I Think That I Finally Figured Out Why?

[looking4answers]

After almost a year of being anxious and depressed and emotional with symptoms that are affecting me in the most profound way.I think that I may have found the whole reason or partial reason for my distress.

Its been months of suffering anxiety and depression for a cause that was unknown to me.I have been having a series of dreams very vivid and may be giving me clues to what is wrong.

I was married for 23 years to a woman that was bipolar that caused major stress in my life and I swore after I divorced her that I would never get married again.Well I had a series of people that I had feelings with that for some reason or another it didnt work out which was fine with me because I knew that I would be alone the rest of my life..

I accidently met someone almost five years ago and had no intention of being involved..Well that was not what was to happen..We met fell madly in love and married.I was happy felt at home and felt family again.We traveled and enjoyed our life and was happy.Over a period of time I found myself getting anxious, a little here and a little there but ignored it pretty much.We were on the go so much that I pretty much felt content and happy .or thought..Our relationship didn't turn out to be what I thought it was and well .. I thought ok well you got married again then you can get out of it again..

I really had no intention and don't even now of getting away from my second wife but we were living in new orleans and the storm hit.We had planned on moving out of the country before the storm and had already started packing...one of the reasons that many of our things survived.I was ready for the move and think that I would have enjoyed living out of the country but I cant really say ..

We lived on the other side of the river that suffered little or no damage and so we had really no issues getting our house repaired and sold.We decided for the childrens sake since they relocated all over the country perhaps it was better to stay in the country .A few years before we had bought land in a rural place in Colorado..So the most logical thing to do was to investigate whether it would be a good place to live during the time we could not go back to New Orleans..

We came here and found people that were migrants here and enjoyed their life here..We found more land and bought it and built a house here.One of the things I think that bothers me is the fact that we have both grown up and lived in Metro areas most of our lives.This place is so small its smaller than some places that I have visited in another country..

Anyway Im getting to the point I was trying to make.We sold our house in a place I had felt at home for the first time in most of my life.We built a home here where the nearest neighbor is a half mile away and there are only 6 homes in 8000 acres about 10 minutes from the small town.We had many projects getting our home ready to occupy..After we completed those and got settled my mind has struggled with the fact that we are home..At first everything looked so foreign to me my mind couldn't accept the fact that we were in fact at home..

I have struggled with that and finally almost made piece..we are newly retired which most people would think that is wonderful but going from a productive human to no schedule or goals is sad..It gives you a feeling of is this all there is? I started worrying .. is this the end of my life and the move here and getting settled just went off to easy..I said there has to be a catch.. and no one lives doing what they want to do..I have had responsibilities all my life..this added to the fire..although at 52 I had never thought of myself as old but now look back at photos of us when we were first together and realized we felt younger then and thought we were but really didnt look that different than we do now,but mentally feel that we have aged 20 years and think that in someways we have ..

Here is the final punch line.I suppose in my life I have never had any permanant plans on staying in any one place..now we have invested so much time and energy into this place it looks to be home for the rest of our lives..No we can 't sell it even for a fraction of what we have put into it so please don't say that.Even though I have suffered depression and anxiety my sex life really hasnt been that empty..I made it through without a heart attack which isnt that odd since well i have been told by many there is nothing wrong with me.Recently my sex life has gone ziltch.. I just don't think about it much anymore ,I find myself seeing changes of consideration towards me things that would have never been before..It bothers me I guess it shouldnt but im am feeling more and more resentful towards phrazes she says and put things.. Its a really longer story than that. .I don't really know how I feel about anything anymore ,her, my life, this place or anything but I know that I have been having dreams about my ex wife,nothing but the same actions as real life but I have had recently about 5 dreams that involved younger women..

