxiety in fact a short while ago I came over a bit lightheaded and dizzy and felt like a panic attack was coming on so I drank some water and went and sat down. I have had back ache since I got up, top and bottom and bit of a dull headache and tense jaw. I feel like I am more anxious today due to the back ache as it's really making me feel rubbish but then the back ache is probably due to anxiety in the first place so it's a vicious circle.

[Mummytofour]

Hoping the rest of the day is not going to be as bad as the morning has been so far. Woke up with bit of nausea and my back ache and tingly legs and that just started it off I think. Sitting drinking a cup of tea and had the horrible lightheaded feeling come over me and went dizzy and very hot. Told myself that I am panicking and to ignore it and it subsided a bit after that. I got a few things done and now laying back in bed for a bit. Either it's the increase in dose ramping my anxiety up or it's the back ache and tingly legs, headache and tummy symptoms making me anxious. Whichever one it is it can bugger off.

[Mummytofour]

Ok so the rest of that day went pretty well. I kept myself busy and went and had a night round my mums and was fine. It's now wed evening and the last few days have also been quite good I am not quite 2 weeks yet on 30mg but doing quite well so far. I am not getting much in the way of side effects really. All in all I am glad I increased when I did as xmas is round the corner and I am better than I was and hopefully will just continue to get better. I do still have the occasional thoughts run through my head but not with the same intense doom feeling that was with it before. I still have some anxiety don't get me wrong I still feel uneasy at times but it's more manageable .

[Mummytofour]

So I have been feeling a bit on edge this late afternoon/evening. Pretty sure its because I was out xmas shopping most of the day and now I am suffering with my back again due to being on my feet all day and holding bags no doubt. My muscles in upper back have been hurting a lot recently and had calmed down last few days so it has put me off again today. So annoying. It has almost been two weeks now on 30mg so still early days which I keep telling myself but when I have a few good days and then not so good days it throws you off. No real side effects though from the increase now.

[Mummytofour]

Now just over 2 weeks into 30mg and feel a bit anxious this evening. Have been fine really all day but very busy so think now I have stopped and I am knackered its hit me. Sometimes I can rationalise so well but it doesn't work. I have probably done the stupidest thing and stopped smoking a week or so into starting citalopram so have dealt with start up of meds and withdrawals from smoking. To be fair I think that I haven't had it too bad when I think of those two things together but I am dealing with sinus problems, itchy throat, tingly mouth and feel like I can't get a proper breath which is probably the opposite in truth but it's making me more anxious obviously as I feel unwell. Oh well, hopefully it will be over soon.

[Mummytofour]

So I am now 3 weeks on 30mg. Lost track of how long I have been back on citalopram altogether though. I have had a fairly good few days recently but today has been half and half again. Was fine really for the first half of the day but since mid afternoon I have felt a bit anxious again and it's bloody xmas eve which along with xmas day is my fav days of the year!. I have had that foggy/ pressure feeling in my head this afternoon tho which caused the anxiety to come on I think as I hate the feeling so much. As well as my very sore tongue and sinus issue (due to quitting smoking I think, will see dr next week if no better) it all makes me worry. I reckon it's between 2nd/3rd week that my head starts playing up due to startup or increases so here's to riding this out for a few days. Just pls anxiety, do me a favour and stay the hell away from my xmas day!