looking4answers
02-04-07, 23:29
After almost a year of being anxious and depressed and emotional with symptoms that are affecting me in the most profound way.I think that I may have found the whole reason or partial reason for my distress.
Its been months of suffering anxiety and depression for a cause that was unknown to me.I have been having a series of dreams very vivid and may be giving me clues to what is wrong.
I was married for 23 years to a woman that was bipolar that caused major stress in my life and I swore after I divorced her that I would never get married again.Well I had a series of people that I had feelings with that for some reason or another it didnt work out which was fine with me because I knew that I would be alone the rest of my life..
I accidently met someone almost five years ago and had no intention of being involved..Well that was not what was to happen..We met fell madly in love and married.I was happy felt at home and felt family again.We traveled and enjoyed our life and was happy.Over a period of time I found myself getting anxious, a little here and a little there but ignored it pretty much.We were on the go so much that I pretty much felt content and happy .or thought..Our relationship didn't turn out to be what I thought it was and well .. I thought ok well you got married again then you can get out of it again..
I really had no intention and don't even now of getting away from my second wife but we were living in new orleans and the storm hit.We had planned on moving out of the country before the storm and had already started packing...one of the reasons that many of our things survived.I was ready for the move and think that I would have enjoyed living out of the country but I cant really say ..
We lived on the other side of the river that suffered little or no damage and so we had really no issues getting our house repaired and sold.We decided for the childrens sake since they relocated all over the country perhaps it was better to stay in the country .A few years before we had bought land in a rural place in Colorado..So the most logical thing to do was to investigate whether it would be a good place to live during the time we could not go back to New Orleans..
We came here and found people that were migrants here and enjoyed their life here..We found more land and bought it and built a house here.One of the things I think that bothers me is the fact that we have both grown up and lived in Metro areas most of our lives.This place is so small its smaller than some places that I have visited in another country..
Anyway Im getting to the point I was trying to make.We sold our house in a place I had felt at home for the first time in most of my life.We built a home here where the nearest neighbor is a half mile away and there are only 6 homes in 8000 acres about 10 minutes from the small town.We had many projects getting our home ready to occupy..After we completed those and got settled my mind has struggled with the fact that we are home..At first everything looked so foreign to me my mind couldn't accept the fact that we were in fact at home..
I have struggled with that and finally almost made piece..we are newly retired which most people would think that is wonderful but going from a productive human to no schedule or goals is sad..It gives you a feeling of is this all there is? I started worrying .. is this the end of my life and the move here and getting settled just went off to easy..I said there has to be a catch.. and no one lives doing what they want to do..I have had responsibilities all my life..this added to the fire..although at 52 I had never thought of myself as old but now look back at photos of us when we were first together and realized we felt younger then and thought we were but really didnt look that different than we do now,but mentally feel that we have aged 20 years and think that in someways we have ..
Here is the final punch line.I suppose in my life I have never had any permanant plans on staying in any one place..now we have invested so much time and energy into this place it looks to be home for the rest of our lives..No we can 't sell it even for a fraction of what we have put into it so please don't say that.Even though I have suffered depression and anxiety my sex life really hasnt been that empty..I made it through without a heart attack which isnt that odd since well i have been told by many there is nothing wrong with me.Recently my sex life has gone ziltch.. I just don't think about it much anymore ,I find myself seeing changes of consideration towards me things that would have never been before..It bothers me I guess it shouldnt but im am feeling more and more resentful towards phrazes she says and put things.. Its a really longer story than that. .I don't really know how I feel about anything anymore ,her, my life, this place or anything but I know that I have been having dreams about my ex wife,nothing but the same actions as real life but I have had recently about 5 dreams that involved younger women..
Thats really odd because my mind is really absence from sex..They have been somewhat erotic but more romantic.. I feel that maybe I miss being young and don't want to be the age I am nor tied down..which this is the irony ..even if i wasnt married I can't reverse the aging process.I would still be old and still be lonely for the passion that i have experienced in my life.. Over the years I have been married to my second wife i don't have that passion nor does she anymore..Its a binding thing a romantic thing something that brings people together..I just wonder if I associate all this and living here and this place with the end of my life..
