URGENT: Meeting father, sister, two nieces for the first time tomorrow

[uk23]

I haven't posted in a while as my psychiatrist finally decided that I was misdiagnosed for many years (I have Asperger's instead of the multitude of issues they once thought and a proper diagnosis confirmed this, though GAD and complex trauma are still present).

Back on topic: My father left when I was a couple of weeks old and remarried shortly after. He had another son and daughter who are a few years younger than I am. I've never met my father but I've sort of been 'pushed' into meeting him as well as my sister and her two children tomorrow.

My mind has been racing, I've had little notice, my IBS seems to be playing up - it feels like a constant low-grade panic attack with various symptoms. I'm also worried that every single little thing will go wrong.

I've tried doing breathing exercises, meditation, playing a computer game, doing some programming, watching a few videos, etc. - nothing is helping.

I'm not sure what else to do so I thought I'd post here. This community has been helpful in the past.

Edit: I do want to meet him, but ideally with many months to prepare. The fact they live in a different country is the reason it's complicated.

[Buster70]

Hi there , at the end of the day it's your choice it's been dumped on you and if you are not ready just tell them but don't back out if you think you will regret it afterwards when it's to late nothing worse than regretting somthing you didn't do , ps I found out I had a brother and sister at my dads funeral 16 years ago still haven't looked them up yet but I do think about it quite often , maybe one day , good luck what ever you decide .

[NoraB]

I haven't posted in a while as my psychiatrist finally decided that I was misdiagnosed for many years (I have Asperger's instead of the multitude of issues they once thought and a proper diagnosis confirmed this, though GAD and complex trauma are still present).

Congrats on the diagnosis (depending on how you feel about it, that is) I have my assessment in a few weeks after a lifetime of struggling. As soon as my son was diagnosed a few years ago, it all made sense...


Edit: I do want to meet him, but ideally with many months to prepare. The fact they live in a different country is the reason it's complicated.

Autistic usually require planning for everything they do. They need as much info and detail as is possible or anxiety completely takes over. For a person who doesn't have autism this would be a big deal. For you, this goes beyond anxiety because it's the way you are wired and nothing you will do will change that. I'd have put this question up on an Aspie board as well...

To be pushed into something isn't good because you feel out of control and being in control is important. 'Surprise' my little boy and stand back and watch him go into complete meltdown. Plan and it's still difficult but not impossible.

If this was anybody else you could say no but this is your father and the regrets might haunt you especially as he lives in another country. Sometimes we have to do painful stuff, autism or not. There will be occasions throughout your life where planning isn't an option and you just have to do the best you can.

Deep breaths. Tell yourself that you want to do this and you can have your 'down time' afterwards. I get migraines even when my sons visit and always need down time.

Report back and tell us how it goes.

All the very best.

[pulisa]

Excellent advice from Nora. This would be a huge thing for anyone let alone for someone with Asperger's. If you really want to meet your Father and your sister and nieces you will carry on and do it, no matter how high your anxiety gets. You would probably regret not doing so as Buster suggests.

Please let us know how you get on? I have 2 adult children on the high end of the spectrum and I can't begin to imagine how a situation like this would impact on them. You are very brave and you stand to gain a lot from this meeting.

[uk23]

Update: Thank you for the kind words of support. I popped into a shop on the way there and purchased two bunny toy bears for the girls - they seemed to appreciate that.

I managed to stay for two hours but couldn't manage lunch (they did eat). It was... odd but my anxiety did subside after about 30 minutes. We talked about a number of things and I think it went OK. The mother (my sister) had spoken to the rest of them about some issues I have, meaning they understood (even the youngest one) that 'uncle X' didn't like to be touched - this was the hardest part as I couldn't shake my father's hand.

I'm in mental shock at the moment... it's a hell of a lot to take in. I drank half a bottle of Pepto and took 5mg of diazepam. This seemed to help somewhat.

[pulisa]

Good for you! That's a hell of a lot to do and to take in-it must have seemed very surreal meeting your Father and his family after all this time. I expect you feel pretty disorientated now but you should feel very proud of what you did too.

[Buster70]

Hi , that's brilliant that you went ahead completely out of your comfort zone but you still braved it , the first meet has got to be the hardest , I once googled my brothers name and it came up with somone who had died and I felt very sad that I might have missed the oportunity , you've been braver than me could be a whole new chapter to your life and people are more understanding these days of metal health problems , take care .

[NoraB]

I managed to stay for two hours but couldn't manage lunch (they did eat). It was... odd but my anxiety did subside after about 30 minutes. We talked about a number of things and I think it went OK.

Well done! You did really well and you should be proud of yourself because it took courage.:)

[uk23]

Is it normal for me to still be extremely anxious 5 days after meeting? I spoke with my mother about it, but she sad "time to get over it."

I'm not really sure what to do.

[Kuatir]

Absolutely fine to feel that way, even 5 days afterwards. Your mother clearly doesn't understand mental illness, "time to get over it" is not how it works.

How do you feel about the meeting now? Are they still in the country and might you be able to meet them again, if you wanted?