Echojade
04-11-16, 13:10
I NEED HELP PLEASE.
Firstly I welcome all opinions about my situation as i am at a complete loss myself.
Secondly i also welcome honesty.... if you think i am in the wrong about anything, by all means let me know.....
As i am sure.... i am probably not the only one who can become confused by reality because of my issues....
Okay, here goes...
Background to this ongoing problem: i am in a relationship where there is an adult child belonging to my partner. Without hashing it all..... my relationship to the 'child ' is greeting based only. If i attempt any gift giving.... lets say it is unappreciated (by both father and son ) and i am allowed no say or opinions when it comes to ride giving, money or time being spent with the other even if it directly affects me and my plans for that day. Even plans which were preplanned long before the 'new' plan came into existance. And i am NOT invited to any functions/activities with them.
Please note I also had children when i met my partner and after my decisions were done; my prior life connections felt that my choice to come to the uk was unforgivable and therefore i no longer have any family left. Ultimately my choice for the love of my partner cost me every year of my old life. Eveything and everyone from my past is gone.
I dont ask people to understand the choice i made and the basis of telling you is strictly for information about the situation. So you can see where im coming from emotionally.
Due to my lack of life, job, and social connections combined with the physical symptons of my anxiety..... i spend alot of time at home. My partner does tend to stay with me........... UNTIL he gets a better offer. Then i am left alone.
I do understand that the emotional turrmoil of my life drama can be a scary thought when faced with having to tell me bad news and that can be off putting. For F's sake i am in the same boat. I am just as captive of the red zone as the person caught in the crossfire but after the sudden 'oomph' of the wave i am levelheaded. Now i know i do this.... its why i am in therapy. I respond in a RAW fashion due to past trauma and the inability to process the emotions of those circumstances.
Trust me when i say i do not in any way excuse my reactions or my inability to just deal quietly with what i interpet to be a right out slap of rejection.its why i am in cognitive behavoural therapy. And i get that.... but what i dont get is why things went t*t up backwards lastnight when i was attemting to share what i had learned in therapy the other day.
Heres what happened:
On wednesday, partner came home, everything lovely and happy...... moments pass and his demeanor changes as he blurts out in an ordering fashion "im going to a concert with my son on november 13" .
Although he had already triggered my defense mode because of his bossy "your going to do what your told" stance. (You should know I have issues with the whole male dominence thing as it is from a previous point in life.... i dont respond well. I go into male piss contest role of being. Basically... i get ready for a fight. I get this is unvalidated as far as social allowances go, but in my mind im instantly into red zone fight or flight mode....... and im working on it.)
When i errupt, it is fleating. I am extremely logical...... but i have a switch that overrides my logic..... i lash out when im hurt.
So i reacted WRONG. I got angry and hurt. I instantly felt i was being decieved, rejected, austrosized, unworthy, unimportant. I was MAD!
As with all of our exploding moments....... everything goes into shutdown mode.... no one speaks..... no one makes eye contact. Its HORRIBLE AND AWKWARD.
I had a therapy an hour later and i discussed the incident. I realized that my emotional trigger is a mixture of fear (about being completely alone. I am technically only one person away from being a hermit) , rejection from not being included, but the BIG thing i realize is that there is resentment......
I resent that he can still do things with his kid, his family and his friends in his country......
I cant.
I dont have this option.
I realize i gave it up. I made choices. I made the move. I get that ultimately its all my fault. But a portion of me feels he should be obligted to atleast be willing to try and approach me in a nicer fashion.
Just TALK with me! But he isnt willing to hear my points.
This became overly obvious by what happened next:
I asked him to sit down last night and talk.
I took the lead and i began by saying that i would like to explain why i reacted so bad. I calmly admitted that Yes, there is an instant annoyance that he is going out without me, because we never go out. But i explained thats a fleeting feeling... the big thing was i was reacting with resentment and envy at the fact that each and everyday..... its in my face that although my life changed dramatically..... his life remained on the same path, basically i was trying to stress that he has opportunities which i should have had but gave up.....for my selfish desire to love him and be with him.
Now i take blame for all of it. I always have, no one held a gun to my head... it was my doing.
But he FREAKED OUT! He jumped up and said "how dare i say his life hasnt changed" and i immediately back peddled trying to explain that im not excusing how i reacted, simply trying to make him understand why it hurts me so much.
He began yelling about how he never sees his son........
(for info; he talks to his kid everday atleast once, the son comes to our house an average two times a week for about 4 or so hours and my partner goes to his footy games every sunday for 3 hours and now they have a tradition of going to events every birthday and christmas and apparently november has been added to the list.)
As usual my partner storms off and my world collapses and suddenly im grovelling and dismissing my own feelings.
Begging for forgiveness.
WHY?!
Can someone help me please?
Im so confused. I feel in the wrong now but my feelings say im right.