Thats really odd because my mind is really absence from sex..They have been somewhat erotic but more romantic.. I feel that maybe I miss being young and don't want to be the age I am nor tied down..which this is the irony ..even if i wasnt married I can't reverse the aging process.I would still be old and still be lonely for the passion that i have experienced in my life.. Over the years I have been married to my second wife i don't have that passion nor does she anymore..Its a binding thing a romantic thing something that brings people together..I just wonder if I associate all this and living here and this place with the end of my life..

I know this sounds like a person that has way to much time on their hands but I do stay busy and buiser than I have been in awhile..I have a theory that when I married her..I felt that this is it.. and when we came to this place I felt this is it too.. and i look at myself in the mirror and long for my youth and just find more and more everyday I cannot do the things I used to ..I can't resolve these things all I can do is just grin and bear it and try to adjust myself to the fact of being involved with the last person I ever will be with living in the last house I ever will and knowing that im on the last stretch of my life.I think that is what the clincher was.. when we moved here..Everything became so final ,like no future and nothing to look forward to and focusing on everything that caused me to be anxious and worry about dying or being ill.. Its like a waiting game everyday no matter what you do it seems that everyday is the same day and you are waiting on something but not sure what.Could it be death. How at such a young but old age you could be so final and that nothing great or happy would ever happed to you again? Its all tied together.. my marriage,my home and the place we live and ,my age something that cannot be reversed..a longing for youth although im not hobbled over and crippled..my mind makes me feel that ..Like Im in a place just waiting to die..

I dont know what the solution is.. but I have found a thought pattern and with the help of the dreams I realize its a fear of age and permanance and that is primarily the cause of my anxiety .. it causes my depression and anxiety and somedays its better than others.. When we came here the doctor said that we both had post traumatic stress disorder..Well I have found that it streches more than from New Orleans it goes to a fear of permanance and age and feeling nothing inside.. I felt special when I married this woman but have found her comtemp for me getting worse with everyday.

I know you would say divorce but at this age what would I do where would I go..All my life I have had plans somewhere to go things to do and people to see..my life has cease to exist and most days even when the weather is beautful I feel that there is no reason to keep on..Sleeping is a great way to escape but i don't .I get up and get going and fight through the day to be able to be scared that I wont make it through another day .. Its terrible to fear for a life that there is no reason to fear for..You will all say seek professional help but the professional help is going to say that its something I have to come to grips with so what do you do..?I am sorry this post is so long ..It just helps me to state things that I have realized in hopes of maybe someone reading and realizing maybe something that makes them anxious or depressed ,maybe something that they never thought of.. But most of all it helps to express my thoughts here and say ,hey i think that I figured it out whats bothering me,but now the question is what do i do about it ,if there is anything i can do about it..

I aplogize for the length once again and i appreciate the ability and permission to post here and the wonderful people that respond to me and encourage me..There are people in my life a few that try to encourage me..but as of yet havent found the reason for my feelings ,now that i have pretty much realized it,I just have to accept things as they are and consider myself lucky and try to move on with the end of the ballgame.. Lol..thanks for letting me express myself and good luck to all of you.I pray for you every night to have your problems resolved..God Bless

[jo61]

That's a lovely post and you've obviously thought everything out in a clear manner. Don't apologise for long posts - mine tend to be shockingly short! It's good to get it down on paper and helps clarify further.

[groovygranny]

Hello L4A :)

I agree with jo61 - please don't apologise for a long post, we are all here for, and interested in, each other no matter how long or short the posts are!!

Your post was very poignant and sensitive with maybe a little sadness here and there?

I'm 52 also, and this time could perhaps be viewed as being nearer the end of our lives than the beginning, or time to still get as much as we can out of it before we get too creaky and cranky!

I suppose finding the happy medium is the key to our peace. We're not as young as we were, but we're also not yet ready for the scrapheap!

It's good you have an insight into the cause of your life-difficulties, and no doubt we have all wondered what road our lives may have taken "if only".

Nigel is right you know, there's a lot more life ahead of us and the journey towards the end of it is what we make of it - but we need to keep looking forward. Looking back too often will only cause us to stumble and lose our footing.............and I'm not ready for me Zimmer Frame yet!