I know this sounds like a person that has way to much time on their hands but I do stay busy and buiser than I have been in awhile..I have a theory that when I married her..I felt that this is it.. and when we came to this place I felt this is it too.. and i look at myself in the mirror and long for my youth and just find more and more everyday I cannot do the things I used to ..I can't resolve these things all I can do is just grin and bear it and try to adjust myself to the fact of being involved with the last person I ever will be with living in the last house I ever will and knowing that im on the last stretch of my life.I think that is what the clincher was.. when we moved here..Everything became so final ,like no future and nothing to look forward to and focusing on everything that caused me to be anxious and worry about dying or being ill.. Its like a waiting game everyday no matter what you do it seems that everyday is the same day and you are waiting on something but not sure what.Could it be death. How at such a young but old age you could be so final and that nothing great or happy would ever happed to you again? Its all tied together.. my marriage,my home and the place we live and ,my age something that cannot be reversed..a longing for youth although im not hobbled over and crippled..my mind makes me feel that ..Like Im in a place just waiting to die..
I dont know what the solution is.. but I have found a thought pattern and with the help of the dreams I realize its a fear of age and permanance and that is primarily the cause of my anxiety .. it causes my depression and anxiety and somedays its better than others.. When we came here the doctor said that we both had post traumatic stress disorder..Well I have found that it streches more than from New Orleans it goes to a fear of permanance and age and feeling nothing inside.. I felt special when I married this woman but have found her comtemp for me getting worse with everyday.
I know you would say divorce but at this age what would I do where would I go..All my life I have had plans somewhere to go things to do and people to see..my life has cease to exist and most days even when the weather is beautful I feel that there is no reason to keep on..Sleeping is a great way to escape but i don't .I get up and get going and fight through the day to be able to be scared that I wont make it through another day .. Its terrible to fear for a life that there is no reason to fear for..You will all say seek professional help but the professional help is going to say that its something I have to come to grips with so what do you do..?I am sorry this post is so long ..It just helps me to state things that I have realized in hopes of maybe someone reading and realizing maybe something that makes them anxious or depressed ,maybe something that they never thought of.. But most of all it helps to express my thoughts here and say ,hey i think that I figured it out whats bothering me,but now the question is what do i do about it ,if there is anything i can do about it..
I aplogize for the length once again and i appreciate the ability and permission to post here and the wonderful people that respond to me and encourage me..There are people in my life a few that try to encourage me..but as of yet havent found the reason for my feelings ,now that i have pretty much realized it,I just have to accept things as they are and consider myself lucky and try to move on with the end of the ballgame.. Lol..thanks for letting me express myself and good luck to all of you.I pray for you every night to have your problems resolved..God Bless
Its been months of suffering anxiety and depression for a cause that was unknown to me.I have been having a series of dreams very vivid and may be giving me clues to what is wrong.
I was married for 23 years to a woman that was bipolar that caused major stress in my life and I swore after I divorced her that I would never get married again.Well I had a series of people that I had feelings with that for some reason or another it didnt work out which was fine with me because I knew that I would be alone the rest of my life..
I accidently met someone almost five years ago and had no intention of being involved..Well that was not what was to happen..We met fell madly in love and married.I was happy felt at home and felt family again.We traveled and enjoyed our life and was happy.Over a period of time I found myself getting anxious, a little here and a little there but ignored it pretty much.We were on the go so much that I pretty much felt content and happy .or thought..Our relationship didn't turn out to be what I thought it was and well .. I thought ok well you got married again then you can get out of it again..
I really had no intention and don't even now of getting away from my second wife but we were living in new orleans and the storm hit.We had planned on moving out of the country before the storm and had already started packing...one of the reasons that many of our things survived.I was ready for the move and think that I would have enjoyed living out of the country but I cant really say ..
We lived on the other side of the river that suffered little or no damage and so we had really no issues getting our house repaired and sold.We decided for the childrens sake since they relocated all over the country perhaps it was better to stay in the country .A few years before we had bought land in a rural place in Colorado..So the most logical thing to do was to investigate whether it would be a good place to live during the time we could not go back to New Orleans..
We came here and found people that were migrants here and enjoyed their life here..We found more land and bought it and built a house here.One of the things I think that bothers me is the fact that we have both grown up and lived in Metro areas most of our lives.This place is so small its smaller than some places that I have visited in another country..
Anyway Im getting to the point I was trying to make.We sold our house in a place I had felt at home for the first time in most of my life.We built a home here where the nearest neighbor is a half mile away and there are only 6 homes in 8000 acres about 10 minutes from the small town.We had many projects getting our home ready to occupy..After we completed those and got settled my mind has struggled with the fact that we are home..At first everything looked so foreign to me my mind couldn't accept the fact that we were in fact at home..
