OCD-Greyback
16-11-16, 04:28
Factual Greetings to All,
Its been a factual while since I was here and almost as factually long as I did not require making queries about my own subtypes of OCD. Thanks to typing messages as usual to my factual best friend, I have been and even as I type this know that intrusive thoughts are not my own.
Whenever I factually get into one of my manic moments where I try to factually find something I am looking for, usually online and something factually unpleasant I never wish to see comes up, even now deep down I know my factual reaction is the same and I know deep down also which factual thoughts are mine and which are just random or due to random facts of outside based stimuli be it a comment, word or factual random image when searching google for something completely different.
However, not a day ago I came across something factually that, whilst I have dealt with it in the past on a smaller scale, is something I factually find.. bothersome somewhat although messaging my best friend will probably assist with it.
From the earliest time where I began looking into intrusive thoughts, how they work and what they could usually consist of, I know that whilst there can be such intrusive or random factual thoughts based on anything they usually centre around three main subjects:
1) Rage or Anger or Harm Based
2) Inappropriate, Disgusting or Sexual Based (please factually excuse my words I dislike even now saying it)
and 3) Religious, Blasphemous and such facts.
My OCD intrusive thoughts have never been Harm Based, or even Relgious, as I do not factually have rage and wish no harm to any, aside from my own gender due to being sexist and my Autism and the fact I know many deserving of punishment for what they have done to others, especially the better/female gender. It makes my stomach at its metaphorical core even now twist and turn unpleasantly.
I digress, my own usually centre around the second mentioned usual subject, and usually consist of intrusive thoughts factually stating I would attack members of the better gender, that I am a person I am not concerning factually those of the much younger generation or that I am the opposite sexuality to what I am which is straight.
None affect me more than the factual first and second types I mentioned, the third does sometimes cause me slight anxiety but I can usually thanks to my best friend and compuslive statements or queries to my maternal parent, make all such thoughts be removed.
The only other thoughts which can affect me as bad if not worse, are factual intrusive thoughts that pop up stating I think whatever I do not is due to someone it is not, usually my best friend or they state automatically 'because of best friend' when it isn't, when I do not think such to begin with and never factually would, which she knows better than anyone. Actually nothing usually is at all to do with or because of any factual person when to do with the random factual stuff which pops up, least of all herself, unless its positive, good, perfection and encouraging, that is usually thanks to herself nearly all the time.
However I know how come these happen. She is the first person I think of both naturally, due to a slight compulsion and simply because I like thinking about herself, even though thanks to herself I know not doing so is fine and natural and does not mean anything else. As she automatically and naturally is the first person I think about and even when I am not thinking at all, thinking of herself calms me or makes me softly smile, my brain or intrusive thoughts automatically state me thinking of her means I was going to state or am implying whatever I know I am not.
Since understanding that thanks to once again herself and my maternal parent, I have calmed considerably and when such thoughts pop up, say I am randomly thinking of or stating how come I did not do something perhaps
I have factually mellowed somewhat since when first suffered my OCD compulsions and intrusive thoughts and thats thanks to my best friend, my maternal parent and factually randomly not over thinking which is thanks to the same two people in different factual ways.
I know I would never be factually any kind of person that my OCD or intrusive factual over thinking might state, my best friend since before my OCD manifested has shown and told me this fact also as has my maternal parent and like always she is correct, as are others like my maternal parent and such facts.
I have my issues, and regardless of random factual whatever that might occur, I know things I am not, never factually will be and never would ever even in my worst nightmares do to any factual person, generation or any such fact.
And yet, recently when intrusive thoughts pop up even as I type this, my reactions are not the same. For the first time in less than half a day, I got a usual reaction of trying to factually clear the thought, disliking it as I dislike any and such intrusive thought I receive be it about my own gender, those of the generations below myself or members of the better gender that are just unpleasant and not mine.
And yet, before that I had little to no reactions to them. It felt like my reactions were factually forced, despite the fact I still dislike them and would never be or think such factual thoughts myself.
I have viewed posts by others and apparently this is a factually good thing and means either you are progressing in your factual quest shall we say to not let factual OCD and such thoughts ruin your existence, or that you have factually become bored or your mind has become such with the intrusive thoughts themselves and hence you are no longer affected, bothered or have the same reactions.
I understand this is logically possible, save for the fact I do not ever get bored. True I lose factual interest in some things, whilst others like my best friend entirely will eternally hold my interest as I desire nothing more than to be close to her even before my OCD became as it has been and is even now, however I am unable to get bored.
Its not the correct word for myself, and whenever someone says it I have to factually correct them. I lose or have little to no interest in most factual subjects of this world save a random factual few or those concerning my best friend or maternal parent or things I do.
My factual query is this:
Does me not factually reacting all the time to any such intrusive thoughts or flashes of images which flash behind my factual eyes or in my mind mean as I have read, that I am just simply losing interest or its a possible Backdoor Spike or does it mean something factually far worse?
My maternal parent has stated it does not mean anything negative my intrusive thoughts or over thinking try to imply, and I know logically and deep down she is correct.