Peace to you :hugs:

[looking4answers]

I appreciate your replies although now that I have come to realizations ,I am not sure just quite how to handle it.I try to look forward and make little contributions to that but as I realized the reason for the discovery the more that I accomplish makes everything even seem harder if that makes any sense whatsover.I wake everyday with the thoughts now that I put down in this forum..I have been coached by two good friends to just stop thinking about health.They say if you stop thinking about it or focus only on the positive then I will become that way .With every step towards keeping busy I find I get tired more easily.My mind is swirling all around trying to deal what I have discovered.You say why don't you do things that you never had a chance at .Thats the bad thing,there are only a few things that I have never had a chance at doing..

These are like mostly travel and now with the feelings I have or getting tired do quickly,im not sure that Im up for travel ,other than that..I can't really think of anything that I want to accomplish..This is rather bad for a guy that several years ago had nothing but ideas and thoughts as to what he wanted to do.My interest in life is dwainging something terrible.I handle issues on working at our home about fixing this and that and even mentally these have become a chore..My mind seems to think that if I just don't think it will all go away..but it could be that im in a slump because of what I have realized and Ill pull out of it.I do have a greenhouse that i wanted to get up and running but at the present for the first time in years will be short of money for the moment..Its depresssing..

I overpaid a person that i thought was very poor and needed the money to do things here around our home ,I also gave money that I really didn't have to give to a person that was very needy ,neglecting us and not realizing that we could have used that money as well..I made some mistakes and it will take a little longer to recover than I thought so we are now living on a very tight budget which is hard to do when you are so used to not having to worry about a budget at all..Anyway hopefully I will get things back to where they used to be and renew interest in the simple things.The weather is going back to springtime but has sudden chills and wind ..That makes for the unsual aches that we are suffering and the altitude as well.

I am fighting this depression and anxiety but sometimes it feels as if my mind isnt working to well and my body is getting weaker and my heart seems to feel as if it is failing although I have been told there is nothing wrong with me I would like for my heart to know that.My days seem bizarre at times like today we woke early ,worked around the house handled buisness that I really had no interest in and couldn't seem to keep my mind on and at 7pm believe it or not laid down to take a nap..No dinner or anything..I woke at 10 pm not requesting my wife to cook as it was so late so we made a quick small sandwich as to go back and go to sleep possibly helping us to feel better tomorrow..

This didnt happen.She sat and played her games on the computer I tried to sleep and well its kind of hard with someone playing computer games next to you ..a person that normally is so tired she feels like laying down and sleeping anytime any place and has so many times and I stayed laying down quietly beside her and even napping when she did..Waking at 10 pm for the evening makes you feel strange to start with but I thought perhaps we would retire early tonight to try to get our bodies to feeling better.. but it doesnt seem to be going to happen.I signed on to see if anyone posted to me and apprecaite the comments and im fighting this as much as I can taking everyday as it comes.The elements and the bizarre behavior that she exhibits really makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

She sleeps late and later when she pleases but when im tired its strange how she gets the urge to stay up later and has so much energy that I don't understand,when she can't even get up to help me feed the animals..Its all a mystery to me .. But its an odd night and hope that I can get my mind back on track to be able to function to be somewhat normal again.. Its really wandering today and as I laid down this evening at 7pm I felt worse physcially than I have ever felt in a long time even now im not feeling well..Can your mind litteraly kill you ?Is that whats happening here..I have become so discusted with life and my feelings that I just don't want to deal with it so it becomes stress and makes me ill trying to make it all go away.

I hope not and will give it my best shot to make it better,but thought that I would post to say its really not that easy to just renew interest in things or find new things to do to look towards an uncertain future however its nice to know that I can sign on here and know that someone understands how i feel and is making an effort to help me get better.I thank you again and hope that things also go dormant that bother you..Thanks for letting me post and thanks for reading my life and the chance to relieve the stress of it and to have someone that listens to me ..