Fear of love and loss with dating :(

[Flying Stars]

Hi all

Just looking for some advice or if anyone else has felt the same.
I've lost a few close loved ones in my life which has left me with trust/anxiety/loss issues understandably.

For the past 10 months I've been dating a lovely guy, who has been very respectful with me as I've never had a bf before. He showed a lot of interest and care in me but because of my past losses I feared I would loose him so backed off. I've tried to explain this to him but now I feel that the relationship has gone a bit 'flat'. Despite asking him where we are going he said he has feelings for me and wants to keep things 'as they are' but doesn't want a proper relationship at the minute.

He still says all the right things and I think feelings are there - hence I would like to give it a shot at working after so many months.

My problem is - and can anyone else relate - constant fear of loss. I hate this fear of wanting to get attached but so scared of rejection constantly!

In turn, it all fuels my anxiety until I feel that I do really push him away :( which I don't want to, as would love to see this work.

Any advice or similar experience appreciated! X

[lior]

This is really not an easy one. There is no simple answer - in fact, some people go through their whole lives trying to sort out this one problem. However, since you articulate it so well, and it's potentially your first relationship, you're likely to figure your way out of it.

You know that saying, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? It's true. The more you love, the more painful it is when it ends. But the pain is worth it - being in love mutually is the best thing in the world.

Loss is inevitable. Occasional rejection is inevitable. People will always hurt you at some point, because nobody is perfect. Despite all this, it's worth the plunge. People regret things they don't do rather than the things they do do.

I'm saying all this as someone who has been in two or three deeply loving relationships plus lots of romances in between, and I'm 27. During and after breakups, I cry like all the water in my body is being torn out of me through my teardrops. During the periods in love, I feel like my heart is invisibly connected to their heart by golden warm rays of light, and every touch and every kiss is heaven on earth. The risk is undoubtedly worth it.

These conversations about 'where are we' can be really awkward. Keep experimenting with ways of communicating. More communication is good. Whether it's official or not, focus on spending quality time together, doing fun things. Think up a list of interesting things to do - or any ways you can think of to pull it out from being flat.

If, after all this, it doesn't work out, then he wasn't right for you. You need to be with someone who can accept you as you are, and know how to look after themselves when you are anxious. I've had people break up with me because I've been depressed and they haven't know how to look after their own emotions while I've been depressed. I keep living and loving and learning... just like all of us :)

Have fun, and you go for it, you flying star! xx

[Flying Stars]

Thank you for your lovely message lior and encouraging words - which were much needed.
You're right, the risk of not loving is far greater than that of actually going for it. Thankfully I've got a great therapist who has been helping me work through my issues surrounding it all too.

As you say, I want to give this the best chance and communication is KEY, yet I do find it difficult to say how I feel.

Odd thing is I feel that he may have some anxiety issues too but he doesn't seem open around them.

Going to stay positive and try and put pride and fear to one side and see what happens! Xx

[Bigboyuk]

Flying Stars i can trully empathise with you and Iam a Guy it's ssupposed to be easy for us men but it's not!! Boy is it painful each and every time when the loss happens I have never had much luck with love or friendship for that matte! Great advice from lior so Enjoy and take it one step at time Let us know how it works out please XX

[lior]

Yes! You go for it! Romance is the best <3

There's a saying, 'our recovery gives the greatest hope to others'. If he sees how you're dealing with your anxiety, he might be encouraged to start dealing with his anxiety. You can lead the way - you're further along in your self-discovery journey than he is.