Any advice please?
Firstly I welcome all opinions about my situation as i am at a complete loss myself.
Secondly i also welcome honesty.... if you think i am in the wrong about anything, by all means let me know.....
As i am sure.... i am probably not the only one who can become confused by reality because of my issues....
Okay, here goes...
Background to this ongoing problem: i am in a relationship where there is an adult child belonging to my partner. Without hashing it all..... my relationship to the 'child ' is greeting based only. If i attempt any gift giving.... lets say it is unappreciated (by both father and son ) and i am allowed no say or opinions when it comes to ride giving, money or time being spent with the other even if it directly affects me and my plans for that day. Even plans which were preplanned long before the 'new' plan came into existance. And i am NOT invited to any functions/activities with them.
Please note I also had children when i met my partner and after my decisions were done; my prior life connections felt that my choice to come to the uk was unforgivable and therefore i no longer have any family left. Ultimately my choice for the love of my partner cost me every year of my old life. Eveything and everyone from my past is gone.
I dont ask people to understand the choice i made and the basis of telling you is strictly for information about the situation. So you can see where im coming from emotionally.
Due to my lack of life, job, and social connections combined with the physical symptons of my anxiety..... i spend alot of time at home. My partner does tend to stay with me........... UNTIL he gets a better offer. Then i am left alone.
I do understand that the emotional turrmoil of my life drama can be a scary thought when faced with having to tell me bad news and that can be off putting. For F's sake i am in the same boat. I am just as captive of the red zone as the person caught in the crossfire but after the sudden 'oomph' of the wave i am levelheaded. Now i know i do this.... its why i am in therapy. I respond in a RAW fashion due to past trauma and the inability to process the emotions of those circumstances.
Trust me when i say i do not in any way excuse my reactions or my inability to just deal quietly with what i interpet to be a right out slap of rejection.its why i am in cognitive behavoural therapy. And i get that.... but what i dont get is why things went t*t up backwards lastnight when i was attemting to share what i had learned in therapy the other day.
Heres what happened:
On wednesday, partner came home, everything lovely and happy...... moments pass and his demeanor changes as he blurts out in an ordering fashion "im going to a concert with my son on november 13" .
Although he had already triggered my defense mode because of his bossy "your going to do what your told" stance. (You should know I have issues with the whole male dominence thing as it is from a previous point in life.... i dont respond well. I go into male piss contest role of being. Basically... i get ready for a fight. I get this is unvalidated as far as social allowances go, but in my mind im instantly into red zone fight or flight mode....... and im working on it.)
When i errupt, it is fleating. I am extremely logical...... but i have a switch that overrides my logic..... i lash out when im hurt.
So i reacted WRONG. I got angry and hurt. I instantly felt i was being decieved, rejected, austrosized, unworthy, unimportant. I was MAD!
As with all of our exploding moments....... everything goes into shutdown mode.... no one speaks..... no one makes eye contact. Its HORRIBLE AND AWKWARD.
I had a therapy an hour later and i discussed the incident. I realized that my emotional trigger is a mixture of fear (about being completely alone. I am technically only one person away from being a hermit) , rejection from not being included, but the BIG thing i realize is that there is resentment......
I resent that he can still do things with his kid, his family and his friends in his country......
I cant.
I dont have this option.
I realize i gave it up. I made choices. I made the move. I get that ultimately its all my fault. But a portion of me feels he should be obligted to atleast be willing to try and approach me in a nicer fashion.
Just TALK with me! But he isnt willing to hear my points.
This became overly obvious by what happened next:
I asked him to sit down last night and talk.
I took the lead and i began by saying that i would like to explain why i reacted so bad. I calmly admitted that Yes, there is an instant annoyance that he is going out without me, because we never go out. But i explained thats a fleeting feeling... the big thing was i was reacting with resentment and envy at the fact that each and everyday..... its in my face that although my life changed dramatically..... his life remained on the same path, basically i was trying to stress that he has opportunities which i should have had but gave up.....for my selfish desire to love him and be with him.
Now i take blame for all of it. I always have, no one held a gun to my head... it was my doing.
But he FREAKED OUT! He jumped up and said "how dare i say his life hasnt changed" and i immediately back peddled trying to explain that im not excusing how i reacted, simply trying to make him understand why it hurts me so much.
He began yelling about how he never sees his son........
(for info; he talks to his kid everday atleast once, the son comes to our house an average two times a week for about 4 or so hours and my partner goes to his footy games every sunday for 3 hours and now they have a tradition of going to events every birthday and christmas and apparently november has been added to the list.)
As usual my partner storms off and my world collapses and suddenly im grovelling and dismissing my own feelings.
Begging for forgiveness.
WHY?!
Can someone help me please?
Im so confused. I feel in the wrong now but my feelings say im right.
Any advice please?