I have struggled with that and finally almost made piece..we are newly retired which most people would think that is wonderful but going from a productive human to no schedule or goals is sad..It gives you a feeling of is this all there is? I started worrying .. is this the end of my life and the move here and getting settled just went off to easy..I said there has to be a catch.. and no one lives doing what they want to do..I have had responsibilities all my life..this added to the fire..although at 52 I had never thought of myself as old but now look back at photos of us when we were first together and realized we felt younger then and thought we were but really didnt look that different than we do now,but mentally feel that we have aged 20 years and think that in someways we have ..
Here is the final punch line.I suppose in my life I have never had any permanant plans on staying in any one place..now we have invested so much time and energy into this place it looks to be home for the rest of our lives..No we can 't sell it even for a fraction of what we have put into it so please don't say that.Even though I have suffered depression and anxiety my sex life really hasnt been that empty..I made it through without a heart attack which isnt that odd since well i have been told by many there is nothing wrong with me.Recently my sex life has gone ziltch.. I just don't think about it much anymore ,I find myself seeing changes of consideration towards me things that would have never been before..It bothers me I guess it shouldnt but im am feeling more and more resentful towards phrazes she says and put things.. Its a really longer story than that. .I don't really know how I feel about anything anymore ,her, my life, this place or anything but I know that I have been having dreams about my ex wife,nothing but the same actions as real life but I have had recently about 5 dreams that involved younger women..
Thats really odd because my mind is really absence from sex..They have been somewhat erotic but more romantic.. I feel that maybe I miss being young and don't want to be the age I am nor tied down..which this is the irony ..even if i wasnt married I can't reverse the aging process.I would still be old and still be lonely for the passion that i have experienced in my life.. Over the years I have been married to my second wife i don't have that passion nor does she anymore..Its a binding thing a romantic thing something that brings people together..I just wonder if I associate all this and living here and this place with the end of my life..
I know this sounds like a person that has way to much time on their hands but I do stay busy and buiser than I have been in awhile..I have a theory that when I married her..I felt that this is it.. and when we came to this place I felt this is it too.. and i look at myself in the mirror and long for my youth and just find more and more everyday I cannot do the things I used to ..I can't resolve these things all I can do is just grin and bear it and try to adjust myself to the fact of being involved with the last person I ever will be with living in the last house I ever will and knowing that im on the last stretch of my life.I think that is what the clincher was.. when we moved here..Everything became so final ,like no future and nothing to look forward to and focusing on everything that caused me to be anxious and worry about dying or being ill.. Its like a waiting game everyday no matter what you do it seems that everyday is the same day and you are waiting on something but not sure what.Could it be death. How at such a young but old age you could be so final and that nothing great or happy would ever happed to you again? Its all tied together.. my marriage,my home and the place we live and ,my age something that cannot be reversed..a longing for youth although im not hobbled over and crippled..my mind makes me feel that ..Like Im in a place just waiting to die..
I dont know what the solution is.. but I have found a thought pattern and with the help of the dreams I realize its a fear of age and permanance and that is primarily the cause of my anxiety .. it causes my depression and anxiety and somedays its better than others.. When we came here the doctor said that we both had post traumatic stress disorder..Well I have found that it streches more than from New Orleans it goes to a fear of permanance and age and feeling nothing inside.. I felt special when I married this woman but have found her comtemp for me getting worse with everyday.
I know you would say divorce but at this age what would I do where would I go..All my life I have had plans somewhere to go things to do and people to see..my life has cease to exist and most days even when the weather is beautful I feel that there is no reason to keep on..Sleeping is a great way to escape but i don't .I get up and get going and fight through the day to be able to be scared that I wont make it through another day .. Its terrible to fear for a life that there is no reason to fear for..You will all say seek professional help but the professional help is going to say that its something I have to come to grips with so what do you do..?I am sorry this post is so long ..It just helps me to state things that I have realized in hopes of maybe someone reading and realizing maybe something that makes them anxious or depressed ,maybe something that they never thought of.. But most of all it helps to express my thoughts here and say ,hey i think that I figured it out whats bothering me,but now the question is what do i do about it ,if there is anything i can do about it..
I aplogize for the length once again and i appreciate the ability and permission to post here and the wonderful people that respond to me and encourage me..There are people in my life a few that try to encourage me..but as of yet havent found the reason for my feelings ,now that i have pretty much realized it,I just have to accept things as they are and consider myself lucky and try to move on with the end of the ballgame.. Lol..thanks for letting me express myself and good luck to all of you.I pray for you every night to have your problems resolved..God Bless