I do not factually doubt others, I am emotionally usually indifferent to all save my best friend and my maternal parent slightly in my own manner unless I am calm thanks to my best friend, beyond words happy due to busyness permitting her to breathe and converse or I am randomly briefly not thinking.
I use factual indifferent logic and only the facts, and honestly have no opinion so give none even when asked, except when my best friend has asked.
Hence when my maternal parent and others such as my best friend, who along with showing me multiple factual things since my OCD began to bother me four or more years ago, has stated 'Just because someone does not feel everything all the time does not mean they do not feel emotions or feel the things they themselves know deep down they do or usually would'.
Whilst my doubt in myself can be higher than any other factual point, I believe and know that she is only stating the facts and truth as she always does, as does my maternal parent and others.
Still, my self doubt, other intrusive thoughts and a slightly uneasy feeling within my metaphorical stomach or guts in literal terms, makes my factual self doubt and the intrusive doubting thoughts worse.
Even now part of myself hopes none of this sounds worse than I factually consider it logically possible to do, even though I am indifferent and have no emotional response as usual right now..
Its almost as if however at the same time as I experience slight physical unease, when I think or my mind automatically puts up a scenareo where I get an intrusive thought, none really comes up. A flash of image perhaps however still no reaction. It is literally like my factual self and mind has become uninterested in such thoughts, not that I was was interested at all to begin with.
This probably will not make much sense however I honestly prefer when I factually react either disgusted, offput, disliking the intrusive thoughts and do my usual factual reactions of trying to ignore it, twitching and the physical reactions that usually occur, because that shows to myself that I dislike them.
My brain and factual logic which, whilst usually is sound, probably when concerns myself is twisted, automatically state that due to having no reaction that must factually mean whatever it does not actually mean and never would.
At the same time, mentioning and thinking about messaging my best friend clears the twisted and incorrect logic even now, and calms me more than anything else as I know I am not factually anything brain tries to state and would never be or think myself or anything else intrusive thoughts would try to state. Another factual portion of peace and calmness her existence gives myself.
I guess I am just factually wondering if perhaps this is just another progression of getting over my factual intrusive thoughts and no longer being affected by them or something worse, which I factually deep down know it probably is not. Any factual information would be appreciated.
Gratitude for your factual time and apologies about my factual speech pattern. I use factual, fact and factually excessively due to my Autism, Aspegers and the OCD compulsions themselves also without thought, mainly the Autism and Aspergers.
No disturbance sought to any. Simply a query of the facts if I am honest as usual.
Its been a factual while since I was here and almost as factually long as I did not require making queries about my own subtypes of OCD. Thanks to typing messages as usual to my factual best friend, I have been and even as I type this know that intrusive thoughts are not my own.
Whenever I factually get into one of my manic moments where I try to factually find something I am looking for, usually online and something factually unpleasant I never wish to see comes up, even now deep down I know my factual reaction is the same and I know deep down also which factual thoughts are mine and which are just random or due to random facts of outside based stimuli be it a comment, word or factual random image when searching google for something completely different.
However, not a day ago I came across something factually that, whilst I have dealt with it in the past on a smaller scale, is something I factually find.. bothersome somewhat although messaging my best friend will probably assist with it.
From the earliest time where I began looking into intrusive thoughts, how they work and what they could usually consist of, I know that whilst there can be such intrusive or random factual thoughts based on anything they usually centre around three main subjects:
1) Rage or Anger or Harm Based
2) Inappropriate, Disgusting or Sexual Based (please factually excuse my words I dislike even now saying it)
and 3) Religious, Blasphemous and such facts.
My OCD intrusive thoughts have never been Harm Based, or even Relgious, as I do not factually have rage and wish no harm to any, aside from my own gender due to being sexist and my Autism and the fact I know many deserving of punishment for what they have done to others, especially the better/female gender. It makes my stomach at its metaphorical core even now twist and turn unpleasantly.
I digress, my own usually centre around the second mentioned usual subject, and usually consist of intrusive thoughts factually stating I would attack members of the better gender, that I am a person I am not concerning factually those of the much younger generation or that I am the opposite sexuality to what I am which is straight.
None affect me more than the factual first and second types I mentioned, the third does sometimes cause me slight anxiety but I can usually thanks to my best friend and compuslive statements or queries to my maternal parent, make all such thoughts be removed.
The only other thoughts which can affect me as bad if not worse, are factual intrusive thoughts that pop up stating I think whatever I do not is due to someone it is not, usually my best friend or they state automatically 'because of best friend' when it isn't, when I do not think such to begin with and never factually would, which she knows better than anyone. Actually nothing usually is at all to do with or because of any factual person when to do with the random factual stuff which pops up, least of all herself, unless its positive, good, perfection and encouraging, that is usually thanks to herself nearly all the time.
However I know how come these happen. She is the first person I think of both naturally, due to a slight compulsion and simply because I like thinking about herself, even though thanks to herself I know not doing so is fine and natural and does not mean anything else. As she automatically and naturally is the first person I think about and even when I am not thinking at all, thinking of herself calms me or makes me softly smile, my brain or intrusive thoughts automatically state me thinking of her means I was going to state or am implying whatever I know I am not.
Since understanding that thanks to once again herself and my maternal parent, I have calmed considerably and when such thoughts pop up, say I am randomly thinking of or stating how come I did not do something perhaps
I have factually mellowed somewhat since when first suffered my OCD compulsions and intrusive thoughts and thats thanks to my best friend, my maternal parent and factually randomly not over thinking which is thanks to the same two people in different factual ways.
I know I would never be factually any kind of person that my OCD or intrusive factual over thinking might state, my best friend since before my OCD manifested has shown and told me this fact also as has my maternal parent and like always she is correct, as are others like my maternal parent and such facts.
I have my issues, and regardless of random factual whatever that might occur, I know things I am not, never factually will be and never would ever even in my worst nightmares do to any factual person, generation or any such fact.
And yet, recently when intrusive thoughts pop up even as I type this, my reactions are not the same. For the first time in less than half a day, I got a usual reaction of trying to factually clear the thought, disliking it as I dislike any and such intrusive thought I receive be it about my own gender, those of the generations below myself or members of the better gender that are just unpleasant and not mine.
And yet, before that I had little to no reactions to them. It felt like my reactions were factually forced, despite the fact I still dislike them and would never be or think such factual thoughts myself.
I have viewed posts by others and apparently this is a factually good thing and means either you are progressing in your factual quest shall we say to not let factual OCD and such thoughts ruin your existence, or that you have factually become bored or your mind has become such with the intrusive thoughts themselves and hence you are no longer affected, bothered or have the same reactions.
I understand this is logically possible, save for the fact I do not ever get bored. True I lose factual interest in some things, whilst others like my best friend entirely will eternally hold my interest as I desire nothing more than to be close to her even before my OCD became as it has been and is even now, however I am unable to get bored.
Its not the correct word for myself, and whenever someone says it I have to factually correct them. I lose or have little to no interest in most factual subjects of this world save a random factual few or those concerning my best friend or maternal parent or things I do.
My factual query is this:
Does me not factually reacting all the time to any such intrusive thoughts or flashes of images which flash behind my factual eyes or in my mind mean as I have read, that I am just simply losing interest or its a possible Backdoor Spike or does it mean something factually far worse?
My maternal parent has stated it does not mean anything negative my intrusive thoughts or over thinking try to imply, and I know logically and deep down she is correct.
I do not factually doubt others, I am emotionally usually indifferent to all save my best friend and my maternal parent slightly in my own manner unless I am calm thanks to my best friend, beyond words happy due to busyness permitting her to breathe and converse or I am randomly briefly not thinking.
I use factual indifferent logic and only the facts, and honestly have no opinion so give none even when asked, except when my best friend has asked.
Hence when my maternal parent and others such as my best friend, who along with showing me multiple factual things since my OCD began to bother me four or more years ago, has stated 'Just because someone does not feel everything all the time does not mean they do not feel emotions or feel the things they themselves know deep down they do or usually would'.
Whilst my doubt in myself can be higher than any other factual point, I believe and know that she is only stating the facts and truth as she always does, as does my maternal parent and others.
Still, my self doubt, other intrusive thoughts and a slightly uneasy feeling within my metaphorical stomach or guts in literal terms, makes my factual self doubt and the intrusive doubting thoughts worse.
Even now part of myself hopes none of this sounds worse than I factually consider it logically possible to do, even though I am indifferent and have no emotional response as usual right now..
Its almost as if however at the same time as I experience slight physical unease, when I think or my mind automatically puts up a scenareo where I get an intrusive thought, none really comes up. A flash of image perhaps however still no reaction. It is literally like my factual self and mind has become uninterested in such thoughts, not that I was was interested at all to begin with.
This probably will not make much sense however I honestly prefer when I factually react either disgusted, offput, disliking the intrusive thoughts and do my usual factual reactions of trying to ignore it, twitching and the physical reactions that usually occur, because that shows to myself that I dislike them.
My brain and factual logic which, whilst usually is sound, probably when concerns myself is twisted, automatically state that due to having no reaction that must factually mean whatever it does not actually mean and never would.
At the same time, mentioning and thinking about messaging my best friend clears the twisted and incorrect logic even now, and calms me more than anything else as I know I am not factually anything brain tries to state and would never be or think myself or anything else intrusive thoughts would try to state. Another factual portion of peace and calmness her existence gives myself.
I guess I am just factually wondering if perhaps this is just another progression of getting over my factual intrusive thoughts and no longer being affected by them or something worse, which I factually deep down know it probably is not. Any factual information would be appreciated.
Gratitude for your factual time and apologies about my factual speech pattern. I use factual, fact and factually excessively due to my Autism, Aspegers and the OCD compulsions themselves also without thought, mainly the Autism and Aspergers.
No disturbance sought to any. Simply a query of the facts if I am honest as usual.